How can I learn to trust again after he lied to me?

[worriedwife81]

How can I learn to trust my husband after he lied to me straight to my face.  Now it is not a huge lie.  But always though he was honest with me.  Never in a million years would I think he would lie to me.  So now.  We have been together almost 33 years now.  Dated for 3 and in Oct. it will be 30 years we are married.  He lied to me about looking at naked pictures of women on the internet.  And a little porn.  I have always been honest with him and he know that is a huge thing with me.  Honesty.  So now that this has happened I start to think that our whole marriage has been a lie.   How do I know?   And also our sex life has been not good.  And I noticed that when he looked at the pictures is when he would want sex.  So I think he has to look at that in order to get excited and have sex with me because he really wants a young, skinny sexy woman.  I am not fat but do have a little tummy. But am trying to loose it and about 10 pounds.  And after having 3 children my breast are not perky anymore,  but don't think exercise will help that and don't think I am willing to have surgery.  He says I excite him but I don't believe him.  Why should I? He lied about looking at the pictures and I did not know so how do I know he is not lying now.  Also, I don't know for sure if he even wants to touch me.  We went a few months of no touch.  Then after I asked him he started again.  But is he just doing it because I said something or out of guilt?  I don't know anymore.  I can't tell if he is being truthful.  I love him and am so very in love with him.  And deep down I know he loves me.  I am just not sure he is still in love with me anymore.  

[specialmom]

There is no judgment here worried wife.  You are just doing the best you can.  Please know that you don't live your life to please others including strangers on the internet.  

To me, it sounds like you have tried really hard to understand yourself and I value that introspection.  This is your life and it is up to you how you live it.  

Peace and hugs

[worriedwife81]

Thanks SuperNova74.  I guess it comes from my childhood.  I was never enough for my mother.  Always trying to make her love me like she loves my brother he is older.  She once told me she never wanted kids. But one was ok.  Well I am number 2.  What does that tell me?  Anyway.  Also told me she married my daddy to get out of her mother's house and she felt sorry for him.  How do you marry someone you don't really love?  And how do you tell your child those things?  So that was my childhood.  My wonderful daddy passed 11 years ago.  And I miss him so much.  He loved me.  And not like some will think.  I get my wanting to help other from him.  He would give his last shirt off his back to help someone.  But he worked a lot.  
I can't go back home right now.  And I can't let my girls know what a lier there dad is.  I can't break their hearts.  So I stay here for them.  Even though they are grown young women and 2 have children of their own.  I can't be the one to break up our family.  I have always had to be the mean one.  He worked offshore.  So he was not home a lot.  So when things came up mom had to fuss and punish.  I can't be the one to ruin our family.  So you see I am stuck.  My heart is crushed.  I don't think it will EVER heal.  I think it is done.  I don't feel anything anymore so it is all good.  
I am so sorry to disappoint you.  It seems that is what I do.  I am a disappointment to my mother because I did not do the things she wanted to do.  I am a disappointment to my daddy because I left his side and he died alone.  I am a disappointment to my girls because I had to be the mean one.  I am a disappointment to my husband because I am not skinny and sexy.  And I am a disappointment to myself because I can't handle it all.  I so appreciate all the support and encouragement.  I just can't do it.  
I am really tired.  My soul is tired.  I don't deserve it.  I really don't.  I have disappointed too many people to deserve to be happy.  And I love my girls so much that I can't put them through what I went through when my parents divorced.  I just can't.    

[SuperNova74]

Hi there WW81 :-)  just checking in - there has been quite a few posts since we last chatted!
I am so disappointed for you that this is still going on :-(
I do feel the need to highlight what you have written though!  In amongst all the self destructive, negative accepting thoughts, there is one that is gold: " I am only happy when I am back home with my girls"  You deserve to be there NOW and see your grandbabies grow.  I hope you can make this happen - with or without your lying husband.  I'm not sure what has occurred in your life to make you feel as though you are not worth happiness,  because you are and you need to make that your new mantra - say it often enough to yourself and you will start to believe it.  Use it to counteract and replace those negative thoughts.  Reach out to your girls or a relative in the area and stay with them until you can get on your feet.  Oh, and if you haven't seen the movie Shirley Valentine, watch it for inspiration!  Also, try reading Louise Hay's "You can heal your life" for positive affirmations.    I think of you often and really would love to see you step up and make a better life for yourself.  So many people here to support and encourage you to do this!  You deserve it :-)  PS, next time you see your husband looking at inappropriate pictures, ask him a question about his mother :-P

[Yellowbarangelfish]

Lies break boundaries, they break the balance of our lives and give us an uneven keel on which to rest. You can only believe what you know unless you place your faith wholely in someone or something. From whence comes trust. Your faith in your husband has been shattered and you can put the pieces back together or not. But if you are the only one willing to do this and your partner doesn't acknowledge or support this the cracks will never heal. You either do it together or not all. Leaving it to fester will cause more problems and lead to a very unhappy life. This is what I need to do in my own relationship. Hope you find your way to being happy and have peace of mind.

[KbellaVita1]

yeah..DONT LET THIS MAN GET BY WITH LYING TO YOU! first of all..if he does it once..guess what..HES GONNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN...you have already confronted him..and by doin so he is the one that gets all bent outta shape and upset..why? BECAUSE HES FRIGGIN GUILTY..THATS WHY..GUILTY ..GUILTY..GUILTY! AND HE KKOWS IT!.yes..u guys have been together for a long time..and yes in the beginning things were great..ok..its not the beginning anymore and the damn thing has just fizzled out!.once they start lying..there is no turning back..EXSPECIALLY when he already knows how you feel about lying in the first place..and it sounds to me that hes learned quite a bit of how to manipulate you into thinking hes gonna stop.HONEY..IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...THEN YES YOU MAY NEED TO..SEE THE THERAPIST! my advice to you and this is just my advice to you.....GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...!!! ALL ITS GONNA DO IS CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND HARDSHIP..YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT TO THAT UR WORKIN ON IT AND WORKING ON TRUSTING HIM AGAIN..ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN SISTA..IT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE BACK OF UR MIND FOR THE REST OF UR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD HE SAYS TO YOU..E V E R!! SO PLEASE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...LEAVE THIS LYING..BETRAYING..MAKIN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS..*******..AND FIND SUMONE THAT ACTUALLY. WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT AND RESPECT YOU AND SUMONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED AND NOT JUST WHEN THEY SEE A. PICTURE OF SOMEOONE OR SUMTHN ELSE...THATS ********! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THIS..AND DEF KNOW HE KNOWS THIS..LET HIM HAVE THOSE PICS..GO FIND YOU THE REAL DEAL HONEY..DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON THIS JERK..ISNT 31 ENOUGH...IF IT HASNT GOTTEN BETTER IN THE LAST 4 HONEY..TRUST ME..IT AINT GONNA!!!  SO PICK YOURSELF UP..DRY THOSE TEARS AND START LIVING FOR.  Y O U!!!!  TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!  PACK A BAG AND DRIVE 5 1/2 HOURS TO UR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW..GO FIND YOU AGAIN..GO LIVE A LIL...LET HIM WONDER WHAT UR DOIN FOR AWHILE!..THAT JUST MIGHT CHANGE SUM THINGS..WHO KNOWS..BUT HONEY..IT AINT NUTHN BUT A DRIVE..THATS IT ...5 1/2HRS AINT NUTHN...THATS A TINY PRICE TO PAY FOR A WHOLE LOT OF SANITY!  YOU CAN SIT AROUND THERE WITH HIM AND LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY AND JUST KEEP HURTING BECUZ YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN HE IS STILL LYING N LOOKIN..OR YOU CAN PACK UP SUM THINGS AND JUST GO...AND NOT GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE. YOU FEEL LIKE **** ANYMORE..ALL DEPRESSED..SICK FEELIN..CRYIN ALL THE DAMN TIME...THE CHOICE IS URS HONEY...IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY..WELL THEN...THERES NO USE ASKIN SUMONE WHAT U SHUD DO TO FIX IT..CUZ ITS NOT GONNA MATTER WHAT ANY OF THE COMMENTS ON HERE SAY..BECUZ YOU ARE GOIN TO FEEL THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT...H U R T AND B E T R A Y E D! why? BCUZ IT WILL NEVER STOP...GOD willing it wont get worse..but IT WILL NEVER STOP..YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM...AND YOU WILL JUST STRESS URSELF OUT AND FEEL LIKE HELL ALL THE TIME....IT AINT WORTH IT! YES I KNOW U LOVE HIM..YES I KNOW HES ALL YOU WANT AND FEELS LIKE HES THE ONLY ONE YOU CUD EVER B THAT IN LOVE WITH....BUT IF THIS KEEPS GOIN..AND. YOU KNOW IT WILL...ITS JUST GONNA END UP IN HATRED..THATS IT..JUST PURE HATRED...YOU WILL WAKE TO THIS MAN EVERY MORNING AND LOOK AT HIM AND WANT TO PUKE JUST FROM THE SIGHT OF HIM BECUZ OF HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL FROM ALL THE LIES N ****..YOU WILL HATE HIM FOR ALL THAT HES DONE TO YOU..AND IT WILL STRESS YOU EVEN MORE..GOD HELP YOU THEN...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN..DONT LET THIS MANIPULATIVE *** MAN CAUSE YOU ANYMORE. GRIEF...GO AND LIVE UR LIFE AND FIND SUMONE WHO IS TRUE..BELIEVE ME..YOULL KNOW ONCE YA DO...YOU SURE. WILL.....ya know why....BECAUSE..IVE BEEN THERE TOO MANY TIMES..and each time has made me stonger and stronger..and i know...I KNOW..I DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LIER..I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH A LIER..AND I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE WITH ANYONE WHO WUD MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN! OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH...THOSE MEN ARE A WASTE OF TIME..AND HONEY MY TIME IS TOO PRESCIOUS TO ME...YOURS SHUD BE TOO....GET OUT WHILE YA CAN...and once again..this is only my advice and opinion..take it or leave it..its really all up to you and how you wanna feel when u are with sumone or just when ur chillin by yourself...at least you will have ur dignity..

[KbellaVita1]

yeah..DONT LET THIS MAN GET BY WITH LYING TO YOU! first of all..if he does it once..guess what..HES GONNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN...you have already confronted him..and by doin so he is the one that gets all bent outta shape and upset..why? BECAUSE HES FRIGGIN GUILTY..THATS WHY..GUILTY ..GUILTY..GUILTY! AND HE KKOWS IT!.yes..u guys have been together for a long time..and yes in the beginning things were great..ok..its not the beginning anymore and the damn thing has just fizzled out!.once they start lying..there is no turning back..EXSPECIALLY when he already knows how you feel about lying in the first place..and it sounds to me that hes learned quite a bit of how to manipulate you into thinking hes gonna stop.HONEY..IF YOU BELIEVE THAT...THEN YES YOU MAY NEED TO..SEE THE THERAPIST! my advice to you and this is just my advice to you.....GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP...!!! ALL ITS GONNA DO IS CAUSE YOU GRIEF AND HARDSHIP..YOU CAN SAY ALL YOU WANT TO THAT UR WORKIN ON IT AND WORKING ON TRUSTING HIM AGAIN..ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN SISTA..IT WILL ALWAYS BE IN THE BACK OF UR MIND FOR THE REST OF UR LIFE AND YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD HE SAYS TO YOU..E V E R!! SO PLEASE..FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...LEAVE THIS LYING..BETRAYING..MAKIN YOU FEEL WORTHLESS..*******..AND FIND SUMONE THAT ACTUALLY. WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT AND RESPECT YOU AND SUMONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL WANTED AND NOT JUST WHEN THEY SEE A. PICTURE OF SOMEOONE OR SUMTHN ELSE...THATS ********! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW THIS..AND DEF KNOW HE KNOWS THIS..LET HIM HAVE THOSE PICS..GO FIND YOU THE REAL DEAL HONEY..DONT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME ON THIS JERK..ISNT 31 ENOUGH...IF IT HASNT GOTTEN BETTER IN THE LAST 4 HONEY..TRUST ME..IT AINT GONNA!!!  SO PICK YOURSELF UP..DRY THOSE TEARS AND START LIVING FOR.  Y O U!!!!  TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS!  PACK A BAG AND DRIVE 5 1/2 HOURS TO UR FRIENDS AND FAMILY..YOU NEED THEM RIGHT NOW..GO FIND YOU AGAIN..GO LIVE A LIL...LET HIM WONDER WHAT UR DOIN FOR AWHILE!..THAT JUST MIGHT CHANGE SUM THINGS..WHO KNOWS..BUT HONEY..IT AINT NUTHN BUT A DRIVE..THATS IT ...5 1/2HRS AINT NUTHN...THATS A TINY PRICE TO PAY FOR A WHOLE LOT OF SANITY!  YOU CAN SIT AROUND THERE WITH HIM AND LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY AND JUST KEEP HURTING BECUZ YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN HE IS STILL LYING N LOOKIN..OR YOU CAN PACK UP SUM THINGS AND JUST GO...AND NOT GIVE HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE. YOU FEEL LIKE **** ANYMORE..ALL DEPRESSED..SICK FEELIN..CRYIN ALL THE DAMN TIME...THE CHOICE IS URS HONEY...IF YOU DECIDE TO STAY..WELL THEN...THERES NO USE ASKIN SUMONE WHAT U SHUD DO TO FIX IT..CUZ ITS NOT GONNA MATTER WHAT ANY OF THE COMMENTS ON HERE SAY..BECUZ YOU ARE GOIN TO FEEL THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT...H U R T AND B E T R A Y E D! why? BCUZ IT WILL NEVER STOP...GOD willing it wont get worse..but IT WILL NEVER STOP..YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HIM...AND YOU WILL JUST STRESS URSELF OUT AND FEEL LIKE HELL ALL THE TIME....IT AINT WORTH IT! YES I KNOW U LOVE HIM..YES I KNOW HES ALL YOU WANT AND FEELS LIKE HES THE ONLY ONE YOU CUD EVER B THAT IN LOVE WITH....BUT IF THIS KEEPS GOIN..AND. YOU KNOW IT WILL...ITS JUST GONNA END UP IN HATRED..THATS IT..JUST PURE HATRED...YOU WILL WAKE TO THIS MAN EVERY MORNING AND LOOK AT HIM AND WANT TO PUKE JUST FROM THE SIGHT OF HIM BECUZ OF HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL FROM ALL THE LIES N ****..YOU WILL HATE HIM FOR ALL THAT HES DONE TO YOU..AND IT WILL STRESS YOU EVEN MORE..GOD HELP YOU THEN...GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN..DONT LET THIS MANIPULATIVE *** MAN CAUSE YOU ANYMORE. GRIEF...GO AND LIVE UR LIFE AND FIND SUMONE WHO IS TRUE..BELIEVE ME..YOULL KNOW ONCE YA DO...YOU SURE. WILL.....ya know why....BECAUSE..IVE BEEN THERE TOO MANY TIMES..and each time has made me stonger and stronger..and i know...I KNOW..I DNT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH A LIER..I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH A LIER..AND I WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN BE WITH ANYONE WHO WUD MAKE ME FEEL LESS THAN! OR NOT GOOD ENOUGH...THOSE MEN ARE A WASTE OF TIME..AND HONEY MY TIME IS TOO PRESCIOUS TO ME...YOURS SHUD BE TOO....GET OUT WHILE YA CAN...and once again..this is only my advice and opinion..take it or leave it..its really all up to you and how you wanna feel when u are with sumone or just when ur chillin by yourself...at least you will have ur dignity..