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How can we have a successful relationship if...
I'm damaged? I'm taking a chance writing in this forum. I think I'm at a crossroads in my life. I want for my relationship with my bf to work (we just had a baby 4 months ago) but, how do I know the difference between right and wrong or even how to get passed something if, I've never seen a functional, healthy relationship? I'm 26 and I like to think of myself as an intelligent person. But my knowledge of a working, healthy relationship is non exsitant. I'll give you a quick synopsis of my life.
My dad cheated on my mom when I was around 7. Moved out when I was 12. First boyfriend (4 years) cheated. Second boyfriend, cheated. Ex-fiance, cheated. Now I'm here. No trust in men with a good man (or so I think). A man can still be a good man and cheat. I should know, my father was one of them. I think I'm damaged beyond repair. I have to trust, and the little trust that I managed to give my boyfriend and father of my daughter, has slowly diminished. I was brought up not to show emotions (ie: no crying) I internalize everything and if there's a situation with let say my boyfriend that I dont express my concerns on, I'll blow up. I could have (and did) the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one would know a thing. It's also a pride thing. I was raised by a mother who was cheated on. She raised me to be independant and not depend on anyone (except her) for anything. She's a little broken herself..lol
After having my daughter, my perspective on life has changed and I'm beging to see just how damaged I really am. I'm at a point where i HAVE to change. For the good of my relationship and for our family. It goes hand in hand. I dont want to raise a daughter like me. I want her to be emotional and cry to me and not force a stone face when really I just want to cry. That's not what I want for her.
I'm so insecure based on the history of decite. And even more so now, after having my daughter (body wise). I think I need Dr. Phill..lol
All jokes aside. How do I know how to handle situations that come about in a relationship, the right way. How do we express our feelings and LISTEN to each other with out arguing. He's from a damaged relationship as well. His was even worse though. His dad hit his mom. But he's not that type of man. He turned it around and wants a better life for our family and not have a broken family like we both did. Now that I'm older and am making friends with women who come from healthy backrounds, I'm beginning to see that I'm totally screwed up. I want so change but, how? He did something about a month ago that really made me loose trust in him. I wanted to make a myspace so that my friends and family can see pictures of the baby. He said he didnt want me to because it would cause problems between us. Turns out, he had a myspace with all these girls on his page. Not like real girls, but like the model kind that are in porns. I felt betrayed. Anyway, we're trying to work past it. But if I didnt have a child, I would have cut him loose. So I'm walking on unchartered territory over here. I mean, I've stayed with ex's after I've found out they've cheated (like a moron) and I dont want to do that anymore. As much as I hate to say this, it must be something in my character that I keep attracting these cheating men. Again, I'm a smart women. I'm not the type of vulnerable woman who just takes and takes and takes what a man dishes out. But I have and I feel like I am again. In my sick and twisted way, I want to pay him back for what he has done. I know, real mature right? But he hurt and betrayed me. From my knowledge, it never went more than just looking at dirty pics but, now I feel like I dont know him at all. He says he like looking at that type of stuff. Like porn ect. I know I'm not being honest with myself if I think that his only desires are for me. After all, it's the testosterone that makes a man, a man. And even if he did tell me upfront that he wanted to include me in on this, I know myself well enough to know that it would start gettingt o me. As I said I'm very insecure (did I mention I was a very overweight child?)
I guess I just want some direction. Some clarity.. An answer or some guidence. A book maybe? A theripist? I'm not sure how to get things right as, I've never been "right". Anyway, Thanks for reading my autobiograpy :/ And I am an open book
My dad cheated on my mom when I was around 7. Moved out when I was 12. First boyfriend (4 years) cheated. Second boyfriend, cheated. Ex-fiance, cheated. Now I'm here. No trust in men with a good man (or so I think). A man can still be a good man and cheat. I should know, my father was one of them. I think I'm damaged beyond repair. I have to trust, and the little trust that I managed to give my boyfriend and father of my daughter, has slowly diminished. I was brought up not to show emotions (ie: no crying) I internalize everything and if there's a situation with let say my boyfriend that I dont express my concerns on, I'll blow up. I could have (and did) the weight of the world on my shoulders and no one would know a thing. It's also a pride thing. I was raised by a mother who was cheated on. She raised me to be independant and not depend on anyone (except her) for anything. She's a little broken herself..lol
After having my daughter, my perspective on life has changed and I'm beging to see just how damaged I really am. I'm at a point where i HAVE to change. For the good of my relationship and for our family. It goes hand in hand. I dont want to raise a daughter like me. I want her to be emotional and cry to me and not force a stone face when really I just want to cry. That's not what I want for her.
I'm so insecure based on the history of decite. And even more so now, after having my daughter (body wise). I think I need Dr. Phill..lol
All jokes aside. How do I know how to handle situations that come about in a relationship, the right way. How do we express our feelings and LISTEN to each other with out arguing. He's from a damaged relationship as well. His was even worse though. His dad hit his mom. But he's not that type of man. He turned it around and wants a better life for our family and not have a broken family like we both did. Now that I'm older and am making friends with women who come from healthy backrounds, I'm beginning to see that I'm totally screwed up. I want so change but, how? He did something about a month ago that really made me loose trust in him. I wanted to make a myspace so that my friends and family can see pictures of the baby. He said he didnt want me to because it would cause problems between us. Turns out, he had a myspace with all these girls on his page. Not like real girls, but like the model kind that are in porns. I felt betrayed. Anyway, we're trying to work past it. But if I didnt have a child, I would have cut him loose. So I'm walking on unchartered territory over here. I mean, I've stayed with ex's after I've found out they've cheated (like a moron) and I dont want to do that anymore. As much as I hate to say this, it must be something in my character that I keep attracting these cheating men. Again, I'm a smart women. I'm not the type of vulnerable woman who just takes and takes and takes what a man dishes out. But I have and I feel like I am again. In my sick and twisted way, I want to pay him back for what he has done. I know, real mature right? But he hurt and betrayed me. From my knowledge, it never went more than just looking at dirty pics but, now I feel like I dont know him at all. He says he like looking at that type of stuff. Like porn ect. I know I'm not being honest with myself if I think that his only desires are for me. After all, it's the testosterone that makes a man, a man. And even if he did tell me upfront that he wanted to include me in on this, I know myself well enough to know that it would start gettingt o me. As I said I'm very insecure (did I mention I was a very overweight child?)
I guess I just want some direction. Some clarity.. An answer or some guidence. A book maybe? A theripist? I'm not sure how to get things right as, I've never been "right". Anyway, Thanks for reading my autobiograpy :/ And I am an open book
I agree with slow_healer. Try to open more communication paths with your partner and let him know how you feel, your concerns and your doubts. It's awesome that you are a strong woman and you may pass that to your baby as well but you have to work on your trust issues. True..the fact that a guy is a good man doesn't necessarily exclude him from the cheater's list. However there are many wonderful men and who knows..your husband just might be one of them. Just think that you deserve it.
Women who usually attract cheaters and aggressive men usually suffer from extremely low self esteem and so they think they cannot do any better. This shouldn't be your case for you yourself said you were a smart woman. Past experiences and horror stories can certainly make us stronger, newbie, and wiser. Some people get temporarily affected while some others get affected for life. Don't let uncertainty and distrust take over you forever.
Everybody has secrets and secret fantasies which they think might be of dislike and so they do not talk about it especially with their partners. That might have been your husband's case with myspace. Anyways..try to get passed that and just enjoy your husband and your baby and be happy. We do not live twice you know.
Women who usually attract cheaters and aggressive men usually suffer from extremely low self esteem and so they think they cannot do any better. This shouldn't be your case for you yourself said you were a smart woman. Past experiences and horror stories can certainly make us stronger, newbie, and wiser. Some people get temporarily affected while some others get affected for life. Don't let uncertainty and distrust take over you forever.
Everybody has secrets and secret fantasies which they think might be of dislike and so they do not talk about it especially with their partners. That might have been your husband's case with myspace. Anyways..try to get passed that and just enjoy your husband and your baby and be happy. We do not live twice you know.
Dont' be so hard on yourself. All of us are damaged in some way. You are a strong, smart woman and you will make it through.
I would recommend you talk to a life coach or a therapist who specializes in the issues you have. And I think you and the bf should eventually go for couples counselling.
And we are always here for you.
I would recommend you talk to a life coach or a therapist who specializes in the issues you have. And I think you and the bf should eventually go for couples counselling.
And we are always here for you.
newbie, talk to your boyfriend about HOW to safely approach uncertain topics. Ask him and work together on how you two can reliably approach each other when you are concerned about a difficult topic. Promise to recognize that, although it might not be necessarily difficult for you, it may be difficult for the other person. Unless you both can feel like you an bring up anything and NOT be criticized or judged, the tip-toeing and painful surprises aren't going to go away. Having these safeguards will help you to overcome past insecurities. Create a system that was lacking in your previous relationships.
This issue with looking at other women is a good test, as it comes up in many relationships. It sounds like you're a reasonable partner. Let your boyfriend know that. Let him know that you're not going to freak out if he has something private like that to share. Let him know you will be willing to discuss it, whatever your opinion may be (e.g. I am not comfortable with you looking at other women AT ALL, I don't mind but I wish you had told me so that it doesn't feel like a secret, etc.)
This kind of stuff goes back and forth in relationships often, and generally (I think) it's because we feel too afraid to admit these things to our partners. We don't want to be rejected. Removing that potential threat might really help you two, especially if you're in it for the long haul. Good luck.
This issue with looking at other women is a good test, as it comes up in many relationships. It sounds like you're a reasonable partner. Let your boyfriend know that. Let him know that you're not going to freak out if he has something private like that to share. Let him know you will be willing to discuss it, whatever your opinion may be (e.g. I am not comfortable with you looking at other women AT ALL, I don't mind but I wish you had told me so that it doesn't feel like a secret, etc.)
This kind of stuff goes back and forth in relationships often, and generally (I think) it's because we feel too afraid to admit these things to our partners. We don't want to be rejected. Removing that potential threat might really help you two, especially if you're in it for the long haul. Good luck.
im not sure what to tell u on this i am the same way i have little trust 4 my bf and hes done nothing it just my past. if u want to lose him its a good way. i started to trust mine and let go of the past relationship because he is not them. im sorry u r going threw this. i hope u the best.. i have a 4 month old also..
ksanden
ksanden
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