How long does it take after a breakup?

[jessika130]

Hello, I wondered if you can give me a scientific answer about something.  It's been almost a year since I broke up with my boyfriend.  We never had any kind of sexual anything (we're Christians), but were very close until all of a sudden he simply wouldn't work with reality.  I tried to reason with him, and he didn't listen.  He didn't want to listen.  He just wanted what he wanted.  By that time, however, we were already engaged and starting to plan marriage.  So in our hearts we were committed to each other...and then this happened and it simply couldn't exist.  So we broke up. I went through a lot of things since then...loneliness, missing him like crazy, anger, obsessive activity in anything that DID NOT pertain to him (like working with children--I'm a teacher--and helping other people), etc.  I prayed and prayed and the Lord Jesus has been faithful to me.  While I am busy, I can forget.  But my health has not been good--have had debilitating migraines which have made me incapable of being busy enough to forget.
In the meanwhile, I had to relocate, and basically change cultures because we met while I was on the mission field.  So there was that going on too--culture shock, even though I'd grown up American, going back to America was such a huge mountain that it took months to get used to it again.  Anyway, so all that was happening.  Now that I'm basically settled into my "new normal", I am finding that I am still deeply grieving our breakup.  I've given it to the Lord, and He has helped me; but I am emotionally basically crashed.  For a while I felt nothing.  Then I realized that it was the little things that were still reminding me of him.  I've dreamed about him at night; I've been bombarded with memories by day.  I've tried to forgive and forget him, and found I can't.  Get back together?  Impossible.  He's what you'd call a "loser" but I love him anyway.  For my own state of mind I'd never go back to him.  But I still haven't got over our breakup.  Will I ever?  Can you please tell me if there's a an expected allotment of time I am to be able to get over him?  Or will this loneliness for him and the pain never end?  Is there anything I can do besides have a close relationship in Jesus to heal this gaping wound? (I'm not interested in Yoga.)

[jessika130]

Thank you all for your responses.  I think that in the pain I simply tried not to face it so I hid it away; but that only works for so long.  In journaling it finally made my feelings become thoughts and that became expression.  I can see pretty clearly now and am actually glad it happened, even though it still hurts inside.  Thanks again.

[specialmom]

I agree that it is very personal and every person and relationship will be different.  I had some I moved on from fast without a second thought and an occasional one that lingered.  I also think that drifting to melancholy thoughts of a previous significant other can confuse people that they aren't over the relationship.  Our memories don't just disappear.  We can have very fond memories and even be a bit sad but know that the relationship is over and it is better that way.  Soon enough, you may begin to date again and you will see that you'll find another partner that you love as much.  good luck

[thatquietgirl]

It's a very personal thing!  I hope the journaling helps because just shoving it aside and not dealing with it is not healthy.  You need to allow yourself to grieve because it was a loss.  Since you have not allowed this to happen, it's quite normal to be this at loss about how to handle things this late in the game.  Focusing on the Bible and your walk with Christ may be a help, but you do need to focus on yourself a little to get through this and be able to give your all to Him and His service.  Best of luck!

[jessika130]

Thanks for your answers...wasn't sure if it's normal to still not be completely "over" it.  I have just kind of "not thought about it", by engrossing myself in work, which was okay for a while, but caught up with me...My boyfriend and I don't talk anymore...it's not that.  But...whatever...emotions I guess.  I am glad Jesus has everything safe in His hands.  I'll try journaling once and see if it helps.  There's lots of statistics about what works and doesn't work and nobody agrees.

[thatquietgirl]

I would suggest journaling about this to find some closure.  Based on how you're still feeling, it'd be too soon to try asking for closure from him as you would potentially not be ready to handle his answer.  I would also suggest counseling.  Pastors, etc., usually will offer some therapy if you would prefer it be Christian-based.

[VICourageous]

I think that Time will tell what has to be Told. We are all different in many ways about this situation..Have Faith enough to know that God knows who your Soul mate is. You might always carry this guy in a memory or even in a piece of your Heart forever. But in time your feelings for him will ease up.
Keep your Heart & Eyes Open, because your True Love might be right there right now under your nose..I wish you the Best that Life can offer YOU!
Bless

[RockRose]

Well,  the simple answer is,  some people never ever get over grieving a relationship.

Some people recover very,  very quickly.

I have heard that it's easier to recover from the death of a spouse than it is to recover from a divorce you didn't want - and I think you're in that category - of pretty much endured a divorce you didn't want.

Reading through your description it's impossible to tell what you're talking about,  whether he became schizophrenic or some other debilitating mental illness,  or what was going on.