Husband not interested anymore...

[bchild1108]

My husband and I have been married 1 year 2 months and been together for almost 3 years.
I maintained my weight pretty well until April of 2010 i was weighing in about 150 lb. Sex was amazing and had sex 3 to 4 times a week. I ended up getting pregnant, but lost it. We werent ready to be parents at the time so I started to get the DEPO shot because i knew i wouldnt remember to take the pill. I am also one that gets really depressed bad!
Since then (1 year 4 months) i gained 65 lbs. We rarely have sex...maybe twice a month. I've since then stopped taking depo bc that was one of the reasons i gained so much so fast. I ask him to tell me if i am unattractive and the reason he wont have sex with me is because i gained this weight... he says "no, i love you no matter what". which i total crock.
He has been looking at porn A LOT, even though he knows it makes me feel even more unattractive.
I have been trying to lose this weight, but i cant. I'll lose 5 lbs and then it stops.
What can I do to bring the romance back into our life? Is this a lost cause. Should I just leave him since he already loves looking at other woman?

[specialmom]

bchild.  A sudden weight gain such as you describe and at the time you describe could actually be a psychological protective mechanism.  This would not be something that you are consious of.  I really do suggest that seeing a counselor and working through some feelings you may have left over from your very early years (the tossing around from place to place) and the abuse (physical and sexual and verbal) by your former boyfriend.  These may be impacting you even more than you realize or maybe you are unaware completely.  I have seen what you describe happen before---------  within 6 months to a year after the wedding, someone will gain a large amount of weight.  It could be unrelated to your past but if it isn't, it is best to seek some therapy to help.

I do wish you luck sweetie.  Our brains in an effort to protect us can sometimes make things worse.  Just work on it if this is the case and get to those root feelings.  Peace.

[bchild1108]

I dont mind answering your question. Im wide open. I wasnt abused when I was young young. I was adopted when I was 5 years old before that I was tossed from 1 family to the next. When I was 15 I started dating a guy who was controling. He always would tell me mean things and I didnt try to find a way out. When I was 18 I tried to leave but then I lost my virginity to him bc he got me drunk. I felt like I needed to stay then because I wanted my first to be my last. For the next 2 years I WAS sexually and physically abused by him. He then started losing interest in me and  I ended up
catching him cheating on me. He said he had been doing it for over 6 months.
He was a porn watcher.
I guess he damaged me and now I feel insecure about myself and relstionships.

[bchild1108]

Thank you all for yaws advise. I know I over reacted by some of what I said. He is my best friend and I know there is way more to a marriage than sex. I guess because of my bi polar it hurts sometimes and I tend to over think and over react to things. But thsnk you all again! Yaw are the best.

[1spartan]

From a man's perspective I would say maybe it isn't about you. My parents lost twins by miscarriage, my oldest brother and little sister to cribdeath. My mom wanted to keep trying, my dad didn't. It eventually turned my mom to adultery. How'd that work out? Not well. If you don't like filthy porn in your home tell him it hurts you.....and never forget marriage is far more than the bed! He should be your best friend and you his..all my hopes for you

[Kayannaboo]

Just because he's looking at porn doesn't mean that he's going to be into other ladies and forget u hon. He may be stressed or tired and instead of burdening u he keeps it to himself but is a little more off than usual. I think ur aware of ur weight gain and that's the reason why u feel so insecure but the insecurities may be within urself and ur paranoid that ur husband is feeling the same way.

This is not a cause to break up ur marriage at all, it's a minor thing that can be fixed. If u feel so awful about the extra pounds then just work hard and getting it off considering the fact that it is making u feel so uncomfortable.

[specialmom]

Hon.  This is a personal question and you do NOT have to answer it here.  Something to think about.  Were you abused as a child and in particular in a sexual way?  Here is why I ask this.  This is a common pattern that happens with women that were sexually abused as a child.  It may sound strange but the subconsious reacts oddly to things.  If by any chance (and I hope not!)----  you were abused, my best suggestion is to seek some counseling as soon as possible to work through deep down feelings you may have.  

Now, with that out of the way---------  the thing about gaining weight and I did this as well with and after my pregnancies-------  it makes us feel rotten about ourselves.  It makes us feel unsexy ourselves.  We can give off a vibe.  We become insecure.  Etc.  I'm telling you----  working out regularly and eating well as you slowly take off weight will help how you feel about yourself and signals you send your mate.  So, work on this slowly.  Exercise every day if possible.   You'll feel better about everything if you do.  Especially if you are prone to depression.  Physical activity releases our body's natural 'happy' chemical.

I also think that we shouldn't ask someone if 'this' is turning him off.  It is like asking your spouse if your butt looks big in a pair of pants.  How is he going to answer that if it does? He is telling you he loves you.  I'm sure he does.  Work on the intimacy level as you go.  

Okay, those are my thoughts.  good luck dear.

[RockRose]

First off,  reading your profile,  this is not the time to get pregnant.  You're struggling with significant weight gain and an unstable marriage,  and you've only been married a year.  

I also am curious about your statement that you question him if it's your weight that turns him off,  and then you call if a "crock" that he says he loves you.  What do you want him to say?  You've caught him in a catch-22 - you've gained significant weight from your former healthy 150 pounds,  why are you so rude about him trying to hide his feelings about that and treat you kindly?  Yes,  gaining 65 pounds is  probably affecting his libido,  how kind of him not to acknowledge it - really,  that's a kind gesture.  

As it is,  it seems it's time to deal with health issues and try to get back to a healthy weight and put off conceiving until you have a handle on your emotional and physical health.

Best wishes.

[sweetpea03]

You are very quick to think about throwing in the towel after being married for over a year. Relationships are not always easy, but that doesn't mean that walking away is the best option. There are always ways to fix what ever happened if both people in the relationship want to. How old is your husband? Part of this may be do to a decrease in testosterone, plus having the 'honeymoon' stage end after a year of marriage. Also, the depo shot can take a long time to get out of your system and can mess up your hormone levels as well, which can make losing weight difficult. You can make a doctor's appointment to have your hormone levels checked to see what may be holding you back from losing weight. You might also want to look into weight watchers or other diet programs which will help hold you accountable for everything you are eating. To bring back some romance, have you tried having date nights?  Get dressed up and go out to dinner or make a fancy dinner at home. Cooking together can be bonding or going through any "scary" experience together(watching a scary movie, going rock climbing together, or other heart racing activities). Think of something you both enjoy and then go for it. There is more to a relationship than sex, so having a decrease in sex is not the end of the world. Just keep communication open and plan more things to do together. Hope it all goes well.