I NEED URGENT HELP BY SEPTEMBER 3!!!!!

[missnystrom]

I made a mistake after I lost my son back in october to SIDS. I met this guy that was there for me and he tried to get me pregnant he says. I didnt sleep with him a lot in November but it was enough to know that i am not positive on the very last day that we did it. I do believe that it was before thanksgiving and then i stopped going over to his place because i was miserable about what i was doing. i just let him text and call all the time but made up excuses as to why i couldnt come over to see him, figuring he would get bored or something and move on. he never finished inside of me. i always told him to pull out and i always told him that i didnt want to get pregnant and that if he did finish inside of me id never speak to him again. that always seemed to annoy and anger him but i stuck to it. every time i did it with him i went to his bathroom ashamed with myself and used toilet paper to clean anything left in there out of me then went to my place and showered and cleaned up then i took one of my birth control pills. i got my period at the end of november like i was supposed to and i then said to myself ok this is why you need to stay away from him cause if you go back there then he will only try to get you to sleep with him like always and what if he is so dead set on getting you pregnant that he lies about pulling out in time? in december i went to the store and bought an ovulation test (this was around the 8th-12th) and i came home that night and took it. the result was that i was ovulating so my boyfriend and i made love and he finished inside of me like he always does. we had been trying to have a baby but since i was doing what i was doing (he had been doing stuff behind my back as well) i did what i could to try and not let the other guy get me knocked up so it ruined my chances of conceiving with my bf that november. i was determined to get pregnant with my bf so we could have the life we once had again and i could ignore this guy forever and never speak to him again and be happy again. the days that followed we would make love and everytime we did my bf would finish inside of me. on the 28th i decided enough time had passed and i wanted to know if i was going to pregnant and we succeeded or if i was going to get another period. i took a test and it came out positive. upon going to the doctor they said that my baby was measuring to be due on september 1st. now that time has passed quite a bit and we moved far away from this guy and im fixing to have this baby anytime now in the next few weeks..he has found out that i was pregnant via my facebook page which he was blocked from but had a friend of mine telling him what my statuses said. so he found out i was pregnant and got him a lawyer and is trying to take me to court to get a paternity test because he said that its his baby and not my bf's and he wants to throw an injunction on me to force me to move near him so that he can try to make us a family. my bf knows all of this and he is thinking its his baby too so he will be there when he is born. my new doctor says i am actually due on september 3rd and she stated that i ovulated on the 11th or 12th of december. the other guy says that (this is based off a lie i told him) "its my baby you slept with me then you didnt sleep with anyone else and you started working doubles all the time so you werent even home at all so your bf couldnt have gotten you pregnant cause i tried hard to get you pregnant." i am in a terrible mess now and i dont know what to do. ive read that the shettles method claims that if you have sex on or near ovulation you will get a boy and the baby is a boy. i have such a clear and amazing face shot of my new baby where the features are greatly defined and in comparison of my bf's newborn picture and pictures of our first son..they look so much alike. he has the exact same nose my bf has. the other guy says he was a colicy and very large baby and his mother had lots of symptoms. i had none with both of these pregnancies and my belly has been the exact same as it was with my first one. also our fist one was 7lbs. 2 oz. and my bf was almost 7 i was 8lbs. 8 oz. ..they said so far this baby is almost 7 lbs. i just want to know what the chances are of this other guy actually being the father of this baby will be. it is going to destroy my bf if he stands there by my side all those hours and when this baby comes out for him to find out its not his by looking at his face. this will kill him. it will kill me and most importantly it will mess up this baby's life. i made a big mistake and im scared to death now. i dont have much time..just a few more weeks and it kills me to see and hear my bf talk about this baby and feel him and get excited for him to come out. i dont know what to do if its not his, he is going to break down hard. he already tried to commit suicide when we lost our first one cause he thought it was his fault since he was the only one home when he died. he is dying to be a daddy, i dont want to rip that away from him too and he doesnt want to lose me along with it. weve been together almost 10 years and weve been wanting to get married after we know who the dad is and go to counseling so we can talk about the things we did and talk about when we lost our son since its such a sore subject.

[sweetpea03]

I'm sorry to say, but pictures and who the baby looks like really doesn't mean anything. I don't look like my parents at all and I am the whitest person in my family, light skin and blonde hair. Everyone else is more tan than I am and they all are brunettes. Does it mean I am not biologically my parents child? No, not at all. My parents are biologically mine and I don't have a parent somewhere else. The only way you are going to find out who the father is, is by doing a DNA test(paternity test). Other than doing that, it is all purely a guess and doesn't mean much. Get the DNA test done soon and then go from there.

As said by many others, I do hope you seek counseling with your bf to help get through everything that has happened. Keeping things bottled up inside is not healthy at all and you need to be able to communicate better and talk about things. Communication is huge in any relationship and I hope that the two of you can work things out.  

[missnystrom]

I never thought I would actually be here saying this today but I am. This is to all who have written back to me trying to help me. I didnt want to do this individually. AHP84, you pretty much called it. I started asking for help on the 22nd of august thinking I had until about september 3 to figure things out because that was when i was due to have my son. this other guy has left me alone for the most part except for he somehow found out I had to have the baby taken out of me on the 24th in order to get medication in me in time. he is a few weeks early and you can tell. I love him to pieces though and I am actually thankful he is here. This guy right now is currently going through threatening me to take me to court and asking to see pictures of my baby. I have refused to share anything about the baby with him and i told him i would continue that way until he could prove to me he was the father. he says there are papers in the mail stating when he is taking me to court, they havent shown up yet. he has been saying this for two months now. He also informed me that his cancer is back and he only has a 20% chance to live. He is afraid he wont get to see the baby and he will end up dying before he ever gets to see him. I am not a cruel person so I have prayed for his cancer and asked God to help him. I am not going to allow him access to my child though if he isnt the father regardless on if he is dying or not. for all i know he could be lying to me. Meanwhile, my boyfriend was there the day I had my son and he stayed with me in the hospital the whole time. The baby and I are currently living at home with him still. I have not been kicked out and we are still together. He signed the birth certificate at the hospital and he really loves this baby. Our first week home, he told me we needed to talk and he told me that he decided that he loved me way too much and he thought we needed eachother. He thought it would be best for us to go to counseling and he wants to marry me. He also said that regardless of what the test said he was going to be here for us. he said that he wants to be a better husband to me and he said that even though it will hurt a little if he isnt the father, we could always have more children together and that it didnt take blood to make someone a father. He loves me and max both enough and he said that he isnt going anywhere. So we are tired of waiting around for this guy to make some sort of move and get the test done. For our own sakes we are actually going to a lab this week and getting one done ourselves. it is an expensive thing but its worth it to us all. we are hoping and praying it comes back as ours and we can send him a copy and tell him to leave us alone. I am curious as to if anybody agrees with me, my boyfriend, and everybody who has seen the photographs. the other guy sent me pictures of him as a baby and if anybody wants to help me by voicing their opinion i will send these photos along with my new sons and my first sons photos to your email and you can tell me what you think. The verdict that everyone else has been swearing up and down on? he looks so much more like me but he also looks a whole lot like our first baby. I would like to know what everyone else thinks. thank you all so much for helping me along the way!

[missnystrom]

After everything we have both been through, we have found someone and are finally getting the help we need. We have both been very successful at talking about everything we have kept locked up. We have promised to work very hard on the matter together because we both have to come to the realization that we need eachother and we both dont want to abandon one another. After a two week therapy session with our minister and friend, he is going to marry us for free. If we need further assistance after the two weeks or even after we have been married, we can speak with him at any time. He does sessions for couples all of the time as part of his movement to try and make couples stronger BEFORE marriage so as to help prevent from adding to the divorce rate. I think everything is going to be ok finally.

[brice1967]

You said so much when you said, in reference to your child's death when you said, "we never spoke about it and just kept it bottled up."  I totally get how you would not want to hurt each other.  Never speaking about it almost seems logical, right?  Here's the deal with that theory though.  Unfortunately, your child's death is always going to be there.  There will always be a bit of tension regarding it.  Instead of never talking about it, it is far better to both talk about it, support each other while talking about it, and put it in a place that is far more comfortable to talk about.  You have to talk about it.... it happened and it affected the both of you.  This is now part of who you are, but it doesn't need to ruin your lives.  Talking about it lets both of you know how the other feels, and being supportive while the other talks, cries, or even gets mad shows that you are there.... how important is that?

I've heard of things like this destroying relationships.  Certainly relationships change after something like this, but I've heard of relationships becoming so much stronger because of this.  There is a ton of power right at your finger tips that you can harness to benefit you.  It's right there, it will take the both of you.  Get help... let him read this stuff.  None of this is judgemental, it is pointing out the obvious or at leasst ones perception of the "obvious".  Get help together.

[nursegirl6572]

Hello.  I'm going to chime in per your PM request.

As the others have said, you'r only option at this point is to have the DNA test, and while it is more likely that your BF is the father, you and your BF still need to prepare for the possibility that the other guy could be the biological dad.  Take this one step at a time and have the DNA test after the child is born.

I agree that counseling is very important.  You and your BF suffered a terrible loss...you both need to explore your feelings about that and start dealing with the awful pain it caused.  Of course you will be a good Mom.....you lost you son and that's awful but that doesn't mean you can't be a good Mom!  It wasn't your fault that your son died.  It's unfortunate and tragic, but it happens.

You and your BF need to keep talking about all of this..including havibg difficult discussions on how this whole DNA situation is making him feel.  You know how stressful this has been for you, imagine how HE feels.  You both need to be honest and open with each other about your feelings.  That is where therapy will be invaulable for your both.  The therapist can help you both to start discussing hard topics like this.

I'm praying that this has the outcome you seek, but know that regardless of WHO turns out to be the bio father, you still can have the life you want and fill your child's life with love...you will just have to do that with one other person in the mix.  People do that every day after divorces and other situations.

I'm so sorry for your loss...my heart goes out to you.  Take this one day and one step at a time.  Very best of luck to you all!

[missnystrom]

thank you, im so glad i found this website. i have scoured websites looking for guidance and reassurance and have come up empty handed. mostly i feel judged and dirty. i will for sure let you know what has happened when it happens. please say an extra prayer tonight for me and i hope God keeps you and yours happy and safe. i never knew the power of the saying "you never know what you got til its gone" til now. after losing our son and now all of this...it can be gone in a heartbeat every single bit of it and this is my world. it was hard enough to lose one in my world but losing my whole actual world? will i even be able to function and be a good mom after a thing like that?

[AHP84]

Please keep us updated. The people on this forum can offer really great support if you ever need it. :-)

[missnystrom]

i know it is confusing, but our families have been so close for years so we say together meaning we have been in eachother's lives and we have always loved eachother we just didn't ever admit it to one another until we turned 14 lol been in an actual official relationship ever since.

[missnystrom]

thank you so much...im hoping it is my boyfriend's. The two of us were pretty messed up after we lost our son. I don't even know what either one of us was thinking it just hit us and we didn't want to hurt one another by talking about it so we didn't talk about it and instead bottled it up. We really do need help and I have been praying to God to please have mercy on us and give us a second chance to show him that we can be the family he would want us to be.

[brice1967]

I am so very sorry that you lost your first child.  I cannot imagine the pain that you must be going through.

I have a few concerns.  First off, you say that you're 21 years old in your bio and then you say that you and your boyfriend have been together for 10 years.  That would have made you 11.... kind of a bit young to be entering a relationship, if you were to ask me.  How old is your boyfriend?

You both have a few issues to deal with, and a professional is the only way to get through any of this.  Regardless of whose baby this is, both of you need help.  You've been through a lot, you've complicated a difficult situation by what looks to be that you've both stepped outside of the relationship, and now you've got real concerns as to who's baby this is???  Holy cow, quite the soap opera.

For the sake of this child coming, please go get help.