I am falling....for the wrong person???

[alvaa]

Ok, first off, I am so glad that there is a relationship forum here. I did not realize that until now. I am a clinically depressed person with anxiety disorder. I am a "family values republican"....whatever that means.

I got divorced in 2007. I have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. I met a girl through school activities. She is 32 (I am 40) and at first I never thought anything about her. She was some woman with 4 kids. She also has tattoos which do not turn me on. The more I got to know her and her personality, the more I liked her. We joined on facebook and it got even more dramatic. She had issues, she had enemies. She has people busting out her car windows and stuff. She is very opposite than me. She has 4 kids from 3 men, one was an affair. She lived with a black man for a while (Let me get back to this). I found out stuff about her because I know the people she works for. She got pregnant in high school. I adore her! I adore her kids. They seem to like me. She asked me out and I am scared. The fact that she live with a black guy does not bother me at all but with the exception that I cannot "measure up" so to speak. I am not even above average for a white guy. She has all of this baggage but I would do anything for her. She is so awesome. I don't want to get hurt but I do not want to hurt her either. Can anyone give me some advice?

[alvaa]

Hooray for me! I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist on March 21!!! I am excited and nervous. My anxiety got worse the past couple of days because I have been sick, but I scheduled an appointment today and I look forward to it.

[specialmom]

I think you are doing the right thing as the other two ladies have said by getting your mental health in order.  Once you are doing better in that area, you'll be in a better position to make good decisions for yourself.  

We ALL here wish you the very best. Hang in there and I'm sorry you are hurting.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Awww, Alvaa
It's okay to wanna love and be loved.  We just need to be "smart" about who We "choose" to be in love with!!

It's good, very, very good that You are seeking therapy, psychiatry, whatever, and I commend You for doing that!!.  EveryOne wants SomeOne but We do, We really DO, need to make healthy choices - and she was not it!!   There is always a "reason" why We take the paths that We take - and often those "reasons" are not good ones!!  The more We understand OurSelves - the better chance We have of making better choices.

I've said this before:  Love IS a choice.  I believe that from the bottom of my heart.  We do not HAVE to love SomeOne who is NOT a good choice!!  When We understand this We CHOOSE better relationships.

[Londres70]

Hey, the important thing is that you get the help you need as you desperately need it.  

[alvaa]

I am trying to get a different one. It's a little further away but it is 100% paid for by my insurance. I promise I am not suicidal or anything, as a matter of fact I am terrified of death, but I realize after getting sent home from work and my boss saying "we are worried about you and you need to take some time off," that I have a problem. It's not just her, there's a whole lot more going on. I was on the phone with my exwife yesterday for over an hour. Wow! when you can talk and be friends with your exwife it sure is helpful.

Anyhow, after 2 days of crying, I realize, I need some serious help!

[Londres70]

Please call that Psychiatrist ASAP/like today.  Don't wait for him/her to return your call.  You need help like NOW.  

[alvaa]

I think I am going to wash my hands of this. I have read everything. I have heard my friends, coworkers, and the few of my family who object.

[TTinKKerBBell]

There has been a lot more expressed here outside of Your text, her text, text, text text.........  
You suffer selective hearing (You hear only the bits and pieces You want to hear).  There have been numerous, valid concerns expressed that You ignore.  You should go back to the beginning, re-read everything You wrote, re-read everyone's input, post by post.

[alvaa]

Thank you. I know. It's only been since last March since I went out. I dated a (too young for me) 23 yr old girl. I never had this problem with her. We dated off and on for about 2 years.

[specialmom]

She said it to a coworker that reported back to you. I don't know why she said it and maybe she doesn't mind you texting but you are way too invested in this right now.  You are going to crash if you get anymore involved and she rejects you.

Maybe she has a cheap wal mart phone----------  but you really need to slow yourself down.  I'm guessing you haven't dated in a long time?  

I'm really going to say again that you are thinking about this way too much and maybe even obsessing a bit.  I think your anxiety disorder is playing a signficant role here.  

[alvaa]

Well, if she didn't want me to text her why would she say something to the effect, "he quit texting me"?

[specialmom]

Oh boy, well, that was detailed.  Here is the thing-------  she's a mom of FOUR kids, works, has a house, etc.  Two hours of texting . . . yeesh.  Anyway, I'm dead serious when I tell you that I feel you need to slow yourself down here.  Whether she got the text or not.  This is a bit much early on and your attachment at this point is worrisome.  

You are seriously going a bit overboard with something that is new.  Whether you were friends or not, you were NOT dating and have only had one date.  And you should make it clear within your own self that this woman is going to be pretty busy.  She's got a lot on her plate.  And ya know, she really could just be saying that to the coworker that YOU know and gets back to you with a full report.  (intrusive and would bug me if i were her).  

good luck

[alvaa]

Let me sum up real quick (I am so sorry about this, I am not good with relationships):

We coached a soccer team together. After the season (Around May 2011) we had a play date with our kids. No big deal.
Every couple of weeks or so, she would text me to see how my daughter and I were. I wouldn't push anything there.
I would flirt with her on facebook some and "like" her pictures.
About 2 and 1/2 weeks ago she sent me a text asking me if I wanted to do something without the kids so we could get to know each other. I said sure, maybe (Keeping it open because I wasn't sure I wanted that).
We txted some.
I went to her work the next day to see my friend and her mom. Tisha saw me. We talked a while and I walked to with her to her car.
That night she sent me a text and said that she was so glad to see me.

And then last week, early on, we texted for like 2 hours getting to know each other. The next night we skyped.
She put on my facebook, "Showing your wall some love"
2 days after that, she txted to make sure we were carrying kids to indoor playground.
That night we met there and had a great time. I texted her that night and said I had a good time. She replied the same.
The next day, I didn't bother her all day, but that night I just asked how her day was. She was really short with answers, so I left her alone.
Sunday, I only texted her at around 8:30, wishing her a good week.
Monday, I did not txt her.

Tuesday she posted on facebook, happy valentines day, and that she was sad because she had no one to spend it with (Again, I felt like I had backed away enough)
Also Tuesday, she got the flowers, but stated to someone that I had not txted with her in 3 days and I had her confused that I would send her flowers. Making me think that she thought I was not interested.
I txted her to see if she got them and she thanked me for them.
I told her that I was just trying to keep my distance and not be pushy.
She said that I wasn't.
I told her that I liked her and just wanted her to know.
She said something to the effect of taking it slow. I said ok.
I asked if we could txt later. She said yes.
Last night I txted her and she txted me but she seemed busy, so I told her just txt me if u get a chance. She was having supper with her kids.
At around 8, I asked if she had a good time and we txted for a few. She seemed to have been missing many of my txts. Also, all through this she would send me off the wall txts that actually didn't belong to me. So, I think it is very well possible that she missed some of my txts and thought I stopped txting her.

People I work with, told me to back off because I would push her away if I seemed pushy. I did.

But then her comment confused me.

Sorry for the rant/

[specialmom]

I think backing off is a smart idea.  Whether she is getting the texts or not.  Too much too soon is not a good thing for her or you.  good luck

[alvaa]

Well, I did back off. I stopped texting her so much, and then she made that comment to someone about me not communicating with her so she was surprised that I sent her flowers.

[specialmom]

I'm going to be blunt.  I'm a mom--------  if someone kept texting me when I was with my kids after one 'real' date . . .  well, it is too much!  I mean, play a little hard to get would ya?!  I'm joking but you are way too 'into' this for something that has just started and that spooks a lot of people off.  I've been there and it can actually start to creep someone out.  

I'm serious about this.  I had men that I went on one date with that started calling me everyday (before texting was the 'thing') and send me flowers and I just felt like it was WAY too much WAY too soon.  

You worry me how attached you get so quickly.  I'm glad you are seeing your psychiatrist-----  discuss this with them.  It can be a real issue in dating.  good luck

[alvaa]

I am waiting for the psychiatrist to call me back. I left her a message.

But what I am saying is, I texted her Saturday night and she responded to my first 2 but not the rest. I texted her Sunday night and she did not respond, and then Monday night and she did not respond. Finally Tuesday morning she sent me a text wishing me happy Valentines day. She got the flowers and said that she was confused because I hadn't texted her in 3 days.

I think she has that crappy Wal-Mart plan.

[Londres70]

Have you gone to counseling yet?  You really should sort out your issues including why you attach yourself so quickly to women and of course this severe anxiety of yours BEFORE trying to pursue anyone.  You need to take care of yourself first.    

Seems like you are becoming more and more panicky as you pursue this.

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, let me just tell you that I've done that when I didn't respond to someone.  "Oh, I didn't get the  message".  Not proud of it but it is the easy way out once in a blue moon.  

Maybe she isn't getting them.  Does anyone else you know have problems when you text them?  

Is there anyway you  could date around and not JUST her so that you don't get too attached too quick??  

[alvaa]

New update:

I sent her flowers yesterday at her workplace. She told a co-worker that she was confused because I stopped communicating with her (txting) for 3 days. We texted last night and I am getting the impression that she is not getting all of my text messages. For example, I texted her last night that I would like to talk to her instead of texting some time this week. She never responded. I texted her this morning and asked her if she got my message about talking last night and she said no.

[alvaa]

Thank you. I am starting to back away now. She seems to be an off and on girl. Last week we skyped and it went good, but she became distant the next few days. Then we took our kids to the playground and I thought it went awesome, but since then she's been distant. I sort of wished I didn't order those flowers from proflowers to be delivered to her work tomorrow. I talked to her boss today and told her to take my name off of them when they come in. I will see if she wonders who they are from or if she knows they are from me. If she has no idea or thinks someone else, then I will back out of this.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I want you to know that everyone has your best interest at heart.  New romance is very exciting and sometimes it clouds the big picture.  

Just try to keep your eyes open and your head clear if you pursue this.  And it is always a good idea to make sure our mental health is taken care of.  

good luck

[alvaa]

I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. We had a good time Friday night but didn't talk much after that, so I am a bit concerned.

As for my anxiety issues, I am attempting to make an appointment with the psychiatrist now.

[Londres70]

I really think you should sort out your anxiety issues because it is apparent that they are extreme and muddle your perception of situations, people, what people say, etc.  

This is not my life so NO need for me to mad about anything.  

By all means, go ahead and make your plan happen.