Aa
I cheated on my wife
I have been in college for a couple years now, and married every day of that; 3 years. I feel as though I was never able to explore college because I got married when I was 21. My whole life I have felt ugly and my wife has helped me through a lot of those issues however I have never received much attention from girls.
This semester a girl and I have been flirting quite a bit, usually after a bunch of our friends, and us, go to the bar. Until this past Friday nothing had come up from the flirting. Friday night we ended up being at the same party and danced a couple of times. I went to her home Saturday night to pick up a project we are working on together (the teams were assigned by the teacher) and tell her that we could not "flirt" anymore; testosterone was high and heart beats were up, I did not leave for an hour. We did not have sex, or kiss, but, not to be vulgar but I pulled down her pants part way and felt her bum and fingered her for not more than 3 seconds. It was a situation where she wanted to go a lot farther, and so did I.
I love my wife and I absolutely don't want to hurt her. I can't stop feeling guilty about this. I don't think my wife would ever find out if I didn't tell her, but if I don't and she does find out that will probably guarantee a divorce. There will be no more flirting, at all, with the other lady. I will pursue counseling to find the heart of the issue here. If I tell her I want to tell her soon, but how much do I tell her? Details? I feel as though that would just hurt her more. I was thinking that I would tell my wife that the other lady and I were flirting this semester, we danced a bit, and ended it with hugging and I grabbed her bum. Should I mention the fingering part? What parts should I, and should not, tell her? I can't stand how guilty I feel.
This semester a girl and I have been flirting quite a bit, usually after a bunch of our friends, and us, go to the bar. Until this past Friday nothing had come up from the flirting. Friday night we ended up being at the same party and danced a couple of times. I went to her home Saturday night to pick up a project we are working on together (the teams were assigned by the teacher) and tell her that we could not "flirt" anymore; testosterone was high and heart beats were up, I did not leave for an hour. We did not have sex, or kiss, but, not to be vulgar but I pulled down her pants part way and felt her bum and fingered her for not more than 3 seconds. It was a situation where she wanted to go a lot farther, and so did I.
I love my wife and I absolutely don't want to hurt her. I can't stop feeling guilty about this. I don't think my wife would ever find out if I didn't tell her, but if I don't and she does find out that will probably guarantee a divorce. There will be no more flirting, at all, with the other lady. I will pursue counseling to find the heart of the issue here. If I tell her I want to tell her soon, but how much do I tell her? Details? I feel as though that would just hurt her more. I was thinking that I would tell my wife that the other lady and I were flirting this semester, we danced a bit, and ended it with hugging and I grabbed her bum. Should I mention the fingering part? What parts should I, and should not, tell her? I can't stand how guilty I feel.
Nothing good is going to come from telling her. You bent the rules - hard - but you stopped. You have been tested and nearly blew it. Now, what would the outcome be if you told her? Well, you'd get some bad stuff off of your head and she'll know your block off. Nice.
Time heals. Learn from what you did and almost did and don't do anything stupid right now. Give it a year.
I know, I know, honesty and all that. Well, let's face it, what you did is not going to help the situation. If you tell her you will regret it and trust will be shattered in your relationship.
What I would do is get focused on your life and relationship rather than putting it in a death spiral. Think about what activities lead you to that fateful encounter. Actually, I can tell you what they are: you have a girl who comes on to you and you're hot for her. That happens. It's normal and part of our make-up. It's the DISCIPLINE part that keeps committed men and women from acting on their every whim. You're probably just a bit too young to have developed that discipline part of your life.
Cool out, give it time, forgive yourself and learn from what happened.
Time heals. Learn from what you did and almost did and don't do anything stupid right now. Give it a year.
I know, I know, honesty and all that. Well, let's face it, what you did is not going to help the situation. If you tell her you will regret it and trust will be shattered in your relationship.
What I would do is get focused on your life and relationship rather than putting it in a death spiral. Think about what activities lead you to that fateful encounter. Actually, I can tell you what they are: you have a girl who comes on to you and you're hot for her. That happens. It's normal and part of our make-up. It's the DISCIPLINE part that keeps committed men and women from acting on their every whim. You're probably just a bit too young to have developed that discipline part of your life.
Cool out, give it time, forgive yourself and learn from what happened.
Sorry, I meant to write "she'll knock your block off" which is probably about right.
What good does it come from telling her? If you love her and value your marriage you won't let it happen again. Right???
Dove
Dove
I agree with the others, nothing good will come of it if you tell her. Sounds like you were married young and never had a chance to play the field. Unfortunately that does take you out of the game and now you must abide by the rules. Why don't you talk to your wife about the things you missed by getting married so young. She maybe having the same feelings and it sure makes for a better marriage when you work through it together.
i agree that you shouldn't tell her, except if you see yourself going down the same path again. and just try to have fun with your wife so that you don't get bored so young. it's really hard on a relationship when the commitment happens to quickly or too early. Good Luck!
bengineer, watch yourself from now on. I've known people, like you, who didn't feel attractive/popular in their teen years, got into a good relationship, and then later didn't know how to handle themselves when suddenly someone else treated them like they were attractive/popular. Now that you know how overwhelming that feeling of attention can be, you can be realistic and acknowledge that if/when it happens again, you'll recognize it for what it is and handle yourself better; OR hope that it will never happen again, find get caught in the same situation later on down the road. I think a lot of people go through what you're going through, and some manage to deal with it well, while others flounder. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it anymore - just take charge for yourself.
ok. obviously im the minority. i dont necessarily think you have to tell her anything. because thats your own choice. but i do think that for anyone to do anything sexual with another person, they would have to have no conscience not to want tell their partner. i know if it were me, my conscience would eat away at me. if yours is not, then maybe you dont really feel so bad. and maybe that should be a clue that you are not 100% committed to this relationship. that whole married young, never having experiences thing, if you ask me, is a load of ****. you made your choice in life and that was to be married. there was a time you know when people saved themselves for marriage and never strayed. not that i think thats what people should do, im just saying, its not like an impossible thing to be in a monogamous relationship even if you haven't had experience. dont get me wrong, i hear where you're coming from. i never had the opportunity to go live away at school like most of my friends. i had a long-term relationship all through high school which ended and then i met my now husband and we have a child together. i just turned 24. so i never really got to "play the field" either. but thats no excuse to cheat on someone you made a promise to. and even if you didnt kiss this girl or have sex with her and eventhough you stopped yourself - you're still wrong. if you let yourself get this close this time, who's to say you wont do it again. i think the bigger picture in all of this is not whether or not you should tell your wife, but whether or not you really want to be married. take this as an opportunity to look at yourself and figure out what you want in life before you hurt your wife even more. in any event, if you decide to continue your relationship, maybe in the future, you should spend more time with your wife and less time dancing with girls at parties.
The issue of conscience is a suffering the 'doer' needs to deal with but not necessarily something he needs to spread upon his wife. Let's face it, many times the one who strays 'relieves' his/her conscience by telling the spouse only to have things spiral out of control.
If he's dedicating himself to making the relationship work then he ought to learn to deal with his mistake and resolve not to let it happen again. Sometimes we have to own and live with our failures. That's the proverbial "skeletons in the closet" that is so often talked about.
If my wife did what he did I sure as hell would object to it but quite frankly in the grand scheme of things I'd rather she live with the pain rather than telling me. After having kids and a broader perspective on life there are some things that outweigh a weak moment.
If he's dedicating himself to making the relationship work then he ought to learn to deal with his mistake and resolve not to let it happen again. Sometimes we have to own and live with our failures. That's the proverbial "skeletons in the closet" that is so often talked about.
If my wife did what he did I sure as hell would object to it but quite frankly in the grand scheme of things I'd rather she live with the pain rather than telling me. After having kids and a broader perspective on life there are some things that outweigh a weak moment.
i agree that only he will be dealing with his conscience, but in the end, if you can bear to look in the eyes of someone you supposively "love" knowing they don't know what you've done, and continue on day to day, you need to step back and really think about whether or not you want to continue on in the relationship. i mean, i think for people to cheat, there has to be something lacking within you and they way you feel about your current relationship. everyone will have attraction to other people at some point, its when you act on it that it becomes a problem.
if he is dedicated to making the relationship work, then yeah, keep your "skeleton" in the closet and be the best husband you can be. i just dont think it every really works out that way. if you do it once, you're likely to do it again, somewhere down the road. people have strayed and learned their lesson and never done it again, but its few and far between. and, on a side note, i always thought "skeletons in the closet" referred more to things from your past and not necessarily present.
there is no way that letting yourself get that close to another person when you are married, not dating, married, can be constituted as a "moment of weakness". it is uncalled for and should have never happened in the first place. it was a deliberate, thought about move and i really think that if the OP let himself develop such feelings for someone other than his wife, than maybe he doesn't really want to be with his wife. im just asking him to look at himself first, before continuing on this path and causing his wife greater pain when he meets the next girl and history repeats itself (which it has a tendency to do).
if he is dedicated to making the relationship work, then yeah, keep your "skeleton" in the closet and be the best husband you can be. i just dont think it every really works out that way. if you do it once, you're likely to do it again, somewhere down the road. people have strayed and learned their lesson and never done it again, but its few and far between. and, on a side note, i always thought "skeletons in the closet" referred more to things from your past and not necessarily present.
there is no way that letting yourself get that close to another person when you are married, not dating, married, can be constituted as a "moment of weakness". it is uncalled for and should have never happened in the first place. it was a deliberate, thought about move and i really think that if the OP let himself develop such feelings for someone other than his wife, than maybe he doesn't really want to be with his wife. im just asking him to look at himself first, before continuing on this path and causing his wife greater pain when he meets the next girl and history repeats itself (which it has a tendency to do).
bengineer, give it some time and see how your conscience feels in a year. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems or as good as it appears.
I really have to disagree that people who have marched to the cheaters valley of betrayal, dipped a toe in the lusty waters and have drawn back are a menace to society.
So many good people I know have gone there and survived the tests. What happened to bengineer was indeed a weak moment that could have had a lot to do with genetics over good sense. I'm not excusing it and I hope he finds a good spot to hide it in his head but let's face it he wasn't having a daily shag at the Motel 6 for 5 months. Now that's cheating.
Sure, I don't want my wifes hands in anyones pants either but I can understand lust, it's when she's in love with someone else that I know I'm doomed.
Give it time. Youthful indescretions as all of our politicians, entertainers, and religious leaders like to say....
I really have to disagree that people who have marched to the cheaters valley of betrayal, dipped a toe in the lusty waters and have drawn back are a menace to society.
So many good people I know have gone there and survived the tests. What happened to bengineer was indeed a weak moment that could have had a lot to do with genetics over good sense. I'm not excusing it and I hope he finds a good spot to hide it in his head but let's face it he wasn't having a daily shag at the Motel 6 for 5 months. Now that's cheating.
Sure, I don't want my wifes hands in anyones pants either but I can understand lust, it's when she's in love with someone else that I know I'm doomed.
Give it time. Youthful indescretions as all of our politicians, entertainers, and religious leaders like to say....
Man, listen. first of all. getting married at such a young age isn't all the smart. But i feel you on the whole hormone thing, we've all done it from time to time. even though not all of us feel comfortable cheating. as do i. but your going to have to tell your wife. and the fact she MAY not take if very well... assure to her than its all going to be fine, and you will control yourself. and listen to others as they say not to make it to straight forward. just bring it to her kind of slow.
I have a friend that was in the position a little while ago. She had a low self esteem most of her life until she met her boyfriend 2 years ago. She cheated on him with 1 guy but during a break slept with other guys. Well they ended up getting back together and he forgave her. They are now getting married. Just thought I would share that with you.
raindelay - you're definitions of things baffle me. pulling down another womans pants and fingering her does not constitute a "moment of weakness" or "lust" in my dictionary.
maybe you're last sentence exemplifies what is wrong with this world. you are justifying this man's actions by saying "hey, all these other guys did it - our world leaders, celebrities and priests". well, if you ask me, someone who has made a "youthful indescretion" should probably not be married.
has marriage lost all meaning to everyone? i just dont get it. everyone is so quick to tell this man to sweep it under the rug. what the heck is the point of being married then? is a husband/wife suppose to just be someone who will be there when you come home no matter what you were out doing? in what world does "love, honor and cherish" mean, "go flirt and screw around with random chicks then come home and climb into bed with me". i am unimpressed with the lack of morals on this thread.
maybe you're last sentence exemplifies what is wrong with this world. you are justifying this man's actions by saying "hey, all these other guys did it - our world leaders, celebrities and priests". well, if you ask me, someone who has made a "youthful indescretion" should probably not be married.
has marriage lost all meaning to everyone? i just dont get it. everyone is so quick to tell this man to sweep it under the rug. what the heck is the point of being married then? is a husband/wife suppose to just be someone who will be there when you come home no matter what you were out doing? in what world does "love, honor and cherish" mean, "go flirt and screw around with random chicks then come home and climb into bed with me". i am unimpressed with the lack of morals on this thread.
girliegilr1723, I understand that those things don't meet your definition. But, those actions are a 'moment of weakness' and derived out of 'lust' for a person who does it in a committed relationship. If he loves his wife - as he says he does - and is remorseful for what he did - which it appears he is - then it was done in a moment of weakness. If he could take back the moment he would.
My last comment was sarcasm and not an attempt to justify the behavior. That was tongue in cheek.
Marriage has not lost its meaning and that is why I advocate that he consider carefully whether disclosing what happened to his wife is the best thing for his marriage. I understand the emotional element that these things need to be shared to somehow cleanse our conscience. But, I can guarantee you that the other side of that confession is hell.
In relative terms, his hand in her pants is a lightweight issue compared to months of meeting at hotels, instant messaging, and being in love with someone else. One is salvagable the other probably isn't.
Many, many good people have gone to the edge of fidelity, started across and returned. That doesn't make them all cheaters, liars, and losers. I'm also not justifying those actions either. They are people who have had the commitments tested and found the discipline to walk away from it.
What should we do with these people who have had moments of weakness but found the will to stop?
Aren't there some things that people do that we keep to ourselves because the pain of our disclosure is greater than the load on one's conscience? And no, it doesn't mean that it's a free-for-all in terms of monogamy and that everyone can assign a unique definition to commitment.
What I'm saying is some ill acts are lesser ill acts than others. It doesn't change the nature of the negative choice, it just says that how one reacts to a bad choice can be conditional on the nature of the action.
One last point has to do with what I would call 'relationship maturity.' I have been married 14 years and am happily married. Years ago what he did would have been a disaster in our relationship. But we live in a different world that we did 14 years ago and now see that a love can overcome certain actions because the love has had time to mature and broaden its meaning.
Does his marriage have the maturity to overcome this? I don't know. I do know that what he did may make him understand himself more and quite possibly make him a better long-term partner for his wife. It's true. Emotionally we want to cry 'foul' on that moralization but on the other hand good people have learned from near misses and have gone on to better self-discipline.
Just my opinion for this complicated and unfortunate situation.
My last comment was sarcasm and not an attempt to justify the behavior. That was tongue in cheek.
Marriage has not lost its meaning and that is why I advocate that he consider carefully whether disclosing what happened to his wife is the best thing for his marriage. I understand the emotional element that these things need to be shared to somehow cleanse our conscience. But, I can guarantee you that the other side of that confession is hell.
In relative terms, his hand in her pants is a lightweight issue compared to months of meeting at hotels, instant messaging, and being in love with someone else. One is salvagable the other probably isn't.
Many, many good people have gone to the edge of fidelity, started across and returned. That doesn't make them all cheaters, liars, and losers. I'm also not justifying those actions either. They are people who have had the commitments tested and found the discipline to walk away from it.
What should we do with these people who have had moments of weakness but found the will to stop?
Aren't there some things that people do that we keep to ourselves because the pain of our disclosure is greater than the load on one's conscience? And no, it doesn't mean that it's a free-for-all in terms of monogamy and that everyone can assign a unique definition to commitment.
What I'm saying is some ill acts are lesser ill acts than others. It doesn't change the nature of the negative choice, it just says that how one reacts to a bad choice can be conditional on the nature of the action.
One last point has to do with what I would call 'relationship maturity.' I have been married 14 years and am happily married. Years ago what he did would have been a disaster in our relationship. But we live in a different world that we did 14 years ago and now see that a love can overcome certain actions because the love has had time to mature and broaden its meaning.
Does his marriage have the maturity to overcome this? I don't know. I do know that what he did may make him understand himself more and quite possibly make him a better long-term partner for his wife. It's true. Emotionally we want to cry 'foul' on that moralization but on the other hand good people have learned from near misses and have gone on to better self-discipline.
Just my opinion for this complicated and unfortunate situation.
If my husband did that, I would want him to tell me, just as I would tell him if I ever did that. Its what a marriage is based upon- trust- and while you violated it, it doesn't mean your life will spiral out of control from telling her... it also doesn't mean that there won't be consequences. You show love by being honest, not by hiding something and hoping she never finds out. On another note of details, I would be vague about what happened as too many details can make it a hard thing to forgive and forget... but, you should answer questions she asks to show that you want to be open and honest and to start to rebuild trust, which will be a long process but vital if you want to save your marriage. Good luck :)
If my husband cheated on me, I would want to know. I think you should tell her. Either she will forgive you, or move on. Obviously your relationship was lacking something for you to not just be like 'hell no i have my beautiful wife at home'.
If you tell anyone, tell a counselor. Unless you just wanting to brag and hurt her. And quit going to bars with women other than your wife.
Well, thanks everyone for your responses; I have read them over, and talked to a couple of my close friends, and have pretty much decided what to do. Contrary to popular forum opinion, I will tell my wife but I won't go into great detail. While I did get married young and never really got to "play the field", as someone said above, I think that this was a case of months of flirting that, put into the wrong situation, went too far. I say "put into the wrong situation" because when I went over her home to pick up the project when I should have met her at a coffee shop or something. My approach in telling anyone, very much including my wife, is absolutely not to brag. In no way am I proud of this, and being proud of a situation is what is at the heart of bragging. Thanks for your opinion though.
raindelay-thanks for your opinion, I respect your straight-forwardness.
raindelay-thanks for your opinion, I respect your straight-forwardness.
Good luck bengineer.
"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up." - Joseph Barth
"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up." - Joseph Barth
Are you crazy?
NOT TELL HER?
You need to think to yourself, just because you think it will never happen again that's no reason to not tell her, that's horrible..
Do you think its worth spairing her feelings so yu don't get in a big arguement and risk losing her. Well its not.. Also, ONE DAY she WILL findout.. Because you obviously feel guilty coming on here and if you have any kind of a heart you're gonna eventually tell her and believe me waiting 1 month.. Even 1 year to admitt his is not going to soften the blow..
You love this girl right?
If some guy had his hands all over her violating her, would you rather NOT know? Just so you never had to deal with it... or would you rather knowww and work through it..
Not telling her is the easy way out and eventually karma will catch up with you and she's gonna findout and the situation will be 10x worse.
NOT TELL HER?
You need to think to yourself, just because you think it will never happen again that's no reason to not tell her, that's horrible..
Do you think its worth spairing her feelings so yu don't get in a big arguement and risk losing her. Well its not.. Also, ONE DAY she WILL findout.. Because you obviously feel guilty coming on here and if you have any kind of a heart you're gonna eventually tell her and believe me waiting 1 month.. Even 1 year to admitt his is not going to soften the blow..
You love this girl right?
If some guy had his hands all over her violating her, would you rather NOT know? Just so you never had to deal with it... or would you rather knowww and work through it..
Not telling her is the easy way out and eventually karma will catch up with you and she's gonna findout and the situation will be 10x worse.
I think a good idea is to hypothetically reverse the situation. If your wife had cheated on you, would you want to know?
Here's the thing...whether or not you tell her doesn't erase that fact that you cheated on her. You may get peace of mind for a little while thinking you just won't tell her because you are saving her the pain but that will always be on your shoulders. Face up to what you did and the mistake you made. Come clean. It is much easier to repeat the problem if you never admit to the person you hurt what you did. If you are truly sorry confess and take it from there. There will be a lot of hurt. I KNOW...and at first she will fly off the handle...give her time. What if she finds out later... it will be much worse and she may not feel like you were sorry or felt guilty for it right away. You've taken away committment from her, at least give her honesty.
You have already made up your mind to tell her, which is a great sign of strength.
If you were still undecided, I would tell you this: if you are extremely convinced that you will not be tempted to cheat in the future, I would keep the event to myself. Your wife likely still has all the faith in you that she is your one and only. Don`t take that faith from her if what happened is truly a thing of the past now. Once she has nagging doubts and sees any female in your environment as a danger, your marriage might be brittle.
So, at least spare her all the details, as you said.
Maybe she is a strong partner as well and you both come out of this as winners.
If you were still undecided, I would tell you this: if you are extremely convinced that you will not be tempted to cheat in the future, I would keep the event to myself. Your wife likely still has all the faith in you that she is your one and only. Don`t take that faith from her if what happened is truly a thing of the past now. Once she has nagging doubts and sees any female in your environment as a danger, your marriage might be brittle.
So, at least spare her all the details, as you said.
Maybe she is a strong partner as well and you both come out of this as winners.
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