Aa
I don't understand ...
I am 24 years old and have been with my 26 year old boyfriend for 8 years. Over the course of our relationship I have learned a lot and grown as a person and as a partner. Unfortuneatly, he has not learned anything (at all, literally) and has actually become worse of a partner. I'm not at all trying to imply that I am a perfect girlfriend; I am fully aware of my faults and do my best to work on them, but my boyfriend is somehow completely oblivious to his faults or the things that he repeatedly says/does that are very hurtful. He, somehow, has no idea how incredibly manipulative he is and actually finds his ignorance to it amusing when I mention it to him. If he doesn't get his way or if something displeases him, he throws a tantrum (yelling, swearing, stomping, slamming things). Once his tantrum has pissed me off and basically put me in a bad mood, he's back to sunshine and rainbows. This is an every day occurance. He takes all his **** out on me and then as soon as I'm unhappy, he's whistling and off to see his friends like nothing happened. He also blames me for everything, everything is my fault - even if I have no idea what he's talking about. Anyway, I suppose I've dealt with this long enough and have pretty much become accustomed to being miserable, unimportant, and worthless, but that isn't even why I'm writing this. For our entire relationship, he has basically used me for sex. This is the breaking point for me and I really don't understand it. He wants to have sex usually about twice a month. If I try to withhold from sex with him because of the way he treats me, he forces himself on me. Even if I want to have sex with him and initiate it, it is always the exact same. He does kiss he, he doesn't touch me. He either tries to finger me right away (dry - I've told him enough times to wet his finger, but he never does), spread my legs and go down on me (for all of 7 seconds), or gets me to go down on him. Once he's had enough of that, he bends me over and pumps away at the same pace/motion until he ejaculates (quickly) onto my ***. The end. There is absolutely no pleasure or enjoyment for me. When I say that this is what happens, I mean EXACTLY - and for 8 years! That's how I lost my virginity to him. I have tried everything imaginable to make sex a mutual enjoyment, but he won't budge. I've even cried and told him how degraded, used, and hurt I feel. He apologizes and says it will change, so I let my guard down and try to be intimate with him again and literally the exact same thing happens again. I am to the point where I hate him, I hate the thought of sexuality, I hate people, I never want to be with anyone ever again, I don't want to be touched, and I refuse to ever trust anyone again. Wonderful, right? When I tell him how badly he has mind-f*cked me, he looks at me with a blank stare and says nothing. This is the same person who loves me "more than anything in the world" and "hates to see [me] upset". This is 8 years!!! I don't know, I don't even know what to say anymore, I don't know why I've written this long-*** post with my cell phone, especially when I already know what advice will be given to me. I've heard it all before. The problem is that I have no one; no one to talk to, no one to help me, no where to go. ... ****.
Run run run! Run away from him and don't look back!
I understand it is not that easy, but you are in an abusive relationship, in every way. He has controlled you into feeling that he is all you have, so it's harder for you to leave. Nothing would be sweeter than to prove him wrong.
I hope you get some help, you need it to sort through all of thesde emotions, to learn how to regain your self esteem and sense of self worth. You deserve SO much better.
I wish you the very best, and hope you find the courage to do what's right for you.
I understand it is not that easy, but you are in an abusive relationship, in every way. He has controlled you into feeling that he is all you have, so it's harder for you to leave. Nothing would be sweeter than to prove him wrong.
I hope you get some help, you need it to sort through all of thesde emotions, to learn how to regain your self esteem and sense of self worth. You deserve SO much better.
I wish you the very best, and hope you find the courage to do what's right for you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Thank you so much for taking all of our advice in the way it was intended, to help you. I think you are on the right tract. Perfect idea to connect with a therapist.
I'd also encourage you to begin reconnecting with family and friends. You shouldn't stay isolated. I think that you will soon learn that you are far less alone than you think and have more options that you see this minute.
and again, you appear to be very articulate and smart---- I have very high hopes that you have a happy life ahead of you. I can see that you want that and part of you realizes that it won't happen with your current boyfriend. It takes time to end something, I realize.
but these first steps you are taking are very important. I wish you luck and we are here any time you need us.
I'd also encourage you to begin reconnecting with family and friends. You shouldn't stay isolated. I think that you will soon learn that you are far less alone than you think and have more options that you see this minute.
and again, you appear to be very articulate and smart---- I have very high hopes that you have a happy life ahead of you. I can see that you want that and part of you realizes that it won't happen with your current boyfriend. It takes time to end something, I realize.
but these first steps you are taking are very important. I wish you luck and we are here any time you need us.
Wow, I really wasn't expecting this much support and so soon. I do appreicate each one of you taking your time to respond to my post with your wisdom and encouragement.
You're all very right, even RockRose lol I know that this is simply who he is and that he cannot change. Rather than knowing and accepting that fact long ago, I stayed and basically dug myself deeper into a hole. Like most in my situation, there is a part of me that thinks, "if he could change and be a contributing partner in this relationship, I could be happy". I know, wishful thinking.
I'm not going to pretend that I am going to pack my thing and leave this instant and I'm sure you all know that anyway. I am, however, going to make an appointment with a therapist who will be able to support me through this difficult time. I'm being honest when I say that I am kind of scared; my boyfriend is all I know, but I'm ready to start taking steps to get my life back and become independant.
Thank you again to everyone who read and responded to my post. I will definitely reread all of your comments if I start to feel hopeless again so they can remind me that what is happening is wrong and I'm the only one that can change it.
You're all very right, even RockRose lol I know that this is simply who he is and that he cannot change. Rather than knowing and accepting that fact long ago, I stayed and basically dug myself deeper into a hole. Like most in my situation, there is a part of me that thinks, "if he could change and be a contributing partner in this relationship, I could be happy". I know, wishful thinking.
I'm not going to pretend that I am going to pack my thing and leave this instant and I'm sure you all know that anyway. I am, however, going to make an appointment with a therapist who will be able to support me through this difficult time. I'm being honest when I say that I am kind of scared; my boyfriend is all I know, but I'm ready to start taking steps to get my life back and become independant.
Thank you again to everyone who read and responded to my post. I will definitely reread all of your comments if I start to feel hopeless again so they can remind me that what is happening is wrong and I'm the only one that can change it.
I know you may be thinking that Rockrose was a little hard on you. The truth is, she means well and you should really look into what she is saying.
Sometimes some men appear to be child like, they behave childish and so it is up to you to be the adult, sadly sometimes, the parent. If a child knows he can get away with something, he will forever do it. If a child develops a bad habit at a tender age and he/she is not corrected, they grow into those ways picking more bad habits as they go along. What Rockrose is saying, is that you have allowed the cunning child in your life, to grow into his bad ways by not correcting him or putting your foot down sooner into the relationship and now it is hurting you.
In my honest opinion, this says more about what you think of you and the activity that goes on in your head, than the actual unhealthy relationship. Many women are known to use excuses to continue holding onto a bad relationship:
1. I cannot start over, I am not willing to start over
2. He knows me and I know him, its going to be hell trying to find that again and I refuse to go through that long process one more time.
3. He loves me but he is having difficulty showing it.
Therefore, they over romanticize every ting detail of "near concern and love showing" and tell themselves it counts for the world when it doesn't. Often times they become so used to the misery that they only think of it when a new issue arises.
However, there are some who genuinely think they cannot do better. Its because they tell themselves, they simply do not deserve better. They take the negative criticism of their partner to heart and they become stagnant because they believe it is true so it becomes: "I am not worthy," "I won't be lucky enough to find a guy who will 'love' me" OR "If I leave him, who will I have?" and so they sit there.
In this case, it becomes a matter of changing the voices in your head and changing your outlook on you. Until you begin to think of yourself as 'worthy' and 'deserving', you will be sitting down for 8 add more years. If you develop this attitude where you give into what's 'right' about you rather than what's 'wrong' with you, then you will never invite another A-S-S into your life. Its up to you. Young and happy? Young and unhappy? The choice seems simple to me. Btw, staying by yourself without a relationship, is not a death sentence. You get time to deal with YOU, to fix YOU and make sure that the next time someone comes into your life, they are getting the best YOU that you can offer. The best you is a you that will be all the things a GOOD man requires while knowing all the while the difference between a GOOD man and an A-S-S.
xoxoxoxo Anna
Sometimes some men appear to be child like, they behave childish and so it is up to you to be the adult, sadly sometimes, the parent. If a child knows he can get away with something, he will forever do it. If a child develops a bad habit at a tender age and he/she is not corrected, they grow into those ways picking more bad habits as they go along. What Rockrose is saying, is that you have allowed the cunning child in your life, to grow into his bad ways by not correcting him or putting your foot down sooner into the relationship and now it is hurting you.
In my honest opinion, this says more about what you think of you and the activity that goes on in your head, than the actual unhealthy relationship. Many women are known to use excuses to continue holding onto a bad relationship:
1. I cannot start over, I am not willing to start over
2. He knows me and I know him, its going to be hell trying to find that again and I refuse to go through that long process one more time.
3. He loves me but he is having difficulty showing it.
Therefore, they over romanticize every ting detail of "near concern and love showing" and tell themselves it counts for the world when it doesn't. Often times they become so used to the misery that they only think of it when a new issue arises.
However, there are some who genuinely think they cannot do better. Its because they tell themselves, they simply do not deserve better. They take the negative criticism of their partner to heart and they become stagnant because they believe it is true so it becomes: "I am not worthy," "I won't be lucky enough to find a guy who will 'love' me" OR "If I leave him, who will I have?" and so they sit there.
In this case, it becomes a matter of changing the voices in your head and changing your outlook on you. Until you begin to think of yourself as 'worthy' and 'deserving', you will be sitting down for 8 add more years. If you develop this attitude where you give into what's 'right' about you rather than what's 'wrong' with you, then you will never invite another A-S-S into your life. Its up to you. Young and happy? Young and unhappy? The choice seems simple to me. Btw, staying by yourself without a relationship, is not a death sentence. You get time to deal with YOU, to fix YOU and make sure that the next time someone comes into your life, they are getting the best YOU that you can offer. The best you is a you that will be all the things a GOOD man requires while knowing all the while the difference between a GOOD man and an A-S-S.
xoxoxoxo Anna
COMMUNITY LEADER
Rockrose has a way of looking at things that cuts right through the minutia.
Her wisdom in this post is such that I would let it sink in.
You can get out. You are not stuck. You will have a growth curve as to how to live in a healthy way ahead of you-------- but you can do it.
Ask your parents for help even if it feels horrible to do so. All you need is to get things going and in no time, you will hopefully be independent of anyone that treats you like poop again.
Her wisdom in this post is such that I would let it sink in.
You can get out. You are not stuck. You will have a growth curve as to how to live in a healthy way ahead of you-------- but you can do it.
Ask your parents for help even if it feels horrible to do so. All you need is to get things going and in no time, you will hopefully be independent of anyone that treats you like poop again.
Bottomofthesea, you've got this completely turned around - he's learned a LOT, and you've learned nothing in this 8 years.
He's learned he can act anyway he wants, with no consequences whatsoever and still have you as an ever-increasingly loving girlfriend.
And you've learned nothing. You haven't learned that this is his personality and he's unwilling to change even the slightest bit in 8 years.
I wish you well.
He's learned he can act anyway he wants, with no consequences whatsoever and still have you as an ever-increasingly loving girlfriend.
And you've learned nothing. You haven't learned that this is his personality and he's unwilling to change even the slightest bit in 8 years.
I wish you well.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and especially given the fact that you do not have any other support. I am willing to bet that this is the reason why you have put up with 8 years of this. When there is no one else, that one person just seems so much better than being all alone, I completely understand.
If he hasn't changed over the course of 8 years, he either never will or is going to require 8 more years (if you are lucky) to grow up. I strongly advice against sitting around and waiting on that change. You are quite young and so I do not want you to waste your life waiting on a man to change himself. You are not perfect, but you have grown and developed and he is still at the same spot. It will take all of your energy, time and effort to drag him up to your level and sadly, your energy, time and efforts, may just be wasted.
I would suggest that you use your new found strength to grow even more and eventually find someone deserving of you. Someone that will love you and desire you and make love to you passionately, like a woman to be cherished not a blow up doll used for a quick c@%! Then you will find the beauty of sex and you will want to do it and feel good about it each time you remember, not cry afterwards. Please do not waste time trying to fix this man, it is not your duty. Your duty is to love and be loved. A very smart person on this very forum told me: Do not pick up stray cats and try to turn them into normal pets. No offense, but your man here is the stray cat, so let him run in the wild, do not get your hopes up that he sit and lap and chase mice for you.
xoxoxoxo Anna
If he hasn't changed over the course of 8 years, he either never will or is going to require 8 more years (if you are lucky) to grow up. I strongly advice against sitting around and waiting on that change. You are quite young and so I do not want you to waste your life waiting on a man to change himself. You are not perfect, but you have grown and developed and he is still at the same spot. It will take all of your energy, time and effort to drag him up to your level and sadly, your energy, time and efforts, may just be wasted.
I would suggest that you use your new found strength to grow even more and eventually find someone deserving of you. Someone that will love you and desire you and make love to you passionately, like a woman to be cherished not a blow up doll used for a quick c@%! Then you will find the beauty of sex and you will want to do it and feel good about it each time you remember, not cry afterwards. Please do not waste time trying to fix this man, it is not your duty. Your duty is to love and be loved. A very smart person on this very forum told me: Do not pick up stray cats and try to turn them into normal pets. No offense, but your man here is the stray cat, so let him run in the wild, do not get your hopes up that he sit and lap and chase mice for you.
xoxoxoxo Anna
specialmom is right. you need to get OUT. you've been in this dysfunctional relationship for so long you think it's normal. it is not normal. why have you tolerated it for so long? he forces himself on you? that my dear is sexual assault and he can be arrested and prosecuted for that. wow--!!
you need a therapist who can help you sort the reasons WHY you feel you needed to tolerate this stuff you've been tolerating. the therapist can help you restore your personal power so that you can stop accepting abuse.
you need a therapist who can help you sort the reasons WHY you feel you needed to tolerate this stuff you've been tolerating. the therapist can help you restore your personal power so that you can stop accepting abuse.
Ditto Londres and SpecialMom!!
I will add.
You couldn't sound unhappier. You said You only stay cuz You have no one. I'm sure You could find SOMEONE - Parents? Other Relatives? Friend(s) - whatever. I want to ask why You think being so miserably unhappy for 8 YEARS is better than being alone anyway?
I was 30 when I left my first husband after 15 YEARS of misery and unhappiness. At 38 I Married the Man who had been my Best Friend for 7 years!! (We were Falling in Love all those years and didn't know it!!) We've been married for almost 28 years now and I am STILL the Happiest Girl in the Whole USA!! If Life wasn't over for me at 38 - it DARN SURE ISN'T OVER FOR YOU - A 24 YEAR OLD GIRL!! Go be happy!!
I will add.
You couldn't sound unhappier. You said You only stay cuz You have no one. I'm sure You could find SOMEONE - Parents? Other Relatives? Friend(s) - whatever. I want to ask why You think being so miserably unhappy for 8 YEARS is better than being alone anyway?
I was 30 when I left my first husband after 15 YEARS of misery and unhappiness. At 38 I Married the Man who had been my Best Friend for 7 years!! (We were Falling in Love all those years and didn't know it!!) We've been married for almost 28 years now and I am STILL the Happiest Girl in the Whole USA!! If Life wasn't over for me at 38 - it DARN SURE ISN'T OVER FOR YOU - A 24 YEAR OLD GIRL!! Go be happy!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am in agreement with Londres, this is so very sad.
Hon, just because you have been with him a long time so far does NOT mean you should or have to be with him forever. You got together with him when you were so very young. And what appealed to you at that time is different than now.
And he isn't nice to you.
I am going to encourage you to want a happy life and to recognize that you won't have it with this guy. I'd cut my losses and start over. You are articulate, clearly smart. . . you have so much life ahead of you. You should be with someone that is wonderful to you. No man is perfect but when we make statements about getting used to our life always being miserable, that is just not the way it is supposed to be.
Is breaking up with him something you are considering? I think it should be in the front of your mind.
Now,when you have 'no one', let me say this--- this guy sounds like he created that for you. Don't ever allow this to happen to you again. I think you can call your mom and dad and tell them that this is awful, you don't know how you got her, you are sorry and you want out. Ask them for help. I am sure they wil help you.
And things that seem impossible sometimes seem that way because we have a mental block. You need to remove the mental block and put together a plan. The other person you have? Yourself. I don't see you as a person not capable of taking are of yourself . . . you 've got a good mind. You are going to be OK!
Think about where you can go first. That is the first step.
You gotta get out of this unhappy life.
Hon, just because you have been with him a long time so far does NOT mean you should or have to be with him forever. You got together with him when you were so very young. And what appealed to you at that time is different than now.
And he isn't nice to you.
I am going to encourage you to want a happy life and to recognize that you won't have it with this guy. I'd cut my losses and start over. You are articulate, clearly smart. . . you have so much life ahead of you. You should be with someone that is wonderful to you. No man is perfect but when we make statements about getting used to our life always being miserable, that is just not the way it is supposed to be.
Is breaking up with him something you are considering? I think it should be in the front of your mind.
Now,when you have 'no one', let me say this--- this guy sounds like he created that for you. Don't ever allow this to happen to you again. I think you can call your mom and dad and tell them that this is awful, you don't know how you got her, you are sorry and you want out. Ask them for help. I am sure they wil help you.
And things that seem impossible sometimes seem that way because we have a mental block. You need to remove the mental block and put together a plan. The other person you have? Yourself. I don't see you as a person not capable of taking are of yourself . . . you 've got a good mind. You are going to be OK!
Think about where you can go first. That is the first step.
You gotta get out of this unhappy life.
This an awful sad life for a woman so young.
Your statement....."The problem is that I have no one; no one to talk to, no one to help me, no where to go. ... ****." You have no family or friends for support? Do you work or go to school or is this "bf" taking care of you financially?
Did this guy drive a wedge between you and your family/friends?
There are several issues going on in this relationship and they are all serious.
Your statement...."This is 8 years!!! I don't know, I don't even know what to say anymore, I don't know why I've written this long-*** post with my cell phone, especially when I already know what advice will be given to me. I've heard it all before." Well, of course anyone rational will tell you to leave this guy because it is apparent he has completely drained you in every way. If you have "heard it all before" then why do you choose to stay in the same situation and live miserably like this? Do you want to change your situation or are you just venting about your situation?
Your statement....."The problem is that I have no one; no one to talk to, no one to help me, no where to go. ... ****." You have no family or friends for support? Do you work or go to school or is this "bf" taking care of you financially?
Did this guy drive a wedge between you and your family/friends?
There are several issues going on in this relationship and they are all serious.
Your statement...."This is 8 years!!! I don't know, I don't even know what to say anymore, I don't know why I've written this long-*** post with my cell phone, especially when I already know what advice will be given to me. I've heard it all before." Well, of course anyone rational will tell you to leave this guy because it is apparent he has completely drained you in every way. If you have "heard it all before" then why do you choose to stay in the same situation and live miserably like this? Do you want to change your situation or are you just venting about your situation?
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