Aa
I have bpd and need help.... i have a few relationship questions.
To be honest it's a pretty difficult situation and a very hard thing to explain but I'll try my best to explain and i hope to get a lot of answers.
So 2 years ago before i had anxiety or anything like that, before my first panic attack and before i was mentally ill, I was with my boyfriend who I am still with now. When we first met we liked eachother and started talking on the phone all night that type of thing, so after about maybe a week or two of actually dating he would say some things that really bothered me such as "you have a big nose" "you have a beer belly" "your teeth are too small" um he would go to the store get me say.... a bag of "hot cheetohs" use that against me, saying well i did this for you , he in my opinion was emotionally abusive, we were together for about 6 - 7 months, until i broke it off , because i got accused of having sex with other guys which was totally and completely false, he would always make little rude remarks, and could never apologize, without a "but, well you did this" or without trying to justify himself.
So after i broke up with him about 2-3 months later idk maybe a little sooner or longer then that i started having panic attacks, and that's when everything started to turn bad, and it didn't make sense to me because i thought i was fine, i was abused as a child, my sisters were molested by there father, my moms husband tried to kill me, i used to be with a heroin addict "which i did not know of" and i used to be able to just let that stuff slide, and then i slipped fell off the deep end. Those things were all i could think about, i started having really weird thoughts, and scary thoughts,and i would always think the worst of everything and every situation. At first it was anxiety which turned into gad which turned into depression which turned into depersonalization disorder, which then turned into bi-polar" so they thought"
But a couple months ago i got my diagnosis which was borderline personality disorder. So while i was going through all of the ups and downs of what they thought i had and medication trials and **** up's i reached out to him again, he came and saved me from my dads house, because i hate him, and he knew that and he was there for me everyday i mean 'EVERYDAY' NO MATTER WHAT, without any questions, and without giving me any feelings of guilt. For a while we were friends and then it turned into well should we be together because he made me feel safe and i fell in love, and to me he had changed so much without question.
So we stayed at my moms for a little then we decided to get an apartment because there was too much abuse going on at my moms house, well he backed out on the apartment at first which really hurt me. But we did end up getting one together, so we've lived together for about a year now. And now everything is coming back, everything is my fault if i go out, if he goes through my phone and sees I'm talking to other guys, if i wear lotion, if i get dressed up, if i don't turn a light off? I mean and it doesn't just stop at that. When we fight , he doesn't stop i will cry for three days at a time get sick and go throw up , still doesn't stop. He knows how sensitive i am knows of my bpd and says that he "doesn't know what he says hurts me" or he didn't know back then , and whatever. He will say the meanest things, one night while i was suicidal and he knew of this he told me "i should want to kill myself" he has not only said that. But a bunch of other things, he will look up my illness and use every single part of it against me. He will be like "see you do this , you do this" And i admit yes, he has went through my phone before and found some stuff from other guys and that I've sent to them. But for this reason, he went through my phone once last new years and didn't find anything i told him if you ever invade my privacy again i can guarantee you there will be something to find.
I do not like people going through my things especially when he treats me the way he does and thinks that it's OK . Well i just want to know from a woman's perspective what does this all sound like? I mean am i the bad guy, for talking to other guys, or do you think he has pushed me to this point? And he will go on my facebook, and through my phone. He says so many mean things to me that i can't even think of i mean even infront of my 4 year old sister, who i am very protective of and he knows this. But he will say like i have sex infront of her "which is not true" say that i talk to other guys infront of her. He just seems to be emotionally abusive, is it just me or does it sound like it? I need help because he thinks he does nothing wrong and if he does he can excuse it because i talk to other guys. And i deserve to get talk to and treated like that, and it's all because i have borderline personality disorder. ????? He says "people with borderline always blame others" blah blah? i don't know what to do here.
So 2 years ago before i had anxiety or anything like that, before my first panic attack and before i was mentally ill, I was with my boyfriend who I am still with now. When we first met we liked eachother and started talking on the phone all night that type of thing, so after about maybe a week or two of actually dating he would say some things that really bothered me such as "you have a big nose" "you have a beer belly" "your teeth are too small" um he would go to the store get me say.... a bag of "hot cheetohs" use that against me, saying well i did this for you , he in my opinion was emotionally abusive, we were together for about 6 - 7 months, until i broke it off , because i got accused of having sex with other guys which was totally and completely false, he would always make little rude remarks, and could never apologize, without a "but, well you did this" or without trying to justify himself.
So after i broke up with him about 2-3 months later idk maybe a little sooner or longer then that i started having panic attacks, and that's when everything started to turn bad, and it didn't make sense to me because i thought i was fine, i was abused as a child, my sisters were molested by there father, my moms husband tried to kill me, i used to be with a heroin addict "which i did not know of" and i used to be able to just let that stuff slide, and then i slipped fell off the deep end. Those things were all i could think about, i started having really weird thoughts, and scary thoughts,and i would always think the worst of everything and every situation. At first it was anxiety which turned into gad which turned into depression which turned into depersonalization disorder, which then turned into bi-polar" so they thought"
But a couple months ago i got my diagnosis which was borderline personality disorder. So while i was going through all of the ups and downs of what they thought i had and medication trials and **** up's i reached out to him again, he came and saved me from my dads house, because i hate him, and he knew that and he was there for me everyday i mean 'EVERYDAY' NO MATTER WHAT, without any questions, and without giving me any feelings of guilt. For a while we were friends and then it turned into well should we be together because he made me feel safe and i fell in love, and to me he had changed so much without question.
So we stayed at my moms for a little then we decided to get an apartment because there was too much abuse going on at my moms house, well he backed out on the apartment at first which really hurt me. But we did end up getting one together, so we've lived together for about a year now. And now everything is coming back, everything is my fault if i go out, if he goes through my phone and sees I'm talking to other guys, if i wear lotion, if i get dressed up, if i don't turn a light off? I mean and it doesn't just stop at that. When we fight , he doesn't stop i will cry for three days at a time get sick and go throw up , still doesn't stop. He knows how sensitive i am knows of my bpd and says that he "doesn't know what he says hurts me" or he didn't know back then , and whatever. He will say the meanest things, one night while i was suicidal and he knew of this he told me "i should want to kill myself" he has not only said that. But a bunch of other things, he will look up my illness and use every single part of it against me. He will be like "see you do this , you do this" And i admit yes, he has went through my phone before and found some stuff from other guys and that I've sent to them. But for this reason, he went through my phone once last new years and didn't find anything i told him if you ever invade my privacy again i can guarantee you there will be something to find.
I do not like people going through my things especially when he treats me the way he does and thinks that it's OK . Well i just want to know from a woman's perspective what does this all sound like? I mean am i the bad guy, for talking to other guys, or do you think he has pushed me to this point? And he will go on my facebook, and through my phone. He says so many mean things to me that i can't even think of i mean even infront of my 4 year old sister, who i am very protective of and he knows this. But he will say like i have sex infront of her "which is not true" say that i talk to other guys infront of her. He just seems to be emotionally abusive, is it just me or does it sound like it? I need help because he thinks he does nothing wrong and if he does he can excuse it because i talk to other guys. And i deserve to get talk to and treated like that, and it's all because i have borderline personality disorder. ????? He says "people with borderline always blame others" blah blah? i don't know what to do here.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, in reading your post------------- I will say thank you for all of the details. That is very helpful.
In regard to your mental healthy, I want you to know that it is imperative that you stay on top of this and keep all psych appointments. Take any medication prescribed as prescribed. Keep balance in your life through working out, eating right and enjoying your extra hobbies. Keep a journal of emotions and thoughts you are having. Make sure you are seeing a talk therapist/psychologist to work on how your past may be affecting now. All of this helps your stability and is an important part of your being happy in any relationship.
Now, to me-------- your story sounds like you needed your boyfriend to 'rescue' you. Your goal would be to become an independent woman either by education (college coursework or job training) or advancing in your career. You shouldn't have to live with a man and if part of the reason you do is to help you live------ this will make the relationship unbalanced. You need to be a woman that 'could' be independent if you wanted. (as in---- you couldn't leave your dad's without him---------- why? as in----- you then lived with your mother and hm and this is the person that brought a man into your life that tried to kill you and another man that tried to molest his children--------- why?) You need to gain the ability to be independent overall.
Then once you have that, you can make the choice of what man you want to be with. He sounds like he started off this go round really trying but somehow is now putting you down. No. I wouldn't live with anyone that jeopardize my mental health. You really shouldn't do that.
But----- I don't know what you mean by "am I bad for talking to other guys"? If you are flirtatious or they are guys that want to date you and you are in a relationship where the intention is to faithful----- then YES, this is the wrong thing to do. Especially if you are doing it to pay him back or make him suffer. This will get you no where.
Another response to his going through your phone could have been "that hurts me that you still don't trust me. What do I need to do for you to trust me? Haven't I done enough yet?" verses "next time I'll give you something to find". That is vindictive and counterproductive.
So, if this relationship is over and you are looking for other guys, you have to move out of the apartment you share with him. Back to your gaining independence.
Don't create drama in your life especially when your background had a lot in it. Find stable people to be with and break any patterns that are holding you back. good luck
In regard to your mental healthy, I want you to know that it is imperative that you stay on top of this and keep all psych appointments. Take any medication prescribed as prescribed. Keep balance in your life through working out, eating right and enjoying your extra hobbies. Keep a journal of emotions and thoughts you are having. Make sure you are seeing a talk therapist/psychologist to work on how your past may be affecting now. All of this helps your stability and is an important part of your being happy in any relationship.
Now, to me-------- your story sounds like you needed your boyfriend to 'rescue' you. Your goal would be to become an independent woman either by education (college coursework or job training) or advancing in your career. You shouldn't have to live with a man and if part of the reason you do is to help you live------ this will make the relationship unbalanced. You need to be a woman that 'could' be independent if you wanted. (as in---- you couldn't leave your dad's without him---------- why? as in----- you then lived with your mother and hm and this is the person that brought a man into your life that tried to kill you and another man that tried to molest his children--------- why?) You need to gain the ability to be independent overall.
Then once you have that, you can make the choice of what man you want to be with. He sounds like he started off this go round really trying but somehow is now putting you down. No. I wouldn't live with anyone that jeopardize my mental health. You really shouldn't do that.
But----- I don't know what you mean by "am I bad for talking to other guys"? If you are flirtatious or they are guys that want to date you and you are in a relationship where the intention is to faithful----- then YES, this is the wrong thing to do. Especially if you are doing it to pay him back or make him suffer. This will get you no where.
Another response to his going through your phone could have been "that hurts me that you still don't trust me. What do I need to do for you to trust me? Haven't I done enough yet?" verses "next time I'll give you something to find". That is vindictive and counterproductive.
So, if this relationship is over and you are looking for other guys, you have to move out of the apartment you share with him. Back to your gaining independence.
Don't create drama in your life especially when your background had a lot in it. Find stable people to be with and break any patterns that are holding you back. good luck
Yeah i totally understand where your coming from. The "other guy" thing i guess i didn't explain so well . It started after he was treating me very badly. And i was at my fathers house who never was in my life and started being mean to me, so i called my boyfriend "who wasn't my boyfriend at the time" and just asked him to come get me from my dads because he lived far. Not like a running away thing , it was because he would say mean things to me also and i wasn't mentally healthy enough to be brought down, and i knew that. So my boyfriend started bringing me up until we moved in together then has started putting me down again. So when i do the whole " what do i need to do to make you trust me " he will step up as if i'm his slave and make a list . Pretty much saying everything is my fault and he doesn't need to work on anything. And he has every right to treat me how he does. I just don't feel in my own heart that it is ok.
I think that if any woman who got treated that way would kind of feel trapped, and want to talk to other guys because when your sick and someone who "loves" you knows that, then they should be a little more understanding rather then abusive and the other guy thing would come up. But when i feel how i feel and i'm treated how i'm treated i just feel, like i deserve someone who would treat me with respect and some unselfishness. Because i already by myself and very selfless i just asked to be treated right.
COMMUNITY LEADER
See, here is where you are wrong though. My first inclination when someone is treating me bad isn't to 'talk to other guys'. This is where a strong woman says "I don't need a man to treat me badly" and leaves them. And then an independent woman takes some time to work on themselves-------- building 'themselves' up (without the outside help from a guy). Your dependent on men for your band aid to feel better.
I have had a guy or two be jerks to me consistently. I didn't solve the problem by 'talking to other guys' to build me up. I left the guy, got in a 'good' place for myself and then worked on finding a better partner.
You, of course, deserve someone that treats you with respect but overlapping guys won't get you there. If you feel it is hopeless with your live in boyfriend-------- move out. Move in with a good girlfriend or find something you can afford on your own. Start building your life and who you are without needing the attention of men to feel good.
Don't get me wrong, we all like that. But it can become a crutch and especially when someone has had some of the things that you describe from your early years with what you experienced or witnessed.
I'll be honest, I'd work on stability with the mental health issues over and above anything else. If you could get in a good place with that------ it would be better for dating and such.
But if this current relationship is one in which you feel compromised---- end it.
Last thing------- if my husband gets mad at me because I'm a b*&#!----- that is no excuse for 'other girls' to come into the picture. Commitment is commitment----- no matter what. End it if you are dissatisfied. good luck
I have had a guy or two be jerks to me consistently. I didn't solve the problem by 'talking to other guys' to build me up. I left the guy, got in a 'good' place for myself and then worked on finding a better partner.
You, of course, deserve someone that treats you with respect but overlapping guys won't get you there. If you feel it is hopeless with your live in boyfriend-------- move out. Move in with a good girlfriend or find something you can afford on your own. Start building your life and who you are without needing the attention of men to feel good.
Don't get me wrong, we all like that. But it can become a crutch and especially when someone has had some of the things that you describe from your early years with what you experienced or witnessed.
I'll be honest, I'd work on stability with the mental health issues over and above anything else. If you could get in a good place with that------ it would be better for dating and such.
But if this current relationship is one in which you feel compromised---- end it.
Last thing------- if my husband gets mad at me because I'm a b*&#!----- that is no excuse for 'other girls' to come into the picture. Commitment is commitment----- no matter what. End it if you are dissatisfied. good luck
Oh yeah i get that part totally, i know what you mean it's diffidently something i need to work on especially with having borderline a lone with all of the mess it's a million times as hard to be a lone. But it is something i will work on. I work on myself everyday, but i know a lone it would be a lot different. Thank you for your help. and it's true i am very co dependent. Especially at my worst. Thank you for your honesty and being up front .
Sorry for all that you've been through. I know it's got to be tough to have all of that on your plate.
As many problems as you think you have, your boyfriend seems to have just as many. While you are getting help (are you taking meds? I may have missed that.) he is doing the opposite.
Part of him rescuing you should be him being on board with the program and helping you reach your goals. I didn't hear any of that, in fact I heard everything to the contrary.
For you.... you need to keep all of your appointments with your therapist. You need to work on and address all of your issues. You need to put you first right now. In my opinion, you are putting him first. It is time for you to find your identity and be less needy. You can do this through therapy.
Please keep your appointments and take care of you. Reevaluate this relationship, sooner rather than later, and be prepared to move on.
As many problems as you think you have, your boyfriend seems to have just as many. While you are getting help (are you taking meds? I may have missed that.) he is doing the opposite.
Part of him rescuing you should be him being on board with the program and helping you reach your goals. I didn't hear any of that, in fact I heard everything to the contrary.
For you.... you need to keep all of your appointments with your therapist. You need to work on and address all of your issues. You need to put you first right now. In my opinion, you are putting him first. It is time for you to find your identity and be less needy. You can do this through therapy.
Please keep your appointments and take care of you. Reevaluate this relationship, sooner rather than later, and be prepared to move on.
Yes it is really tough, and i think you are right about that i think he does also but he just can take all of his out on me? i don't know... how he knows how to get to me so badly. Yes i take medication effexor klonopin and i also have hypothyroidism so i take levothyroxine, i go to therapy and i do behavioral therapy i read the book new chapters everyday of women who love too much, and i journal all the time, so i really work on myself every day to the best extent that i can. Yeah theres been many times i get out my work book to read it too him and he falls asleep or he's doing his homework and doesnt have time for it, or he'll say read it and i'll listen, and i'm just like forget it. Because honestly sometimes i think the more information he knows about my illness the more it will be used against me, thankyou for your advice i know i need to put myself first , and i will work on that everyday.
I honestly think he is mentally worsening you! Please do something, I hate seeing people fall apart like this. I watch my best friend everyday fall apart, but she is a strong woman and she listens to my advice. Another thing I forgot to add. After you have found yourself, and are living in a better situation and have your disorder under control... if you ever meet a nice man, your probably going to feel weird at first that he treats you right and become bored because of less arguments, and you may want to find that you want to start arguments. Take it from my experience and my best friends experience. Especially my best friend. She cannot and will not date a genuine guy, because she actually finds it weird that he treats her right because she is used to be treated like crap all her life. I tell her all the time she needs to ignore it, that's what I did, but it was easier for me because I came from a stable home. Please ignore this weird feeling and get past it when the moment happens.
Wow you have awesome advice thankyou so much for helping it has just made me feel entirely 100 percent better then how i felt when i got up this morning. And you are really really smart so much of what you've said reminds me of what my therapist has sort of told me. Thank you so much for your advice and i will start taking these steps asap.
Hello,
Just wanted to check on the poster! I realize this is an older post... hope all is well!
Krystal
Just wanted to check on the poster! I realize this is an older post... hope all is well!
Krystal
This may sound like a cynical question, but please realize I am coming from a place of being with an ex with BPD who used to go out dancing alone and cheat on me when angry that I went out with friends for tea... and then blame me for being controlling AFTER I found this out and began to say I was no longer comfortable with her going out dancing by herself.I suppose what I want to ask you is, which came first, the chicken or the egg. Becuase, you have said you were talking to other guys and he found something on your phone. I would imagine you were acting strangely for him to have checked, and maybe he had a strong instinct something was wrong. It doesn't mean checking someone's phone is the right thing to do, but maybe he didnt trust you to give him the truth. So, anyhow, you mentioned that this happened, and that he doesn't trust you now. If you did something untrustworthy to start this ball rolling, then I think you need to really own it and work to earn his trust back instead of turning it around and saying he's terrible for not trusting you, and asking if you are being the bad guy or if he drove you to this? Nobody drives you to cheat, or be inappropriate in a relationship. Staying and lying to someone is the worst thing you can do to someone's ability to trust. I can say from experience that I have always trusted my partners.... except one... and there was a reason for that. So, I am just asking you to think back honestly and figure out what really got this ball rolling. I know that my BPD ex has things backwards... she told herself that I drove her to cheat by being jealous and insecure.... which I only became after I found out she cheated on me twice. It was amazing to me how she could do that; cheat while she had my full and complete trust and devotion (and when I treated her super well) and then after I reacted to her cheating being able to say "see, this is why I did it". In her mind, she managed to put the cart before the horse. Is it possible that you really hurt him? Is it possible that he feels abused by the lying and sneaking around that happened with this other guy on your phone?
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
I think you need to take immediate action, even if it is just thinking for now. Think about moving out with a good friend, not back into you abusive home. Or even live on your own. If you don't have a job, there is welfare... we pay taxes for that. Look into it, there is many options you can do. I strongly suggest you leave your boyfriend and you work on yourself, and surround yourself with close friends. And don't enter another relationship, until you are confident that you are somewhat stable. Don't let other men see your insecurities, because that will only attract insecure boyfriends. My dad always says this quote to me: You are a product of your environment.