I’m failing at relationships. Need guidance and advice

[younglady1981]

Hello everyone, I’m here because I’m struggling with a issue and I need some input and clarity. Please give me your honest opinion. What do you think I did wrong? I know this is a long message , but I appreciate if you could read it and respond.  

’m feeling like a constant failure with dating and relationships. I need help and guidance.
About me, I’m 32 and I have no kids, never married. I think that I am a good person. I’m extremely loyal to friends and in relationships. I have never cheated on anyone in my life.  I have good morals and values. I have a good sense of humor, I love to laugh and have fun. I’m a hard worker, graduated from graduate school 2 times. I am very attractive and I take care of my body.  I'm very giving, supportive, forgiving, and very affectionate.  I was in a relationship for 7 years, but it didn’t work out. Despite that my ex of 7 years and I are great friends, and I have been in love and I know what it feels like to be in love and have a good man that treats me well. We broke up in 2007 so I’ve been single, yet dating for many years.

I’m 32 now, and still single. I’ve been single since 2007 and dating in this day is hard. Why is that? I look for guys similar to me with similar life styles. I like educated, hardworking men, with no kids. I don’t date bad boys. But obviously I’m still choosing men that I am incapable with. The guys i date turn out to be jerks.

I met a guy a few years ago, and we dated for a few months back in 2009-2010. Back then he was 29, a virgin, masters degree, never had a girl friend. I liked him, but he was highly defensive, could not take a joke, and didn’t communicate well with me. He didn’t have many close friends.  I thought that his communication skills were influenced by his family because his family is from another continent, but they moved to the US before he was born.  He never told me how he felt about me. But he continued to invite me on dates and I enjoyed being around him. We had chemistry. It just wasn’t going anywhere. Plus we lived 1.5 hours away from each other.  We stopped dating. So in June of 2013, I reconnected with him at a party. He was so happy to see me and vice versa. The chemistry was strong. We couldn’t stop hugging each other. It felt so good to see him. We started dating again.  
So everything was going fine the first month.  He and I now lived 1 hour away from each other. We would take turns driving to see each other. And we went on two dates a week. I had no problem driving to him, but he never seemed too excited about driving to me. He always complained about putting miles on his car, etc.  But I continued to drive to see him once or twice a week.  Gas is expensive, but I never complained! Him and I began sleeping together.
So I thought things were fine.

Then oneday, he asked me “why do you like me?”. I told him that he was a good person and I enjoyed being around him”. I was being sincere.  I then asked him the same…. He replied by saying that we needed to discuss me and my personality. He said that in order for me to be with him I would have to change my personality. I was confused!  He’s know me for years, and im the same person from years before. I’m always myself so there wasn’t a surprise. I asked him to clarify what was wrong with me and my personality….He then told me that I expected him to do too much.  He didn’t appreciate having to open doors for me or carrying grocery bags.  He then went on to say that we are 50/50 and I should pay my own way on dates. I was so confused because I didn’t know there was a problem. When he and I went on dates, the dates were not expensive. I never ordered expensive meals on a date and I don’t eat much. He would spend 10 or 12 dollars on me once or twice a week.  I honestly was offended by the conversation. I drive 46 miles on a round trip to see him, but I’m not good enough to eat a 10 dollar dinner. He and I began to argue! I was insulted! I am use to being treated like a lady, and I am a good woman. I need a gentleman and a chivalrous man. I’ve never been a gold-digger, but that’s how he made me feel. I never asked him for anything in my life! We stopped talking for about a week. I was sad. Him and I had been having sex, and I got attached to him. I really cared about him.

So I began sending him text messages, but he ignored me. I told him how I felt about him, but he ignored me for a week. I felt so used and abandoned. After a week, he told me that the silent treatment would be good for us. Then he told me that I needed to become humble to be with him. He never communicated with me….He doesn’t express himself well.  I just thought he was shy. He had no emotions, but he was so affectionate.

Him and I made up, and went 2 more months seeing each other. The last time I saw him we were fine I thought. I paid for the whole date and I didn’t know we were still having problems.

Then the next day, I asked him did he see me in his future. Out of nowhere “he said no”. I asked why he didn’t share this news with me sooner. He couldn’t not explain, he had nothing to say. After 30 minutes all he could say is that he was confused. He said he wanted to be with me last week, but this week he didn’t feel the same. He said we have nothing in common.  I was shocked and humiliated. If he had a change of heart he should have told me instead of stringing me along and having sex with me. I thought we were doing ok, so I feel betrayed and used. He didn’t seem to care. He had nothing to say. At the end of the convo He said can we be friends, but I said no! I hung up and never called him back again. I deleted and blocked him on all social networking sites and I deleted his number,

Did he ever care about me? I’m still hurt, but I’ve been on 5 dates so far and I’m moving on with my life. Im not trying to rebound, but I just want to move on with life. I was celibate for 2 years before sleeping with this guy… I don’t ever have sex that fast, but I trusted him….. I made a mistake.  I thought he was different.
I need some input and clarity.

Please give me your honest opinion.

What do you think I did wrong? I'm 32, and im too old to still be making mistakes. I need help choosing men.
I’ve been crying all day.

[Londres70]

"I have a problem with ignoring negative and seeking positive aspects.  How can i change this thinking?"...........Well, do this......ask yourself is this man going to bring or is he bringing anything positive into my life?  How do I feel with this man, i.e. bad, sad, happy, confused, upset, etc.?  Is this man's lifestyle compatible with mine?  Is he doing things you would never think of doing or say?  Does he have similar hobbies and interests?

Basically.....how are you feeling when you are with this person.  If you are feeling negative and down, confused, etc. around him then he is NOT the one for you.  

And don't SLEEP with him until all is crystal clear about him and where the relationship is going.  Sex only complicates things.

[RockRose]

I think you're already well on the way to changing this thinking because you recognize it.

I think you've moved beyond the statement that I'm looking for the positive in people to realizing it's a choice to ignore the negative so you don't have to react to it.

Best wishes.

[younglady1981]

I meant that I’m "always" looking for the positive in people.....  I have a problem with ignoring negative and seeking positive aspects.  How can i change this thinking?

[younglady1981]

Hi everyone, I really appreciate your replies to my situation. When I take the time to type messages like this and when I read your replies, it really helps me to analyze the situation better and to heal. So I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

To answer so of the questions, about my previous relationships…..the guy I was with for 7 years is a good guy. Ive know him since i was 18 years old. We dated from the age of 20-27ish. He took good care of me, always treated me well, always took me out on dates, opened doors, lots of chivalry, presents, called me every day, etc.  But him and I grew apart. We both were working non-stop and full time students.  We just got tired of each other. So we stopped talking for 1 year. He came back into my life platonically. He would take me out and we still go out once or twice a month as friends. I just don’t find him attractive anymore. But he wants to get back together now…I’m not interested anymore. I know it sounds bad, but im just not interested. So he is nothing like the guy I just broke up with.

The last two guys that I dated all lasted 3 or 4 months. I realized that I messed because I didn’t ask these 2 guys about their short and long term relationship goals. I was naive and just assumed that they like me because they came on strong and plus i started getting lonely.  Plus I was super attracted to the last 2 guys.  It’s hard to admit, but I fell for games and got used. The next guy that I date, I will make sure that he is looking for a relationship, and I will thoroughly take time and get to know him. I cant let my hormones get in the way!

I was afraid to ask the guy if he wanted a relationship. I assumed that he liked me. I had already slept with him, so I didn’t want to be disappointed. I thought that he would eventually become attached to me.I thought that his shyness kept him from expressing his feelings.  I was wrong.  I was celibate for 2 years, and wasted that on a person that didn’t care about me. I told him repeatedly that I wanted a relationship. So he did know my intents and feelings for him. I just didn’t want to be pushy and scare him away.

I was being naive about his social difficulties…. I know. He doesn’t have any close friendships.  He is not close to his family. He constantly complains about people in the work place. He noticed everything negative about me and never said anything positive. I see it now. I normally have high self esteem….I don’t understand why I let a person mistreat me.  When we reconnected he swore that he changed and was mature with experience, etc….  I don’t know what I was thinking.

I will write a list of the qualities in the last few guys that I dated, and I will post it tomorrow.

I don’t understand why I chose to ignore red flags…. I’m also looking for the positive in people, and ive been hurt every time. I have to get smarter!

[RockRose]

I agree with the others,  but I think you should rearrange your priorities in what you want to find.

A man your age - 32 - who has never been married and has no children has kind of missed that boat,  in my opinion.  There are probably lots of great ones out there in that situation, but that's also an indicator of a man who doesn't want or isn't capable of a deep committed relationship.

For this guy you last dated to get to 29 and still be a virgin - that's a problem.  That's an indicator of a man who has some social difficulties,  IMHO.

I think if you open your eyes to a man who has been married before and might have a child or two you may find a real gem.  Looking for a man who is still waiting to begin commitments is where you'll find guys like the last one.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the above replies.

I think this guy sounds like a class A jerk and you should be counting your lucky stars that you're free of him.  I think it won't take you very long to realize that, which will help you to feel better about the whole situation.

There's lots of good guys out there, and yes, it's not easy to find them, but you will.  You sound like the whole "package".  Some great guy is going to come along, snatch you up and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Leave this guy in the dust, lose his number, just be done.  He doesn't deserve one second more of your time and energy.

Good luck to you!

[ROSYouralright]

Wow! You already received EXCELLENT advice! Hind sight is 20/20 and all the signs were there! Sounds like its his problem and not yours! God has the perfect one for you! It will all work out!

[Londres70]

May I ask why did the 7 year relationship end and do most of your relationships have the same dynamics as this last one?

I must say with this last relationship you didn't heed to the red flags at all and proceeded as it is clear he didn't want a relationship.

[thatquietgirl]

Firstly, I'm sorry you encountered such a jerk!  I could use many other words to describe his level of scum, but I'm sure you've thought them all at some point, and Medhelp will filter anyway.

Secondly, I'm sorry you're feeling so horribly, but I want you to know that things can and will get better.  If you analyze this relationship (maybe even the 7-year relationship, too, as well as other times you've seen someone longer than a date or two) and look for times you could have done something different, you can establish what your pattern is and look out for the guy that falls into categories of bad traits of those people before you're blindsided.

Thirdly, I'm going to answer your question about whether he cared and such and point out some things that were red flags.  My intent is to help you recognize some situations, not to make you feel bad.  This guy is the piece of work here.

It doesn't sound like he cared at all.  Knowing how he was before (couldn't take a joke, didn't communicate well with you) should have told you going into another relationship with him was a bad idea.  People change, yes, but a friendship and taking it really slow would have probably been better just to make sure.  But that's done and over with.  There were at least three red flags since the getting back together that would have sent me going the other way at the very least by the time of the conversation before your break:

- Complaints about holding a door open or carrying grocery bags.  I would assume you're like most people and would hold the door for the next person if they were right behind you and would help carry grocery bags, so hey, why the heck is he complaining?

- Complaints about driving down to see you to split the fuel/mileage.  He obviously was looking at his own pocket book and not taking you and your finances into consideration.

- Complaining about spending $10 twice a week for you when you were spending at least half a tank's worth of gas (if not more) to see him a week.  I'd say that was probably 60/40 or 70/30 in favor of you spending more as far as the relationship went.  Probably closer 85/15 as far as the relationship unfinancially-related since you came all the way out and gave the relationship your all.  I really wonder why you didn't ask what he wanted from a relationship when you got back together after that argument.  Were you afraid?

He laid it out from the beginning that he wasn't super invested.  It sounds like it was a matter of convenience for him.  He knew you already, had dated, and hey, you were willing to do the work.

Walk away from this with the knowledge:

- The hard questions are important and vital. Had you asked before getting into the second relationship with him or after the break or ironed out the issues and made it clear what you wanted at that time, things probably still would have ended but you would have at least had your answer.

- Making the guy do some of the work is very important.  Letting the guy make some of the calls, plan some of the dates, and reach out to you is a very good way to see if the guy's really interested and makes them feel good.  My boyfriend of 4 years told me when we got back together after a very brief break that he feels me not really letting him do the "chase"--it was more 50/50--was one of the reasons he had got around to taking me for granted so much as he had.

- Pay attention to the things the guy says and does.  Don't overanalyze what a guy says as they're usually quite clear.  But this guy: Didn't bother to really speak, complained about things that were quite commonplace and really not bothersome for anyone, didn't make very much effort.  He was very clear on what he wanted.

Please don't let this get you down.  Keep your head high!  You deserve better, and you realize this.  Just use this as an opportunity to analyze and learn from your mistakes this relationship and start asking some hard questions.  What someone wants from a relationship is going to be a key piece of knowledge.  How many dates in you start asking is going to depend on your comfort level.  You just want to be careful not to make the guy feel like you're wanting a white picket fence and two kids pronto.

What is your ultimate goal with a relationship?  Marriage?  A life-long commitment without the legal bind of marriage?  To have a good time?

If you find the answer a guy gives ambiguous or it doesn't match with that desire, then chalk the time spent to experience and a good time and move on.

A good way to find your pattern:

Write a list of the qualities in the guys you liked the past few times.  Make a list of things you didn't like about them or that stuck out to you about them.  Where are the similarities?  Especially in that second list?  Look out for someone who falls into qualities on that second list too often and get away.

Good luck!  You will find someone.