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Is Sex a Huge Issue?
I'm sure this question has been asked a million and one times but is sex such a huge issue in a relationship? I know it's definitely important and I know as a couple to feel the intimacy and closeness it's extremely important but when does it become such an issue where it feels more like an obligation than pleasure? The reason I ask this is because it's become a huge area of contemptment in my relationship. I have been feeling pressured to have sex. It isn't necessarily my fiance forcing himself on me but the frequency in times he wants to have sex, outnumbers my desire to want to have sex. I am exhausted, I get up to go to work 3 days a week and when I come home I cook dinner and take care of our 2 1/2 year old. On days I don't work, I'm much more inclined to want to be intimate and even on the nights where I know I don't have to go into work. So I would say, we have sex on an average of 3-4 times a week. Which I think is quite good given that we have such a young child. Well apparently he's dissatisfied with not only the frequency but also the fact that I am not in the mood to get decked out. Granted I have tried on many occassions to get sexified and dress up for him, but sometimes I'm really not feeling it. So he is frustrated because I don't go "all out" and he feels like it's become routine. We have sex on days I'm not working and only at night...blah blah blah. Well it's nearly impossible to have some crazy sex life when we live with my mother and she never sleeps and we share our room with our toddler who has to be the lightest sleeper on the planet. Of course it's not going to be some hot, torrent sex fest in our room. I'm not a morning person, and I would much rather sleep, but the times we've attempted to have sex in the morning, our son hears us and wakes up and so my fiance is left with a not so pleasant feeling. He gets annoyed and frustrated and moody. Who the heck would want to keep doing it in the morning if that is the normal outcome? So he thinks I have a problem because I'm always tired, which I am and I have agreed to go to a doctor to check out my thyroid because we believe it's underactive and that's why I'm always exhausted. I don't want to fight about this anymore. He says we used to have sex all the time and go to work tired and frankly, he's always in the mood. But life has changed, we have a child and can't exactly hump like rabbits anymore. I have severe insecurity when it comes to our sex life because he has cheated and I know it had a lot to do with us not having sex frequently. But I don't want it to become an issue anymore, I don't want to feel like I have to have sex no matter what. We've discussed this in therapy and the therapist is on my side but I can tell my fiance is unhappy. Our fights become terrible because of it, last night it was so ugly that I told him maybe I wasn't the right woman for him. Maybe he needs to find another ***** that he can **** so that he is satisfied because I don't seem to be enough. Than that opens the whole can of worms about how I can't let go of the past and so on and so forth. I've just reached my limit. We have only spoken this morning with back and forth text messages. Neither one is backing down and the last time I heard from him he calls me and yells at me and hangs up. So I didn't even get a word in edge wise. I can't believe after all this time our lack of communication is still there. I'm getting close to the end of my rope with this relationship. If it's not one thing it's another. Any suggestions?
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
I understand where your heart is and I can see that you both are trying. Thats great to know that yall are working at it.. and hopfully you will find that happy medium and both understand your true feelings about your relationship! I pray the best for yall!
Thanks Mommashelley1, it is hard. It really is! We are in therapy so that helps but I guess I look at it as there are no guarantees in life. Even if him and I split, the next man I'm with could do it to. So I work really hard and so does my fiance at getting to a healthy place. We share a son so he was the main reason why we both are trying. If he does it again, well then I would rather be alone and he would lose out on a good woman. That's really all I have.
Im so sorry to hear about your husbands infidelity.... In my opinion " interenet affairs" are just as bad as physical ones. And I can see where you would have the trust issue as well as MAMI!. I dont see how you ladies could go on not knowing if today is the day its going to happen again. Im so sorry!
I finally got a chance to go through and read everyone's responses. OMG I have been laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes!!
Mami, I'm glad things are looking up this week. Hopefully they will continue to do so and if not, I like the tire out method as well! LOL!!!!
Mami, I'm glad things are looking up this week. Hopefully they will continue to do so and if not, I like the tire out method as well! LOL!!!!
I can completely understand. Dh has had "internet affairs" on numerous occasions...basically where he just talks crap and asks for naked pics of girls he doesn't knows. But the end of last year I found out he was having a physical affair. Both he and the girl swear they never had sex but there was kissing and tuoching involved which to me is just as big of a betrayal. He's been doing good the last several months making sure I'm comfortable with things and knowing where he is/what he's doing, but there is still always that fear...the "if it happened once it can happen again" thing. While it IS my insecurity I feel that it's a result of his actions and that HE has to bust his @ss to help me overcome it. I have to work to find the ability to trust him again but he has to work ten times as hard to EARN that trust back. *I* am not the one who screwed up, HE is, so it only stands to reason that even though it takes hard work on BOTH parts, he should have to work a bit harder to mend things.
(Stands up clapping hands) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Preach it sister! LMBO
Preach it sister! LMBO
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Sex is one of those things that is different for every couple. For some people, it is how they SHOW love and how they FEEL loved. And for some it is just an animal need. People all have different levels of libido and it can change as we go through the years. There is no right or wrong answer to how much is enough. You are entitled to be tired and he is entitled to always be horny. It is coming together and addressing it so that both feel understood and heard. Resolutions come when both people are willing to work on it.
Maybe on nights you work, he could take care of Jay that evening and do some of the night time stuff--------- dishes, play with Jay, give him his bath, put him to bed while you relax for a bit. Then you might feel in the mood. Or if the problem is nights that you are off but going to work the next day--------- you could try that. And on nights that you say you are just too tired, he can cuddle with you instead. I always worry when sex becomes like a job for one partner in a relationship. It compounds the problem.
This is a good subject for therapy. Of course, I'm going to tell you that 3 to 4 times a week is pretty darn good--------- . I think if a couple has had some hard times recently, well---------- it is also difficult to feel sexy towards that person 24/7. And I often see the one who wants sex more does nothing to give the other party what they need that is not related to sex. So, I think some give and take should happen.
I don't know if that helped one bit and probably it didn't. But I know it is hard. Don't give up and just try to talk. Everyone gets the farthest with communicating when they speak from their heart. Handling his anger the way he did is not helpful to resolving the issue. He should know that too. Good luck------------