Aa
Is he cheating?
I just received our cell phone bill and my husband has 1200 minutes of phone calls to a woman I do not know. I confronted him and he told me she is just a friend, nothing is going on. I don't know if I believe him and have considered calling her and finding out from her what the relationship is. I have 3 kids and we have been married for almost 10 years. I do not want to leave the marriage without thinking it through, it will devast my kids but I dont think I can live with the situation without knowing the truth.
I slighly suspect that she's just looking for a reaction, based on her warped views & incessant rambling. Your coworkers may be right, Mayflowers...Just hard to believe that in this day & age, someone (at 50???!) can be that naive. IF she is joking, why on earth use this forum to do it when people are asking for honest help in theor lives?? Cruel....
Yes, she has to be very attractive to men....once they realize her 'philosophy' on relationships. Messing around on her would be like a walk in the park! Yipeee!!
Yes, Tinkerbell3's concern has kind of been lost in all of this. Tinkerbell, don't listen to the crazy woman!! The majority of us girls think that his actions need to be looked into. It just doesn't seem right for a man to hide something like this from you if it were innocent, as he claims. Like nojustice says, DON'T sugar coat it...there's a problem.
Boogaloo, i think she's more than a little 'off' in her views......she's flat out warped! Sorry, but i have to call a spade a spade!
Take care girls....
Yes, she has to be very attractive to men....once they realize her 'philosophy' on relationships. Messing around on her would be like a walk in the park! Yipeee!!
Yes, Tinkerbell3's concern has kind of been lost in all of this. Tinkerbell, don't listen to the crazy woman!! The majority of us girls think that his actions need to be looked into. It just doesn't seem right for a man to hide something like this from you if it were innocent, as he claims. Like nojustice says, DON'T sugar coat it...there's a problem.
Boogaloo, i think she's more than a little 'off' in her views......she's flat out warped! Sorry, but i have to call a spade a spade!
Take care girls....
If your husband is talking to some one that much(more than he talks to you on the phone) than theres a problem flatout no sugacoating it, they couldnt possibly have that much to talk about as friends..
There's something weird abt her and relationships. It's like she's a teenager or something. I'm sure some of those "monogamous" relationships weren't so monogamous on the guys side. I think this woman could be easily fooled. That's just my gut feeling. Wouldn't be surprised if her current "partner" wasn't fooling around on her. Her head is so far up her a$$ she wouldn't have a clue anyway.
I had a few of my coworkers read what she said (men & women) and they thought she joking. Just had to see if it was just me.
And sorry to Tinkerbell3 who is just trying to figure out what's going on with her husband. I hope it all works out, calling the woman might be good idea, at least get it all out in the open and then figure out what you want to do.
I had a few of my coworkers read what she said (men & women) and they thought she joking. Just had to see if it was just me.
And sorry to Tinkerbell3 who is just trying to figure out what's going on with her husband. I hope it all works out, calling the woman might be good idea, at least get it all out in the open and then figure out what you want to do.
She's actually close to 50 and not at all starting out. She's made that very clear in most of her posts. She's a little off, in my opinion, in most of her beliefs.
Green eyed lady & Mayflowers, you are dead on, girlfriends! There is positively nothing wrong with a spouse having a friend of the opposite sex. My husband has several female friends, which is totally cool with me. The problem is, if they have a 'friend' in confidence...& don't share this fact with you. Why would they not mention this friendship to you? Use your common sense & think about it for a half a second. Go with your gut feelings. SIMPLE. Hmm... If it were me & he said that they were just 'friends' i would definitely let him know that i would like to converse with her by phone as well. She must be a wonderfully amazing person, if he was happy to spend 20 hours (1200 minutes) in conversation with her. I would not act threatening to him in any way, but act as if you genuinely want to share the 'friendship'. See how he reacts. Period. Keep your cool, pick up the phone & dial. Of course, make sure that he is right there when you do it. If he is okay with the call happening...great, make the call & talk to the lady!
Give me a break barn babe...you must be very young & inexperienced in relationships between men & women. I know that when i was just 'starting out', i had views similar to yours. Some of us learn a little faster than others. Your response is a veiled attempt at behaviour rationalization & categorizing your personal views into a nice little package. It reminds me of the "psycho-babble" that much of the masses unfortunately, feed on. I could NOT stop laughing when you to referred to a hollywood movie as your example of what YOU THINK that all of us, as women, refer to in our relationships. YOU are the one who is sexist, chickie! You have NO right to place a 'blanket statement' on behalf of the entire female population & consider yourself to be "THE VOICE" of women. BTW, why refer to "When Harry Met Sally", TWICE already in responses? That's a wee unusual, not too mention....disturbing & slightly fixated, perhaps??? Don't ya think?? Maybe the fascination with this movie & it's message has impacted your life greater than you think. Most of us don't live in a fairytale world as you, we live in reality babe. Thank God that we don't consider you as the voice of wisdom!!!!!!!!!
It's all good chickie.........
Give me a break barn babe...you must be very young & inexperienced in relationships between men & women. I know that when i was just 'starting out', i had views similar to yours. Some of us learn a little faster than others. Your response is a veiled attempt at behaviour rationalization & categorizing your personal views into a nice little package. It reminds me of the "psycho-babble" that much of the masses unfortunately, feed on. I could NOT stop laughing when you to referred to a hollywood movie as your example of what YOU THINK that all of us, as women, refer to in our relationships. YOU are the one who is sexist, chickie! You have NO right to place a 'blanket statement' on behalf of the entire female population & consider yourself to be "THE VOICE" of women. BTW, why refer to "When Harry Met Sally", TWICE already in responses? That's a wee unusual, not too mention....disturbing & slightly fixated, perhaps??? Don't ya think?? Maybe the fascination with this movie & it's message has impacted your life greater than you think. Most of us don't live in a fairytale world as you, we live in reality babe. Thank God that we don't consider you as the voice of wisdom!!!!!!!!!
It's all good chickie.........
Wow this one got lots of comments....first of all how do you not know that your husband is talking to someone all that time? Is it that you had a trusting relationship prior to all of this? If everything was fine and dandy before than what has recently occured for his disrespectful behavior and your distrusting thoughts to be present? Anyone involved in a long term relationship with much invested like yourself should consider the others feelings when having another friend either of the same sex or opposite. I would ask to meet the friend and see what he enjoys in her. Maybe she is someone you would like too. But if he continues to seek conversation from her then there is something seriously wrong in the relationship that he can communicate with her and not with you. But I am guessing you already are aware of that. Sometimes we feel the stresses of life and find it easy to confide in others we have no other conection to. Maybe this is that person for your husband...but if i is then you two seriously need to evaluate yuor relationship and rekindle your connections before things go to the next step. If he is cheating find out why. Maybe it can be fixed maybe it can be salaged.........people do make mistakes and have bad judgement calls...even though this is a huge one writting off someone you have built a life with is not all that easy especially when this is something new and not continuous.....Good luck
So, what's happening? If you don't want to talk about it, I understand, but I was just wondering if you decided to call. I've not been in your situation, but a former co-worker of mine went through a situation similar to your's. Her husband didn't admit to having an affair at first, but later came clean. She has two kids and was devastated, wanted him to go to marriage counseling. He tried to blame her for the affair, left and didn't want to work on the marriage. It was so rough for her, and the kids didn't understand, but she had strong family support and was doing well the last time I saw her. I can only imagine how stressful this is. I agree with some of the others (though I didn't want to get into that conversation) that men rarely get into friendships with women without hopes of having more. I've entered into friendships with men who were interested in me, but it was not mutual - we agreed to just be friends, and it went well for awhile, but the guys would bring up dating again and never fully gave up trying to woo me into a relationship. I love men and would love to have male friends as men my age are better to hang around with than women - most women in their 20's haven't gotten over the cattiness and pettiness (some never do). I do for your sake hope it's just a friendship and/or nothing has happened between them. It is possible that it's just a frienship, but that your husband felt uncomfortable about telling you about it since women are so competitive with other women.
God bless.
God bless.
I have male friends who I love dearly, and I used to date a guy who hated the fact that I had male friends. I grew up with four brothers and no sisters, so I naturally get along well with men. I have lots of women friends too, but some of my closest friends are men.
My present boyfriend, thank god, is very open minded, and he trusts me. He has asked to meet my close friends, but I think that is normal of any relationship - we want to meet each other's friends. Of course I have met his friends as well and yes, he has friends who are women.
I am concerned for the OP because this friendship has been a secret. I find that very strange if it platonic relationship. I can't say how many times in recounting my day, I tell my boyfriend, "Oh guess who I talked to, or so and so and I had a really nice lunch" I think it seems like he is hiding it and brushing her off. Like BB has said even though she hasn't met all her bf friends, they don't sound like a secret. Her bf is not hiding them or acting suspicious.
I also understand what Mayflowers is saying - I don't think everyone qualifies as a friend, and you have to be careful about the intentions of the other person. This is true of both sexes. It's funny when you get in a relationship, and some of your opposite sex "friends" drop you. However, not everyone is like that. Some people truly value friendship. They might think you are a cutey, but they understand the boundaries.
My present boyfriend, thank god, is very open minded, and he trusts me. He has asked to meet my close friends, but I think that is normal of any relationship - we want to meet each other's friends. Of course I have met his friends as well and yes, he has friends who are women.
I am concerned for the OP because this friendship has been a secret. I find that very strange if it platonic relationship. I can't say how many times in recounting my day, I tell my boyfriend, "Oh guess who I talked to, or so and so and I had a really nice lunch" I think it seems like he is hiding it and brushing her off. Like BB has said even though she hasn't met all her bf friends, they don't sound like a secret. Her bf is not hiding them or acting suspicious.
I also understand what Mayflowers is saying - I don't think everyone qualifies as a friend, and you have to be careful about the intentions of the other person. This is true of both sexes. It's funny when you get in a relationship, and some of your opposite sex "friends" drop you. However, not everyone is like that. Some people truly value friendship. They might think you are a cutey, but they understand the boundaries.
A man, seeing an attractive woman is gong to naturally wonder about her. That''s just basic instinct. Do you really think that men and women are the same in their needs and desires? Do you really think that anatomy means nothing??? You have got to be kidding me.
You have asked/said a lot but can only answer some:
"Actually, I think it's pretty "disrespectful" to make the leap that opposite-sex friendships are impossible. I noticed you didn't answer my questions, either."
Not disrepectful at all....men and women are different, we have different needs. Sure you can talk to someone at work, maybe at a social event, but doing things alone without your partner? Come on, asking for trouble if you do this.
"Sorry for you having experiences like this, but you are asking us to believe that a few men in the "corporate world" with whom you have had contact will determine the behavior for an entire population of men. Or, the behavior of a couple of men have determined for you the social contract you will engage in with your own partner. That's unfortunate"
Yes, I'm sorry I had these experiences too. I have never heard of a "social contract". I've never not worked in the corporate world and the men that didn't come on to me, also didn't try to see me outside of work or have conversations that their wives/gf didn't know about.
"As I said, I've had plenty of married men coming on to me over the years. It hasn't damaged in the least the trust I have for my partners - and I have never been married, just lived with men in monogamous relationships."
Sorry, I can't even touch that one. Besides, how do you know the guy was monogamous????? Why did you break up? (You don't have to answer that question, I just threw it in.)
"That's a shame. You could be missing out on some very treasured and important friendships in your life with men, and your husband with other women. One of my closest friends is a guy - we've been friends for years - and any partner of mine who says this man can't be in my life will not be my partner. End of story. My current partner has a female friend who is important to him. They are both E.R. docs, they went to medical school together, and they are very close. She's a terrific woman. I would not be so presumptuous as to tell my partner that she can no longer be his friend - again, that would be unimaginable to me. "
That's great that you both have friends. What if you started doing a lot with your guy friend - going to dinner a couple times a week, talking on the phone for hours, or your partner started doing a lot with his friend, spending time alone with her on the weekends, taking vacations together. Do you think that is normal? Maybe you are just talking about a few lunches here and there and that could be ok as long as you both know about it.
"Again, what a loss - for both you and your partner. In my opinion, this could be one of the reasons that relationships don't last - because of constrictions and limitations placed on the relationship that are based on nothing more than fear on the part of the partner(s). "
There are lots of reasons relationships don't last and infidelity is a big reason.
"I wonder how many to you is "too many?" One? Two? Five? A dozen? Twenty? And you've taken this as "how it is." In other words, you've extrapolated from some other bad relationships and allowed them to dictate the terms of your own partnerships. As I said before, if you don't trust your partner, you don't have sh*t. So why would you bother getting into a relationship at all? "
10 - that's how many I can count right off the top of my head. Where I come from (NYC) and my culture - serious friendship between men and women don't really exist because the man will want to take it further. Sometimes it's the woman who will make the first move if she is desperate.
"I don't believe in attempting to constrict or limit my partner's emotional growth. Because that doesn't work, does it? Both my partner and I have a variety of friendships and acquaintances of all stripes. I'm not trying to be "everything" to him. I can't be. Nor is he trying to do that for me. Because he can't be everything to me."
Nobody wants their emotional, professional or educational growth stunted. That's correct - one person can't be everything to another person. I don't have a problem with furthering your mind by learning something, loving a sport or getting ahead in business, but I would not like it if my boyfriend started talking a lot to a particular woman and going places with her and not me. It's disrepectful to me. I would also never do it another woman - go out with her husband/boyfriend alone.
As for Meg Ryan, she grew up very close to me and is very loved by our community. You can have your opinion about Meg but I think she is a good actress and she can act her way out of a paper bag.
You have asked/said a lot but can only answer some:
"Actually, I think it's pretty "disrespectful" to make the leap that opposite-sex friendships are impossible. I noticed you didn't answer my questions, either."
Not disrepectful at all....men and women are different, we have different needs. Sure you can talk to someone at work, maybe at a social event, but doing things alone without your partner? Come on, asking for trouble if you do this.
"Sorry for you having experiences like this, but you are asking us to believe that a few men in the "corporate world" with whom you have had contact will determine the behavior for an entire population of men. Or, the behavior of a couple of men have determined for you the social contract you will engage in with your own partner. That's unfortunate"
Yes, I'm sorry I had these experiences too. I have never heard of a "social contract". I've never not worked in the corporate world and the men that didn't come on to me, also didn't try to see me outside of work or have conversations that their wives/gf didn't know about.
"As I said, I've had plenty of married men coming on to me over the years. It hasn't damaged in the least the trust I have for my partners - and I have never been married, just lived with men in monogamous relationships."
Sorry, I can't even touch that one. Besides, how do you know the guy was monogamous????? Why did you break up? (You don't have to answer that question, I just threw it in.)
"That's a shame. You could be missing out on some very treasured and important friendships in your life with men, and your husband with other women. One of my closest friends is a guy - we've been friends for years - and any partner of mine who says this man can't be in my life will not be my partner. End of story. My current partner has a female friend who is important to him. They are both E.R. docs, they went to medical school together, and they are very close. She's a terrific woman. I would not be so presumptuous as to tell my partner that she can no longer be his friend - again, that would be unimaginable to me. "
That's great that you both have friends. What if you started doing a lot with your guy friend - going to dinner a couple times a week, talking on the phone for hours, or your partner started doing a lot with his friend, spending time alone with her on the weekends, taking vacations together. Do you think that is normal? Maybe you are just talking about a few lunches here and there and that could be ok as long as you both know about it.
"Again, what a loss - for both you and your partner. In my opinion, this could be one of the reasons that relationships don't last - because of constrictions and limitations placed on the relationship that are based on nothing more than fear on the part of the partner(s). "
There are lots of reasons relationships don't last and infidelity is a big reason.
"I wonder how many to you is "too many?" One? Two? Five? A dozen? Twenty? And you've taken this as "how it is." In other words, you've extrapolated from some other bad relationships and allowed them to dictate the terms of your own partnerships. As I said before, if you don't trust your partner, you don't have sh*t. So why would you bother getting into a relationship at all? "
10 - that's how many I can count right off the top of my head. Where I come from (NYC) and my culture - serious friendship between men and women don't really exist because the man will want to take it further. Sometimes it's the woman who will make the first move if she is desperate.
"I don't believe in attempting to constrict or limit my partner's emotional growth. Because that doesn't work, does it? Both my partner and I have a variety of friendships and acquaintances of all stripes. I'm not trying to be "everything" to him. I can't be. Nor is he trying to do that for me. Because he can't be everything to me."
Nobody wants their emotional, professional or educational growth stunted. That's correct - one person can't be everything to another person. I don't have a problem with furthering your mind by learning something, loving a sport or getting ahead in business, but I would not like it if my boyfriend started talking a lot to a particular woman and going places with her and not me. It's disrepectful to me. I would also never do it another woman - go out with her husband/boyfriend alone.
As for Meg Ryan, she grew up very close to me and is very loved by our community. You can have your opinion about Meg but I think she is a good actress and she can act her way out of a paper bag.
"It’s just inappropriate behavior for a married man(or woman) to do something with another woman(or man) who is not his wife (her husband) It’s disrespectful to the spouse. Please don’t be naïve about this."
Actually, I think it's pretty "disrespectful" to make the leap that opposite-sex friendships are impossible. I noticed you didn't answer my questions, either.
"I work in the corporate world where I am around a lot of men and I've met men who were in "happy relationships", they talked great about their girlfriend/wife and then a few months down the road he’ll starts (sic) making sexual remarks to me, maybe talk about his sex life or some movie he saw and how “hot” he thinks an actress is, and then slowly but surely, they will at some point make a pass - either verbally or physically."
Sorry for you having experiences like this, but you are asking us to believe that a few men in the "corporate world" with whom you have had contact will determine the behavior for an entire population of men. Or, the behavior of a couple of men have determined for you the social contract you will engage in with your own partner. That's unfortunate.
I've had plenty of men come on to me over the years - some have been married, some have been single. These kinds of actions don't preclude the trust I have in my own partner! Why would it?! If that were the case, you'd have to dismiss marriage as a cultural institution. By your logic, women shouldn't even bother getting married because of course their husband will be out flirting with other women and will undermine the marriage contract. (BTW, I'm not even going to touch the issue of what constitutes flirting or not flirting, because you have no idea what two people have worked out in their own private relationship.)
"It's not just me, my friends have had the same thing happen to them. I’ve also seen married men and women go on business trips and before long, there’s trouble in their marriage because they are having an affair. Sometimes it happens and men/women don’t plan on it but they get swept away because they are unhappy or looking for some excitement."
So you are saying that married men and women shouldn't be taking business trips together? Should we just live in a world where married men and women don't have any contact with the opposite sex? This is not a rational line of thinking on your part.
As I said, I've had plenty of married men coming on to me over the years. It hasn't damaged in the least the trust I have for my partners - and I have never been married, just lived with men in monogamous relationships.
"While it’s ok for men to be friends with women, and visa versa, it’s just that usually from what I’ve seen and experienced, they can’t always keep at that level IF they start doing things ALONE together."
That's a shame. You could be missing out on some very treasured and important friendships in your life with men, and your husband with other women. One of my closest friends is a guy - we've been friends for years - and any partner of mine who says this man can't be in my life will not be my partner. End of story. My current partner has a female friend who is important to him. They are both E.R. docs, they went to medical school together, and they are very close. She's a terrific woman. I would not be so presumptuous as to tell my partner that she can no longer be his friend - again, that would be unimaginable to me.
"I do think that it’s good for couples to having dinner, go golfing but doing things alone with the opposite sex, not a good idea from what I’ve seen."
Again, what a loss - for both you and your partner. In my opinion, this could be one of the reasons that relationships don't last - because of constrictions and limitations placed on the relationship that are based on nothing more than fear on the part of the partner(s).
We can't be "everything" to our partners. I think people believe it's going to be "happily ever after" with these limitations and "rules," and it just doesn't work. I don't have the expectation that I can offer my partner everything he needs emotionally, nor he for me. Some of our needs are met professionally, some socially. A person's anatomy has nothing to do with that, nor should it be part of the equation.
"You may not like what I am saying at all and I’m not trying to be disrespectful to your beliefs on trust, but I’ve seen too many relationships break up because “friends” suddenly realized they were in “love”.
I wonder how many to you is "too many?" One? Two? Five? A dozen? Twenty? And you've taken this as "how it is." In other words, you've extrapolated from some other bad relationships and allowed them to dictate the terms of your own partnerships. As I said before, if you don't trust your partner, you don't have sh*t. So why would you bother getting into a relationship at all?
I don't believe in attempting to constrict or limit my partner's emotional growth. Because that doesn't work, does it? Both my partner and I have a variety of friendships and acquaintances of all stripes. I'm not trying to be "everything" to him. I can't be. Nor is he trying to do that for me. Because he can't be everything to me.
"Ever watch “When Harry Met Sally”?
That's fiction. Do you really want to make sense out of your relationships based on a romantic comedy? Please.
And as an aside, Meg Ryan couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.
Actually, I think it's pretty "disrespectful" to make the leap that opposite-sex friendships are impossible. I noticed you didn't answer my questions, either.
"I work in the corporate world where I am around a lot of men and I've met men who were in "happy relationships", they talked great about their girlfriend/wife and then a few months down the road he’ll starts (sic) making sexual remarks to me, maybe talk about his sex life or some movie he saw and how “hot” he thinks an actress is, and then slowly but surely, they will at some point make a pass - either verbally or physically."
Sorry for you having experiences like this, but you are asking us to believe that a few men in the "corporate world" with whom you have had contact will determine the behavior for an entire population of men. Or, the behavior of a couple of men have determined for you the social contract you will engage in with your own partner. That's unfortunate.
I've had plenty of men come on to me over the years - some have been married, some have been single. These kinds of actions don't preclude the trust I have in my own partner! Why would it?! If that were the case, you'd have to dismiss marriage as a cultural institution. By your logic, women shouldn't even bother getting married because of course their husband will be out flirting with other women and will undermine the marriage contract. (BTW, I'm not even going to touch the issue of what constitutes flirting or not flirting, because you have no idea what two people have worked out in their own private relationship.)
"It's not just me, my friends have had the same thing happen to them. I’ve also seen married men and women go on business trips and before long, there’s trouble in their marriage because they are having an affair. Sometimes it happens and men/women don’t plan on it but they get swept away because they are unhappy or looking for some excitement."
So you are saying that married men and women shouldn't be taking business trips together? Should we just live in a world where married men and women don't have any contact with the opposite sex? This is not a rational line of thinking on your part.
As I said, I've had plenty of married men coming on to me over the years. It hasn't damaged in the least the trust I have for my partners - and I have never been married, just lived with men in monogamous relationships.
"While it’s ok for men to be friends with women, and visa versa, it’s just that usually from what I’ve seen and experienced, they can’t always keep at that level IF they start doing things ALONE together."
That's a shame. You could be missing out on some very treasured and important friendships in your life with men, and your husband with other women. One of my closest friends is a guy - we've been friends for years - and any partner of mine who says this man can't be in my life will not be my partner. End of story. My current partner has a female friend who is important to him. They are both E.R. docs, they went to medical school together, and they are very close. She's a terrific woman. I would not be so presumptuous as to tell my partner that she can no longer be his friend - again, that would be unimaginable to me.
"I do think that it’s good for couples to having dinner, go golfing but doing things alone with the opposite sex, not a good idea from what I’ve seen."
Again, what a loss - for both you and your partner. In my opinion, this could be one of the reasons that relationships don't last - because of constrictions and limitations placed on the relationship that are based on nothing more than fear on the part of the partner(s).
We can't be "everything" to our partners. I think people believe it's going to be "happily ever after" with these limitations and "rules," and it just doesn't work. I don't have the expectation that I can offer my partner everything he needs emotionally, nor he for me. Some of our needs are met professionally, some socially. A person's anatomy has nothing to do with that, nor should it be part of the equation.
"You may not like what I am saying at all and I’m not trying to be disrespectful to your beliefs on trust, but I’ve seen too many relationships break up because “friends” suddenly realized they were in “love”.
I wonder how many to you is "too many?" One? Two? Five? A dozen? Twenty? And you've taken this as "how it is." In other words, you've extrapolated from some other bad relationships and allowed them to dictate the terms of your own partnerships. As I said before, if you don't trust your partner, you don't have sh*t. So why would you bother getting into a relationship at all?
I don't believe in attempting to constrict or limit my partner's emotional growth. Because that doesn't work, does it? Both my partner and I have a variety of friendships and acquaintances of all stripes. I'm not trying to be "everything" to him. I can't be. Nor is he trying to do that for me. Because he can't be everything to me.
"Ever watch “When Harry Met Sally”?
That's fiction. Do you really want to make sense out of your relationships based on a romantic comedy? Please.
And as an aside, Meg Ryan couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.
I have male friends. Being a busy working, married lady with two kids I don't have a lot of spare time to socialize though. My dh is my best friend, and if he was uncomfortable with any of my male friends I would take his wishes into account. I have some completely platonic male friends and then there are others who I keep a little at a distance as I sense they could be inappropriate. But I would never day it is impossible for a man to want to be a woman's friend.
I guess my concern is that your husband is keeping this realtionship a secret and running up huge bills to do so. Call her, see what she says. But my guess is your guy is already giving you the answer/
I guess my concern is that your husband is keeping this realtionship a secret and running up huge bills to do so. Call her, see what she says. But my guess is your guy is already giving you the answer/
It’s just inappropriate behavior for a married man(or woman) to do something with another woman(or man) who is not his wife (her husband) It’s disrespectful to the spouse. Please don’t be naïve about this.
I work in the corporate world where I am around a lot of men and I've met men who were in "happy relationships", they talked great about their girlfriend/wife and then a few months down the road he’ll starts making sexual remarks to me, maybe talk about his sex life or some movie he saw and how “hot” he thinks an actress is, and then slowly but surely, they will at some point make a pass - either verbally or physically.
It's not just me, my friends have had the same thing happen to them. I’ve also seen married men and women go on business trips and before long, there’s trouble in their marriage because they are having an affair. Sometimes it happens and men/women don’t plan on it but they get swept away because they are unhappy or looking for some excitement.
While it’s ok for men to be friends with women, and visa versa, it’s just that usually from what I’ve seen and experienced, they can’t always keep at that level IF they start doing things ALONE together. Then, there is usually some kind of attraction going on.
I do think that it’s good for couples to having dinner, go golfing but doing things alone with the opposite sex, not a good idea from what I’ve seen. You may not like what I am saying at all and I’m not trying to be disrespectful to your beliefs on trust, but I’ve seen too many relationships break up because “friends” suddenly realized they were in “love”. Ever watch “When Harry Met Sally”?
I work in the corporate world where I am around a lot of men and I've met men who were in "happy relationships", they talked great about their girlfriend/wife and then a few months down the road he’ll starts making sexual remarks to me, maybe talk about his sex life or some movie he saw and how “hot” he thinks an actress is, and then slowly but surely, they will at some point make a pass - either verbally or physically.
It's not just me, my friends have had the same thing happen to them. I’ve also seen married men and women go on business trips and before long, there’s trouble in their marriage because they are having an affair. Sometimes it happens and men/women don’t plan on it but they get swept away because they are unhappy or looking for some excitement.
While it’s ok for men to be friends with women, and visa versa, it’s just that usually from what I’ve seen and experienced, they can’t always keep at that level IF they start doing things ALONE together. Then, there is usually some kind of attraction going on.
I do think that it’s good for couples to having dinner, go golfing but doing things alone with the opposite sex, not a good idea from what I’ve seen. You may not like what I am saying at all and I’m not trying to be disrespectful to your beliefs on trust, but I’ve seen too many relationships break up because “friends” suddenly realized they were in “love”. Ever watch “When Harry Met Sally”?
Unbelievable. That's very sexist, in case you haven't picked that up yet. Talk about disrespect towards men.
I think this attitude is "cover," though. I think what is really going on here is that you don't trust your partners in general and you have control issues. It is absolutely laughable to me to think that my partners should not have female friends, or that I should not have male friends. It's also a very immature posture, frankly.
What you're telling me is that if your partner said they had a great rapport with somebody, got along well, maybe they had some stuff in common and wanted to see that person away from you, you would say no? Is that what you are telling me?
Are you also saying that if you met a man who had platonic friendships with women before they knew you, that you would "forbid" them to see those people if he wanted a relationship with you? That's mind-boggling.
To be honest, I can't see having a relationship with somebody who would "forbid" me to choose my friends. That's beyond the pale. As I said, I think there is more to your attitude than what you are letting on. It's about control and trust, ultimately. As in, you want control, and you have no trust.
All I can say is, if you don't trust your partner, you haven't got sh*t in your relationship.
I think this attitude is "cover," though. I think what is really going on here is that you don't trust your partners in general and you have control issues. It is absolutely laughable to me to think that my partners should not have female friends, or that I should not have male friends. It's also a very immature posture, frankly.
What you're telling me is that if your partner said they had a great rapport with somebody, got along well, maybe they had some stuff in common and wanted to see that person away from you, you would say no? Is that what you are telling me?
Are you also saying that if you met a man who had platonic friendships with women before they knew you, that you would "forbid" them to see those people if he wanted a relationship with you? That's mind-boggling.
To be honest, I can't see having a relationship with somebody who would "forbid" me to choose my friends. That's beyond the pale. As I said, I think there is more to your attitude than what you are letting on. It's about control and trust, ultimately. As in, you want control, and you have no trust.
All I can say is, if you don't trust your partner, you haven't got sh*t in your relationship.
I too, enjoy reading your posts barn babe but I have to side with greeneyed lady on this one. Whenever a married man wanted to be "friends" with me, he almost always made a pass at me. Men are much more sexual than women and they want women. I think it's in their nature to want to sleep with anything that has a vagina.
I'm too liberal for everybody's taste. Try being a communist in a free market society. It's generally no fun. We live in a culture that blames the "little guy" for being poor or having no health insurance, or whatever. It never occurs to people that the economic system under which we live is destructive to quality of life for millions of people.
Well, the OP's situation needs to change, because clearly he went behind her back and this is what bothered her. Now it doesn't mean that he was out screwing the other woman, but it's also possible that they've never had a dialogue about dealing with opposite-sex friendships, so this whole scenario needs to be opened up and they need a frank discussion of this stuff, clearly. I agree with that.
It's sort of like if you find out your partner is sleeping around outside your relationship. Did you ever discuss that the two of you would be monogamous? If you didn't have a frank discussion about it, your "assumptions" have no weight, or they have much less weight in communicating to your partner about so-called "infidelity."
If the OP and her partner never had a conversation about friendships with the opposite sex, then she's a little bit on shaky ground, but all she has to do is ask to meet this woman and then let him continue with the friendship if it's valuable to him.
But it sounds to me like you inherently have a mistrust of men, green eyes. You've made the leap that men and women can't be platonic friends. I see that as an extremely limited view. I have no problem with couples having couple friends - my partner and I see a few couples socially - I happen to be close friends with the man in that couple, we go to the opera alone together and have gone on runs together, just the two of us, and nobody is having a meltdown because of it. His friendship is valuable to me. My partner also has a couple of women friends that he sees on a semi-regular basis. I've only met one of them and she seems fine - we get along great. The other one I've never met, although I've spoken to her on the phone. (Yes, women are allowed to call our household to speak to my partner! Yeesh.)
Maybe the difference is I trust my partners. : ) I don't walk around with an inherent mistrust that the people who love me are somehow out to "undermine" my relationships with them.
Well, the OP's situation needs to change, because clearly he went behind her back and this is what bothered her. Now it doesn't mean that he was out screwing the other woman, but it's also possible that they've never had a dialogue about dealing with opposite-sex friendships, so this whole scenario needs to be opened up and they need a frank discussion of this stuff, clearly. I agree with that.
It's sort of like if you find out your partner is sleeping around outside your relationship. Did you ever discuss that the two of you would be monogamous? If you didn't have a frank discussion about it, your "assumptions" have no weight, or they have much less weight in communicating to your partner about so-called "infidelity."
If the OP and her partner never had a conversation about friendships with the opposite sex, then she's a little bit on shaky ground, but all she has to do is ask to meet this woman and then let him continue with the friendship if it's valuable to him.
But it sounds to me like you inherently have a mistrust of men, green eyes. You've made the leap that men and women can't be platonic friends. I see that as an extremely limited view. I have no problem with couples having couple friends - my partner and I see a few couples socially - I happen to be close friends with the man in that couple, we go to the opera alone together and have gone on runs together, just the two of us, and nobody is having a meltdown because of it. His friendship is valuable to me. My partner also has a couple of women friends that he sees on a semi-regular basis. I've only met one of them and she seems fine - we get along great. The other one I've never met, although I've spoken to her on the phone. (Yes, women are allowed to call our household to speak to my partner! Yeesh.)
Maybe the difference is I trust my partners. : ) I don't walk around with an inherent mistrust that the people who love me are somehow out to "undermine" my relationships with them.
The reason why I feel this way is this, if a partner or spouse wants to have a "friendship" with someone of the opposite gender than by all means have at it. But you better damn well make sure the other person in the relationship knows about it. Also IN MY EXPERIENCE I have found very few men that would view a woman as *just* a friend. Normally when a married man has a new woman friend it more than likely is an emotional affair... and as I stated before I consider that leaving the marriage on some level.
As for the friend issue...what's wrong with couples? My partner and I both have friends of the opposite sex, however, and this is big Barn Babe, we are both aware of what is going on. My problem with the OP's husband is that she had no idea that he had such a great *friend* and to me that is disturbing.
I have to say Barn Babe that I do find you insightful and I do enjoy reading your posts, but I do find that you can be a little to liberal for my tastes, but as they say " whatever floats your boat ". Have a good one. E
As for the friend issue...what's wrong with couples? My partner and I both have friends of the opposite sex, however, and this is big Barn Babe, we are both aware of what is going on. My problem with the OP's husband is that she had no idea that he had such a great *friend* and to me that is disturbing.
I have to say Barn Babe that I do find you insightful and I do enjoy reading your posts, but I do find that you can be a little to liberal for my tastes, but as they say " whatever floats your boat ". Have a good one. E
I'm surprised to hear you say you apparently find it unacceptable for your (male) partner to have female friends. Half the population of the planet is female. Why would you deny your partner the opportunity for a close friendship just because that person has a vagina? That's ludicrous. What if your partner had female friendships before you came into the picture? Are you saying if your partner met someone with whom he had a rapport, something in common, and the person happened to be female, you would not "approve" of a friendship?
Don't you yourself have male friends? Would you deny yourself having a friend because the potential friend had a penis?
Wow. I guess it never entered my mind that this kind of "condition" would be placed upon having a relationship with somebody. That's pretty restrictive. As if you are the only woman on the planet who can offer anything substantive or emotional to your partner's life.
I actually dated a guy who had this opinion, years ago. He told me, it was on a second or third date, I believe, that he didn't approve of his girlfriends having male friends and he would find it completely inappropriate if he were married. That was the last time I went out with him.
Is this a trust issue? Insecurity issue? I'm curious as to what underlies this kind of "restriction." Does your partner even know how you feel about this? In other words, when you hooked up, was it a mutual decision that neither one of you could have NO friends of the opposite sex? That's unimaginable to me, but whatever floats your boat. Jesus.
Don't you yourself have male friends? Would you deny yourself having a friend because the potential friend had a penis?
Wow. I guess it never entered my mind that this kind of "condition" would be placed upon having a relationship with somebody. That's pretty restrictive. As if you are the only woman on the planet who can offer anything substantive or emotional to your partner's life.
I actually dated a guy who had this opinion, years ago. He told me, it was on a second or third date, I believe, that he didn't approve of his girlfriends having male friends and he would find it completely inappropriate if he were married. That was the last time I went out with him.
Is this a trust issue? Insecurity issue? I'm curious as to what underlies this kind of "restriction." Does your partner even know how you feel about this? In other words, when you hooked up, was it a mutual decision that neither one of you could have NO friends of the opposite sex? That's unimaginable to me, but whatever floats your boat. Jesus.
You don't spend 1200 minutes that you are paying for with a friend. How come you do not know this friend? Why hasn't the friend come over for dinner?
It sounds like at least an emotional affair. I think you should trust your instincts about this situation.
It sounds like at least an emotional affair. I think you should trust your instincts about this situation.
Hi Tinkerbell...I am new to this forum but I felt I needed to respond to you because I was in a similar situation with my ex. From my experience I believe you need to trust your instincts. Do you believe what he is telling you? Does your gut say different?
I also believe that it wouldn't be *normal* for a married man to develop a friendship with another woman. I know that I would be seriously pissed off if it were my husband...affair or friendship it doesn't matter to me, he is still *leaving* the marriage on some level.
Ultimately this all comes down to you and what you are willing to put up with. I do want to say that after I found out about my husband's affair, he fessed up to everything and he vowed to stay in our marriage (Believe me when I tell you it was no " it's her or me " nonsense). Well the next 4 yrs. of our marriage were the best. However, after time we felt the old problems resurfacing and by then I wasn't sure if I wanted to start anew...so I left...it was hard at first but I can honestly say that I don't feel it was a mistake...my ex and I are better friends than spouses.
I want to wish you the best because I understand how painful this whole situation can be and when you have children it becomes that much harder. But please sweetie trust your instincts...they are there for a reason. The Best to you.
I also believe that it wouldn't be *normal* for a married man to develop a friendship with another woman. I know that I would be seriously pissed off if it were my husband...affair or friendship it doesn't matter to me, he is still *leaving* the marriage on some level.
Ultimately this all comes down to you and what you are willing to put up with. I do want to say that after I found out about my husband's affair, he fessed up to everything and he vowed to stay in our marriage (Believe me when I tell you it was no " it's her or me " nonsense). Well the next 4 yrs. of our marriage were the best. However, after time we felt the old problems resurfacing and by then I wasn't sure if I wanted to start anew...so I left...it was hard at first but I can honestly say that I don't feel it was a mistake...my ex and I are better friends than spouses.
I want to wish you the best because I understand how painful this whole situation can be and when you have children it becomes that much harder. But please sweetie trust your instincts...they are there for a reason. The Best to you.
I think calling her is not a bad idea, actually. It sounds better to me than paying someone to snoop on these people. What if (though highly unlikely) he is telling the truth, and he finds out you paid some detective to spy on him? You do have to keep in mind that the woman in question will likely go along with his "just friends" story if it is an affair.
If you've been married for 10 years, it sounds to me like you would know if he's telling you the truth or not. Since you apparently don't believe him, I think you already know what the truth is. You just have to decide whether or not you want to live with a cheating husband. If it was me, I'd leave for awhile and see who he goes after, you or the other woman. I don't get women who latch onto cheating husbands and try to fix them with therapy, but that's just me.
If you've been married for 10 years, it sounds to me like you would know if he's telling you the truth or not. Since you apparently don't believe him, I think you already know what the truth is. You just have to decide whether or not you want to live with a cheating husband. If it was me, I'd leave for awhile and see who he goes after, you or the other woman. I don't get women who latch onto cheating husbands and try to fix them with therapy, but that's just me.
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