Just Not Feeling him

[meekie2010]

I have lived with my BF for 11 years and we have 2 kids together.  But I have realized after truly being honest with myself and acknowledging my feelings that I am no longer in love with him.  I love him but I am not in love with him I mean there is no desire or attraction there for me.  I feel like we have disconnected.  and though I feel bad about it I dont think I should continue to suppress my feelings and stay with him for the kids or just to avoid hurting his feelings.  I feel like I just need time to myself at times I feel confused and unsure if this is the right decision.  But I also feel like I have wasted so much time especially since we are not married, but then again maybe its good that we never got married since I am feeling this way.  Every time we discuss it, he tells me that I am pushing him out of his kids life and that is the last thing I want to do, but its like if we are not together then he cant be in his kids life and that  is so far from the truth.  I really dont know what to do, because I am really miserable with my relationship.  I dont know why I feel this way I just do and he is making me feel really guilty about it.  He cant understand that this is hard for me as well because this is not what I intended it just kinda played out this way.  I think the relationship has run its course and I would love for us to be friends (but I dont think its possibe on his behalf) since we do have kids together and he is a nice guy there is just no longer any attraction there romantically. Am I wrong for feeling this way?  Am I wrong for allowing the relationship to go on for 11 years and 2 kids before I stepped back and analyzed my feelings?  He makes it seems like I have been lying to him the entire 11 years and I am pretty sure I was in love with him at one time or maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love.  Its possible never the less I feel like I want out or at least a break for me to take the time with myself and sort things out.

[Ashelen]

I'm not excusing his behavior, and I really have missed a lot of this post...but please don't discount the role of serious depression on motivation and relationships. my husband was depressed at one point and wouldn't work, but I stuck by him and now he works 9hrs a da, 5 days a week and goes to 2 hours of college classes 4 nights a week too....
AND I've been there where I was so depressed that I literally could not force myself to get up and function....

but with everything else I agree with mami (as usual) I think that almost every relationship can be salvaged with hard work. there are obviously exceptions...
and no you're not wrong for FEELING this way, but you need to get your head straight and act the right way and not just act based on frustration or hurt feelings.

[meekie2010]

I know he will be in my life forever like i said I dont hate him I just dont feel him that way anymore.  I have made a lot of sacrifices in this relationship from day one I have been more than supportive both emotionally and financially I just feel like I have put way more into this than i have gotten out.  I supported him financially through school and when I told him I wanted to go back to school his response was that I should have did that a long time ago.  Too much give and not enough take. Now that he sees that I am fed up he wants to change his tune but I am fed up now I just dont even feel like he is worth the effort.

[mami1323]

Feelings don't stay the same throughout a relationship.  They go up and down and change all the time.  One minute you love the person and the next you can not like them too much but you get what you give.  If you don't love him then leave and let someone else give him what he deserves.  I don't know what else there is to say.  We've tried to help you by giving you options, since that's what you were asking but you seem to know that he is not the one.  What else is there to tell you?

[VicUser]

It will take more than a few days but yes if you try really hard I think you will see a big difference.

[meekie2010]

Ok, so basically if I act like I love him and marry him then my feelings will change?

[mami1323]

Have you even tried communicating with him your unhappiness?  I think he was trying to make a life for you and the kids by attempting to start a business.  I don't see that as a bad thing.  I understand your resentment and bitterness but all that can get worked through.  Again, if you're not willing to work on it than leave but he will always be part of your life since you two share children.  We all have our moments of bitterness and resentment because all relationships have their issues.  It's how you work through those feelings that make a difference.  But if you don't feel like putting in the effort than again, you can leave.