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Just Not Feeling him
I have lived with my BF for 11 years and we have 2 kids together. But I have realized after truly being honest with myself and acknowledging my feelings that I am no longer in love with him. I love him but I am not in love with him I mean there is no desire or attraction there for me. I feel like we have disconnected. and though I feel bad about it I dont think I should continue to suppress my feelings and stay with him for the kids or just to avoid hurting his feelings. I feel like I just need time to myself at times I feel confused and unsure if this is the right decision. But I also feel like I have wasted so much time especially since we are not married, but then again maybe its good that we never got married since I am feeling this way. Every time we discuss it, he tells me that I am pushing him out of his kids life and that is the last thing I want to do, but its like if we are not together then he cant be in his kids life and that is so far from the truth. I really dont know what to do, because I am really miserable with my relationship. I dont know why I feel this way I just do and he is making me feel really guilty about it. He cant understand that this is hard for me as well because this is not what I intended it just kinda played out this way. I think the relationship has run its course and I would love for us to be friends (but I dont think its possibe on his behalf) since we do have kids together and he is a nice guy there is just no longer any attraction there romantically. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for allowing the relationship to go on for 11 years and 2 kids before I stepped back and analyzed my feelings? He makes it seems like I have been lying to him the entire 11 years and I am pretty sure I was in love with him at one time or maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love. Its possible never the less I feel like I want out or at least a break for me to take the time with myself and sort things out.
I think we all answered your question before. First of all, I think this relationship fizzled a long time ago. Secondly, he's trying to black mail you into staying with him. I do believe feelings can return again if you are willing to find the love again. It takes work and if both of you are willing to do that then you should try. Eleven years is a long time to spend with each other. Your boyfriend is hurting right now and that's why he's making you feel bad, he's also hoping to guilt you into staying with him. Have you looked into counseling?
If you were in love with him then start treating him like you did way back then and see if things change. Maybe he is feeling you don't care so why should he. Guys are easy to please and women do have all the power. I think even good marriages go through times like this and it is the bond of marriage that keeps them together and helps weather the storm.
Its not that I think he does not care, I know that he would prefer for us to be together and that he loves me. But do you love someone just because they love you? I am not feeling him. And we are not married just living in sin for the past 11 years. I dont treat him bad, I just am not attracted to him any more. I mean he has not worked for the past 3 years and I have not put him out and even though I am telling him that i am not in love with him I still will not ask him to leave without him having some where else to go. I dont hate him. But I honestly think that I started the relationship for the wrong reasons (which I will not go into now) I did not realize it back then, but I do now.
you sound like you are being a bit selfish to me, because of what you want you are destroying the lives of three other people. Life is not always about what you want but what is the right thing to do. You made two kids that should have two parents that try to get along. Look at the example you are setting for them.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but after 29 years of marriage and raising two boys I know life is not always rosy and if it had been about me I would have walked out several times.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but after 29 years of marriage and raising two boys I know life is not always rosy and if it had been about me I would have walked out several times.
What are you looking for meekie? You are looking for a relationship where there is spark but that doesn't last 11 years. You have to constantly work at it. The next relationship you get into will be the same. You will have that passion in the beginning and then it will fade. But it looks like you have already made up your mind. I don't know what you are looking for people to say.
you are married! you have taken vows that is completely different than shacking up! Getting along does not necessarily mean living together. The right thing to do also would have been for us to be married prior to getting kids and we have not done that either. and the kids are now 6 and 7. Whether we are together or not they still have 2 parents that does not change the fact. What kind of example am I setting living out of wedlock?
Having no spark is expected. But to be numb to the situation is not. Completely turned off and not interested is not normal. If every little thing that he does or says annoys me...that means what? We just need a weekend get away to get the sparks going again? I dont think so, the sex was never that great so I can understand that but there was a time that I overlooked that because I thought I was in love with him and it was worth it but I dont feel that way anymore. Its not about the sex its about me not feeling the same way about him I did before. I dont maybe its because he promised to marry me once he finds out if I can have kids or not so I did that still no ring. Who knows but this feeling did not just come over me yesterday. I know all relationships have highs and lows and they often pass. How long will it take this to pass? Why is it now that he has no job no place to stay ,nothing he wants to talk about marriage but when he had a good job and a house he was not ready to get married even though I had proven to him that I could have kids?
meekie, you have kids together. Regardless that is a commitment. You treat it the same as you do if you were married. Technically you are married because in the eyes of the law you have a commonlaw marriage. What would be the difference if you two were married? Would you all of a sudden be attracted to him? Would you try harder? To me children are more of a commitment than marriage. At least if you stay together, you remain with the father of your children. Better to be married to someone else? I'm trying to understand your logic.
maybe if we had taken those vows I will feel more obligated to make this work but under the circumstances I dont feel like I should.
So you are bitter because he didn't marry you? Well than why have kids with him? You have now added 2 little innocent lives into this.
common law is not recognized in the state of FL so no technically we are not. If he decides to pick up and leave today I am not entitled to anything as a wife would be. its not the same. Being married would not change my feelings but maybe I would try a little harder. Its like I'm being told to deny my feelings and just tuff it out. So if I get raped and keep the baby I should try to make a relationship with the father?
imy post states that he wanted to make sure that I was able to ahve kids first before getting married and proved it but we never got married so yes I guess I am some what bitter about that because I had to prove to him that I could have kids before he would so called make that committment and he never did.
Being raped is much different than a consentual (sp.?) relationship don't you think? I mean that's an awful comparison. You are the one who had kids first with him, he didn't force you into anything and now you want people to feel bad for you because you have a great man that you just don't feel it for because the sex isn't good. You shouldn't try to work harder because you are married, you should try to work hard because you share children. They will be the ones truly affected here. But I guess they don't count at all. I just think you are looking for something that doesn't exist. All relationships are work. But we live and we learn. Just know the grass isn't greener on the other side.
meekie, I think it's entirely possible that you are numb because he won't get out and work, and he's lost your respect and also you realize that it's been a mistake and not respectable to just live together forever and create kids with no marriage.
Hats off to you, really. I think you're fed up with this and realize this isn't how to live respectably.
I hope somehow something comes together for you.
Hats off to you, really. I think you're fed up with this and realize this isn't how to live respectably.
I hope somehow something comes together for you.
I don't know I guess for me, working hard at a relationship because you have children is more important than letting it go because the person refused to marry me.
How about if the person also refused to work? I'd be at the end of my tether and not really "feeling it" after two years too.
Oh that's for sure. I think that he's obviously comfortable in their situation and that would drive me insane also. There is a lot going on in this relationship. If you go back and read some of her previous posts, it's more than she's stating here.
There is a huge difference between being raped and lying down and spreading your legs willingly. How about being nice and try to be loving until the youngest is 18, up and out, then go do what you want, you owe it to them unless he is abusive and addict.
You can also tell you are tired of being treated like and unpaid w hore and he is not getting any more milk until he buys the cow.
No I am not calling you a cow.
You can also tell you are tired of being treated like and unpaid w hore and he is not getting any more milk until he buys the cow.
No I am not calling you a cow.
meekie, I'm curious, did you have the affair with your ex when your bf lost his job or was that before? Perhaps he's depressed or is just reacting to what happened. It's hard to get motivated when the woman you love cheats on you and isn't interested in having sex with you.
if was after he lost his job yes. Which I was understanding in the beginning and instead of staying here and workign together on this, he decided to refinance his house and take out all the money and go back home to Jamaica to try and start a business. He left me for a year basically with the kids alone while he tried to start a business in Jamaica he stopped paying the mortgage and decided that the house will go into foreclosure. He had $100,000.00 and I did not receive a dime not even for the kids. Now the business did not work out and he is back broke and wants me to understand again that he is trying. There is a lot of resentment here.
I really dont want anyone to feel bad for me here, I am not looking for pitty. I am basically asking am I wrong for feeling this way? Is this normal? Is this something that will just work itself out in time? I feel like I am not getting any younger and if I am truly not happy in this relationship then I should do something about it. Like all relationships we have our issues so its not like he is the perfect guy and Im just not feeling him
No pity here, yes you are wrong in the fact you need to be thinking of your kids first and their need for a two parent home. Again, try being a loving person and also tell him you want to go to the JP in the morning and become his wife, legally.
Have you even tried communicating with him your unhappiness? I think he was trying to make a life for you and the kids by attempting to start a business. I don't see that as a bad thing. I understand your resentment and bitterness but all that can get worked through. Again, if you're not willing to work on it than leave but he will always be part of your life since you two share children. We all have our moments of bitterness and resentment because all relationships have their issues. It's how you work through those feelings that make a difference. But if you don't feel like putting in the effort than again, you can leave.
Ok, so basically if I act like I love him and marry him then my feelings will change?
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