Aa
Losing my family
I have been married for 3 yrs. I'm in the military and I'm gone all the time. I must confess I wasn't the perfect husband I became distant to my wife and kids before my second deployment to Iraq. During that deployment my wife left me and had sex with several men. After the first deployment I continued my way's on the internet. I guess you could call them affairs. I never met any one of the net while I was with my wife. And I stopped the affairs once I was married. I have never cheated on my wife. Nor would I. She say's I have a problem and that I need to fix it with medical help. She wanted me to change into the man I was when she met me. We now have to children and I'm on my 3rd deploment and she wants to leave me again. She insist on having male friends and I believe they are the cause of all of this. And she is addicted to the internet. Keep in mind I am deployed. I want to know what could I possibly do to stop this divorce. I love her and my kids to no extent and would do n e thing for them. I think I should give her the space she needs to cool off and think about what she is doing....What do you think??
be careful with "combat related PTSD" a new law just passed that makes it illegal for soldiers (past/present + future ones) to own gunsin the us if they are diagnosed with "combat-related" PTSD. you can shoot foreigners as a us soldier; but can't even touch a gun as a civilian. can you say, the VA will have no more cases of PTSD as a disability? wow.
Thank you all so much for all of your thoughts. and it is my pleasure to serve this great country. I wrote my wife a long e-mail last night. And a good letter today. I'm working on opening up to her. I believe that is what she wants also. I hope she listens and understands what I write and say. And that I'm telling her the truth.
I hate myself for letting this problem control me and now look where it has gotten me. I have bottled up so many emotion inside of myself for so many years. And it seems when I would argue with my wife they would all get released like little demons. And she would take the brunt of all of my frustrations. That is never what I intended to do. I never meant to hurt her or the kids. I know all of this will take time anf that nothing ever gets fixed overnight. I willng to go the distance on this one. I was a very bad person. I had a terrible anger problem.
I would liketo thank rebels hubby for you thoughts on all of ths. It is nice to hear from people that have gone thru the same things as myself. You are right I have never listened to her. I herd everything she has said but never listened. Now that I know what I have been doing. I can fix all of this. I judt wish there was way to fix the past or erase certain things. I have forgiven her for her flaws and mistakes she has made. But she can't or won't fogive me. Why does she hold onto things that hurt her? I guess the reason she pours all of her thoughts onto men on the internet is cause she feel s that I'm not listening. And she thinks the guys on the net are. I used to be one of those guys I know who they are and what they want. They know she is married so they think they can't get in and out easy. I trust my wife and she says shes in cntrol of those situations. And I believe her. I just wish I would of listened better so she would feel that she can open up to me....
I hate myself for letting this problem control me and now look where it has gotten me. I have bottled up so many emotion inside of myself for so many years. And it seems when I would argue with my wife they would all get released like little demons. And she would take the brunt of all of my frustrations. That is never what I intended to do. I never meant to hurt her or the kids. I know all of this will take time anf that nothing ever gets fixed overnight. I willng to go the distance on this one. I was a very bad person. I had a terrible anger problem.
I would liketo thank rebels hubby for you thoughts on all of ths. It is nice to hear from people that have gone thru the same things as myself. You are right I have never listened to her. I herd everything she has said but never listened. Now that I know what I have been doing. I can fix all of this. I judt wish there was way to fix the past or erase certain things. I have forgiven her for her flaws and mistakes she has made. But she can't or won't fogive me. Why does she hold onto things that hurt her? I guess the reason she pours all of her thoughts onto men on the internet is cause she feel s that I'm not listening. And she thinks the guys on the net are. I used to be one of those guys I know who they are and what they want. They know she is married so they think they can't get in and out easy. I trust my wife and she says shes in cntrol of those situations. And I believe her. I just wish I would of listened better so she would feel that she can open up to me....
First off, I want to say Thanks for what you are doing for our country. That is from a Veteran who knows what it is like to live the mlitary life. I also know what it is like to be in your shoes as far as relationships go.
BOTTOM LINE, actions do speak louder than words. You must demonstrate your love and being long distance only means you need to be more creative. Write letters telling her what is going on inside of you, this will do a couple of things, it will help you deal with the things going on inside of you and it will help her to see the same and it won't be a conversation, just you pouring out what is inside. You could even make a video taped conversation for her. Whatever you do, don't stop communication with her for any reason, she doesn't need time to "cool off", she needs to feel a connection with you and that will only happen if YOU connect with her. You shared alot here, on this forum. Maybe copy it and email it to her, that would be a start, just don't let it end with that. She needs to know what is going on inside of you, you owe her that much. You did say 'for better or worse' right? You need to open up even if it is what you told us here on the forum.
Show her that you love her by tearing down the walls you have built up around yourself and let her in.
I thought that I needed to become the person I was, but that is not it. I neede to become a better person, more open, loving, caring, sharing. I have had PTSD for 22- 1/2 years, it is not a good reason to deny others of your feelings. We men like to retreat to our "Caves", keeping everything in, thinking that if no one else knows then it won't hurt them. Funny thing is, it doesn't hurt them to know what is really going on inside of us, but it does hurt them if we hide and don't tell.
Combat is physically and mentally demanding, a relationship is emotionally demanding. You need to fight the good fight. I know also that by being involved in combat, most people will close off thier emotions, there are too many really ugly things going on that you do not want to deal with on a personal level. Don't let that feeling carry over into your own personal life, she deserves to have all of you, right down to any deep, dark and painful things you keep inside.
Sharing with her will build that respect back up, it takes time but will happen, and it will help you deal with who you are. If you love her 1/2 as much as you say, then she deserves to know who you are and what is inside of you. Once you get that out, you can start to be a complete partner, one that both you and her will respect.
Open up and you will find your communication skills are just fine, no need to work on them, but take that energy and apply it to your listening skills. Rember that you cannot listen to someone when you cannot hear over your own voice, crying out. Be strong, be brave, we know you can already do those things, just apply them to the one who really matters. The Military, or a carreer are short time stints in our lives, a solid relationship built on trust, respect and commitment are forever.
Feel free to either post here or message me directly, I am only too happy to help a fellow brother.
What do you say Sargeant.
BOTTOM LINE, actions do speak louder than words. You must demonstrate your love and being long distance only means you need to be more creative. Write letters telling her what is going on inside of you, this will do a couple of things, it will help you deal with the things going on inside of you and it will help her to see the same and it won't be a conversation, just you pouring out what is inside. You could even make a video taped conversation for her. Whatever you do, don't stop communication with her for any reason, she doesn't need time to "cool off", she needs to feel a connection with you and that will only happen if YOU connect with her. You shared alot here, on this forum. Maybe copy it and email it to her, that would be a start, just don't let it end with that. She needs to know what is going on inside of you, you owe her that much. You did say 'for better or worse' right? You need to open up even if it is what you told us here on the forum.
Show her that you love her by tearing down the walls you have built up around yourself and let her in.
I thought that I needed to become the person I was, but that is not it. I neede to become a better person, more open, loving, caring, sharing. I have had PTSD for 22- 1/2 years, it is not a good reason to deny others of your feelings. We men like to retreat to our "Caves", keeping everything in, thinking that if no one else knows then it won't hurt them. Funny thing is, it doesn't hurt them to know what is really going on inside of us, but it does hurt them if we hide and don't tell.
Combat is physically and mentally demanding, a relationship is emotionally demanding. You need to fight the good fight. I know also that by being involved in combat, most people will close off thier emotions, there are too many really ugly things going on that you do not want to deal with on a personal level. Don't let that feeling carry over into your own personal life, she deserves to have all of you, right down to any deep, dark and painful things you keep inside.
Sharing with her will build that respect back up, it takes time but will happen, and it will help you deal with who you are. If you love her 1/2 as much as you say, then she deserves to know who you are and what is inside of you. Once you get that out, you can start to be a complete partner, one that both you and her will respect.
Open up and you will find your communication skills are just fine, no need to work on them, but take that energy and apply it to your listening skills. Rember that you cannot listen to someone when you cannot hear over your own voice, crying out. Be strong, be brave, we know you can already do those things, just apply them to the one who really matters. The Military, or a carreer are short time stints in our lives, a solid relationship built on trust, respect and commitment are forever.
Feel free to either post here or message me directly, I am only too happy to help a fellow brother.
What do you say Sargeant.
Went and saw the doc today and found out I do have moderate depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I am currently taking Zoloft to help with the depression. And will go to classes every week for the next year for the anger issues and how to deal with them. To tell you the truth I feel better already just knowing what is wrong with me. Now I need to focus on fixing it. I plan on working on the communication and my listening skills as well. For me to be the person I was before I need to fix myself. I was told the the reason for the PTSD was a tramatic expierence from the first war probably. Cause that is when all of this happened. I never wanted a divorce it was just a way for me to distance myself from her even more. Now how do I take the divorce thing back? How do I fix that? Or can I....
I'm completely in love with my wife and i love my kids. How do I show her I'm changing and getting better. Gifts don't work. And telling her doesn't work either. She needs to see progress. Think I should give her some to cool off??? If she wants to talk she can contact me right?? When she is ready. I feel that things will get better over time. But I want signs now and I know I can't get them. So what happens from here. Thank you all for responding...
I'm completely in love with my wife and i love my kids. How do I show her I'm changing and getting better. Gifts don't work. And telling her doesn't work either. She needs to see progress. Think I should give her some to cool off??? If she wants to talk she can contact me right?? When she is ready. I feel that things will get better over time. But I want signs now and I know I can't get them. So what happens from here. Thank you all for responding...
my husband also has PTSD. I asked him to write to you too. sometimes still we communicate better through e-mails than speaking to each other. he clams up, i get resentful and then say hurtful things to him. but in writing it in an e-mail I have to tak my time in what i want to say to him and he seems to do the same. this way we are communicating/discussing the issues at hand. I have often told my hubby something similar to what your wife said, "i love you, but just don't like you very much right now." Again, that respect thing is a biggy: if a wife has no respect for her hubby that is constantly focused on himself and his personal issues, how can she find that love he is asking for? he's not catering to her emotional needs so she can't see beyond his neglect of her to love him.
you could try letting her read your posts to show her how deep your love goes. I understand that PTSD is a big deal, but really can't accept that (from my hubby) as a justified reason why I should stay with him if he's neglecting me. And i'd refuse to help himthrough it if he hadn't been there for me in a long time. he would need to give me something to hold onto, something I could really sink my emotions into and feel connected with him once again. only then would i be able to help him. but he'd make the first step._rebel
you could try letting her read your posts to show her how deep your love goes. I understand that PTSD is a big deal, but really can't accept that (from my hubby) as a justified reason why I should stay with him if he's neglecting me. And i'd refuse to help himthrough it if he hadn't been there for me in a long time. he would need to give me something to hold onto, something I could really sink my emotions into and feel connected with him once again. only then would i be able to help him. but he'd make the first step._rebel
I think another long talk is in order but it's so difficult being away. I understand why you distanced yourself before deployment but do you understand now how that probably damaged the marriage to some extent?
I think if you pour it all out there going back to 2003 saying why you distanced yourself, and that the war and being overseas has really taken an emotional and physical toll on you which no one but the men and women over there can understand. Acknowledge that you know it's changed you and that you are wanting and willing to work as hard as you have too to get yourself back to who you really are as a husband and father.
I know you want your wife to understand but really it's so very difficult for the person at home to fully know what the traumas of serving overseas can do. I suggest you ask her that the minute you get back you two both go into counselling and you yourself alone too to deal with your personal issues like the PTSD. What's going to have to happen is you need to prove to her how much you want this to work and I don't know if that can happen when you are in Iraq and she is back in America.... but if you tell her every day you love her and the kids and want it to work maybe she will believe in things again and want to try too.
A very difficult position and I am so sorry you've had to go through this. Please keep yourself safe and hopefully the wife will be there to support you when you get back.
I think if you pour it all out there going back to 2003 saying why you distanced yourself, and that the war and being overseas has really taken an emotional and physical toll on you which no one but the men and women over there can understand. Acknowledge that you know it's changed you and that you are wanting and willing to work as hard as you have too to get yourself back to who you really are as a husband and father.
I know you want your wife to understand but really it's so very difficult for the person at home to fully know what the traumas of serving overseas can do. I suggest you ask her that the minute you get back you two both go into counselling and you yourself alone too to deal with your personal issues like the PTSD. What's going to have to happen is you need to prove to her how much you want this to work and I don't know if that can happen when you are in Iraq and she is back in America.... but if you tell her every day you love her and the kids and want it to work maybe she will believe in things again and want to try too.
A very difficult position and I am so sorry you've had to go through this. Please keep yourself safe and hopefully the wife will be there to support you when you get back.
I call everyday and before every patrol. We think I have PTSD and that would explain why i am the way i am. I do not want to loose her and the kids. I have made plenty of mistakes in our marriage and until this point I never realized what I was doing. It helps me to read things rather than her tell me. I usually blow her off cause I somtimes don't want to listen. Last night we talked on here for 3 hours about what I was going thru. I read alot about PTSD on the internet. And one main cause is being in stressful situations constantly. I'm an Infantry squad leader so that mean i'm responsible for not only my life but the lives of 8 other men. She said she loes bt is not in love with me. What should I do about this? I was in another place when I got back from my first deployment. Which was in 2003 during the initial invasion. When I got back from that deployment that is when she said I changed. I treated her like **** and wasn't respectful. I didn't help out with the new baby before I left and I told her that mabe this wasn't working and I was thinkning of a divorce. But now I am far from it. I love her more now than I ever have. I just can't see myself without her. And when I left for the second time I distance myself from the entire family thinkning it would be easier on me. But in truth it was harder on her. I just want to make her happy. I'm going to the oc today to see what I can do about this PTSD or depression. I have been in denial for so long. I just want her to see I am trying.
wow, you're in one tough spot. I grew up a military brat, then married one, so it's from this perspective that I am speaking. I know when my hubby deployed it was tough, any TDY is tough and you've had 3 deployments to iraq... women don't really want space, i can say that, space is what drove her into the arms of another man (men)... i always told my hubby if I or he ever strayed on our marriage that the other spouse would have to take some responsibilty for the affair. I mean if she were completely happy she would be faithful. Unfortunately we actually put this theory to the test. I was surprised when i thought my marriage was over (and was OK with that thought at the time because I was so unhappy) HE took blame and said the reason i strayed was because he was not doing his job as a husband. you know this was not expected- and wa probably the ONLY thing he could have told me that would have made me give the marriage a second chance... I mean, I had an affair, in my mind the marriage was over, not to mention I had a man telling me, "leave him, I'll love you forever and take better care of you than he did"...
my complaint was the same as your wife's and the reason why i strayed, my hubby had changed and was not the man i married, i had lost respect for him. i was excited to see that "greener grass on the other side of the fence". luckily it worked for us, but that is due to HIM, i wanted to leave, he asked me to try once more, took resp for the affair and never mentioned the affair for years. we have been married now for 13+ yrs.
if she's happy with you and continually happy with you her "male friends" will dissapear, i suspect right now they give her something emotionally that you haven't. you can still cater to her emotional needs even though you're far away. you've got internet. can u call her more? write letters... when my hubby deployed i would write him a letter everyday, and although he wrote only a couple times, he called constantly, it really meant the world to me, to this day i remember vividly the conversations we had.
my complaint was the same as your wife's and the reason why i strayed, my hubby had changed and was not the man i married, i had lost respect for him. i was excited to see that "greener grass on the other side of the fence". luckily it worked for us, but that is due to HIM, i wanted to leave, he asked me to try once more, took resp for the affair and never mentioned the affair for years. we have been married now for 13+ yrs.
if she's happy with you and continually happy with you her "male friends" will dissapear, i suspect right now they give her something emotionally that you haven't. you can still cater to her emotional needs even though you're far away. you've got internet. can u call her more? write letters... when my hubby deployed i would write him a letter everyday, and although he wrote only a couple times, he called constantly, it really meant the world to me, to this day i remember vividly the conversations we had.
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