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Love my BF, but I'm a sex addict...
Okay, here goes. I'm 20 hears old. I lost my virginity when I was 15. I wasn't really ready. But after that I became obsessed with having sex. I have been married, going through a divorce now. I have an almost 3 year old daughter. I can't stop having sex. And I have problems being faithful. I enjoy sex and with multiple partners. I have several boyfriends at the moment, one who stays with me every night. He has no idea that I am sleeping with 3 or 4 other guys as well as him. I am stupid and don't always use protection, which worries me about STD's. Thankfully no problems with that. But I don't know what to do. My psychiatrist tells me I have a sex and love addiciton and to join a group, but where I live there is only 1 in the entire state and is several hours from where I live. I love my BF and we want to get married. I can honestly say no man has ever treated me the way he does. Sex for us is good, so why isn't that enough? I know it is not normal. But what kind of help can I get to change. Over the past 5 years since I lost my virginity I have been with over 30 different men, and I say men because they have all me much, much older than me. My BF had to go to AR to be with his daughter over New Years and I went to a dance with a friend and went home with a guy from Honduras, we had sex and then when he went to sleep and I woke up and didn't find him I had sex with his cousin who had showed interest in me when I first got to their house. I don't seem to know how to take control of these situations and not have sex when I'm aroused. Any suggestions?
Just my two cents - as I have been reading up on sex addiction (my own) I find it to be incredibly complicated. This thread is 3 years old, so maybe you have resolved your problem, or maybe it has killed you - who knows?
I just hope you realize how powerful this addiction is. The first step is to stop the denial, stop the lies, and face the truth. There are many on-line and phone resources for help, many are free.
Also, you need to make a committment to stop all sexual addiction behaviors today. Finally, I can't agree with the psychiatry resident who said the solution is masturbation. I'm not an expert but sex with anyone except a monogamous, loving relationship is not helpful. There is some debate about this but her advice doesn't mention that, and it is an abuse of her authority as a physician and a psychiatrist (in training) to prescribe a behavior that may be part of the problem.
So, keep working and learning - you can get their eventually.
I just hope you realize how powerful this addiction is. The first step is to stop the denial, stop the lies, and face the truth. There are many on-line and phone resources for help, many are free.
Also, you need to make a committment to stop all sexual addiction behaviors today. Finally, I can't agree with the psychiatry resident who said the solution is masturbation. I'm not an expert but sex with anyone except a monogamous, loving relationship is not helpful. There is some debate about this but her advice doesn't mention that, and it is an abuse of her authority as a physician and a psychiatrist (in training) to prescribe a behavior that may be part of the problem.
So, keep working and learning - you can get their eventually.
Usually the addiction to sex is not the sex itself but the feeling of being wanted, needed and loved. This is a vicious cycle, the more sex you will get from multiple partners, the less the rush and the more you feel unloved and unwanted. Your problems stem from insecurity, loneliness and I would guess that you have had a background of abuse, whether that be emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse. Children learn from their environment and how they have been raised. Something in your environment growing up caused you to feel insecure, unloved and lonely. Deep down, what you are really craving is affection, love and someone who finds you worthy. The problem is, you don't find yourself worthy. When you look in the mirror, you see your flaws. This will not change if you get married, it won't heal by finding that magic guy and it won't help having children. The way to take away the pain is to first acknowledge what it is that hurt you so deeply, allow yourself time to grieve over whatever it was, understand that your pain is stemming from something that you most likely had no control over as a child (which makes you more controlling over your environment as an adult, but--you do things that are out of control as much as you want control over it) and you do need to address the root problems rather than the effects right now of those problems. Your BF needs to know everything. And, you probably need time apart from him while you address these things. I would get a counselor involved or a church pastor--someone who will address your root issues. Someone has failed you in your life. Maybe it was a male figure in your life. You will always be trying to fill this hole in your heart. Sex won't do it and deep down you know that. But, you can get beyond it, you can overcome this and you can be a much stronger person. Get counseling, address those issues, change your behavior by putting new behaviors in place (i.e. if you know certain things trigger you finding men or looking for me, you have to stop going to those places), get yourself into activities that will work on you being healthy--work out, join a fitness group or ladies group or do a creative project that you are interested in and really spend time with your daughter. She will repeat your pattern if you don't stop it for yourself now. She too will sleep with every man that comes along, will feel insecure and will long to be loved and protected and cared for just as you do now.
What you are suffering from is less of an addiction and more of a wound. You have been hurt and you are trying to heal that wound, but instead, you keep cutting yourself deeper and deeper. Get some help, have someone you are accountable to (who will help you through this) and don't make any big life decisions right now. Take it one day at a time. You can overcome this.
What you are suffering from is less of an addiction and more of a wound. You have been hurt and you are trying to heal that wound, but instead, you keep cutting yourself deeper and deeper. Get some help, have someone you are accountable to (who will help you through this) and don't make any big life decisions right now. Take it one day at a time. You can overcome this.
why are you using an old thread? open a new one if you need help. if you seriously feel this desperate why havent you called a therapist? gone to a psych hospitol? i feel for you i do. i think you know what needs to be done, you just have to get over the fear and do it.
My addition to sex is tearing my life apart I have a boyfriend and I love him very much he just wouldn't understand if I told him I am 56 years old and have the sex drive of an 18 year old yes It depresses me to the point of wanting to kill myself I am barly hanging on don't know what else to do
I really don't have much more to add to these great suggestions. You mentioned God. Do you believe that He loves you enough to heal you from your past hurts and your present problems? Well He does care and He wants you to tell Him everything(He already knows everything anyway)Have a personal relationship with Him, ask for help and guidance. Do you go to church? Some churches have groups for addictions of many kinds. Call around, see what you can find in your area. If you find 1 person that is recovery from these addictions maybe they would be willing to start a group in your area. Should be an all female group to be on the safe side. You are not a bad person, you are ill and have already taken the first step of admitting you have a problem. Your daughter may not see what you are doing in the night but people may say things when she is around. Kids do hear things even when you think they are not paying attention. You must break this cycle(with professional help)or she will continue it. Pray, pray alot!
Hi: This is my second post in this forum, so I thought I would provide my personal and oppinion ( 2nd year psychiatry resident )..Like I wrote before on my first post to the other girl having a simmilar problem than yours. Sex addiction is an emotional illness and sometimes it is a shield against depression, sex is just a tool that we use to satisfy our need for companionship sometimes.. your shrink is right in suggesting that you join a group, I think first you must work in what is causing you to have an increased sex drive, a therapist or support group can help you get to the source of the problem. I was also a sex addict ( there is not a single female nurse where I work that that I have not....)but I am working to correct my problem because I recognize I also have one. Also you are exposing yourself to STD's and exposing your partner as well, as I suggested before besides therapy the use of an artifical pleasure device ( DILDO ) could satisfy your sexual needs. There is nothing wrong with that and think about it, as I said the other person, you would not be exposing yourself to anything dangerous like sleeping with people you never met before. Any psychiatrist would probably prescribe you an anti-depressant medication as it seems depression is the source of your problem, but not medicine in the world will work for you until you decide to put a stop to the behavior that is causing all this. Just my 2 cents....
"I need a change, but I don't know how to do it."
Simple. You come up with a plan of action and stick to it. For instance your first one could be:
"If my boyfriend leaves out of town, I will have my friends come over to my place instead of going out".
Simple. You come up with a plan of action and stick to it. For instance your first one could be:
"If my boyfriend leaves out of town, I will have my friends come over to my place instead of going out".
Very important: if you aren't going to tell your boyfriend the truth, then you need to make sure you both use protection. Please do not put him at risk and please get checked out for STD's, including HIV in 3 months and then retested in another 3 months.
Thanks everyone. I'm still deciding what to do with my boyfriend and the other guys. For now, I'm going to stay with just him and stop going out. I was never like this when I was married, I chilled then, once he was gone it started again and worse than ever. I never imagined when I was a little girl that I would grow up to be like this, this is not what God created me to be. I need to start thinking with my head instead of, well you know. It's not fair to anyone, myself, my boyfriend, my daughter. I need a change, but I don't know how to do it.
There is nothing wrong with loving sex. However, you cross some moral borders when you cheat and dont use your head when sleeping with multiple partners. For one, STD risks come into play here. You must really use your head when sleeping with multiple partners. If one infects you with an STD, you become the breeding ground spreading the infection to others. Two, you are playing with these guys' heads (the one you sleep with daily); really thats morally wrong by any standard. I won't judge you, thats not my place; only god can judge you. However, you should take a look in the mirror at yourself; look at what you are doing. If promiscuity is the life for you, then so be it. But use your head to start, use protection, and be straight up with these men you are seeing. Don't get into a relationship if you cant handle commitment. If you think it is an emotional problem, psychological one, get some help from a sex therapist.
Some thoughts:
Instead of just breaking up with your boyfriend, why don't you tell him the truth ? He will either decide to leave you (which would happen in the first place if you broke up with him) or he would support you. Either way, he deserves to know the truth.. because his health is at stake here. He may break up with you, but still remain a friend and help support you through this.
You obviously need support. Do you have any trustworthy FEMALE friends that you can talk to about this ? If not, have you checked for any online support groups for sex addiction ?
What you can do right now to help you is when you feel insecure, do whatever it takes to replace that insecure feeling with love and security. Talk to a friend -- instead of going out with your friend, invite her (shouldn't be any guys there I'm thinking) and do something at your house instead of going out. Or you could go online and post in here or another support group. Do whatever is necessary and remember why you are doing it. (your child, your self worth and your dignity)
Take charge of your life. This addiction is your enemy and you are the only person who can overcome it. Don't give in to your feelings when you feel alone & insecure. Replace those feelings with good feelings instead and do things that make you feel good about yourself.
Sounds like a roller-coaster life for everyone. I heard that the experience of rape can drive some victims to get themselves into a mad repetition of rather unemotional sexual encounters which could be interpreted as being a sex addict, similar to what has been said above. Even if that is a way of healing for you - which I honestly doubt, and regardless of your boyfriend`s feelings - it harbours so many dangers for yourself but also for your daughter. There are so many creeps out there who target single mothers to get access to their kids. You may be in a relationship now and have all the family network as a background, but with each night you leave your daughter in someone else`s care you will know less and less of what is going on in her little soul, no matter how much you love her. Another thread went on and on about masturbation. That`s a safe compromise for sex addicts until they know how to sort it all out. Tough to do at 20, I know, but take a break from it all and come up with some damage control program. You`ll be proud of yourself later.
Everyone is right. I do it most when I feel unsecure, helpless, upset. Just like New Year's Eve. I was doing much better when I was in therapy, but now I have no insurance and I am the sole supporter of my daughter so I cannot afford to pay cash. It's not easy to be like this, I worry everyday about the consequences of my actions. I'm not like most 20 year olds, I am responsible wiht my jobs, money, etc. This is the one thing in my life I cannot control. The rape and sodomy affected me a lot. And whoever said my daughter knows I'm not there at night is right. I want to leave my BF, I don't want to hurt him emotionally. Everytime I try to break it off he tells me how incomplete he feels without me and that he loves me and wants to get married. I is aware of the cheating and my past and doesn't care. He sees what is really inside me. That's why I can't understand why I am so darn stupid. I'm not a stupid person, I taught myself to speak Spanish while I was with my ex-husband, I can learn things at the drop of a hat, all execpt this. I am going to look into getting a different job with insurance, because I need to get back into therapy. Like I said, the only group here in my state is almost 3 hours away.
I am also concerned about this boyfriend. He does'n't know it, but his life is at risk as well.
I think sex addition is just like any other addiction (even eating). Of course even if you have an eating disorder, your life will eventually also become threatened. With sex addiction, the way I understand it is when the addict feels powerless, they go out and try to fix that feeling by having sex. Afterwards, they feel powerless again. Correct me if you think I'm wrong, mami2karina. So knowing this, I think this is the place to start... realizing that you can have power by making better choices for yourself and your loved ones.
you would be surprised what children see, hear, or know. i think mslkspage had great adivce in finding a councelor. if you do it in the house your child lives in, you are putting her and your family at risk. you say you dont know these men. they could follow you home, and i dont even want to say what. you can get a disease that is a life sentance. i have read there is no such thing as sex addiction, only that it is used because of other problematic situations. maybe you cant control yourself while you are out, so dont go out! if you truely want to help yourself and your daughter (since she is your whole life) maybe you need to check into somewhere for a time that allows you to have more of a controlled environment. i know you didnt like what some had to say, but its hard to hear what those on the outside sometimes have to say. it will be up to you, only you, to get the real help you need. id rather not read about you in the news lying dead in a field with your limbs chopped off. you just never know!
You need to get help now!
You are harming your daughter, you don't think she knows mommy is off at night? I guarantee you that she does.
You are an addict, no different than someon who smokes crack. Your lifestyle is putting your very life at risk. If you get aids, what will happen to your child?
You need to grow up. I know you are only 20 and that most of us were idiots at that age, but you have a child depending on you.
Get help now.
You are harming your daughter, you don't think she knows mommy is off at night? I guarantee you that she does.
You are an addict, no different than someon who smokes crack. Your lifestyle is putting your very life at risk. If you get aids, what will happen to your child?
You need to grow up. I know you are only 20 and that most of us were idiots at that age, but you have a child depending on you.
Get help now.
I learned a little bit about sex addiction when I read the New York Times best seller, "The Seat of the Soul" by author Gary Zukav. If I remember right, Mr. Zukav also used to have a sex addiction.
People who are addicted to sex have power issues. And according to Zukav, sex addicts have more sex when they feel most insecure or threatened. Some of Zukav's advice is to ask yourself if what you are doing is worth losing your partner ? And is also worth losing your health ? If you continue your addiction, it will eventually cost you things that you hold most dear. Remember that you have the power of choice and like any other addict, you can walk yourself out of this step by step.
There are books, such as the one I mentioned above, that may be able to help you. I'm sure there are also online groups for sex addicts as well. I really hope you get treatment because this does affect your daughter... or it will eventually. Living with any person with an addiction has an effect on the family.
You need more help from your therapist. If there isn't a sex addiction group in your area, then ask for a referral to a counselor who has worked extensively with sexual assault victims. Even a counselor who works with sex offenders would be a better choice, although I don't recommend seeing her on the same days she works with the offenders (for several obvious reasons). I'm not trying to compare you to a sex offender, but registered sex offender therapists must complete extensive training, including cycles of sexual abuse, sexual assualt victims, and sexual addiction.
I am sorry to hear about what happened in your past- I also have a dark history with force but it never made me not say "no." You asked for suggestions and that is what was posted. This is just my personal opinion, but I think the only one who would be able to help you is God, and I do not mean that in a cynical, sarcastic way. He turned my life around in many ways, and I've seen his work in the lives of others. I would encourage you to check out his love letter to you- the bible- and see what he has to say about the subject and how to remedy the situation. While a psychiatrist can help you work thru issues that happened in your past, I think only God's love will heal your heart fully and help you get your behavior under control. I'd be more than happy to talk about this with you more, if you wish. Good luck :)
That is what I am trying to do that is why I posted this, not to be judged. I am a very good mother. I love her more than anything in this world and she is my only reason for living. The reason that I want to change. I do not want my daughter to grow up thinking that this is normal, even though she NEVER sees it thank you. The man I am with I honestly do love. But my damn hormones win every time. I don't know how to say no, I was raped and sodomized once when I said no and that kind of made me not want to say no anymore, wouldn't it you?
Real funny. My daughter is just fine. I live with my mother, grandmother, and younger brother. My daughter has slept with my grandmother since she was born, my ex-husband and I have rented with her for several years. So her life is not affected by this any way. Only mine. What I do is at night when the rest of the world is sleeping.
I must agree with the other poster. If you can not control yourself and take responsibility, you have no business raising a daughter. She is watching you and will learn that this behavior is okay. As for marrying your current boyfriend- you are cheating on him as well, and you think you deserve to marry him?! I know these are harsh words, dear, but read your post- it is ridiculous! You need to own up and make some changes- not only for your daughter's safety, but your own. Seeing a psychiatrist is a positive step- perhaps you should cut off all of your relationships with men for awhile and come to terms with why you are unable to be faithful and seek this kind of attention. You may have some serious underlying self-esteem issues- look for the root of the problem, don't just try to solve the consequential behavior- but work on that too.
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