Feelings there one day, gone the next.

[Celeste12]

Hi... New to the forum.

I've been seeing "N" for 4 months now.  At first, we took it slow... I was casually dating for the last 8 months or so after getting out of a few consecutive, really bad relationships.

The closer we got, the more my feelings started to grow for him - and his for me.  I started to feel really happy, and like I had found my soul mate.  I absolutely adored him.  Being with him felt like I was on top of the world.

However... every now and then we will talk about the future or commitment.  And almost right afterwards, I freak out.  I shut down, get nervous, start to feel like I don't really like him at all, I don't know if I should break up with him, etc.

The last time I felt this way, I was able to get past it.  I'm feeling it again, though.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to lose another great relationship, but I feel overwhlemed by anxiety and dread at the same time.

I've done this in past relationships and they have ended because of it.  I don't want to repeat the same pattern - or maybe I'm just with the wrong guys?  I don't know.  This one feels special, though.

[Celeste12]

I can definitely see the "picking the wrong men" thing, it often seems so much easier to date guys I know aren't going to go anywhere.  

I called and made a therapy appointment today.  It feels good to take a little control... thank you all.

[specialmom]

Well, that boyfriend may have been part of the bad relationship cycle that you mentioned.  Another way we stay noncommittal is to pick the wrong men.  I would give therapy another try and work on your patterns from the past and look at the core of your fear of committment.  And remembering that you are the one in control, not that inner fear is something you should seperate out.  Look at the fear as a seperate entitity from yourself and deal with it on its own.  Your actions do not have to answer to the fear-----  you are in control.  Awareness is so important to do that and a therapist should be able to help you.  BUT, you have to be motivated and willing to do some hard work.  goodluck

[Celeste12]

I know.  I'm going to call and set up an appointment with someone to talk today.  I was in therapy for this issue with my ex-boyfriend, I saw a therapist for 6 months and the issue never got any better and eventually my boyfriend broke up with me because he was tired of me pushing him away.

I don't want to lose this person, too.  He is a great person and has a giant heart and I really do care for him.  He is very good to me.  I am tired of not being able to maintain a normal relationship and beating myself up over it.

[mami1323]

Maybe take this time to figure yourself out.  Find out why it is that you couldn't really love him.  Like specialmom said, you need to figure out if this is just your natural defense mechanism or if he really wasn't the one for you.  I have been where you are at, not so much 4 months in but I have been so infatuated with them in the beginning that I confused it for love but it's not, it's lust.  But I would go one day really into the guy and then the next day I'm wondering if I really did like him.  I dated this one guy that I met in Puerto Rico on vacation.  We had such a good time over there, we would go swimming, we would talk and laugh and basically had a blast.  When we got back from vacation, we continued to date but I didn't like him as much.  I think the excitement of being away was what caught me and then when we got back to the real world I started seeing things that I didn't like.  He wouldn't call me as much or when we would talk on the phone, he seemed cold.  But then he dumped me and it's what I really wanted but I was sad.  About a week later I was already out clubbing and met my ex who I stayed with for 2 1/2 years too long...lol.  My point is, that sometimes the attraction to these men are just the beginning excitement and then when that wears off, you realize, you're not really into him as much as you thought.  Then you start questioning yourself.  But like you said, you do this with everyone, so I would delve into that a little.

[specialmom]

Well,  I think that I would strongly consider some individual therapy.  This is not the first time someone has felt as you have and a professional may be able to help you with it.  I don't know how old you are but am sure you don't want to live this way the rest of your life.  If you would like to have a healthy relationship and partnership with a man, you must examine why you subconsciously push it away.  And I don't know if this man is the right one or not.  4 months is not that long and you should still be getting to know him at this point as opposed to declaring him your future husband.  I really think it is okay for you to still be unsure.  If you look at the dating process as a continuem-----  you progress along the path as you get to know him better.  Sure, some people meet a person and committ right away and everything works out great, but the best option statistically for success is to take your time in the process.  So, I think you can still be gathering information about this man at 4 months while having all signs leaning torwards him being a good catch.  That he should not be insulted by.  (but I guess you also expressed that at times you feel nothing for him and that hurt his feelings .  .  .).  Anyway, I think that therapy would be a wonderful experience for you to get to know yourself better.  Even in a few sessions, you would probably be able to address this issue.  goodluck

[Celeste12]

Thank you guys for your responses.

I know that I'm a commitment phobe - It is a scary thing.

I talked with him last night and said I wasn't able to talk about the future... the conversation resulted in me telling him everything I felt - including not knowing if I really wanted to be with him.

He took it well at first, but later said that if I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him, then maybe this wasn't right.  He could deal with not talking about the future, but not with that.  I don't blame him.

I'm so sad.  I just want to be happy.  I felt so happy and in love last week, and this week, like it has all been taken away from me for no reason.  I don't know where we will even go from here.

Thanks again.

[specialmom]

Hi,  I think that some individual therapy may be helpful for you.  You can sort out if this issue is about your reluctance to committ and fear of failure within a relationship (or being "stuck" in one) or it is related to this relationship in itself.  There are people who absolutely sabotage a good relationship with damaged thinking.  

I agree with Judy that 4 months is a new relationship still in which you are learning about each other and if you are a good fit or not.  Don't focas so much on the future as finding out everything you can about him now.  Then you will better know if a future with him would be good.  

Good luck.  I think you are going to be able to figure this out and go on to have a successful, happy relationship with someone.  

[mami1323]

You are a commitment phobe.  It sounds like you get this thing where you feel like he's too good to be true.  It's from being in back to back toxic relationships that's got you feeling this way.  It's ok not to want to discuss so far in the future when your relationship is only 4 months in.  I mean it's nice to know you're with someone who wants to move forward but I do think it's too early to be pushing the future commitment card.  I like my relationships to take a slower pace but that's just me.  Even if I know that they are what I want, I just don't want to talk about it yet.  I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, do you see a future with him?  Feelings can't be forced either, it usually comes very naturally, you shouldn't have to convince yourself that he's the one.  So you really need to think if the feelings you have for him are real or if they are forced and whether it's just your anxiety biting you in your a$$.  

[Judy246]

It just means that you are not ready to be in an "exclusive, committed" relationship and it sounds as you are marriage phobic. Something has happened to you in your past to make you feel this way and I would hate to see you sabotage your happiness, but if you are not ready to get married, that's ok. You are just not ready. Four months is just too early for him to be discussing marriage, but there are so many people that would love to have their man give them hope for the future.

I recommend that you make it very clear to him on the status of your relationship with him. If it's just dating or exclusive, but tell him early on that at this point in time, you want to date or let the relationship develop on it's own, but that you at this point in time are not ready for any type of committment until you get to know the person better. In other words, not talk about marriage, so that you don't become phobic and possibly sabotage your own happiness. He just might not be the one for you also, only time will tell, but make it clear on what type of relationship you have, so that he doesn't get hurt or assume a level that will just not happen. Good Luck.