Mislead by the ex-boyfriend and crushed...what to do?

[txlonghrn08]

A little backup history:

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month and a half ago for various reasons (we had been together for a year and a half I'm 22 he's 23) and throughout that time we kept up communication, mostly through phone calls and text messages. He was upset about the breakup and wanted me back at the beginning but I just wasn't sure that he would start to make time for me and listen to my needs and what was important to me, so I told him that I loved him but that we were at different points in our lives and that we should cut all communication. I had also moved out of his house and moved back home 4 hours away, so it would be much more difficult to maintain our relationship.

Of course, he said that it would be too hard to stop contact with me since he still loved me so much, so I unfortunately kept talking to him. He would text me and tell me about his day and wish me goodnight frequently, and also mention that he loved me. So anyway, this past weekend was my birthday and after mentioning my desire to see him, he actually drove up 4 hours to spend time with me.

I thought it would be a great weekend and it was, HOWEVER he started acting like my boyfriend. Not only did he try to sleep with me (as all men do) but even after I had denied him the first time, he would continue to hold my hand, kiss me, cuddle with me, and tell me he loved me and missed me. He also spent lots of money on a birthday dinner and drinks... about $300 the entire weekend on me. He acted like the perfect gentleman and the guy that I had fallen in love with the first time. In addition, when people on the street asked if I was his girlfriend, he said yes and that we were celebrating my birthday.

The entire weekend with him felt so right and reminiscent of our first few months together as a couple and when he left I burst into tears. When he arrived home he told me what a great weekend he had and that he loved me. So, imagine my surprise when I called him later that night asked him how he felt about us trying to be together long distance. The response I got was "I dont know...." I was SO CONFUSED. The entire weekend he acted like my boyfriend, drove up 4 hrs each way to be with me for my birthday, and had wanted us to get back together when we first broke up and now he wanted absolutely NO COMMITMENT? Why on earth was he so affectionate then? And why did he take the time and the money to see a girl, he was no longer interested in having as a girlfriend?

After a few days, I just let it go. But he still kept texting me at night to tell me about his day and to say goodnight. One night it was even "Goodnight Love." I finally contacted him on the third day and told him how much it had hurt for him to mislead me like that. All he said was that he was sorry and that he still cared a lot for me and how seeing me brought back a surge of emotions that he "could not control."

Now I am SO ANGRY! How could he have done this to me? I feel like he filled my heart with so much joy and love only to step on it a few days later. I snapped at him and asked him how he could blatantly ignore how his misleading behavior would affect me and that I had feelings too! But all he said was that he knew I had feelings for him and that he had feelings for me too. Funny how the "I love you's" quickly turned into "feelings" for him.

I feel SO USED, especially since I did end up sleeping with him. How can someone tell you that they love you one day and the next refuse to establish any sort of commitment when they display such strong behavior to the contrary? Is it just me or is this guy, the biggest jerk ever? What kind of advice can you give me?  Should I appreciate him for being with me on my birthday or cut him out of my life completely for being so selfish?

[txlonghrn08]

Thanks for your comment. I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. It's really hard letting go but you're right. I do deserve to be with someone that appreciates and loves me all of the time, so do you. :)

[megochick101]

I'm sorry but i'm going to be a little harsh with you.

You allowed him to come celebrate your birthday with you, and you allowed him to treat you that way, and allowed him to spend the money on you even though you were not sure about renewing the relationship with him, and then you slept with him. i can see how misleading he was with you, but you allowed it by putting yourself in that situation. You didn't want to be with him and then spend the entire weekend with him in a romantic way?

YOU were also sending him mixed signals, first by breaking up and then STILL continuing to talk with him.  What is he supposed to think? You broke up with him, continued to tell him you didn't want a relationship BUT then you spend the weekend together? If that's not a mixed signal I don't know what is!

and NOW you're p*ssed at him because he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you when you yourself didn't want to pursue a relationship with him prior to that weekend? Do yuo hear yourself?? YOU are sending the same mixed signals he is!

And WHY should HE be remorseful? YOU broke up with him and then you continuously told him YOU didn't want a relationship, and then you go and sleep with him, he didn't force you to do it and YOU'RE the one who from the beginning of the break up who has been sending mixed signals, NOT HIM so you should be the one who is remorseful.

How is he supposed to know what you want?? You need to look at yourself and not put the blame on him.

[Michelle171]

Reading your post is so strange because I am literally in your situation - down to the point where I has my bday last weekend, my bf came up (who I hadn't spoken to in 2 weeks since we took a break), he was so affectionate and loving, and we ended up sleeping together, and he kept saying how good of a time he had, then I have barely heard from him since. He hasn't wanted to meet up or anything, its just gone back to nothing. I know if I called him he would say "i dont know" exactly like your ex - and exactly like he's said it many times before.

Sorry, I don't have any answers for you - I'm equally as confused! I just though, given how similar our situations are - sometimes its comforting to know you're not alone and that there are other people out there living exactly the same situation! Its confusing, and its horrible, but its nice to have some support. Not hearing from him, and not having the dedication and committment is a sign that he's not ready - and that may be a personal stage for him, or it may be a sign that you're not right for each other.

I would give him space, and take time out for yourself. From your post, it sounds like he does still love and care for you, but that he is confused about whether he wants a future with you - but cos he still loves you he still wants the affection, etc. Its so confusing to have someone love you and want to be with you, and not want the commitment. I think its up to you whether or not you decide to wait, and give him some space, or move on and see what happens in the future.

You deserve to feel loved, desired and appreciated all the time. I hope things work out for you XXX

[Judy246]

I'm sorry to hear that, and we will support you thought the aftermath ok. There is a season for everything and right now, it's not his time to be with you and that's ok, we can work on helping you get through it.   Judy

[txlonghrn08]

Thank you for all of your advice, Judy. It seems that he is really set on us being apart right now. For whatever reason, I don't know...but I now have to force myself to move on. :(
Hopefully, I can get over this pain soon.

[Judy246]

Ok, time for plan A. You are now aware that he paid you back for hurting him and leaving him.  You are going to have to put your emotion in check right now or they will make you dysfunctional and will debilitate you and you don't want that. You want want to look good, confident and not show that you are fearful, hurt or concern. I would call him and tell him that you had a great time and maybe you should get together this weekend and spend some quality time together. Express that you really care for him and look forward to seeing him again and take it from there.

Stop the fighting with him, because it's not going to resolve anything. Next time, "discuss" your concerns and issues...you will get better results than fighting with him. Fighting will only push him away. I would contact him and let him know that you would like to see him again...he will be flattered, BUT if you notice that he is behaving in a way that is intentional then stop, pull back and out and wait and see what happens...Judy

[txlonghrn08]

I feel like this is what he is doing. But also can't help but think that he has truly moved on and that his actions this weekend were to get me to sleep with him and inflate his ego. I don't know but I am so confused... I find myself switching from intense anger to extreme sadness and all I do is cry.

Yesterday I fought with him over this, but he seemed only slightly remorseful. I haven't heard from him at all today. Do you think that I should contact him or just let it go? I love him but I don't want to be played for a fool.  

[Judy246]

That's a man for you! (no disrespect to our great guys here :), I though you handle the break up graciously and right to the point and I applaud on that, BUT, YOU broke up with him, he wanted you back, but YOU were unsure if you wanted him back...now, he is paying you back with the same behavior and want to know, "how does it feel", not very nice. He want you to feel what he went through when you rejected him.  As they say, "payback is a *****".

I don't doubt that he loves you, because he spend your birthday and lot's of money on you and that speaks volumns, but you are the one who left, now he has paid you back!

Now you have to do some soul searching. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him" Are you ready for an exclusive relationship with him? Is this an opportunity to move forward with your life?....take time to just calm down and think.

If your answer is yes, you do love him, I'm sorry girl, but your are going to have to do some majoy a$$ kissing. Surprise him with a visit, look great for him, apologize for leaving and express your desire to work the relationship, because you love him. Right now, the ball is in his court....Judy