My BF keep asking me and i have nothing else TO SAY!!!

[Aimar]

Hey, well me and my bf been going out fo 5yrs and we recently got engaged, i have a problem that i been dealing with... i revealed to my bf that my stepdad molested me when i was 9yrs old... (I called the cops 3moths ago but for my sistercase) (hi is out of my family and out of this country) this happend 3moths ago... im still traying to get my family back to normal and me too. after i revealed to my bf my story he was first mad at me for not saying anyhing (now im 23yrs) for so long... its just hard for me, no one knows and i havent said anithyng to my mom... only my bf know and you guys... and well HE keeps asking me what happend, when, how,??? like all this questions like i dont want to talk about it.. and he thinks im hidding things from him... i dont know what to do anymore... im not proud of my past i hate my past but he keeps asking me details... He says he need to know and that i shount hide things from him.. i feel so bad, sad, like i just want my life back and just need him to just put it behind and never bring it back... what should i do??? he keeps asking and saying he has nightmare of me that i break up with him... and then he tells me to tell him whathappend... i tild him already i just dont want to think about it..



Helllppp please!!!!! thanks

[Aimar]

Thanks,

An i will keep an eye on, and dont ignore the red flags... he has not asked me anymore.. and thanks for the advices... i will keep them all in mind. i still dont feel comfortable to talk about it.. i mean i told him what whatppend and what he did to me... it was hard and sence then i havent really told him more... but yea is not right to keep asking me when its  very uncomfortable for me to talk about... thanks again and will see what happends.

[Ashelen]

Or he may be wanting to find out what her triggers are....there were times when my husband and I were in a new relationship that a sexual act would stimulate a memory and tweak me out... I told him pretty early into our relationship that I had spent years as a child being molested by my cousin so it wasn't a surprise, but finally one day after I had to run to the bathroom to vomit and shake because something we were doing was causing flashbacks, he just sat me down and said "tell me what happened to you. i need to understand you, and i need to know when to back off and what not to do".

turns out his biggest turn-on was oral sex...well..that (and certain types of porn) was my biggest trigger for bad memories...but telling him that it was something that set me off (he never asked for DETAILS, he just needed to know what sorts of things I might have trouble with) helped him learn when to back of and when to gently help me through something. now I can do almost 98% of normal sexual acts with my husband without flashbacks, but only because he was thoughtful enough to recognize those things that upset me and help me through them OR stop asking.


I would say that it's time to say "back off and let me have some space when it comes to the molestation issue. this is a fresh wound and I need to let it close before we start prodding it again" and then..IF...big IF..you ever feel comfortable, you can open up about what happened to you. I found that telling my husband was therapeutic...and it helped when we would be out in public and something would trigger me he was able to protect me and help me get over it..but he never pushed me for details or made me feel like I did something wrong. that would make me angry and raise some red flags...if you think that the ladies are misinterpreting his reaction, then you don't have anything to worry about...but I'd keep that possibility in the back of my mind if I were you.

[RockRose]

Aimar,  I wish you the best in deciding what to do.  

Your fiance is acting like men act when their  women cheat on them,  or if they suddenly find out their girlfriend has a long and sordid past with a lot of different boyfriends,  or has had a past sexual relationship with their best friend or something.  A consensual sexual relationship that is the choice of the girl.  

This is very unusual for him to have this curiosity that really comes off looking like jealousy - over assaults that happened to you as a child by your step dad.

Best wishes figuring out how to move on  and heal this.

[Aimar]

I dont think he means it that way...

But i see you guys point... maybe he just want to clear things out.. He just feel like im hidding things from him... but yea if something like would of happend to my bf i wount ask him or pressure him to tell me.. this is getting to wierd now... what should i do??? he is not a perve at all!!! he is a normal guy, i know his family and friends we met in high school and i can tell you there is nothing abnormal about him... i told him to cut it off or else this engagemt will END.

[RockRose]

teko,  I share your concern that you expressed in the middle of your post - why does he want all the details?

I'm going to say,  aimar,  you never hear that.  Boyfriends/fiances/husbands don't want to hear that kind of stuff,  they just want to ignore it and don't want any details and usually women want to talk it out.

I would be very,  very concerned about a man who wants to hear nitty gritty details of molestation.  

[teko]

Of course your bf wants to know the details and especially if you are contemplating marriage. Why? because sooner or later, therepy or no therepy this topic is going to affect your relationship and him being there for you and understanding will go a long way in helping you and him cope. The other thing that crossed my mind is why would he want details. Does the subject fascinate him? Disgust him? What is his demeanor when wanting this info? Girl you need therapy and dont let anyone tell you that you dont or wont cause eventually this will have to be handled in order for you to have a healthy, happy relationship that lasts and will also have to be handled in order for you to have a healthy normal relationship in light of your own children at that age and how you percieve their father? Put some thought to it.

[Vance2335]

I think your bf needs to back off some right now. I do agree with brice that you should seek a counselor to help you deal with everything because if you keep this hidden then it will do you no good. After some sessions with the counselor then maybe you can open up to your bf.

[Aimar]

Thansk for the reply,

Yea ive seen a therapist a couple of time and it has help somehow... An sometime i feel that he is better of with some other girl that is fresh and doesnt have garbage on her past... i tell him and he tell me that to stop saying that that he loves me but he just want me to be CLEAR with him.. what else can i say? nothing... i really love him but i dont want this thing to come up once we r marry... i DOnt hate my life just the situation. LIke my bf never liked my stepdad, he had a wierd felling tour him.. he was just polite to him but never liked him... and my bf says "Now I Know why i never liked him, just didnt know why" this is just so hard..  

[brice1967]

I am very sorry for what happened to you.  That must be very hard to deal with, but I do think letting your fiance know is pretty important.  What is more important is that you should seek some counseling for this problem.  Not dealing with it and pretending it will just go away will only come back to haunt you later in life.

A good therapist will help you understand everything you are questioning about yourself and the incident, and it seems as if your fiance is a good guy.  I'd bet he'd be willing to do anything to help you.  You should ask for his help and see a therapist together.  The more he knows, the better he will be able to help you deal with this.

Good luck, and I wish you better times ahead.  Please seek therapy!