My Boyfriend is Addicted to Porn

[sammie_s]

Okay my question is this.  I have been with this guy for a year and a half.  I didn't really know anything about him when we got together and about four months after we were together I realized things had gotten weird in the relationship.  Then one day I heard noises from the other room; sexual noises.  I got really upset because I knew what was going on after a few minutes.  I ended up in tears and didn't have the courage to confront him.  I finally did confront him about some pictures of his ex and the porn I found.  He said he watched it for education.  I knew better but I believed him.  Well, it has gotten really bad.  I finally broke down and told him if he wanted to watch it then he could at least include me in on it.  I thought that would keep him from lying to me and going behind my back.  It hasn't.  I asked him about it one day when I got home from running his errands and he denied it but I am positive that's what he was doing.  He downloads something new every day or at least every day he knows I am at work and probably won't see it.  It really bothers me that he has to lie to me about it.  Then when we do anything together I feel like a used rag doll after.  He tells me he loves me so why does he lie to me and make me feel like ****.  I have told him it makes me feel bad about myself and it's like he doesn't care.  I am to the point that I am ready to leave.  Should I just pack my stuff and get out?  I mean he obviously isn't going to change and it hurts me everyday I find more.  I need some real help here.

[anabanana80]

To be honest with you specialmom, our relationship was not a normal one at all by any means in the beginning.  I know I will be getting the "stupidity of the year" award, but I guess maybe I should explain more in detail about how our relationship started.  We met on a game (waits for the "omg you stupid woman" comments), and this was just it, a game, nothing more.  As we talked more, got to know each other more, opened more with each other I began to fall for this man.  It almost was like a real relationship, dating, although not physically.  I do know that there is a major difference between the computerized world and real life, and that was a big reason I tried my best to prevent what eventually happened from happening.  As you can see, lol, I failed.  I fell in love, as did he.  I knew him for a very long time on the internet, met on webcam, etc., but it still does not compare in any way to reality.  However, I knew how we both felt for each other, and so I made that leap.  I felt that I would regret it the rest of my life if I did not.  I do realize that he and I have had a strange start, a hard start, but as things have progressed throughout our relationship, we have grown closer in many ways.  I do realize that a lot of my worries I had are unfounded and probably all in my head, but there are some major issues that need to be worked on.  I do know that he is not a cheating man, but it hurts that he wants nothing to do with me sexually most of the time.  He really is a good man, a loving man..it is hard since he has been hurt in the past, as have I.  Our strange and unusual start probably did not help matters, but I think in ways it has made us stronger in our relationship...at least in certain respects.  We do have a more honest relationship than before, due mainly in large part of me talking with him about how I feel and confronting him about things.  I do realize that a lot of major issues do take time to work out, and maybe this is another one of them.  I have seen a lot of positive changes in him and do not want to give up on it totally yet.  I am not saying I want to change him by any means, but with any relationship both parties need to "change" in certain ways to make the other happier and more comfortable.  I know I was foolish to completely jump in without testing the waters completely first, but I would not change it for anything as well.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  You've answered on an old post and sometimes starting your own is a better idea so you get more responses than just mine.  When adding onto an old thread,  people often overlook those.

Anyway, sadly, I think you probably know your answer.  You make some very true statements in your above post but I just don't think you've internalized them for what they mean in this relationship.  Yes, two people can conquer almost all if they want to.  Your boyfriend does not want to.  He is in denial and has no reason in his mind to change anything.  Even upon your request for intimacy.  This means----------- things will not improve.  

Most relationships actually have relatively few bad times in the begining to be honest.  That is the fun part.  The getting to know you part. The butterfly in your stomach part.  Then the hard work of forming a relationship starts.  I'm wondering how long you dated or how you knew each other prior to your moving.  Did you go from 0 to 10 in this------ just started dating and then moving there?  

Dating should be done for a while before moving in and being a couple.  Here is why------  as you date, you find out things that help you decide if you should take the relationship to the next level.  And sometimes you just shouldn't.

In this case, I think you should not.  You have a need for intimacy in your relationship and he does not.  Not compatible.

I'm sorry but I would move on.  good luck

[anabanana80]

I am in a similar situation here.  I moved from America to Germany to be with a man that I loved completely with all my heart.  I knew already he had a fascination for porn, but I do as well.  I am accepting of all types of porn, etc., and I am quite used to watching it with a significant other.  However, once I got here, things seemed different.  Besides other issues that needed to be worked out, I also found very early on in the relationship that he seemed to have no interest in me sexually.  It literally broke my heart, and after speaking to him several times (several times does not really begin to touch it actually), he has told me at least 6 different reasons as to why he is not really interested in sex.  He has always said, however, that it is not me.  With that being said, he has made it a point to hide watching porn from me, even to the extent where he has went on hentai websites while at work.  Being that I want to share watching porn with him, I could simply not understand this behavior.  It has even gotten to the point where we have not really been intimate with each other in quite some time, but he will sneak watching porn while I am showering and then "go to the bathroom" once I am done showering.  It hurt me so badly when he did this, but this is something I have not yet confronted him about.  I love him and everything, and the lying has gotten better (at least I think), but in terms of him being intimate with me it is almost nil.  I have told him that I believe him to be addicted to porn and hentai but he adamently denies it (but addicts do that).  I have thought to seek counseling but honestly I doubt that it will change anything.  I have spoken with him about how I feel and him denying me til I am blue in the face but it never does any good.  He has even told me that talking to him about it just makes him feel as though I am trying to push him into it.  Our relationship has seen many bad times in a short amount of time, but many good times as well.  I just feel that I cannot trust him given previous history, as well as his constant hiding of porn and hentai from me.  I honestly believe that most things can be worked out if two people really do love each other, but at the same time I do not really want to spend the rest of my life wondering why he does not want me, or with someone who is not willing to work on things to make the relationship better.  I know you cannot simply turn yourself on and off in terms of sex, but there are ways to try and make things more interesting and he is simply not interested at all.  Maybe someone has some good advice out there to assist in the situation, although I have read many good answers already :)

[anabanana80]

I am in a similar situation here.  I moved from America to Germany to be with a man that I loved completely with all my heart.  I knew already he had a fascination for porn, but I do as well.  I am accepting of all types of porn, etc., and I am quite used to watching it with a significant other.  However, once I got here, things seemed different.  Besides other issues that needed to be worked out, I also found very early on in the relationship that he seemed to have no interest in me sexually.  It literally broke my heart, and after speaking to him several times (several times does not really begin to touch it actually), he has told me at least 6 different reasons as to why he is not really interested in sex.  He has always said, however, that it is not me.  With that being said, he has made it a point to hide watching porn from me, even to the extent where he has went on hentai websites while at work.  Being that I want to share watching porn with him, I could simply not understand this behavior.  It has even gotten to the point where we have not really been intimate with each other in quite some time, but he will sneak watching porn while I am showering and then "go to the bathroom" once I am done showering.  It hurt me so badly when he did this, but this is something I have not yet confronted him about.  I love him and everything, and the lying has gotten better (at least I think), but in terms of him being intimate with me it is almost nil.  I have told him that I believe him to be addicted to porn and hentai but he adamently denies it (but addicts do that).  I have thought to seek counseling but honestly I doubt that it will change anything.  I have spoken with him about how I feel and him denying me til I am blue in the face but it never does any good.  He has even told me that talking to him about it just makes him feel as though I am trying to push him into it.  Our relationship has seen many bad times in a short amount of time, but many good times as well.  I just feel that I cannot trust him given previous history, as well as his constant hiding of porn and hentai from me.  I honestly believe that most things can be worked out if two people really do love each other, but at the same time I do not really want to spend the rest of my life wondering why he does not want me, or with someone who is not willing to work on things to make the relationship better.  I know you cannot simply turn yourself on and off in terms of sex, but there are ways to try and make things more interesting and he is simply not interested at all.  Maybe someone has some good advice out there to assist in the situation, although I have read many good answers already :)

[GISELLE213]

SCKZ SO MUCH IM GOING THROUGH THE SAME SITUATION TO. I HAVE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR TWO YEARS. IM KNOW 4MONTHS  PREGNANT AND THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON EVER SINCE I MET HIM. HES ALWAYS PROMISING ME THAT HE WONT DO IT AGAIN HES ALSO CHEATED ON ME SEVERAL TIMES AND I ALWAYS STAY WITH HIM BUT I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE HES HURTED ME TOO MUCH!! HIS PORN ADDICTION IS REALLY BAD HE DOES IT BEHIND MY BACK AND THAN SWEARS ON MY UNBORN BABIES LIFE THAT HE HASNT WATCHED ANYTHING WHEN I HAVE PROOF THAT HE HAS..HE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO PLACE TO GO..I DONT WANT TO BE IN THE STREET OR HOMELESS EITHER SPECIALLY WITH MY SITUATION..PLZ PLZ HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO I WANT TO LEAVE HIM REAL BADLY BUT WHAT DO I DO?

[rika6076]

i am so confused i have been with this guy for over 2 years know and at the begining we had sex alot and watched porn together but know he is going behind my back and doing it and lying about it and the thing i dont understand is that we never have sex anymore so why does he watch porn if he saposivly never plays with himself to it ? then why watch it? when i ask him to have sex he says he is not in the mood but then i will leave the room while he is on the computer to find out that he looked at porn while i left and then he lies i am so confused someone help