I have been dating the same guy for three years now.Since he got a new laptop last year for going to college and now that I need one for going to college,too,he hesitantly gave me his old laptop.I was looking through things in a browser to fix it yesterday and found a bookmark folder for Hentai(which is Anime/Japanese-cartoon porn,in case no one reading this has heard of it)filled with a lot of links,at least fifty.Of course I accepted long ago that he is a huge Anime fan,and I've watched some shows with him,and it was obvious that he likes large breasts such as the ones in a lot of Anime,but I never knew he actually enjoyed Hentai.I talked to him about it when I found out,and he said that's why he didn't want me to have his laptop.
One problem I have with it is that he tried hiding this from me.I accept things better if he tells me about them than if I find out myself.I want him to be open with me,even if it is embarrassing,and we usually are open with each other about everything.Another problem about it is that I don't like that he's goggling over something else,even if it's cartoon people.He enjoys watching cartoon porn with large-breasted girls,which makes me feel like I don't satisfy him.I don't have large breasts,and that's one less thing for him to be attracted to me about and one reason to find something/someone more attractive.I know how much he still finds me attractive and he always tells me at the most random times.I just know that I don't have everything,that I have less than everything he wants.We've never really been interested or attracted to other people over the years,and not even in the past,so I'm not too worried about him leaving me for another girl,but looking at fake girls is just the same as looking at real people to me.It just makes me really sad.He knows it does,and he does feel incredibly sorry about it,but he can't change his old habits and he knows that.
I do still love him and I believe he loves me just as much,but I've been feeling hurt and less in-love.He pays a LOT more attention to his friends than to me and now he's paying attention to these other things when neither his friends nor I am around.I feel like I hold little significance in his life.Whenever I think about breaking up with him,I can't completely resort to that because of how much we need each other right now;I'm using his laptop because my family can't afford one for me right now and I go to his dorm a lot because I haven't made many friends in college yet and I don't have much to do in my own dorm,I'm going to stay with him and his family during Summer,and he sometimes needs my help when he's low on supplies such as socks,shampoo and body wash(he's using my extra bottle right now),and food.I would also feel lost without him,despite how much sadness he is giving me right now.I was fine without a boyfriend before meeting him,and now that I have been with him for so long,I feel like I would be very lonely and my life would be very different without him and I know I wouldn't want to and couldn't find someone else I would be interested in.We're linked in a lot of relationships,too,more so with each other's families.His family adores me and mine adores him,and his mom is my older sister's friend as well as co-worker/boss.I don't want to break a lot of people's hearts and tear off relationships.I don't know if just talking about it would work.I can't fully explain my feelings because I cry very easily when it comes to talking about my feelings even though I try my hardest not to.Most of the important talks we have wear off eventually,just like all of the times I tried talking to him about all of the time he spends with his friends even when I'm there(he ignores me most,if not all,of the time).After all of those talks,the only attention I do get from him is when we're lying with each other to watch a show or video and he then gets aroused from being so close,which is not the kind of attention I want;the talks to not work.I can have him read this post since I can't actually tell him about my feelings myself,but I feel like it's too much to share,while being the right things I need to say.I'm not sure what I should do.
It sounds like he is neglecting you in general all the time so that is the part I would focus on the most in fixing. It's not right for him to never make time for you and your relationship. He's taking you for granted and should be told that if he doesn't start appreciating you and making you feel like he wants a girlfriend then you'll just leave and he can have all the free time he wants to do whatever he wants. You need to shake some sense into him and make him realize that if it's such a huge burden for him to be an active participant in the relationship then it's over. Period. Don't let him keep pushing you aside to spend time with everyone else making you feel like you're lucky if you get to see him once every couple of weeks. That's not a relationship.