My fiance watches porn regularly...Im not sure If I can live with it. Am I over reacting?

[lostforwords555]

Im gonna try to make this short.  My fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now.  Our relationship is great.  He is everything I want in a partner.  I discovered he'd belong to a few adult website, all of which he joined before we got toghther.  So I ask him about it, he's like "it;s old, I havnt been on those in years" so okay, I accept that.  Since then I have checked his computer periodically only to find more evidence of adult site memberships.  Okay, I get that men like porn...I like a little porn every now and then too, but I like to watch with my man.  The thing that upsets me the most is that he is not having sex with me...and I would give it to hime everyday if he wanted it.  I feel like he spends more time looking at women online than he does with me.  That to me is considered an affair.  Then I find a whole bottle of Viagra that has slowly dwendled away and I know we have'nt slept together that much, so that makes me wonder is he cheating on me or is he really jerking off that much.  

I am not trying to change him; I guess I just need to figure out is this something I can live with.  He is a very good man and I really can't imagine my life without him, but, Is that enough to look past the porn?  I deserve the best...and never have I allowed a man to make me feel insecure...but that is exactly how I feel...Please Help

[Londres70]

Will agree with Adgal.  Very well put.  

[specialmom]

Let me clarify this--------- when I say that intimacy problems don't usually get better . . . I am NOT speaking of the eb and flo of desire that happens in long term couples.  We may go through a period in which we aren't on the same page sexually but that is different than what you describe.  

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, for some------- porn is just not something they want in their home.  You are not opposed to it even though you don't love that he looks at it without you.  You may not love that but if it were infrequent, you'd think it was manageable.  The problem is that you are not intimate with him.

I'd never suggest that someone who has intimacy trouble while dating should continue into marriage.  That usually does not get better.

If you want to have a sexless life with a great companion---------- this sounds like your guy.  If you want a partner that you enjoy a hot/romantic sex life that you'll experience the eb and flos of desire that long term relationships naturally have------  you may need to find someone else.

I really think that is what you need to decide here.  good luck and best wishes.

[sweetpea03]

Have you talked to him about this? About why he watches porn. This is really a decision you have to make, as to whether or not you can live with this. Personally, I strongly dislike porn and would not be able to be with a man who watched it and not all men do watch porn(my fiance does not watch it and dislikes it as well). Though a number of people don't mind porn and can live with it in their relationships, it's just up to the couple. Though you have to think about if you can handle it if he never does give it up. Would you be ok with that?

[brice1967]

Personally, I think this is a question that only you can answer.  Can you live with this?  Can there be any kind of a compromise?  What concessions are you willing to give, and what about him?

This is a deal where both of you are going to have to be involved.  Both will have to compromise and both will have to work on finding level ground.  If pornography is a plain and simple deal breaker for you.... what's the use?  If him being reluctant to give up pornography, what's the use?

Both parties will have to work on this, and it isn't simple.  

[Ashelen]

I agree with adgal but I would add to it -

figuring out WHY he watches porn is the key to knowing whether or not it's a worthwhile investment to stick around.

is he watching because he's an addict, in which case he would need help and true dedication to stop? not likely to be worth sticking around for, unless he really DETERMINES that he wants to stop.

is he looking because he's not satisfied and you think that spicing up the bedroom would solve the problem? Worth sticking around if you want to have a more active sex life.


does he just like it? in which case...probably not going to change him. best to cut your losses and move on...or learn to deal with it.

I don't like porn either...and my husband had somewhat of an addiction with it. it wasn't the porn that I had a huge issue with (although I have past trauma associated with it) it was the LYING that he did when he looked at it....that was unacceptable to me. So I gave him an ultimatum...lose his family and everything we worked together for, or be honest. that was it. simple. if you look at porn - tell me before you do, so I can have the opportunity to meet the need you are trying to satisfy. if you look at it - tell me, so I can discuss it with you and figure out why you HAD to look at it.

he was embarrassed at first...and we looked at it together a little, because I needed to understand what it was doing in his mind....and we've come to really good terms with it now and we're at peace. if he looks, it's when I'm out of town - which was allowed when I first discussed it with him. I said...if I'm available, no go...but if I'm out of town, just don't bring it up.

so....can you compromise? can you lay your sex life bare and talk about things that are uncomfortable? can you deal with him possibly NOT giving it up? all questions you have to ask yourself.
best of luck

[adgal]

Here is my personal take on relationships.  As adults, we cannot truly expect others to change, so yes, you need to decide whether or not you can live with it.  Some are against porn, others are ok with it.  There is no such thing as overreacting..its truly whether or not you are comfortable with it.  If the answer is no, then you need to have a very frank and honest conversation with your fiance, letting him know that if he continues to look at it, you cannot actually go through with marrying him.  I guess I just don't see this a black and white issue...all of these types of issues are about our own boundaries, and no one can tell us they are right or wrong.  Your feelings are your own.  However, in my opinion. to stay with someone who is living outside of our boundaries, expecting them to change is a mistake.  Whatever you decide, I wish you well.