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Avatar universal

Need advice on going from relationship to friendship stage again

Hey guys I posted a prior question here recently. I guess this could be considered a follow up. Me and this guy has so much in common. Even our careers and degrees from college is just alike. However, he decided to put a stop on our relationship after only being in it for a few weeks. We have been dating for a month when he decided to make it official. He told me he felt that things were moving too fast and wanted to be in the friend stage again. He said he just does not have his things together to be the man I want him to be and he refused on putting me through a relationship he was not comfortable with. Well, 2 days ago we talked about it in person for a clear understanding and he says there will never be any woman to treat him so good like me and that we just need more time to talk about relationship. I cried and was very shocked that he gave me positive words and comfort. I told him that being just friends will not heal me in any way and that we both need time a part for a few days or so to cleanse ourselves and rebuild our emotions. I noticed that he is also hurting because he really liked me. He really wanted it to work. We just moved to fast for a relationship. I wanted to know is the space and timw technique a good method for cleanse and rebuilding?? I thought maybe if I do it then ill be able to remain friends with him without being so hurt and we both can move on to eventually have a healthy relationship
18 Responses
Avatar universal
"I wanted to know is the space and timw technique a good method for cleanse and rebuilding??".....................This is a bit tricky as he may never want a relationship in the end and you sound totally into him whereas he sounds like he is confused/iffy about the whole thing.  That would be awful if you were twice devastated.  You can try this and see, but if it didn't work the first time chances are it probably won't work the second time.

I recommend you either:

Just stay friends without building a romantic relationship


Give this some space and time and let him contact you when he is in a good place to handle a relationship, BUT don't sit around and wait on him.

Focus on YOU and put him on the backburner for now is the BEST advice I can give you.

Let me ask you this...........Has he ever been in a long term relationship or only in short term relationships?  

Avatar universal
He told me that this is a new situation for him which is why he doesn't know how to handle it and that he has never went into a relationship before. Talked with only two women in his past and never considered a relationship with them. He says when he met me it was different and that since we have so much in common he went off impulse and rushed wanting a relationship with me. We only dated a month and a month later went in a relationship which I agree isn't enough time. In this moment, we're on break I come to realization that the feelings I was feeling was lust and we were and are still in the honeymoon phase. I still feel like we have time for a relationship because I can tell from our chemistry. I think friendship that build will be the choice. I was going to ask him when we get off the break is it possible for our friendship to go into something more as time passes. Maybe since we have had enough time to think he'll have a conclusion. I just have to get prepared for his answer
973741 tn?1342346373
Honestly, you want more than friendship so I don't think this is a good idea for you.  It's impossible to be friends when you desire a relationship with someone as you do.  It's inauthentic and will be you faking it.  I think you need a true break.  good luck
Avatar universal
"I was going to ask him when we get off the break is it possible for our friendship to go into something more as time passes."............I think you shouldn't ask him this right after the break.  It would be putting pressure on him and may cause him to back off completely.

I think I am going to agree with SM.  It sounds like you are too into him more than he is into you and being friends and then hoping that things build with guy wouldn't work.  A true break is needed.
Avatar universal
with this guy vs. with guy.........typos  :(((
3060903 tn?1398568723
Hi there, Sorry that you're feeling so upset right now, but the good news is that all relationships are a great source of experience and will lead one day to a long term committed relationship.

This boy has told you that he wants to end the romantic relationship, and continue to be friends, because "he just does not have his things together to be the man that you want him to be" So if you read between the lines here he is saying that you are pressuring him to be something different than what he is at this moment and rather then change, he's walking away.
Can you think of any demands that you made of him ? Something that you made him feel like he wasn't good enough at ?

Q: I wanted to know is the space and time  technique a good method for cleanse and rebuilding?
A: It is often helpful for people that have had an argument to take a few s minutes or hours or even days away from a partner, and then go back a refreshed and with a clear head to discuss to  contentious topic of conversation, but, it really didn't sound like your boyfriend was angry with you and that was his reasoning for wanting t break up. He clearly stated that he didn't feel like he wanted to be what you wanted him to be. In ohher words, "I'm sick to death of you telling me what to do" lol

"I was going to ask him when we get off the break is it possible for our friendship to go into something more as time passes."...Do you mean this 2 -  3 day break that you suggested you take i, instead of him breaking up with you, and you parting was as a couple, and going back to being friends?

I wouldn't suggest that you ask that question as there is no real answer..

He could have broken up with you for many reasons that you just know because he only communicated one reason for the break up to you. He clearly stated that he felt that you were trying to change him, and although he didn't say it, we are not supposed to walk into a love relationship and automatically feel that it's our place to "change" another human being. He's probably worked very hard to be happy with himself, so it's an insult for someone to decide that they don't like something and they all of the sudden have the right to expect them to change, and fast!!!!
In fact, unless someone is obviously flawed the initial stages in a healthy relationship have boundaries that are not crossed, especially in the honey moon stage of a relationship.

The fad that he giving you a clue as to what went wrong, is good. It means to him that he has left an opening for you to possibly pick up on the clue, or queue , and contemplate your actions,  By doing so you might have a chance at a relationship in the future.

But the chances are that if a break up occurs there is usually a good reason and it's time to find someone that makes us happy naturally, without a laundry list of things that need to be changed.
14757565 tn?1438305224
It can be helpful.  My take on the situation is that he doesn't feel worthy of you, and no matter what you say or do to convince him otherwise, it will not change that feeling in him.  You have to let it breathe.  Let him get right for you.  If its meant to be, it will be.  That's not to say you have to sit around and wait, nor is it saying you need to fire up your Match profile and go on blind dates.
Use the time to do something for yourself, and ask him if he'd like to set a time frame to maybe reconvene for a date and see if there is still a spark.
If he is a good man, with good intentions and a good heart, give him the time he needs and as you say, rebuild.  Rebuild you.  Think of yourself and your journey and whether or not you feel you need this specific man to be the one, or are you tired of being single in general, or whatever else there is in there. :)
Build up your empire and think about what rekindling would be like, only don't obsess over it... keep living your life!
Avatar universal
Hey well here is an update. Me and him is back talking but as friends. It is still complicated but I see it as a rough patch and eventually things will go back to where they were. I told him we can be friends just as long as we take things slow and wait for awhile before we talk about love and relationships
973741 tn?1342346373
Hon, you aren't friends.  You are a girl that wants a relationship with a guy who doesn't have his 'life together' as you say and is wanting to back off of the relationship.  Understand that you are kind of spinning your wheels here and very potentially wasting your time.  good luck  PS:  make sure you don't become friends with benefits.
Avatar universal
That was a quick break.  

Didn't this guy say he needed to get his life together?  He is not ready for a relationship, so why act like friends when you know you are feeling more than friendship for him?

What do you mean by "it is still complicated?"

I think this isn't going to end up the way you want it to.

Agree with SM.
Avatar universal
Yes i tried explaining that with him and he told me that that idea was not a good idea. He said we can still be friends without wanting a relationship and i agreed. He told me his life is complicated but he does not want to lose me or friendship. We both agreed to no friends with benefits although at times our emotions get in the way and things somewhat get sexual but i stop before things get too far
Avatar universal
You said.........."I told him we can be friends just as long as we take things slow and wait for awhile before we talk about love and relationships."

And he told you

"We can still be friends without wanting a relationship and i agreed."

Hon, you need to completely end it with this guy.  He is basically telling you that he doesn't want a relationship with you while you are hoping to "rebuilt" something that will never be.  This is as clear as day.  End this before you end up hurt again a second time.  Even though you are playing the "friendship" card he is still a guy and if you are willing and able in a moment of weakness he will probably go ahead and take advantage.  In other words, there will be a time you won't be able to stop things sexually and then this will turn into a FWB (Friends With Benefits) situation.  

Why set yourself up for more problems, complications, headaches and heartaches?

I am an older woman..........been there done that.  This will end disastrous for you if you keep playing this game of friendship with a guy who isn't going to ever give you more than that.  

Avatar universal
I don't think things will go further than friendship at this point. Once he hurt me like that, I do not want a relationship with him at this moment. We have talked about this and he agrees. We have so much in common and I do feel he is the right one it's just at this time in our lives things has stalled. Will I sit around in wait?? No! I am enjoying life and staying healthy. His birthday is Friday and we suppose to be doing dinner as just friends which is fine with me. I do feel he likes me too because he always have my best interest and he still come see me but I told him he should not being up anything relationship until I am aware of how he feels and how I feel about it
14757565 tn?1438305224
Do what you feel in heart is right, but also take a step back and listen to your head.  Consider that spending time with this guy as a friend may limit your availability to someone else who is out there for you also.  If he's a good guy though, and you are in no hurry, I don't see the harm in waiting it out a little bit so as long as its not just sex, and neither of you are using each other.  Take it easy.
3060903 tn?1398568723
Still haven't heard what it is that he's not doing, that you are making him feel like he doesn't have his stuff together?
Avatar universal
I assume that I am too much of a good woman for him
Avatar universal
Unfortunately I've seen this exact situation play out numerous times, both in my own life (I did this once, heartbreak city) and in my friends lives (same outcome, heartbreak city). So, as long as you're prepared to have your heart broken again then go ahead. But don't expect this to turn back into anything significant, relationship wise.
3060903 tn?1398568723
i wouldn't assume anything, i would ask him to explain to you what he means by getting himself together, and why that would affect a relationship.

Usually people work in teams to get their stuff together, together.....

This sounds like an excuse, because he doesn't have the heart to tell you he's just not that "into" you.....i'm not saying this to be cruel, i'm saying it because i don't want to see you wasting yoru time on something going nowhere.

A man will move mountains for a lady love , this guy included.

You're not likely to be able to move on from this having him as your besty.
It's not going to help you get men interested in you.
He's made it clear for you NOT to think romantically.
That's what you have to think about with him in your life?
How awful to be so close to unrequited love daily ~
How hard that would be for me ~
To know that the man i loved and gave myself to for the first time,
was looking at other women and thinking romantically about them ?

Do yourself a favor and get out of this drama fest ,
move on from it,
throw yourself into work, or studies, or a new hobby,
go out with your friends, make new acquaintances and start to date,
Accept that this man has let you knwo in no uncertain terms he's searching for someone who is unlike you, to be with,
and let him go......
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