Need help

[mridiot]

I need to talk to someone. I am married almost three years. No kids yet. My wife and I are both doctors. I grew up with a group of guys that were like having a dozen brothers. There was alot of good to that and in our case alot of bad. We thought we were "the guys". We all had our girlfriends or pick-ups but when alone we were the macho jerks. We'd get drunk, pick up, drop some money at clubs and go to strip joint / parlors. Even when we found the girls we knew we loved and would marry we were still the 12 or so fools. That carried through bachelor parties, trips to see out of town games, our annual gathering, and just nights out here and there to relieve life's sh*t as we liked to put it. But more and more I started realizing we were jacka**e* and wondering why I was leaving a real woman that I loved at home while going out with the boys. I found I was not enjoying it - it was empty. I started backing down a bit and being less of a player for lack of a better word. I then stopped and told the guys that is just not for me anymore - I don't want it. Of course they think I am a wimp, think my wife controls me and in a way they do not trust me. Its like they are afraid that I have become so whipped (as they put it) that I may tell my wife about them. I'd never do that as I do not want to be the reason of breaking up homes especially with kids. But I do want to tell my wife about me and just start over. I read that when you cheat and confess the marriage that you knew ceases but a new and better one can begin. But is that fair to her? Does she need to know? I do not want to tell her to make myself feel better. I want to tell her to close the chapter on lies and let her know that I stupidly learned what my vows mean to me after I said them. One guy is getting married ina  few months and I backed out of the celebration and advised him to do the same - to learn from my mistake. Honestly I think the friendship is over the way he looked at me. What I am asking as I am going in a circle is - what is better for my wife - to know and decide whether to go on with me but to have to feel pain or for me to learn from my mistakes and be the husband I should have been. I was actually going to go ask a priest but who would know better than other women?

[girliegrl1723]

ok - whether or not he tells her, he may or may not still do it again. i'm not saying he DEFINATELY will. as for being sincere, we will never know. only he knows that. he should be allowed to make up for his behavior if she gives hima  second chance - sure. BUT - the way i see it, if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. that everyone makes mistakes bit is a little too overused imo. a mistake is like, oops, i picked up the wrong kind of juice at the store or oops - thought you said dinner was at 7:00, not 6:00. ya know? i can't see cheating as a "mistake", especially if your married. its not like their 14 and he kissed another girl at a party. i think he should absolutely tell his wife and if she chooses to give him a second chance - good for him, i hope he makes the best of it. if she chooses to leave him - then good - he deserves it.

[laura1977]

I wondered when you were going to show up

[bip]

Once a cheater is always a cheater.....

[Happy2girls]

That's okay.  I thought maybe my post was confusing.

[laura1977]

Heck I feel sorry if my husband cheated on me in real life, I know how I get mad at him when he cheats in my dreams.   hehehehe

[Happy2girls]

Whether he tells his wife or not he could still cheat again, just because he tells her does not mean he will feel he has a license to continue cheating.  He does seem sincere in his desire to change his ways.  Shouldn't he be allowed to make up for his hurtful behavior as best as he can?  People make mistakes, some worse than others.  And yes marriages can survive and thrive even after infidelity but it takes work.  If you truly love someone it is possible to look past your own pride and forgive although it takes time and is very hard to do.