How can I get my boyfriend to get over me fluffing my past?

[Tracy5747]

I was in a very dysfunctional, emotional and verbal abusive marriage for over 20 years with an alcoholic.  I recently filed divorce.  Three months later, as my soon to be ex refused to leave the marital residence, I began dating a great guy.  Two weeks in, I told him the situation, which he was uncomfortable with, however, continued with the relationship.  I explained how the marriage was all bad, and for the past few years we didn't talk and did our own thing.  I told him I was never really happy.

Now, four months later, my soon to be ex is finally gone and my boyfriend stays at the house with myself and my grown children,  and he's around more,    He's seen pictures from as recently as a year and a half ago on New Years eve and a recent cruise we took with friends.  He is insisting my marriage was not as bad as I claimed it was since the pictures appear thar we are happy and in love.  He also went through my emails and seen emails from my ex from a few years ago of videos from our dog playing in our yard.  Again, he insists it could've have been that bad and I painted this picture so that he would be comfortable starting a relationship with someone who was still married and living woty their ex.

I've explained how bad it was and that just because a picture appears that you're happy, it actually means nothing.  I did tell him we did talk and do things occasionally before the papers were served, but now he's saying I lied just to keep his interest and get him to like me and stick around.  Now he can't trus me or get one any of it.  He says that he told me everything about his past, some of which I really didn't need to hear or know about.  It caused me some jealousy issues for me.  I was just trying to avoid that for him and make him at ease.

I have been over my marriage long before papers were filed.  I was ready to move on and start to look to be happy.  He keeps bringing it up that it wasn't fair to him to do that, and not only that, I have lied. It wasn't all bad.  

I am very hurt and upset because I do love him.  I feel things that I didn't feel in my 20 year marriage.  He refuses to believe me.  How do I help him get past this so he realizes that this relationship is everything to me And the timing was right for me?

[RockRose]

I can kind of see his point.  

There's current song on country radio,  about a woman who sees her lover and his abusive cold wife across the restaurant,  and is stunned that he doesn't really look all that unhappy,  and she's been having sex with a guy whose basically in a happy marriage.  I can't come up with the title,  but it's current.

This must be a bit of what he feels like.  You say you only told him all the bad stuff about your relationship,  my guess is kind of changing the tone of what was actually going on in the relationship so he would feel your marriage was no threat to your new relationship with him.

So,  believing you were a victim of a horrifically abusive marriage,  he viewed himself as the rescuer in the white hat,  swooping in to rescue you from an abuser and be your knight in shining armor.

But now,  as you say, he sees himself as having sex with some other guy's wife.  He looks at you and sees another guy's wife.

And when he looks at himself,  he sees some guy who was having sex with another guys wife while they are still living together and not divorced,  and the marriage really wasn't all that bad - it just didn't work out.  

So this isn't really as much about you,  as it is about him.  He was living his life in a way that he thought he was the good guy,    the rescuer,  and he's learned that wasn't the case.  And he doesn't like that reality of what really happened vs. what you told him was happening so he would feel secure in your new relationship.

I dont think this is fixable.  He doesn't want to see himself this way.

Best wishes.

[Life360_Dave]

There an old saying that we tend to repeat the past and i hope youve not just chosen a similar person as your ex! I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you started seeing him before you were divorced and he has now coined you as a cheater. It would appear that he is very insecure so what i would do is get rid of all the photos and any other evidence in the house of your prior marriage. I think he loves you alot.

[goldenlove]

I agree with Specialmom. If he is already being controlling and emotionally manipulative, you need to run while you can. Also agree with counseling for you to find out why you allow yourself to become involved in abusive relationships (emotionally or otherwise). Build up your self esteem and find yourself before you get involved with anyone else. Good luck!

[Londres70]

He did have a chance to walk away and and still does and if he can't bring himself to believe you then he should walk now.
vs

He did have a chance to walk away and and still does and if can't bring himself to believe you then he should walk now.

Typos :(

[Londres70]

Agree with the others especially about seeking therapy to sort out why you are picking men who are abusive/unhealthy.

If there is NO trust there is NO relationship.

Just because he told you "everything" about his past, doesn't mean you are obligated to do the same.  You shared with him what you thought was important and he doesn't believe what you said, so even if you spilled everything possible out to him he probably would be doubting if you were telling the truth about this and that.  He sounds manipulative and controlling.

You were upfront with him in the beginning and now because he saw some pictures and videos of you and your ex looking happy together he is questioning if you even had a bad marriage?  Even if you have blips of happiness here and there in the marriage doesn't mean you have to justify this to anyone.  You LIVED in situation and he didn't.  

He did have a chance to walk away and and still does and if can't bring himself to believe you then he should walk now.

Stay with this guy and I guarantee things will only get worse.



  

[specialmom]

Sweetie, I hate to tell you this----  often when women have lived with an abusive person and for such a long time as they did, they repeat patterns.  It may look different, but it is still a relationship with an unhealthy person.  This guy sounds unreasonable and controlling.  I am going to just say that I envision him becoming worse down the road and this also ending in disaster for you.

I would seek therapy to talk about why you pick men with unhealthy ways of thinking and dealing with you.  This is your best bet to ever having a healthy relationship.

good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

You need to listen to what He is telling You.

He's telling You "You will NEVER be able to have a personal trust and relationship now because the truth has been lost".  These are Your very words - words that You attribute to Him.  What part of this do You not understand to mean that this will be a troubled relationship? !!

Your original question was "what can I do to help Him get past this".  The answer is:  nothing   -   You have already explained Your situation, Your feelings and motivation, time and again - He's not accepting it.  He's refusing "to believe" You.......and You're not accepting THAT.  Sorta sounds like a stalemate......

GoodLuckToYou

[Tracy5747]

I don't think he'll ever get over the fact that we started dating before my ex was out of he house yet and that I tried to focus on the bad so he knew there was no threat to our current relationship.  He claims this  put trust issues with us and we will never be able to have a personal trust and relationship now because the trust has been lost.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Totally agree with Chima7

This is not about You - it's about Him !!  I think it's a very IMPORTANT clue that He is not accepting Your explanation - this sets a pattern for Your life with Him.  He's told You He "can't handle" that You painted a "wrong picture" and Your "story"  doesn't "line up"

No, You are not the only one that thinks this is "messed up".  I think it's messed up too !! and I see this as a MAJOR red flag !!

[Chima7]

I think that's messed up too. It sounds like he has some other issue of his own that has nothing to do with you. Like Specialmom said, what does it matter how bad your prior marriage was since it's over now? It has no bearing on your current relationship.

But anyway, if whatever baggage he has in his head is making him act like this and making him treat you like this then let him leave. You don't need a flake like him after already escaping a  marriage with a previous jerk. Find someone less judgy who will be glad that you escaped that marriage since it freed you up to find someone better.

[Tracy5747]

That's my point as well.  And the fact that he clams to know how it was and that he thinks it's not how I painted my life to be.  He said he can't handle that I painted a wrong picture for him and my story doesn't line up to what I told him.  He told me last night he can't get over it and doesn't think we can be together. He looks at me and sees another guys wife.
Am I the only one that thinks that's messed up?

[specialmom]

Well, it doesn't matter how bad it was.  It's over.  Why do you have to justify an ending marriage?  

[Tracy5747]

That's part of it, but his issue is he thinks that I lied about how bad it really was.  I lived it and was brain washed into thinking the problems were all my fault.  I told him my entire marriage was bad.  It was.  An occasional happy moment, laugh or good time means not a whole lot.
And yes.. The 'overlapping' is part of the problem.  He thinks I'm not ready to move on yet.

[specialmom]

Hm.  I'm not really sure about this.  It would seem to me that it doesn't matter 'HOW" bad it was once the marriage is over.  It's over.  Is he distressed because you sort of overlapped relationships?