I feel so broken

[catlover8]

I know I posted a few days ago about a situation that happened with my bf. He said some scary things, and I was scared and hurt by them. I kept thinking that the one person in the world who is supposed to love you the most shouldn't be saying those things. Well, I was weak and I went over there to talk things over with him. Please do not judge me. I have spent a year loving this man. He has been at community service all day Sunday, so I went over at 5. Then, I felt proud of him. Like he was even changing his ways cause he was going to community service. He told me what all he did during the day, and I felt like he was making an effort to change. Last night, I went over and his mom told me he has never gone. The whole story was a lie. So I left him. Why does it still hurt? He threatened me and lied to me and I should hate him, but I can't. I must be a massocist.

[SquirreliciousAngel]

Can I ask you, when was the last time you went out and did something nice for yourself?  I think sometimes we as women get so caught up in taking care of others that we completely forget to take care of ourselves.

This weekend or whenever you have some spare time, go out by yourself and do something nice for yourself. Go for a walk and admire the scenery or go buy yourself something special. Its hard for a lot of people to be alone and feel comfortable but its so important that we feel secure with ourselves so we don't seek out others to be our security.

I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to do some self exploration and maybe see how many of your friends are willing to reconnect with you or if you have burnt your bridges.



Best of Luck
~S.A.

[mami1323]

You are being too hard on yourself.  We all make mistakes in life, it's part of growth.  You will just have to be careful not to repeat these mistakes in your next relationship.  No one is perfect and abusers are very convincing.  We all hope that someone loves us differently or loves us enough to change.  Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.  At least you were brave enough to get out before it got worse.  

[catlover8]

Did I notice them? Yes. This is so stupid. I thought I would be the exception. He persued me from high school on. I thought I could change him and my love would make the difference. I feel like sitting at work today and crying. I am so upset.

[specialmom]

I have never believed controlling someone is love but is rather the insecurity of the controller taking action.  If having you under his thumb is the only way he can be with you, that is a major problem.  Please see a therapist because this really is a pattern that often repeats.  You never noticed his temper or issues in relationships with other women in those 16 years?  

[mami1323]

I had to learn that lesson the hard way when I was dating my first love.  My life was all about him, I gave up on getting to know people in college and developing and independent life from him and when we broke up, I was left with nothing of my own.  My friends were our friends, so even though I had them, they weren't truly my friends.  What I did is, I started going to the gym and spending hours there, getting myself into shape.  It gave me confidence and I then started making friends in my classes and going out more and eventually was able to live my life.  I made friends where I worked and we all started going out together to dinner, to clubs, I met their friends and just started networking from there.  Open yourself up to people and start over fresh.  Old friends are never lost either, pick up where you left off.  Call them up, see what's going on in their lives.  At some point you tend to lose touch of people but it doesn't have to be forever.  If they are good friends they will still be there.  Use this as a learning experience and next time you get into a relationship, don't let the man be your all, make sure you have your own life to.  If he has a problem with that, then see the red flags there and don't get involved with someone who makes you their world and vice versa.  

[catlover8]

Now I guess it is time to move on and live my life without him. I can't even seem to picture. it. We hung out every night and every weekend. I have lost so many friends over this man. I need to learn to do things that I like to do by myself, but I do not know what that is anymore.

[mami1323]

Keep that anger...it will get you through.  It's not fair at all.  It's completely heartbreaking and you feel like you will never get over it but you do.  Some people are selfish and can't see what they do to others.  That's how your bf is.  But he's got a lot of problems, ones you can't fix.  You should feel comfortable and safe in your relationship and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells.  You shouldn't have to be careful of what you say for fear he may blow up.  You shouldn't have to be controlled by anyone.  You are an independent woman who deserves respect.  Keep believing that you deserve the best and one day, you will get that.

[catlover8]

I agree with everything you are all saying. I am an educated woman who really doesn't have anything bad going for her. Why can I not see that I am better than this? Here it comes, I know this is what all abused women say, but when he is nice, he is the nicest, best bf ever. When he holds me, I feel like I am the happiest woman on the face of the planet. But it always comes back to this. We had all these plans. Marriage, kids. I put my hopes and dreams in him and he shattered them with lies and abuse. Why do I have to hurt for his mistakes. I did nothing but give him everything despite his anger problems. I have known this man for 16 years. We were best friends in high school. He is not just some guy to me. He was my everything. Then, we started dating and things changed. He told me he loved me more than anything in the world and he started controlling me. If I wasn't compliant, he would yell or argue me under the table. Bottom line, I do know what is right here. But why do I have to be the one left feeling so hurt wondering how I will get through the lonely nights and sad days with my bf gone. I feel like i have lost everything. And I am angry that I he made us lose us.

[mami1323]

I think it's time for some good therapy.  You need to find out why you feel like you deserve to be mistreated by someone.  I think we all have a little massochism in us.  We've all put up with some things we shouldn't but you have decided that enough is enough and need to stick to that.  Although, I understand your need and want to see what he's doing now, with the hopes that he has changed.  But men like him don't change, they are abusers.  If he does change it would take years and years and it will be because he wanted to.  Don't let his sweet talking fool you.  Abusers are very good at manipulations.  They make you fall in love with them and then the abuse begins.  The control the violence, the pain.  Try your hardest to move forward and not give in to him.  I know it's hard but you can't keep doing harm to yourself.  

[specialmom]

I am not judging you but you need to not do this.  He's a terrible match for you.  He lives with his mom, wants you to pay for things for him, lies to you, gets hysterical and threatens you when he is mad--------------  at least 3 of those are deal breakers.  Take care of yourself and stay away from him.  Tell your mom what he has done and see her response.  Tell your dad and see his response.  No one in their right mind would wish that kind of bf on their child.  So why would you want it?  Sure he has some good points, everyone does.  But his bad are too bad to live with.  You have to be strong and if you feel like you can not be, you go to some therapy.  Otherwise, you are doomed to unhappiness for the rest of your life.  Because abusive relationships are relationships because the injured party lives with it.  You thinking you could live with it is a problem.  I really do wish you luck and hope you have the stregth to take care of yourself here.