Relationship trouble!! :( [kinda long] help!

[pepper2010]

I am a 20 year old female who is in a relationship with a 26 year old male. We've been dating for 3 years now. I am really looking for advice, guidance, or something before I lose my boyfriend who I really love.

Since the beginning of our relationship things have been rocky. We fight a lot and it is all my fault.  For one, I don't know how to talk to him -- we don't discuss things. I usually end up getting mad and just yell at him. I yell a lot apparently. And I am controlling.

Controlling examples that I do:
- call him excessively throughout the day
- get angry if he doesnt call, may accuse of cheating even if hes working
- call to see if hes home yet even if im still working
- throw a fit and freak out if hes hanging out at his grandmas house with his cousin, gma, and brother.

Things have been even worse since my miscarriage in November 2009. I developed anxiety and went through about about 4-5 months of depression, and severe anxiety problems. I see a therapist, and the anxiety almost doesnt exist anymore but I find myself still having problems.

In December 2009, my best friend and I then stopped being friends because we got into an argument and she said "F**k you, at least when I have a baby I wont have a miscarriage". She was my only friend. This was very hard on me and I do NOT think I am 100% over losing the friendship though the one we had wasn't good.

I just lost my job about a week ago also, which has been very hard on me. I was a nanny, and I am not finding good luck with a new job. I made pretty decent money and I am just owing so much out right now.

I was like this before all of this though. I will say before my current boyfriend I was in a long-distance but very very controlling relationship [the man controlled me]. I was 16 and the way I was treated was ridiculous. I didnt know it was possible to control someone so much from so far away.

I really cant stand who I am. I think this is part of the reason. I have a love-hate relationship with myself. How I could put another person through this is beyond me, and I cant believe he is still with me.

He doesnt even hangout with girls, go to bars, go out drinking, etc and I STILLLL freak out!!! I will stress him out so much when hes hanging out with his friends [which is really..FAMILY] that he cant even enjoy himself.

And girls, oh boy. I am not even so ugly myself but I find myself insecure. I find myself avoiding movies with girls in them [cuz i dont want him to check them out], avoiding talking about other girls, and i get mad if he looks in the direction of a girl in public.

But then I tell myself why do i care if he sees girls in a movie, tv, or in person? Even if he  looks at them and thinks "shes hot" or "shes sexy" or "wow" what is the big deal? Its not as if he is cheating on me.:mad:

I get so bored because no I have no job (im looking) nor do I have any friends and nothing to do. (Though I do go to college,  classes are early in the morning) So I think I get angry when he is doing something.

I think a lot of issues with myself are that I dont know how to handle and react to the emotions that I feel. Another thing is its like I cant handle or give affection. I do not just walk up to my BF and give him a hug. This may stem from my childhood. I dont remb the last time I told my mom I love you, or when she last gave me a hug.

And my dad..i grew up with him yelling and constant negativity. And in return I feel as if I am that person. All my thoughts are negative and at times it seems hard to even say something positive.

I am straight out mean when I get mad. I will start insulting my boyfriend and push him to a point where he'll start saying things to me.

What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself and him? I dont want to lose him. I could spend the rest of my life with him.

It seems as if maybe I rely too much on him to  make me happy and fulfull everything in my life? [my therapist said this, and i agree]but i cant find away around being this way. Even if I do find a hobby OR work or do something I still find myself getting stressed out and calling him questioning etc.

He isnt perfect, but hes a nice guy who cares a lot and its like i am the opposite. I really think too, that I change him. I make him act like someone he doesnt want to be because of the way that I am.

One last thing is that I know that I HAVE the upper hand. I know that I can get what I want [by arguing, whining etc -- like a freaking 2 year old!] and I want to stop this.

This is long..but i have to get this all out sorry! I really act like an irrational, crazy person!! I cant take it anymore. And I know that he cant either.:(

How do I gain self-esteem, and learn to trust, etc? OR how do I do something so that I can fix our relationship?

[teko]

It takes two people to make a relationship work. It sounds like you know you have issues, but also know you are powerless to help yourself. You sound like you have self image issues and control issues. You talk about excessive anger. I used to have those issues as well, many moons ago. I remember how awful it was, but I did go for help out of fear of hurting someone else or myself. I can only say for me, it was a lifesaver but we all have to make whatever decision is best for us at the time. I was on the meds for several years and am no longer on it, but I do know if I ever have that happen to me again, I will not hesitate to get help while I work on my issues. Good luck to you in whatever you decide and I hope the situation improves quickly. You are very young and some of it is just the growing up process so dont panic just yet.

[specialmom]

Possibly, hormones can definitely affect mood.  Are there "old" pills that you could go back to?  Mention it to your doc--------- you could probably call in and talk to the nurse in the office.  

There is an anger scale that might help you as well-----------  an "anger thermometer".  You can picture this in your mind but actually drawing it helps.  At the bottom in the little ball area--------- this is your just right place.  You feel fine and under control.  Then the next section going up is yellow.  This is where you feel like you are getting a little upset, starting to heat up, and it is a warning.  Then the next section is orange and this is where you are mad and upset.  It is noticeable to others as your voice is very loud, your face is pinched, your body is tense.  Your thoughts are racing her and you are burning with frustration and anger inside.  The last section is red.  Never go to red.  This is where you blow up and are screaming, losing it, saying cruel things, throwing something. It is the equivalent to a child's tantrum.  

When you think of this scale you should think about where you are at on it and how each part of it feels to you.  Then as you feel yourself moving from green (things are fine) to yellow---------- your job is to stop the process so it does not go orange or red.  You slow it down.  Have some ideas of things you can do when yellow to not take it higher such as walking away for a cool down moment, square breathing (breath in for 4, hold 4, breath out for 4 and hold for 4 and repeat), open and close fists hard, grab a journal and write all your thoughts out (good to get it off your chest and the process of writing it out slows the actual reaction to it), taking a jog or walk.  

You can do this pepper.  You have to believe you can!  good luck

[pepper2010]

Hi,

Thanks for all the responses. I actually am anti-medications (i dont even take tylenol etc) and I believe that things can be overcome with your mind and personal feelings/thoughts. The mind is very powerful to me.

When my anxiety was serve and I had horrendous attacks, I did not take medication. I went to therapy and become more aware and understood the anxiety, thus basically eliminating it.

Could birth control contribute to it? Because lately I have these episodes where I break down over NOTHING. I have NEVER felt this much anger, etc in my LIFE. I have  been on these new pills for about 1 month 1/2 and ever since Ive been 10 x angrier!

[Emily_MHManager]

Let's keep this on topic to the poster's questions and concerns.  As was stated, this is not appropriate for the Relationships forum.

Thanks!

Emily

[PassionFlower09]

Special you made this a discuss more a debate when you stated, that "hat sounds like a great book but remember that the vast majority of books written like that also lack any scientific evidence".

You may be knowledgeable about "pi's of medication" but that does not preclude the knowledge  of other people with other positive experiences which may suggest something other than your "pi" knowledge. .

This forum is to help others and also to explore ALL areas and AREAS.

Medications are not right for everyone.Pepper2010, has a right to explore all options available to her/him.

I don't need to pm you. My comments were meant in the best spirit of this forum;I only wanted pepper2010, to consider all areas of treatment. I am sorry you seemingly saw it as "threatening or as flawed somehow".

[PassionFlower09]

Sorry to say, but Special I think you are wrong.  Have you ever read this book? How can you make such a generalization?

What do you consider a long term study? Average is 3-5 years. And even with that small amount of time the list of negative side effects are evident. Research shows that long term use of any drug is counter-productive. This is even more so true psychotropic drugs.

[specialmom]

Passionflower------- I am well versed in the pi's of medications.  Most of what you listed are defined as rare or are transient.  One out of 4 American adults take an antidepressent in this country and the majority do so with few side effects.  I think the mental health field advocates for a full rounded approach to treatment these days with medication being a valuable tool.  

This is really not a discussion, however for the Relationships forum.  If you would like to pm me about it please do so.  Or perhaps the depression or anxiety forum would be more appropriate.  

I am an advocate for people healing.  Medication is often a necessary part of that.  

[PassionFlower09]

This book sites very strong evidence. There seem to be no issues with validity and reliability.

Pepper2010,  research all therapies. I know it may be challenging given your condition, but you should try to read the long term studies. Given recent recalls and side effects of very popular medications, you owe it to yourself to try to achieve the same results without the risk that some medications present.

We all want you to be well. But if you have not yet gotten to the point where you can't reasonably make an informed decision,don't  just "go along with tradition"; you should exercise your right to research.Early 19th century physicians did not believe in washing their hands in hospitals.This disposition  was popularized.  Meanwhile, people were dying in hospitals. Until a strong correlation between hand washing and the spread of infection was discovered. Tradition said, "don't wash your hands". Reality showed that patients were dying. Moreover, physicians don't know everything and their 'traditional" treatments are not always correct. You have a right to choose.  I see people everyday who are taken the popular medications, and they can't even function normally. I am not saying this will happen to you. I am just saying research, research, research.

There are so many side effects of medications; to list a few:  

SSRI's

     *sinus tachycardia,
     * myocardial infarction,
     * junctional rhythms and
     * trigeminy
    * anhedonia
    * apathy
    * nausea/vomiting
    * drowsiness or somnolence
    * headache
    * bruxism
    * extremely vivid or strange dreams
    * dizziness
    * fatigue
    * mydriasis (pupil dilation)
    * urinary retention
    * changes in appetite
    * changes in sleep
    * weight loss/gain (measured by a change in bodyweight of 7 pounds)
    * increased risk of bone fractures and injuries
    * changes in sexual behaviour (see the next section)
    * increased feelings of depression and anxiety (which may sometimes provoke panic attacks)
    * tremors (and other symptoms of Parkinsonism in vulnerable elderly patients[38])
    * autonomic dysfunction including orthostatic hypotension, increased or reduced sweating
    * akathisia
    * renal impairment
    * suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide)
    * photosensitivity[39]
    * Paresthesia
    * Syndrome of inappropriate antidiuretic hormone hypersecretion
    *anorgasmia,
    * erectile dysfunction,
   * diminished libido.
  *  server kidney or liver diseases

Really the list goes on. This is only for SSRI's
SSRIs ( a few are listed below):

   1. Celexa (citalopram)
   2. Lexapro (escitalopram oxalate)
   3. Luvox (fluvoxamine)
   4. Paxil (paroxetine)
   5. Prozac (fluoxetine)
   6. Zoloft (sertraline)

This is just and example of why you should research and make a careful decision.
  

[specialmom]

Oh boy.  That sounds like a great book but remember that the vast majority of books written like that also lack any scientific evidence unlike medications that go through a scrupulous process to be approved and continue to be used for their indications.  There are pluses and minuses to everything and today's mood medications are pretty benign in terms of side effects unlike past generations.  Talk therapy combined with medication is the best way to recover from depression and anxiety as proven by science.  Anyone can write a book stating something but a double blind study does not lie.  Anecdotally, those things are worth trying and absolutely a great adjunct to traditional therapy but if some one's life is being driven by brain chemistry issues, treating it fully is essential.  
good luck to all who are trying to overcome.

[PassionFlower09]

You may also try to change your diet to include things like omega 3 fatty acids, exercise, increased get sunlight- natural, sleep normalization, and stop rumination.

There is a book called, "The depression cure: the 6 step program to beat depression without drugs"by Stephen ILardi, PH.D. It is a really good book. It gives lots of informative information about the effectiveness of different treatments ranging cognitive therapy-to-psychotherapy-to what is typically advocated: drug therapy.

The book talks about diet and exercise and rumination. It will change your outlook and bring to your attention things that u probably never considered: like the side effects of medications, the low effectiveness of drugs, how to correct chemical imbalances in the brain naturally.

Anyway,

Hope this helps

[specialmom]

Hi and welcome to our community.  You have a lot going on dear.  I think that anyone would be stressed out with all of this on their plate.  And when you mentioned anxiety, I knew my first hunch was probably right.  I think you are still suffering anxiety/depression.  I really do.  Are you seeing anyone for this?  I would try to find a way to go to therapy and I would certainly also see a psychiatrist for a medical check.  You may need to take medication to help you out.  When we have an imbalance, we need to right things to feel okay.  The world is still an ugly place at times--------- but if our mental health is taken care of, we deal with it better.  

Many that are anxious tend to be "angry" people.  They have outbursts, yell, and get nasty.  They are hot heads.  It is a symptom of anxiety.  I think if you address the underlying anxiety, that would help greatly (back to the therapy and medication).  You then can learn ways to control yourself.  Some of it is taking one step at a time.  Feeling when the anger is rising up in you from the start of it.  Picture yourself having a little gage and as you start to get upset, it will give you a reading.  When you feel it start------- you give yourself a time out.  Do a walk but don't talk thing where you go for a walk and clear your head before you talk.  If it rises suddenly, push your tongue to the roof of your mouth and take a time out for yourself.  Do some square breathing------- breath in for4, hold 4, out for 4, hold 4 and  repeat.  It slows us down.  You need to slow down in your reaction to control your anger.

I agree it is important to get this under control as your boyfriend will not stay forever under these circumstances.

YOur low self esteem is tricky.  You almost sound neglected and abused as a child.  Could that be right?  Again, a therapist would help you.  When someone says that they don't even want their boyfriend to go to the movies because of a good looking actress------ that is a pretty deep level.  I wonder . . . don't get upset when I say this . . . even about obsessive compulsive disorder as you seem to also have some obsessive thoughts------ which is a symptom (back to the therapy and medication again.).

One thing you can do during this down time from work is volunteer.  This has a lot of impact on mood and esteem.  Also consider a strenuous work out routine-------- also calming.

I wish you luck