Sex Anxiety

[Minnie78]

I am a married 30 year old female. I have been married for 6 years now, but my husband and I have not been intimate in close to 5 years (years...not a typo). I think I have been very patient with him and have tried numerous times to initiate sex. He always turns me down. I am far from perfect, but I think I am fairly attractive and am in good shape and he is capable of getting an erection so I don't know what the problem is. Well, I have had enough and have decided to pursue a divorce. I have talked with him about this and has says he doesn't want me to leave. I really don't want to leave either because I love him, but I don't know how much longer I can go on without intimacy. The problem that I am having now, is that on a drunken evening I had sex with a friend on mine (we'll call him Bruce). I feel like it should have been a release for me, but I guess the alcohol wore off during and I started to freak out. Bruce tried to comfort me, but I was inconsolable. And even with all the crying, I kept on having sex with him until I completely flipped my lid and ran out of the house with my shirt on backwards and one shoe on (kind of funny). I cried all the way home and for the next 2 days. I'm just not sure if it is from the guilt of cheating on my spouse even though we are on the rocks or if I have a bona fide issue with sexual intimacy. Perhaps both? I wonder how I can return to a normal sexual relationship after so many years of nothing. I am actually scared to have sex again and feel like I am going to have a panic attack when I think about it. Plus, I really wanted to be in love when I had sex again so maybe that is why I am going nuts. Sex is just a very emotional thing for me and I consider it a way to bond with someone you care about. Now I feel attached to Bruce and can't stop thinking about him, but I think it was more of a lust thing for him. Any advice?

[KATE535]

I don't think anyone would seriously blame you for engaging in sex outside of your marriage. Your husband knows you crave intimacy - you've told him you want a divorce because of it !!.... so it is hardly surprising you cheated, on the face of it, when having told him you want /need intimacy, he has still refused. He had it coming to him, and if you ever do ''come clean'' he should feel partly responsible for why you did it.
I think ultimately you will only ever find out why he is like this if you have a good long converation, and hope he can honestly tell you why he is like this. It doesn't sound normal. You are normal to need to feel special, appreciated, adored - things I feel when I am intimate with my partner.
A meaningful relationship should provide you with what you need. Obviously by refusing you, he is unwilling to give you what you need. I would say leave him if things don't improve......................................... and Seek Happiness !!

[babypooh]

Wow! Ummm, a bit speechless here.... Have you tried marriage counseling to try to figure out why your husband won't be intimate with you? I can understand your frustrations. What did your husband say about your reasons for wanting to leave? What does he say about rejecting you? What reasons does he give you?  Well, I know you know that you messed up BIG TIME by being unfaithful. You disrespected yourself and your husband even though you were not in good terns with him.  I hope you don't do that again.  Have you come clean with your husband?  Even if there is a reconciliation with him, he has a right to know what happened. Besides, if you keep it a secret, you might never be able to live in peace and you'll torture yourself.  Pick a nice quiet evening to talk with your husband. Explain that you love him and that you DO NOT want to leave him, but also explain the importance of the way it makes you feel to be rejected by him.  Then with all the pain in your heart, come clean about what happened and ask for forgiveness. Tell him you know how horrible what you did was and that you're sorry, but that you still want to work it out.  I don't think that you love "Bruce." I think it's just a relief to have someone not reject you and you crave that.  I hope your husband forgives you and that you can work it out and go to counseling.  I hope your husband can finally work on being intimate with you. Whatever happens. there is no ONE person to blame; both of you played a part and I hope you can work it out.  If he doesn't forgive you, give him time, but don't give up trying.  Good luck...