How could he do this to me?

[getlykemc10]

Earlier today I left my b/f (well ex-b/f now) a comment on his MySpace page. I was telling him how much I loved him & how much I cherish our relationship, etc. Well after I left it I realized he hadn't been on there in almost a month so I figured I could try & get on his page & accept it myself. I didn't actually know his password but his passwords for other sites are pretty much similar so I typed one in, & it actually worked. As I was about to accept my comment I noticed that at the bottom of the page it said "so & so has read ur msg". Being curious I opened the msg & realized it was from another gurl! He was telling her he was sorry he didn't reply sooner but that I get mad at him when he talks to other gurls, so he waited till later to reply so I wouldn't see it. He also said that he changed his password because he wanted to be able to talk to other gurls without me knowing & getting mad. He said that I was a jealous g/f & I pushed all his female friends away & that I don't trust him. To elaborate (no judgment please) the first year of our relationship he cheated on me with a female friend that I had specifically asked him not to associate with because I didn't trust her (women's intuition). Well come to find out he never stopped talking her, purchased another cell phone, & was txtn & calling her from it on a regular basis. I had no clue so when he told me sometime after our 2yr anniversary I was deeply hurt. I had a HUGE emotional breakdown & cut off contact with him but a few weeks later I forgave him & we worked it out. He promised not to speak to any other gurls & to always be honest with me no matter what. I broke up with him this past March because we kept fighting & that's when he wrote this gurl on MySpace. I asked him repeatedly if he had spoken to any other gurls during that time & after we got back together & he said no. I probably shouldn't be mad because we were broken up but he still lied to my face & then told some random gurl lies about me. The fact that he changed his password for that reason is upsetting because we were still living together then & we have a son. I deleted my comment for him & txtd him & I just lost it. I told him it was over & I can't believe he did this to me after everything we've been thru. I've given him everything but the only good thing he gave me was our son. I cried for 2 hours afterwards because I was so angry that he lied straight to my face. We weren't together then so he could have told me I wouldn't have been upset if he was honest.

I've told him since day one if he tells me the truth regardless of what it is I won't be as upset cause he was honest. Just a few weeks ago I was going thru a depressive state (I have depression & bipolar) & I asked him if we were doing okay. He said yes that he loved me, wanted to be with me, & would always be there for me. Well a few days later the three of us went out for dinner, & while we were in the car his brother txtd him. He asked me to reply since he was driving & when I did I saw horrible things about me in his txt to his brother. He was saying how he needed a break from me & wished he could get away from me because all I do is argue with him. He was saying that I was unstable & off-balance since I hadn't been on meds for awhile. He said that I was the reason for why our son had been so fussy because my moods were affecting him (not true he was teething). He referred to me as anti-social because I didn't wanna go places with alot of ppl since I was depressed. He told him he wished he had walked away from day one so he wouldn't be dealing with this now. I was shocked cause he never said that to me but I didn't say anything until a few days later. I approached him & calmly told him that I knew what he said but I wasn't upset I just wanted to know why. He said since I was depressed he didn't wanna hurt me or for me to blow up on him. Then he got mad & said for me to stay outta his business & not to go thru his stuff again. He also said he wasn't sorry cause at the time that's how he felt & his phone is his private business so I need to stay away from it. I was upset & I cried about it to him & a few days later he apologized & said he would be honest from now on.

Well when I told him today that it was over he said he didn't care & he wasn't sorry that he hurt me. That he didn't lie & that I shouldn't have been reading his stuff anyway. I tried to explain that I just wanted to accept my comment & wasn't prying purposely, but he said he didn't care that he was sick & tired of me. He said all I do is cause drama & he was glad to be off "drama island" with me. He said not to txt him again & to leave him alone. I told him that after 4 1/2 yrs & a child I thought he would realize that I'm a good woman worthy of love & honesty. I then said that he didn't deserve me & I knew he didn't love me & he said "yep now leave me alone". I don't understand how you can hurt someone who loves you & has always been there for you. I know I brought this on myself because I kept forgiving him but I loved him & I wanted to make this work. How can he be so heartless?

[miainmiami]

Sorry to say your bf sounds like an idiot. AT the old age of 59 I have been involved with a few idiots. Make sure you get out and do not live with him anymore. After you have moved out make sure you get child support. If he talked to me that way I would have slapped him into the next county and I DO NOT suggest you do that. If you go back to him things will be the same. There are many good decent men out there and that is what you and your child need. I am also bi-polar never diagnosed but I know and I do get depressed. You will overcome these things by getting the help you need. Take Care everything will be ok. Mia in Miami

[getlykemc10]

Sorry it took me so long to respond I was very busy yesterday. To answer your questions...yes we do live together and I don't intend to date anyone else. We agreed that the easiest way to raise our son would be under the same roof (it may sound stupid though) but he's so young & the last thing I want is to be shuffling him from place to place every now & then.

We spoke yesterday on the situation & he told me point blank that he was over it & over me. He said it didn't take long to do that cause he didn't care & doesn't care anymore. He said he didn't lie about talking to other gurls & he did that purposely to get a reaction outta me. He said he knew one day I'd find it & knowing how it would upset me he left it up for "public display". He said he was waiting for me to overreact to some situation so I would get mad enuff to call it quits. He said he was happy that it was over between us because he got tired of me always getting upset when he lied. Then he said he didn't see why him lying to me was such a big deal...wtf?? I explained to him that if you love someone you don't lie to them or do things to hurt them & he just shrugged his shoulders & said that's who he is.

I told him that I'm a person & a good person at that & I do have feelings. but he just kept saying he didn't care that he was over the whole thing. Then he txtd one of his friends "celebrating" his freedom & said it was all my fault, all I ever did was argue with him about him lying & he said he didn't care. He doesn't love me he made that really clear to me last night with everything he was saying. The cheating issue came up & he said he didn't understand why I was even mad about it he did it to prove a point. He said he wanted to prove to everyone that he wasn't always a good guy & he could do whatever he wanted. I asked him why he had to prove that point with me & he just said "hey it had to happen sometime". He said he's not wrong about lying or anything else, he never has been wrong  it was stupid of me to end it over a lie. I was shocked! I mean how can he not think anything he's done to me is wrong? I started crying & I told him that I gave him 4 1/2 years of my life, I never lied to him, I never cheated, I constantly forgave him for stuff even when I was still hurting, & we have a child together. He said none of that mattered to him he's gonna do what he wants to do & it doesn't matter if I get hurt. He pretty much gave up trying a long time ago when he realized I wasn't gonna just let him lie to my face & get away with it. I asked if he would've prefferred being with a gurl who let him lie & cheat on her & she didn't get mad, & he said "hey if it means I ain't gotta hear somebody's mouth over what I do then I wouldn't mind". I asked him if hurting me made him feel bad & he laughed & said no it didn't why would it? I said all I ever did was love him & try to make us work but I refuse to be constantly lied to & he said that's why he is glad we're over. He said it only took him a few minutes to get over me & then he went on to talk about what he hopes for in his next relationship. I told him all I wanted was for him to be happy & since that's not with me then maybe the next gurl he's with will be someone he truly loves. He said he hoped that it would be & he prays that he doesn't have to deal with drama all the time. I said I hope we can remain friends even though it will be hard cause I love him & he said that's fine. I also said that since we're no longer together he can do whatever he wants & that he doesn't have to worry about being hinest now & he said he was glad for that. Then he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him but I said no it wouldn't be right cause he's be using me.

Sorry it was long but that's what happened. Thanx for all your advice

[teko]

I see several things in your post.

1. You are bipolar-This tells me you have extreme mood swings. When you are happy your happy and when your mad, you rage! This is very hard on the person who has the condition but equally as hard on the ones you love and affects their lives as well. It conditions them to not say or do anything that upsets you or there will be hell to pay. No matter how big or little the offense is.

2. The bf venting to a family member. This may hurt you but is totally normal in the sense that he was having a raging moment of his own and needed someone to vent to.

3. Insecurity on your part, not trusting that you are good enuff to keep him and feel the need to control his actions.

4. Bf talking to other girls on a website. I am old school and have to admit that in my time this is considered unacceptable when in a committed relationship, but I do understand that it is considered acceptable in this day and age, so I will only say, this to me is a red flag as far as I am concerned.

5. You have a child together. You have a common interest in making this relationship work, which could be a base for pulling it back together if both parties are willing.

Being  a person who has experienced bi polar up close and personal, I can tell you that it is a very selfish controlling, manipulating condition. It is our way or no way and when someone does not do our bidding we are are not something to be reckoned with. You might want to get your levels checked and make sure your meds do not need changed.
It sounds like the bf loves you but is emotionally drained himself and needs away from the drama of the relationship.

Can your relationship survive. That depends. Both of you are going to have to sit down and talk about these issues and take it from that point. It may be a situation that needs a little space to calm things down. It sounds like counseling wouldnt hurt either, but the bottom line will be how much good is in the relationship versus the bad times. I hope for all concerned you can work it out.

[getlykemc10]

The texting & talking on the phone with his old friend was during the first year of our relationship (back in 2006)..we were still together. I thought we were doing fine then & I had no idea any of that was going on until after our 2yr anniversary passed (2007). When he wrote the other gurl on MySpace we were broken up then but we were trying to work things out & even considered doing couples therapy but we never went. I do think that he did it purposely because the way he went about it. Instead of being open & honest he was sneaky.

Yes, I have been handling my depression/bipolar. I take medication for it & I see my therapist at least once a month. I didn't want him to fight me on the breakup because I realize that it wouldn't be worth it anymore. He's obviously never going to be honest with me & he's gonna continue to hide things & be sneaky behind my back. I wanna believe that he said those things to his brother because that's how he felt but pretending things are okay & then teling someone diff. isn't right. Even if that is how he felt at the time he knew how badly I was hurting. I feel lyke he's trying to make me look lyke the bad person to others & make himself look good. He has a tendency to bad mouth me to his family & friends (which according to above statements in my post is obvious).

The last time I blew up on him was back in March when I broke up with him but I didn't take it back. I felt as though I had no reason to apologize to him when I did nothing wrong. I don't get how he can continue to lie right to my face & not feel bad about it. I don't lie, I don't cheat, I don't give him a reason to purposely hurt me. I've always been open & honest with him during the 4 1/2 years we were together. I tried to make it work because we had a son & because I loved him but he apparently didn't want that. I know he's not going to agree to counseling right now or ever. To me he just wants his freedom so he can do whatever he wants & not have to worry about me. I don't wanna be with him because I can't take being lied to all the time. He obviously doesn't feel lyke I'm worthy of the truth so I'm done. Thank you so much for your advice.

[specialmom]

And I wanted to repeat that I'm very sorry that you are hurting.  Peace to you.  

[specialmom]

Oh so very complicated.  I'm sorry you are hurting right now as this is very fresh and new.  

Couple of things stand out to me.  Was your bf texting, talking to, etc. with the other girl recently or was this when you were broken up?  The details were a little sketchy with that.  I think that not telling you that he was talking to another girl might have been a self protective move.  He knows you.  He knows how you react to things and while you say you wouldn't be mad, he guessed (and lets be honest------- it would have hurt and hurt comes out as anger often) you would be.  If you were trying to work things out, that would have been counterproductive.  I'm all in favor of honesty, don't get me wrong but putting myself in his shoes, I think he was just trying to not upset you while trying to work it out.
Are you handling your depression and bipolar?  It is important that you do so.  Not for your bf, not for you--------- for your son.  I hope you are seeking help with a good psychiatrist for appropriate meds and a good therapist for talk therapy.  It is very important to take care of our mental health as if we do not, all other things will begin to crumble and crack.
Now it sounds like you broke up with him expecting him to fight you on it.  That makes me wonder about your intent of the outburst.  If you were breaking up with him, then his saying okay would be okay.  It would hurt but it would be because you had had enough of the relationship and wanted to move on.  Have you blown up before and taken it back?  I ask because the old saying "careful what you wish for" comes into play here.  
This sounds like it has been a tumultous relationship with many ups and downs.  
It very well could be true that the texts to/from his brother were what he was feeling that day and that period of time--------- heck, if my husband intercepting some of the things I write or say to a girlfriend . . . he'd be upset too.  But then I go on to a better day in which I love him.  
BUT . . . those were hurtful things.  They were hurtful because they were too close to home for you.  They cut to the core.

You have a child.  I always want couples to try to be together for the sake of the kid.  Sometimes it doesn't work out.  Can you ask him to attend some kind of couple's counseling?  But I hate to say this, this relationship seems to have run its course.  You must always do the right thing by your son and make sure his father is in his life.  Take care of any unresolved mental health issues.  
Remember, you broke up with him and thought you had good reason at the time to do it.  Focus on that.  Good luck