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Sexual problems so early?
Hello again. I recently posted a question on this board about a month ago: http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Relationships/New-guybut-Im-skeptical/show/1592763#post_7235971
I'm still seeing the same guy, and we've been dating now for over 2 months. Things have been progressing, and we've finally started meeting each other's friends. I talked to him about the planning issue, other things I explained in my previous post. Since then, most things have gotten better, and I can tell he really is trying to make a better effort towards our relationship.
However, now I'm wondering what's going on with him sexually. I admit I felt we moved things a bit fast in the beginning and I suggested we slow things down. Things didn't really slow down much initially but now they have. His work schedule has really calmed down, and we've been spending more time together during the week/weekends. In the beginning, we were really only sleeping together on the weekends, because we didn't see each other much during the week. Yesterday, he texted me while I was at work, and asked to meet him for lunch so that I could meet his best friend. We had a great time - he was also pretty affectionate in front of his friend. We hung out at his place last night, and he was super affectionate...more than he's ever been with me. We've been intimate usually about 2 - 4 times a week, but the past 3 weeks or so, I feel I've had to initiate more often. I voiced my concern this past weekend, and he said that when we do have sex, it's never a short session (which is true) and sometimes he's really tired at work the next day, but said he's always in the mood. He has sleep apnea, and just had a sleep study done last week so maybe that's part of it? I know he's not a heavy sleeper like me, and sometimes he doesn't sleep much at all.
Every time we do have sex, it's incredible and he never has problems staying erect or finishing. Sometimes, we do it more than once a day. We've stayed together 4 nights since last Thursday, but the past 2 times we've stayed together we haven't had sex. I thought for sure last night it would happen, since he was kissing me and touching me more than usual, and it seems the relationship is progressing in other ways. He cuddled/kissed me for a long time last night before falling asleep, but I still felt frustrated. When I got up to leave this morning, he said "I wish you didn't have to go to work so much earlier than me."
When we do sleep together, he wants to cuddle the entire night - whether we have sex or not. He said he'd be offended if I rolled to the other side of the bed. He also told me if I initiate sex, he'll never turn me down, but I want him to initiate sometimes too. I know that he was a virgin until he was in his mid-20s. He's 34 now, and his last relationship lasted a year, and he told me he never slept with her. Before we slept together, he told me he would much rather cuddle, and connecting on that level is just as important as sex. He also told me he's had several relationships without sex, and he would still be dating me if I had decided not to sleep with him.
I don't know what to think - I'm really not sure if he's having some kind of medical issue, or if he's trying to take things a little slower, but I wish he would've talked me about it first. I'm glad he's not just with me for sex, but it's a little strange when he just starts withholding for some reason. Why would he do this while becoming more affectionate and wanting to hang out more often?
I'm still seeing the same guy, and we've been dating now for over 2 months. Things have been progressing, and we've finally started meeting each other's friends. I talked to him about the planning issue, other things I explained in my previous post. Since then, most things have gotten better, and I can tell he really is trying to make a better effort towards our relationship.
However, now I'm wondering what's going on with him sexually. I admit I felt we moved things a bit fast in the beginning and I suggested we slow things down. Things didn't really slow down much initially but now they have. His work schedule has really calmed down, and we've been spending more time together during the week/weekends. In the beginning, we were really only sleeping together on the weekends, because we didn't see each other much during the week. Yesterday, he texted me while I was at work, and asked to meet him for lunch so that I could meet his best friend. We had a great time - he was also pretty affectionate in front of his friend. We hung out at his place last night, and he was super affectionate...more than he's ever been with me. We've been intimate usually about 2 - 4 times a week, but the past 3 weeks or so, I feel I've had to initiate more often. I voiced my concern this past weekend, and he said that when we do have sex, it's never a short session (which is true) and sometimes he's really tired at work the next day, but said he's always in the mood. He has sleep apnea, and just had a sleep study done last week so maybe that's part of it? I know he's not a heavy sleeper like me, and sometimes he doesn't sleep much at all.
Every time we do have sex, it's incredible and he never has problems staying erect or finishing. Sometimes, we do it more than once a day. We've stayed together 4 nights since last Thursday, but the past 2 times we've stayed together we haven't had sex. I thought for sure last night it would happen, since he was kissing me and touching me more than usual, and it seems the relationship is progressing in other ways. He cuddled/kissed me for a long time last night before falling asleep, but I still felt frustrated. When I got up to leave this morning, he said "I wish you didn't have to go to work so much earlier than me."
When we do sleep together, he wants to cuddle the entire night - whether we have sex or not. He said he'd be offended if I rolled to the other side of the bed. He also told me if I initiate sex, he'll never turn me down, but I want him to initiate sometimes too. I know that he was a virgin until he was in his mid-20s. He's 34 now, and his last relationship lasted a year, and he told me he never slept with her. Before we slept together, he told me he would much rather cuddle, and connecting on that level is just as important as sex. He also told me he's had several relationships without sex, and he would still be dating me if I had decided not to sleep with him.
I don't know what to think - I'm really not sure if he's having some kind of medical issue, or if he's trying to take things a little slower, but I wish he would've talked me about it first. I'm glad he's not just with me for sex, but it's a little strange when he just starts withholding for some reason. Why would he do this while becoming more affectionate and wanting to hang out more often?
Just be careful not to ruin things based on issues from your past.
Just think "long and hard" about what concerns you want to address with him and don't let it turn into some "nitpicking frivolous nonsense."
Just think "long and hard" about what concerns you want to address with him and don't let it turn into some "nitpicking frivolous nonsense."
Hi - thanks. I think sometimes I am projecting some of my past relationship issues on him. I ended my last relationship with a guy I was supposed to marry. I thought for sure he was the one, but the longer we were together the more I felt he wanted to control what I did/who I hung out with. He wanted to be around me 24/7 - I couldn't even go to the grocery store alone - and we lived together!! However, I knew he really did love me, and even though he drove me crazy at times, I knew no matter what I did he'd be there.
I'm trying very hard to let the relationship build with this new guy, because I've always been a very independent person. I've moved all over the country by myself, and have really never had to answer to anyone. It was heartbreaking when I ended my last relationship, but I'm so thankful everyday that I did - being single is better than being with someone who doesn't make me completely happy. I'm starting to realize some of the mistakes I made with my ex, and the major one was moving things too fast in the beginning, and not fully getting to know each other before we talked about marriage. I'm terrified I will end up making the same mistake with someone else.
I definitely know I don't want to spend every waking minute with this new guy, and I need my own life outside the relationship. I still do my own things, and I hang out with my friends as much as I always have. Until I dated my ex, I had always been that way. It wasn't until the relationship ended I realized I was too dependent my ex, and I had a very hard time being "alone" for a while, and it scared me. But, the entire time we were together, my ex constantly pursued me. This new guy isn't like that, but he does contact me daily, and we do see each other pretty often. He's very sweet, and I've noticed he's becoming more affectionate in front of his friends. I guess the difference is, I had constant reassurance in my last realtionship that everything was fine, and with this new guy - I don't. I sort of feel like I'm holding back on showing him what a really great girlfriend I can be, because I don't want to put myself out there, and get rejected.
He's told me many times he loves how laid-back and easy-going I am, but I still want to be able to talk to him when something concerns me, but I don't ever want to appear 'needy.'
I'm trying very hard to let the relationship build with this new guy, because I've always been a very independent person. I've moved all over the country by myself, and have really never had to answer to anyone. It was heartbreaking when I ended my last relationship, but I'm so thankful everyday that I did - being single is better than being with someone who doesn't make me completely happy. I'm starting to realize some of the mistakes I made with my ex, and the major one was moving things too fast in the beginning, and not fully getting to know each other before we talked about marriage. I'm terrified I will end up making the same mistake with someone else.
I definitely know I don't want to spend every waking minute with this new guy, and I need my own life outside the relationship. I still do my own things, and I hang out with my friends as much as I always have. Until I dated my ex, I had always been that way. It wasn't until the relationship ended I realized I was too dependent my ex, and I had a very hard time being "alone" for a while, and it scared me. But, the entire time we were together, my ex constantly pursued me. This new guy isn't like that, but he does contact me daily, and we do see each other pretty often. He's very sweet, and I've noticed he's becoming more affectionate in front of his friends. I guess the difference is, I had constant reassurance in my last realtionship that everything was fine, and with this new guy - I don't. I sort of feel like I'm holding back on showing him what a really great girlfriend I can be, because I don't want to put myself out there, and get rejected.
He's told me many times he loves how laid-back and easy-going I am, but I still want to be able to talk to him when something concerns me, but I don't ever want to appear 'needy.'
I am not sure really where the problem is. It is like you are trying to "pick him apart" for "this and that."
First, you all are having sex, correct? Sex can't be the "centerpoint" of the relationship. Plus, I am not sure if the Sleep Apnea is making him more tired than usual. I don't think it is abnormal for sexual activity to "ebb and flow" throughout a relationship. Just wouldn't advise being so obsessed with this being the "indicator" of how great the relationship is.
If this texting is such a problem or bothersome to you you can ask him the next time he does it to call you instead if he can. Perhaps he is texting because he is trying to multi-task at the same time and it is just easier for him.
The situation with the shirts, hmmm, don't understand how that is weird that your bf wanted you to have a shirt you wanted so he bought it for you.
I don't see any "mixed signals." Sounds like a decent guy being himself.
May I ask what happened in your last relationship? I am not sure if you are projecting unresolved issues onto this new relationship from the last one.
First, you all are having sex, correct? Sex can't be the "centerpoint" of the relationship. Plus, I am not sure if the Sleep Apnea is making him more tired than usual. I don't think it is abnormal for sexual activity to "ebb and flow" throughout a relationship. Just wouldn't advise being so obsessed with this being the "indicator" of how great the relationship is.
If this texting is such a problem or bothersome to you you can ask him the next time he does it to call you instead if he can. Perhaps he is texting because he is trying to multi-task at the same time and it is just easier for him.
The situation with the shirts, hmmm, don't understand how that is weird that your bf wanted you to have a shirt you wanted so he bought it for you.
I don't see any "mixed signals." Sounds like a decent guy being himself.
May I ask what happened in your last relationship? I am not sure if you are projecting unresolved issues onto this new relationship from the last one.
Thanks for the responses. Sometimes I kind of feel like it's difficult to communicate with him too. He used to call me fairly often, and I would usually wait for him to call me. Now he texts me everyday and almost always initiates it, which is fine, but once in a while I'd like a short phone call. The last time we talked on the phone I called him. I just don't feel like I can really get to know him through texting.
I sort of feel like I'm getting mixed signals. On the one hand, he's inviting me to meet his friends, and doing better at making plans. On the other hand, he's only texting me, and now it seems as if he's not interested in sex as much. Sometimes I purposely ignore him when he texts me, because I get annoyed. When I do that, he keeps texting and asking if I'm okay. I start wondering why doesn't he just pick up the phone?
For example, I invited him to a friend's birthday bash a couple of weeks ago, which was at a shop/art gallery. They had some really cool shirts there, and he caught me looking at one, because he said, "You like that don't you?" I never said anything else about it but at the end of the night, he bought it for me and gave it to me in front of my friends. I thought it was very sweet but weird at the same time because I wasn't expecting him to do that - and I think it's because I'm getting (what I think) are mixed signals? I really want to talk to him about this but without freaking him out, but I also want to know how he's feeling about the situation too.
I sort of feel like I'm getting mixed signals. On the one hand, he's inviting me to meet his friends, and doing better at making plans. On the other hand, he's only texting me, and now it seems as if he's not interested in sex as much. Sometimes I purposely ignore him when he texts me, because I get annoyed. When I do that, he keeps texting and asking if I'm okay. I start wondering why doesn't he just pick up the phone?
For example, I invited him to a friend's birthday bash a couple of weeks ago, which was at a shop/art gallery. They had some really cool shirts there, and he caught me looking at one, because he said, "You like that don't you?" I never said anything else about it but at the end of the night, he bought it for me and gave it to me in front of my friends. I thought it was very sweet but weird at the same time because I wasn't expecting him to do that - and I think it's because I'm getting (what I think) are mixed signals? I really want to talk to him about this but without freaking him out, but I also want to know how he's feeling about the situation too.
It sounds like he's just trying to do what you asked and slow things down. It sounds like he's a sweet guy and a keeper as much as he sounds willing to connect with you at a level of intimacy even sex cannot offer. Just explain to him that while you thought things were moving too fast, you didn't mean you want it to stop completely. Explain you enjoy sex with him but were merely meaning you don't want it to be your entire relationship. Let him know you need to feel wanted just as much as he surely does and when you initiate all the time, you aren't having that need met.
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Some people rather be dominated in bed then be the one dominating. He has already shared with you about how he is and has been about sex in the past.
Combined with Sleep Apnea and a work schedule, I am surprised you all are having sex as much as you have had. Does he use a CPAP for his Sleep Apnea? Patients with Sleep Apea suffer from daytime drowsiness alot. Combined this with long sessions of "hot sex" almost every night, hmmmm, I think you get the point.
My husband was the same way, however, we didn't get intimate until 4 months into our relationship. I just accepted how he was. Over time it seemed my husband was more "in the mood" in the early morning hours vs. night. So, perhaps you could try switching up the time of day keeping in mind your work schedules of course.
I think he is just so comfortable with you to be who he really is.