Is there Hope

[in_transition_2010]

Me and my husband have been together for over 20 years between dating and yrs of marriage. We have one teenage child prior to marriage. We dated off and on for years before marriage. The problem: I thought I was doing the rt thing by doing what I considered to be forgiving my husband for transgressions before we got married. (not supported through pregnancy & irresponsible). When we got married I believed with my whole hear that he had mature and was ready for marriage. Our early years were pretty good. I tried to back away and allow him to develop his own bond with our child. I was very hurt when on one occassion I found him seeking out other women on a dating website. This began the decent of our relationship, over the years I found additional evidence of these same behaviors. He always denied it, even though I had proof or said he did as a joke, but he gave his real information. In addition to this he is very selfish and irresponsible (spending large amounts of money on himself) He never really like what I pictured a father would be with his son. He loves sports yet he never introduced this to his son, watching or actually engaging in real activities. Then he began to become extremely jeolous, going through my things, trying to keep tabs on me via telephone. Then one day I was shocked when he actually pushed me, these incidents were few and far between but they still occurred. I never had even cursed at him. During one very heated arguement he walked out the door and said F##K U I opened the door and gave him the finger he came back in the door and choked me. Long story short, all of these things along with the financial strain, emotional strain of accussing me of cheating for years and my dislike for his parenting skills, eroded our relationships. I had a serious talk with him and told him everything I needed to help our relationship improve. Nothing changed, I begged him to go to counseling, he refused. Well in my mind we were done and this resulting in me making change which was not smart and totally out of my character. I cheated, it was wrong. I actually left my husband for a couple of months and tried to make this relationship work with this person. But I had lived as a wall flower for so long that at the first sign of trouble I left him to. Well fast forward to the future, my husband convinced me that we should be reunited, he said he could handle what happened and he realized his part in the demize of our relationship. So I believe him and we got back together but it hasn't been good. Every agruement we have result n it all being my fault because I left. And when I bring thing hes done in the past then I'm living in the past. Most of the traits I saw before are still true now, there has been no physical abuse or anything. But financial, irresponsibilty, selfishness and parenting are still serious issues. Wish leads me to the questions. Am I just over reacting and there is hope for us, or did I just make the same mistake twice?

[adr333]

I would leave.

[imanaddict]

This relationship/marriage doesn't seem salvageable in my opinion. You need to do what is best for your and your child before your husband's temper flares one more time and it becomes physical again. Next time it might not be you he hits, it could be your child.

Also, if he does ever put his hands on you in any way shape or form, call the police immediately and seek a restraining order.

[specialmom]

I think it is okay to leave a relationship if someone has been violent torwards you---- and choking counts as that.  He was trying to leave (and angry people should be left alone----  don't ever go after them)----  but he actually put his hands around your throat.  

You've given this your best shot.  You've tried to get him to counseling and you've tried to communicate.  He isn't listening.  So, I'm not telling you to leave----  but it does seem as though you've tried very hard here.

Now, you cheated.  Not good.  What I would suggest is that if you leave this relationship that you do not go straight into another relationship.  You need to gain personal emotional stregth first.  Work on things regarding yourself and grow as much as you can as a person.  If you can go to a therapist to sort through the emotions of your marriage----  that would be helpful.   You'll need a plan--  where you'll live, how you will support yourself, custody issues for your child, etc.  But don't date for a while (I'd say a year . . . sorry, I k now you don't want to hear that . . . but emotionally, any other romantic relationship will be tough right now).  And when you do get into a relationship---  don't go from 0 to 10.  Go slowly.  This gives you the best chance of adjusting to it.  Good luck.

[mami1323]

We all love to give second, third and fourth chances...because we feel in our heart it's the right thing to do.  It's not a mistake that you gave your husband another chance, you honestly, truly wanted to and that's ok.  We learn and grow from our decisions, whether they be the right ones or not.  What I've learned in my short 32 years of life, is that people don't change unless they want to change.  Even though your husband wanted you back and you had hoped that the time apart would be a wake up call to him, he didn't follow through on his promises.  Which most don't unless they take the time and energy and effort into making the changes stick.  It's hard to change ourselves when we have lived the same way for so many years.  I feel like your husband is who he is and unless he wants to be different there is no changing him.  There is no excuse for his physical violence, so that would be a good reason not to continue the relationship with him.  You have to make a choice, can you live with who he is and just accept him for who he is and what he does?  Or you can leave and find someone who is more your speed.  Just to let you know, no relationship is perfect, there will be bumps in the road with any man you are with.  So you can't run at the smallest sign of trouble.  Although, it's good to be intolerant of certain mistreatment, if you feel like it is cause enough to leave.  But you won't ever find a relationship where there isn't some type of hurdle that needs to be overcome.  There is a limit though to what you will tolerate and perhaps your husband is just not the right person for you.