Aa
Should I move on?
Recently my boyfriend of 81/2 yrs. has left me for a much younger person! I am 51 and he at this time is 37 the girl he is with is 22 not only is she younger but she was one of his best friends girlfriends! This has caused much hardship on not just the people involved but my entire family, my ex acts like a totally different person and has made many enemies. I feel that i need to speak with him about everything in person, but i wonder if i am just wasting my time and energy on someone that doesn't care? Also since our split I found out that this is not the first time he has gone outside of our relationship, he confessed this to me in the cowardly fashion on the phone after he was asked for the truth! I am suppose to meet with him in a few weeks to talk part of me wants to send him packing for good the other part wants to see if there is still hope for this once great relationship? I still have strong feelings for him even tho he has hurt me and so many others! Is he going thru a midlife crisis or is he just a jerk that has played an important part in my kids,grandson and my life and been faking [being a nice guy]?? The man I see before me now has most of the signs of midlife crisis ,not the guy I fell in love with years ago!! What do I do??
I understand the need for closure. But knowing 'WHY, HOW,WHAT IF,WAS IT ME, WHOS FAULT" doesn't mean closure. It means you know and you have more answers.
It won't change the fact that he still did it.
Don't get me wrong. I agree that you should talk to him. But talking to him won't absorb what has happened. Have realistic expectations. Think about you a how you are going to cope and what steps you are going to take to get past this. How will you heal?
When someone betrays you it sometimes changes certain aspects of your paradigm. Sandy201 is correct. Don't just send him off; but I would also say that you should have realistic expectations.
PassionFlower
It won't change the fact that he still did it.
Don't get me wrong. I agree that you should talk to him. But talking to him won't absorb what has happened. Have realistic expectations. Think about you a how you are going to cope and what steps you are going to take to get past this. How will you heal?
When someone betrays you it sometimes changes certain aspects of your paradigm. Sandy201 is correct. Don't just send him off; but I would also say that you should have realistic expectations.
PassionFlower
Thanks sandy, I will keep that in mind, it always helps to have other point of views. I do feel confident that this is the right way to go about it because you are right I have too many unanswered questions and i do need to see him face to face! THANKS AGAIN!:)
even if it ends completley, giving him a chance to explain his side and emotions about the whole ordeal and you vice-versa will atleast give YOU closer. If you send him packing , you will always wonder, WHY, HOW,WHAT IF,WAS IT ME, WHOS FAULT. Etc... The point is, after that long you need some type of closure, sending him off, is just playing a game with yourself , hoping deep down in your heart sometime, somewhere he will return, and that sets you up for a dissapoinment. I know if would make you look like a strong person but you have to do what is right for your soul in the long run with this. Let him talk , tell him how you feel, decide and then move on.
Thank you all for the feed back I will let you know how my (closure) talk goes in a few weeks!
Women go through it as well, I can name two men on this board that are going through it now with their wives (soon to be ex-wives). I think specialmom is correct in saying that it is choices they make regardless of what they call it. They just needed a name for it because they see it so often, so why not call it mid-life crisis. I think people change, people can't always go by what is expected of them. No it may not be right the choices they make and they may hurt other people in the process but there are no guarantees in life. You just have to live your own life to the fullest and make sure that you are not so dependent on the person you are with.
yeah I guess you are correct. What you say makes sense.
I still strongly advocate the "choices" theory though. One must still evaluate how his or her actions will effect those around them. Buying the sports car is not too bad, but when one picks up the 20 year old "chicky" or "cocky", this causes others to be hurt. When one is 60 and the "chicky/cocky" realizes that her man (or his woman) is aging faster or that there is a real difference in age, This too causes problems.
People should just think about how their actions affect others. Maybe their are regrets, but don't compound the situation with a decision born form panic or fear. These actions tear lives a part and create wounds that don't heal.
It is hard I Know, and easy to say "make the right choice". But it also show a lot of character, and a good resolve. Something which far less people have.
But with that being said, I am completely flexible with my opinion. My life thus far has shown me that even that which is guaranteed is written with invisible ink.
I still strongly advocate the "choices" theory though. One must still evaluate how his or her actions will effect those around them. Buying the sports car is not too bad, but when one picks up the 20 year old "chicky" or "cocky", this causes others to be hurt. When one is 60 and the "chicky/cocky" realizes that her man (or his woman) is aging faster or that there is a real difference in age, This too causes problems.
People should just think about how their actions affect others. Maybe their are regrets, but don't compound the situation with a decision born form panic or fear. These actions tear lives a part and create wounds that don't heal.
It is hard I Know, and easy to say "make the right choice". But it also show a lot of character, and a good resolve. Something which far less people have.
But with that being said, I am completely flexible with my opinion. My life thus far has shown me that even that which is guaranteed is written with invisible ink.
COMMUNITY LEADER
ha ha passion. Lay off the coffee will ya? LOL
Woman can have a crisis as well but it is a more common thing to happen for men. Some go into a depression of sorts and try to come out of it by doing these things that are almost cliche. It isn't an excuse for bad behavior but happens, none the less.
I won't lie, I'm now hitting the mid 40's range. You start to think about how much time is left and what you've done up until this point. I'm satisfied and too busy to really worry about this but some people feel a desperate feeling that time is running out. Why not spend all that cash in the bank on the car they always wanted? or whatever it may be.
Not good. And doesn't happen to everyone or even half of everyone. But it happens. Opinion only here . . . of course. Nothing more than that.
Woman can have a crisis as well but it is a more common thing to happen for men. Some go into a depression of sorts and try to come out of it by doing these things that are almost cliche. It isn't an excuse for bad behavior but happens, none the less.
I won't lie, I'm now hitting the mid 40's range. You start to think about how much time is left and what you've done up until this point. I'm satisfied and too busy to really worry about this but some people feel a desperate feeling that time is running out. Why not spend all that cash in the bank on the car they always wanted? or whatever it may be.
Not good. And doesn't happen to everyone or even half of everyone. But it happens. Opinion only here . . . of course. Nothing more than that.
Do women have these kinds of crisis's (sorry for the spelling)? Why is it dismissed or "called a midlife crisis" when men behavior this way? It is simply not acceptable.
People must be held accountable for their actions. I think the most direct thing to say is:This is a choice! The paths we take are determined by our choices (most paths). There is always a choice. Even in the worst of situations- you/we are still given a choice. We make the best choices we can, but we still have free will. Men should not get a pass.
Women, lets get angry as hell and hold these men accountable!!!
PassionFlower09
People must be held accountable for their actions. I think the most direct thing to say is:This is a choice! The paths we take are determined by our choices (most paths). There is always a choice. Even in the worst of situations- you/we are still given a choice. We make the best choices we can, but we still have free will. Men should not get a pass.
Women, lets get angry as hell and hold these men accountable!!!
PassionFlower09
COMMUNITY LEADER
Lou, I think you have made the best decision. It is really hard though when we think of what someone meant to us and to our life. Sounds like he has been an integral part of things with not just you but your family and that is important to acknowledge. He did the unthinkable and cheated but I think you are honest to say it wasn't all bad and you'll miss the good times and having that "significant" other. I wish you peace in your heart and that you find someone to spend your time with that will be just as important to your life.
And yes, some men hit the late 30's to 50 and do fall into the category of midlife crisis. They get the sports car, the young chick and Italian sun glasses . . . or something like that. But even if that is the case, it is a character flaw.
Peace and good luck to you.
And yes, some men hit the late 30's to 50 and do fall into the category of midlife crisis. They get the sports car, the young chick and Italian sun glasses . . . or something like that. But even if that is the case, it is a character flaw.
Peace and good luck to you.
It seems like you made the right choice. It is hard sometimes. On one hand, you care about a person. But on the other hand, it hurts YOU more to care about this person.
Think long term. There is nothing worse than to love a person who doesn't love you as much as you love them. You end up being the giver and the sacraficer. It lowers your value in their eyes and they will never respect you. You don't want a person who cheated on you. You deserve so much better than that. I can't over emphasize this. Don't let yourself down. You value YOU enough to say, "NO, this behavior is not acceptable and he will not be allowed to treat me this way". When you see him, tell him this. Oh yeah, look like the fantastic, mature, priceless woman you are.Let him understand:
1) That his behavior was wrong, and you won't tolerate it from any man, woman, cat, dog etc.
2) That he just lost the best damn thing that will ever happen to him in his sorry a _s_s
Think long term. There is nothing worse than to love a person who doesn't love you as much as you love them. You end up being the giver and the sacraficer. It lowers your value in their eyes and they will never respect you. You don't want a person who cheated on you. You deserve so much better than that. I can't over emphasize this. Don't let yourself down. You value YOU enough to say, "NO, this behavior is not acceptable and he will not be allowed to treat me this way". When you see him, tell him this. Oh yeah, look like the fantastic, mature, priceless woman you are.Let him understand:
1) That his behavior was wrong, and you won't tolerate it from any man, woman, cat, dog etc.
2) That he just lost the best damn thing that will ever happen to him in his sorry a _s_s
the only reason i felt he has the signs of midlife crisis is he falls into the criteria, his sudden behavior and( yes) questionable moral, his father passed away a few years ago he never really dealt with his passing and we had to basically take care of his mothers alcoholism and rehab issues, he is so far into debt that i know if it were me i couldn't sleep at night, i know this just sounds like i am making excuses for him now but i just can't sit back and watch someone i care about hit bottom.there is no future for us the trust is gone and that is the one thing i always had with him until recently!
the only reason i felt he has the signs of midlife crisis is he falls into the criteria, his sudden behavior and( yes) questionable moral, his father passed away a few years ago he never really dealt with his passing and we had to basically take care of his mothers alcoholism and rehab issues, he is so far into debt that i know if it were me i couldn't sleep at night, i know this just sounds like i am making excuses for him now but i just can't sit back and watch someone i care about hit bottom.there is no future for us the trust is gone and that is the one thing i always had with him until recently!
thanks for the advice, basically i have already let him go, and every day i feel better about my decision.i guess i just thought meeting him face to face would give me closure?
Hmmm, I really can't say that it's worth fixing. He is also much younger than you so I don't think that this is his mid-life crisis. Perhaps he didn't view your relationship the same any longer. Is he willing to work things out with you? Because it sounds to me that he has already made his decision. He isn't begging for your forgiveness, he's already moved on. If he does come back, I don't know how permanent his return would be. Eight and a half years is a very long relationship, so I don't blame you for not wanting to just throw it all away but again, you can't save a relationship if the other person isn't willing to work hard at rebuilding it. If it helps to gain closure to meet up with him to talk, then make sure that's all you do. It's very easy to allow someone back in and have them take total advantage of you during your vulnerable stage. Good luck.
This dosn't sound so much like a mid life crisis, it sounds more like a guy with questionable morals - he has shown you the ultimate level of disrespect by repeatedly cheating on you. Im sorry to be blunt - but really - wether you get back with him depends on how much you respect yourself.
However, it dosen't sound like thats an option anyway - as he's with this 22 year old - but really, you may not see it yet - but he's probably doing you a favor.
Good wishes healing after this relationship :-)
However, it dosen't sound like thats an option anyway - as he's with this 22 year old - but really, you may not see it yet - but he's probably doing you a favor.
Good wishes healing after this relationship :-)
He already left you, has done this before without you knowing...why would you forgive him and try to get him back?
Just let him go.
Just let him go.
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