Aa
Step family syndrome
I'm married. Have 1 child with my husband and 3 children from previous relationships. Children are 17, 16, 10 and 3. My oldest 2 are boys and they just can't stand my husband. We've been together for about 5 years now and my husband has done nothing but want the best for all my children. He knows they dont like him so he just tries his best to stay out if their way. I dont know what to do anymore. My sons are very rude and disrespectful to him and when I ask them what it is that they dont like about him the only thing they say is that he is annoying. I dont understand. I try to tell him that they're just teenagers being rebelious but he takes it all to heart. Heeeeelp!!!
Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any advise?
Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Any advise?
Yes counseling is my next move. Thanx so much to you all. I wiil keep you posted.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, lets think about what would motivate them to be respectful? Work this into your "chore or to do list" for an allowance. Make it part of what they have to do at home to "earn" something. Get creative and think of something that they would LOVE to do and set it up for the three of them to do it together.
And what about the option of counseling. A family counselor could provide some guidance. I know you think they'll be resistent but what is happening will hang with them for life. How they deal with problems or feelings is something that you want to set up a healthy pattern for reconciling. They should learn to express themselves.
Your husband should stay out of any discipline and do as he is doing for the time being of just being friendly and polite to them.
And I would make it absolutely clear to your boys that by disrespecting your husband they are disrespecting you and you take that seriously.
Consider the rewards--------- if you can't just convince them to do it, then motivate them somehow. good luck
And what about the option of counseling. A family counselor could provide some guidance. I know you think they'll be resistent but what is happening will hang with them for life. How they deal with problems or feelings is something that you want to set up a healthy pattern for reconciling. They should learn to express themselves.
Your husband should stay out of any discipline and do as he is doing for the time being of just being friendly and polite to them.
And I would make it absolutely clear to your boys that by disrespecting your husband they are disrespecting you and you take that seriously.
Consider the rewards--------- if you can't just convince them to do it, then motivate them somehow. good luck
Thanx to all for your responses.
To: Teko
I agree 100%. They have to respect him and I told them that. I said exacly what you said, not having to love him but respect him as an adult. But they truely don't care. And even if they dont SAY anything they're rolling their eyes or sucking their teeth. Truely disrespectful. I feel so bad for my husband and at the same time embarrassed at their behavior.
To: Serious Sam
Their dad is the one that left NY. We've been divorced for almost 13 years and he moved about a year after our divorce.
To: Special mom
I tell them all the time about being polite to people but I don't think they know the meaning. When I try to talk to them they say what I say doesnt make sense or i'm being soooo"random". Bottom line is that they dont care and they just cant wait to turn 18 (whatever that means).
To: Teko
I agree 100%. They have to respect him and I told them that. I said exacly what you said, not having to love him but respect him as an adult. But they truely don't care. And even if they dont SAY anything they're rolling their eyes or sucking their teeth. Truely disrespectful. I feel so bad for my husband and at the same time embarrassed at their behavior.
To: Serious Sam
Their dad is the one that left NY. We've been divorced for almost 13 years and he moved about a year after our divorce.
To: Special mom
I tell them all the time about being polite to people but I don't think they know the meaning. When I try to talk to them they say what I say doesnt make sense or i'm being soooo"random". Bottom line is that they dont care and they just cant wait to turn 18 (whatever that means).
Just out of curiosity which parent moved out of which state? Did anybody think to do divorce/family counseling?
Both parents will tend to act immature in these settings, but their is in most cases a documented tendency (80 % according to research done in CA) of mothers to want to cut dad's out of the kid's lives.
Kids tend to remember things like this.
Both parents will tend to act immature in these settings, but their is in most cases a documented tendency (80 % according to research done in CA) of mothers to want to cut dad's out of the kid's lives.
Kids tend to remember things like this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
One other thing after that marathon session . . . have you ever considered a punching bag in the basement or something? It helps boys of that age take out a lot of frustration in a way that no one gets hurt. Soothes their nervous systems.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. This is tricky stuff. Boys suffer so much in a divorce because they stay with Mom usually and the father/son relationship becomes damaged (often). They are vulnerable and you know deep down that they hurt at the core of it. Anger so often covers up hurt. It isn't their step dad that they are truly mad at . . . they don't even know what they are mad at. Life and how it worked out for them, I guess.
If I were in that situation, and I have two boys that I love dearly, I think I'd take a cautious approach. My boys are much younger . . . but emotionally, boys of 17 and 16 are still often pretty immature. Here is what I'd do. I'd start to improve YOUR communication with them. I'd try to talk to them about it. I'd try to get to the heart of their feelings about their bio dad. They'll resist this most likely. I'd ask them to talk to someone else about it. Then I'd find a male therapist for them to see. They may still resist, but if you explain it as someone to just listen to how they feel------ they might go for it.
I'd then set a boundary. I do expect my boys---------- no matter who it is--------- to respect adults. I'd explain to them that they must be polite and that is your expectation of them. They don't have to love your husband-------- but they must treat him as they would any adult with respect. I'd lay it out there and make it a rule.
We will always be faced with people that we resent and are angry with at times . . . bosses, mother in laws (I'm not saying anything . . . LOL). Part of life is dealing with people and being polite when you don't feel like it. A big thing to learn is that you can't any way you feel like and say whatever you want. You just can't. We tell my son (who is a lot younger . . . and has no filter) that you can think it but not say it. That you have to put it in a thought bubble. Or you can tell your boys to keep a journal and write it. Sounds silly------- but I'm telling you. One session of taking it all out on paper and not getting in trouble for saying it may make them feel better in a constructive way. But you just can't say whatever you want.
Then I'd give them a free pass in their room. Step dad doesn't go in there and they can go there whenever they feel like it. It is "their space".
I don't know if this helps at all. But I'm sure this is a stressful situation for the family. An outing or bonding moment . . . anything you can think of between them and your husband would be awesome. Wishing you the best of luck.
If I were in that situation, and I have two boys that I love dearly, I think I'd take a cautious approach. My boys are much younger . . . but emotionally, boys of 17 and 16 are still often pretty immature. Here is what I'd do. I'd start to improve YOUR communication with them. I'd try to talk to them about it. I'd try to get to the heart of their feelings about their bio dad. They'll resist this most likely. I'd ask them to talk to someone else about it. Then I'd find a male therapist for them to see. They may still resist, but if you explain it as someone to just listen to how they feel------ they might go for it.
I'd then set a boundary. I do expect my boys---------- no matter who it is--------- to respect adults. I'd explain to them that they must be polite and that is your expectation of them. They don't have to love your husband-------- but they must treat him as they would any adult with respect. I'd lay it out there and make it a rule.
We will always be faced with people that we resent and are angry with at times . . . bosses, mother in laws (I'm not saying anything . . . LOL). Part of life is dealing with people and being polite when you don't feel like it. A big thing to learn is that you can't any way you feel like and say whatever you want. You just can't. We tell my son (who is a lot younger . . . and has no filter) that you can think it but not say it. That you have to put it in a thought bubble. Or you can tell your boys to keep a journal and write it. Sounds silly------- but I'm telling you. One session of taking it all out on paper and not getting in trouble for saying it may make them feel better in a constructive way. But you just can't say whatever you want.
Then I'd give them a free pass in their room. Step dad doesn't go in there and they can go there whenever they feel like it. It is "their space".
I don't know if this helps at all. But I'm sure this is a stressful situation for the family. An outing or bonding moment . . . anything you can think of between them and your husband would be awesome. Wishing you the best of luck.
I had the same thought at first, but if you look at the ages the only thing she can due is foster better relationships between dad and step dad and hope that the perceived threat is lessened. They are essentially young adults as far as the law goes and will/can only breed more resentment until they move out.
Good luck
Good luck
The relationship between your sons and your husband is as Sam said pretty standard stuff. However, there needs to be some boundaries set as to the type of behavior and attitude that would be considered acceptable or even respectful. They dont have to love him like a father, but they do have to show him the respect he is due. He is in there life and is head of the household and should be treated as such. If the roles were reversed and your husband treated the boys the way they are treating him, would that not be considered abusive? As far as the relationship end of it, that will have to work itself out in time, but in the interim your husband does not deserve what he is getting and I am sure it hurts him. Dont make excuses for those kids, being a rebellious teen is not nor has it ever been an excuse to be rude and intentionally hurtful to others, especially a parent figure. If you and your husband stand as one, it will help pull the relationships together. IMO
Either way you have a relationship with dad that makes any relationship with step dad a betrayal. Real or perceived this is pretty much a text book case.
Well we live in NY and he's in Florida so he can do but so much. He calls once in a while but he's not really that involved. But I dont stop him or them from having a relationship. In fact 1 of them is in Florida now. The other didnt want to go.
He is essentially a replacement dad. Do you encourage a relationship with their father or has he been put in a competition that he can't win.
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