Is there anything left I can do?

[cole898989]

I cannot believe what a hard time I’m having with this break up. If you have seen my previous posts, the story is all there. I broke up with my boyfriend for constantly talking down to me, and being a jerk all around. So why am I so torn up about this? He is not the first (or the longest) serious relationship I have been in.
It was hard at first, because he wouldn’t speak to me. He was to “mad and betrayed to have anything to say”. So I let him do what he needed, while I’m here, crying about someone who used to be so close to me, hating me so much. But it was almost easier than, it gave me a reason to be mad.
Then he was a nice guy, called again,  apologizing, saying he knew it was the way he acted that made things end.Thats he is sorry, and he wishes me the best.  We decided not to speak again, but keep each other numbers in case of emergencies.
I feel like I have gotten all the closure I deserve...but I’m still a wreck. I cry A LOT. I guess it’s mostly hard for me because for a long I pictured myself having a future with him. It’s hard to just let that all go. There was so much good. I had never felt so strongly, so much passion for anyone.  
I’ve been trying to help myself out by keeping busy. I got out of the state for a couple days to go visit friends. I have been getting up in the morning and going for a runs. It all helps just a little, but I’m worried not enough. I guess I’m just scared that this relationship wrecked me so much, I won’t be able to let anyone in again. I’m afraid I won’t find myself loving anyone like I loved him.
I can’t stop thinking about him. Even though my decision was clearly for the best. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m up one minute and down the next. Every day is hard.
I feel like I have done everything im supposed to do to get over someone. Grieve , get out ,keep busy, cut off communication.
What else can I possibly do to get over this?

[mami1323]

Well it sounds like you are being very positive about this break up.  I know your emotions switch back and forth so frequently that it's hard to keep up with it.  But in time, you won't feel that way anymore.  Keep up the good work.

[Judy246]

You bet. You are just special and I am so proud of you. Keep pulling out that list and add to it as many times as you want and I do understand what you mean about the grief support forum and my mother died July 19, 2007 and that is the reason I came to Medhelp. Grief of losing mom.

I recommend that you find one really good friend and go visit your dad. This will empower you not to wait or be dependant on the bf to take you anywhere, but go when you are ready. I visit my mom 4x a week and I have her grave with beautiful flowers.

Stay with us anytime you feel you can't handle your loss....we will get you through...Judy

[cole898989]

thank you everyone. Judy, I took your advice and made a list. I keep it on me always, and have already pulled it out more times to re-read than I can even count. I really think it helps. I checked out the grief forum like you said, but I felt a little silly writing for advice there, whilste everyone else is actually dealing with a death of a loved one. I felt ...almost disrespectful.

On another note, im very sorry for the loss of your mother.From what you wrote about her, you two sounded very close and she sounds like a wonderful woman.

My father passed away on June 19th, when I was very young. its the day before my birthday, I havent gone to his grave site since I was about...7. The guy I was seeing, had planned on going with me this month. So its just one more thing making this a hard time for me.

Thank you again, everyone. Im letting time take care of this, best I can. Day by day right?

[Judy246]

Cole...their is also a grief support forum that is not only for people like myself who have experience a death. My mother died in my arms and I went thru hell. I had to go thru the grief process and if it were not for that forum's support, I would still be a wreck. Use that forum to support your grief also....Judy

[Judy246]

Hi my little garden flower Cole, Remember what we talked about before? What you are experiencing is the grief process. You are grieving a loss like a death and it is something that just doesn't go away in a week or two. It will take a long time, because you loved him, but I think it's also that you became very co-dependent on him emotionally and what you might not see right now, but will see 20 yrs. down the future path is that this terrible experience will mature you. You will be a better person in the long run and will be able to handle any relationship issue that will come our way. It will mature you in decision making. It's a hard way of become more mature and experienced, but that life in general.

Write down a list of all the horrible thinkgs he said and did to you and every time you have a weak moment or have that addictive feeling to call him, pull out that list and reread what he has done. Make a list of all the good and the bad and the bad outweigh the good, pull out that list and remember that you are beautiful, kind, generous, sweet, gentle, proud and deserve everything that is out their waiting for you, but remember, it will happen naturally. Your going to be ok with time and it can take a very long time, so, summer is almost here, surround yourself with new friends, different environment, family support, us and we will get ya thru this baby girl....Judy

[imanaddict]

I am so proud of you! Even though it may not feel like it now...you did the right thing. Unfortunately there is nothing easy about a break up, but it WILL get better with time...I promise! You are already taking the necessary steps to mend your broken heart by cutting off all communication. Staying in contact only prolongs the hurt. Don't reminisce over all the "good" you had because the bad is always easily forgotten when you have a broken heart and you must remember why you are no longer together. The only thing to do now is just move forward (NOT backward)  and date again when you are ready. This situation will make you stronger as a woman and will help recognize the signs of an unworthy man in future relationships. Listen to your instincts and run at the first sign of any negativity that could land you right where you are now. Again..I am proud of you!!!!

[KATE535]

I agree with the others. It's easy to look back through rose tinted glasses at what you had with him, and easy to think about what you *think* you miss. At least you acknowledge he treated you badly, so that's one step in the right direction.
Like the others said, it's a step by step thing now and so you cannot expect to be feeling yourself just yet. But you are doing well in distracting yourself from him in different ways. Things will get better over time because feelings fade, you may find someone new to take your mind off him compltely, that time will come eventually. But in the mean time I would, like teko said, make a note of all his negative points and everytime you feel you are slipping into sadness about missing him, look at those points and remind yourself of why you ended the relationship.

[teko]

I have a smoking addiction. When I decided to quit, My reserve and will to do it was strong. Not so much that I wanted out, but knew that if I did not quit, it would destroy me.  As time went by, the good thoughts were the ones that I remembered. How it felt to sit and talk over a drink and a smoke, on the phone, etc. The bad things about it began to take a back seat in my memory and the impulse to go back crept into my thoughts. The more I allowed my mind to go there the stronger the impulse was and then all I could think about was going back.  Ultimately I did.  Oh that first one tasted soooo good, and I thought maybe I could continue to smoke and not go back to the control it had over me. Not this time.  NOT, Before long, my habit was just as bad if not worse than before. I thought it was something I could control and not let it get that bad again. Now, I am so sorry I let those thoughts into my mind, cause now the will power and the reserve is much weaker and the dream of getting out from under again, much weaker. I may never be able to do this again, it is much harder now!

Sound familiar?

Put one step in front of the other and keep walking, do not let your mind entertain the thought of what you are missing. Sit down and right down in black and white every instance you can remember about what was wrong with your relationship and post it on your fridge. Then, when you meet someone new, check back from time to time to make sure you are not falling for the same type guy in another body. Until you get your self esteem back this will be a danger for you. Do overs never work, no matter what the gift wrap looks like. Stay strong.

[mami1323]

Nothing, just keep going on with your with your life.  It will get better but only after time.  You’ve heard time heals all wounds, well this is the truth and it’s really the only thing left to do.  However, you can either chose to sit at home and be sad and depressed, thinking about a man who isn’t worth thinking of or you can go out with friends, go to parties, go shopping, go to the gym, get your nails done, do your hair, go on vacation, concentrate on school, get a part time job.  All of these things will distract you and then one day you will realize that you are not thinking about him.  You will catch yourself saying “gee, I haven’t even had one thought of him today.”  You will be on an emotional rollercoaster for awhile but in time it does get easier.  That’s all you can do but continue to keep moving forward.  Good luck.