Very lonely and unhappy.....

[ilw]

My husband and I have 2 children - 2 and a half y.o. and 8 month old. Ever since our first child was born we hadn't had any decent sex life. We'd have sex once a month or once every two weeks, but rarely more than that. Every time I try to initiate something my husband would simply say "I'm tired" or "I'm not in the mood". I've told him many times how I feel about it and we've talked many times and every time he'd acknowledge that he should change and try harder, but he never does anything :((( the problem is that we have no intimacy whatsoever. We never even french kiss anymore, because he doesn't want to. We rarely hug, we don't watch tv together, we don't go out, we don't do anything. We play with the kids and everything we do includes the kids. We don't have any family around us and don't want to use a babysitter, but even after the kids go to bed my husband still doesn't want to engage with me. He'd sit on the computer or watch tv, he'd talk to me, share problems, work issues, we'd talk about the future, make plans together, but we just wouldn't be intimate. We're like friends, like room mates and that's it. I just stopped trying to do anything with him, because at some point it's a matter of dignity and I simply got tired of being rejected. Like I said we've talked MILLIONS of times. And that doesn't help. So what do I do next?

I realize that having two very active kids could be very stressful, but when thing get better? I'm very lonely, particullary in the evenings when he puts our son to sleep and simply falls asleep with him:(((

[megochick101]

As to the passion just diminishing with kids it does at first, me and my husband are both 23 and we have a almost 3yo son and an 8 m old daughter(same age as yours) and when our daughter first came around, i was the one who never wanted to have sex, my husband got maybe 3 sessions a month for the first 3 or so months because sex was just the last thing on my mind, but after that we were basically back on track, he had a long(it was very long for my husband lol) talk with me and we got all our feelings/thoughts out, my stress with a new baby and all that comes with it and his problems with me not paying any attention to him and after that things changed. He started helping me more with the kids, which in turn lessened my stress and boom sex drive was back. So we took a 3 or so month break but then were back to pre baby passion, with slightly less frequency though, since it's just not possible to have all the sex you want with 2 kids lol

I hate to say this but it sounds like your husband has a serious sexual problem if you've paraded your "best assets" in front of him and he is still using excuses to not have sex. How old is he? Is there some possibility of an arousal problem? I know you don't want to hear this but you need to have the millionth and one talk about this and tell him how you feel neglected and that you want a fulfilling sex life again and I would definitely recommend marriage counseling to figure out what is up with him. No matter how tired you are there is still room for a sexual relationship, most bodies demand some after so long, plus it'll help ease his stress and relax him!

[Judy246]

It seems that your husband has become comfortable with the relationship as is and with work, home, kids & wife, he's tired. This does happen to all relationships with families. It hits a "rut" stage and does cause conflict in the marriage. He has told you that he's tired. It's a combination of being comfortable with his life style and tired from work. You always have options. You stated that you have already talked to him a million time, "discuss" the matter one more time, tell him that you are feeling unhappy, because of the lack of attention and intimacy he has given you and there is a problem when you are feeling neglected. If he once again does not want to discuss it with you, consider bringing to his attention the need for a marriage counselor, this should wake him up, if it doesn't, recommend a priest/rev. or whatever religious denomination your are from, if that doesn't work, consider a seperation, if that doesn't work, you will need to serious re-evalute your relationshp and if you are going to settle with life as it is or take the necessary steps to start feeling human again. The decision is yours.  Good Luck

[ilw]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and reply to it. I appreciate your advice and I'll definately consider the babysitter as an option. My husband was the one who was more against it, but I'll try to talk him into it.

What really, really bothers me is that I've already tried many times walking around naked after shower or putting nice lingerie but he just doesn't care at all. He'd simply look at me and say "you look great, but I'm too tired." Or "it's too late, I have to go to work tomorrow". The funny thing is that I've lost all my baby weight and look even better than before, but still nothing happens... I've tried everyhting that used to turn him on, but nothing works. And he'd always find an excuse - too much stress at work, too much stress raising the kids. I've told him many times that I'm unhappy, but he never does anything to change the situation. That's why I'm starting to believe that he simply doesn't care about me and doesn't love me anymore. He says he does, but I think that if he really does he'd try to change.

Is that the way it is? Kids come along and passion disappears?

[megochick101]

I would definitely suggest the night out like sammy said, if you have a hard time finding a babysitter, i found one at care.com. It's a good professional website, you can get references from babysitters, backround checks etc and you can search for people in your area or post what you are looking for. There's babysitter who work part time/full time and some who can come babysit same day(although i would recommend interviewing them first) But it's a great site to find sitters when you are away from family or moved to a new town(both in my situation)

But if you really really want some action now, put the kids to bed early and then walk out into the living room or wherever he is naked. That'll get his attention pretty fast and then take control from there. Or you could get a new pair of sexy lingerie and do it. It certainly will get his attention on you and not anything else.

[sammy73]

Sorry to read about your problems.  Sadly, this is not that unusual to happen to a couple in the first few years after kids.  I guess it is more common the other way round, that the mother is too tired for intimacy while the husband wants things to be as they were before, but this way round is common enough too.

Being too tired I believe is rarely a valid reason for not wanting sex.  If you want it, you'll find the time, and the energy, at least occasionally.

Some men cease to see their wives as sexual objects, as objects of desire, once kids come along.  They just see their partner as their friend, and their kids mother.  They no longer really see the girl who used to excite them and turn them on.  It sounds a lot like this is what's happening to you.

I'm not really sure what to suggest here.  You say you've talked about this plenty.  My best advice is that you need to spend more time just the two of you.  I appreciate how difficult this is with an 8-month-old, and with the older kid not that much older I'm guessing you never reached a point where you and your husband could go out for the night after they were born and before the second came along.

I understand that it's more difficult when you don't have family living near - I'm in a similar situation.  I do really think you should start cultivating a relationship with a babysitter nearby, someone who will get to know your kids, so you can go out.  Even if you wait until the baby is in bed, the sitter could put the other one in bed and you could go out to the cinema, or for a meal.  Something that will help him see you as his partner, his lover, not just the mother of his kids.

Ideally I'd suggest a weekend away, which would give you more quality time together and him plenty of time to sleep so he doesn't have that excuse!  But I guess your youngest is too young for that, so that'll have to wait.

Good luck, I hope things improve...