Violence

[lovemykids465]

What is your stance on physical violence in a relationship. I know that seems like a strange question but it was brought up in a convo I was having with someone and it really made me think. This couple have been married for 12 years, they have 3 children. He cheated on her 4 years ago. They decided to stay together and have their ups and downs ( the affair lasted about 8 months until she found out, gave him an ultimatum and it ended), The thing is My husband and I are great friends with both of them and you can see that they truly love one another but lately they have been fighting a lot, mainly about money. They got into it last weekend and she came to stay with us, She said they have been fighting alot and she has even gotten physical with him ( pushing and slapping she said) and he in turn pushing her she said in self defense. Now I can understand this sad to say b/c I too can get pushy and have caught myself in the past ( when the infidelity issue came about) hitting and such. But she said the other night she was questioning some financial choices and he started screaming at her, spit in her face said he was sick and tired of her holier then him attitude and slapped her in the face ( she can be a witch but that does not make it right.) She tried to leave and he took her car keys and hid them and took her cell phone so she could not call for help. She said she sat in the bathroom for over an hour scared to death. He finally fell asleep and she took her car key off his key ring and came to our house. They did work it out and are back together. He comes over every day now crying about what a jerk he was and how he can not believe he did that, that he never imagined himself this way... She loves him and does not want to leave him but is so shocked and does not want her kids ( all girls) to think that this is how a man treats a woman so really does not know what to do.

[specialmom]

Oh, that is really sad, isn't it?  Ugh.  Does your friend see a therapist?  I'd so encourage her to do so.  She should go alone at this point.  This aggression, physical anger is a pattern and as you see her as the one that has inserted the pattern into their union, she needs to go and work on it.  It is a dangerous situation because the stakes just got higher.  It is okay for HER to be physical (in her mind) and the dynamics just changed--------- cause now he will too.   And that she "just can't leave" because of the holidays (and it will always be something) shows a thought pattern of dysfunction.  I get not wanting to break up a marriage----------- oh boy, I get that.  But . . . this is something she needs to take immediate action on.  She should start with herself and then bring him in.  Otherwise, it will get worse.  And you are right, those poor girls.  What would happen if you talked to her about what they are doing to their kids?  Do you know that kids that grow up in that enviroment repeat it in their own relationships as adults?  Ugh.  Try to encourage her to get some help.  

[ConnieG]

Another thought.....If someone is in an abusive relationship, they need to get out of the house FIRST, and THEN seek counseling with their spouse.  Do NOT move back in until he has made *obvious* changes and commitments.

[ConnieG]

I didn't read the other posts...but yeah. That is abuse.  Making her feel unsafe is abuse.  Taking her keys and her phone is abuse. Yelling and threatening  is abuse. Anything that makes you afraid for your safety is abuse.  And obviously physical contact is abuse as well.  And women can abuse their spouses too. It goes both ways, it doesn't matter if they 'could' defend themselves, it matters if they FEEL that their safety is in jeapordy.  She needs to be aware, and make sure this doesn't escalate.  No matter how much she loves him, no one should stay in an abusive relationship. Kids shouldn't be subjected to it either, they usually continue the cycle because they don't realize it's wrong.

[lovemykids465]

I agree special mom, I told Chris to leave for awhile but she does not want to due to the holidays and I must say, she is the one with the anger issue most of the time. I was really shocked to hear that he snapped on her but I know a person can only take so much, I am not saying it is right b/c when I found out about Joe I pushed him around and you are right it was because I lost control of my emotions,but their situation is an on going one.  I am scared for all of them  yet I can not see them being apart. I am worried about the girls though. I see the effect my situation has had on our children and I can not imagine how this will effect theirs.

[specialmom]

In all honesty, I see all violent things as the same.  Yep, slapping as well.   Here is the deal, when we go "there" --------- we have lost control.  This is an issue of managing our anger and once we start crossing lines---------- it can go in a very bad direction.  Often it will escalate.  To me, pushing, hitting, anything physical is a deal breaker.  

Now if a wife came to me and said I was so angry, I shoved my husband.  If it were one time when she found out he cheated-------------  I'd say okay.  If it is any more than that-------- I would not recommend couples therapy right away but instead, some therapy for the wife to work on how to express anger appropriately.  What to do when she has that "bubbling over" of emotion.  We do not allow our kids to get mad and act out in a physical way with their friends, right?  We try to teach them other things they can do.  Same for this type of thing.

And if a relationship is having serious issues like your friends, well.  They are indeed in real trouble.  The home really isn't safe for her, I'm afraid.  They either learn how to handle their emotions or they can not be together.  And . . .spitting is up there with hitting because it shows the boundaries that someone is willing to cross.   The respect level of another human being isn't there.  And when you feel that way torwards your partner----------- this is very damaging.  It is hard work to recover from episodes like your friends had.  Brushing it under the carpet and saying that they 'want' to be together will not help.  Instead, use that desire to be together to do the right things in order to stay together.  And realize that their children know and see and hear everything. Even if they are not there for the fight----------- they know.  Kids feel it all and it hurts.  And this is what they see as their role model for their own relationships.  A lot rides on how mom and dad handle themselves.  

Ths may be a bit more than you were looking for.  But being physical in a relationship is never alright in my opinion.  

[Drummer_Boy]

Violence is a crime.  The persons committing the violence need to seek professional help.  They also need to pray God give them grace to overcome that.  Someone will end up in jail.

[teko]

Ya know, slapping someone across the face for stepping out on you or something of that nature, to me does not equate to the kind of violence that hurts peoples long term relationship. The problem is that once someone resorts to these behaviors for what ever reason they choose to do it, is it starts a cycle that does not end with one slap or push. The whole reason people resort to this is because they are not in control of their emotions (which is the scary part), or they are resorting to it as a form of control. Once physical violence enters the picture there are only two options. Run, dont walk to the nearest therapist to get the situation resolved immediately or exit the relationship. Hitting is never good and cannot ever be excused, this is how people die! It shows such a lack of communication and compatability that by this point it would take a miracle to heal the relationship or the feelings it causes.

[penswriter]

If they really want it to work...I'd say marriage counseling. I do not condone physical or emotional abuse but I know how some things get heated. It's happened with dh and I once or twice. I can also get very verbal and know how to push his buttons.

If she doesn't want to deal with it or doesn't want to see if that's all that will happen ....i'd say leave. But it's all up to her and what she wants. He does sound remorseful. I honestly think marriage and even separate counseling would be a good idea for them both.