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Violently over-reacting to my jealousy
I massively and even violently over-react to things my boyfriend does that I don't like or make me jealous. I'm not sure what causes this, I just feel like I can't control myself decently any more.
It can be anything: for example, I took all his CDs that I didn't like and dug massive scratches through them with my keys before putting them back into his CD case.
I found out that he'd been with a girl we know mutually from back home, and hacked into one of his online photos accounts to block and delete her from his contact list.
I found on a forum he's on comments about some Page 3 girls with "drool" written after them. I again hacked into his account and deleted these comments.
He told me once that he had sex in an old car of his, and I cannot even bear to hear about him refer to this car any more.
I sometimes check his phone when he's in the shower or whatever, just to check and see if he's been texting his female friends from where he used to live (he's moved down from Scotland to be with me here in England) to say that he misses them, just so I can wallow in anger.
Why don't I tell him, for heaven's sakes?! What is wrong with me?! Why am I so insecure that I can't cope with these elements of his past, or just grin and bear it? I mean, I fancy other people - actually, I have a crush on a close friend of mine. I'm never going to do anything about it although I do sometimes wonder about what would happen if my boyfriend and I had never got together... like him, I naturally check out members of the opposite sex in all innocence - just looking!
What's wrong with me?
It can be anything: for example, I took all his CDs that I didn't like and dug massive scratches through them with my keys before putting them back into his CD case.
I found out that he'd been with a girl we know mutually from back home, and hacked into one of his online photos accounts to block and delete her from his contact list.
I found on a forum he's on comments about some Page 3 girls with "drool" written after them. I again hacked into his account and deleted these comments.
He told me once that he had sex in an old car of his, and I cannot even bear to hear about him refer to this car any more.
I sometimes check his phone when he's in the shower or whatever, just to check and see if he's been texting his female friends from where he used to live (he's moved down from Scotland to be with me here in England) to say that he misses them, just so I can wallow in anger.
Why don't I tell him, for heaven's sakes?! What is wrong with me?! Why am I so insecure that I can't cope with these elements of his past, or just grin and bear it? I mean, I fancy other people - actually, I have a crush on a close friend of mine. I'm never going to do anything about it although I do sometimes wonder about what would happen if my boyfriend and I had never got together... like him, I naturally check out members of the opposite sex in all innocence - just looking!
What's wrong with me?
I'm glad you are doing better, but don't assume that you have banished your demons forever. I really feel you may need some counselling, there must be free clinics, I know there are here in Canada.
Hey-ho. Even just moaning about it on this forum has been a massive help! After all the advice I received, I wrote out everything I was feeling and showed it to my boyfriend. We had a massive talk about it and we both realised that basically I wasn't expressing myself enough - when something stupid was bothering me, I was holding it in rather than letting it out, and he's really good at dealing with the silly stuff and making a joke of it, to dispel the worries and angry feelings.
Only a couple of days later something stupid happened that previously would have had me worrying and eventually fuming, and I remembered to not hold it in but to just tell him right there and then, and lo and behold! We had a laugh about it, diffusing what would have been me getting angry and jealous and annoyed previously.
Thank you so much! :-)
Also, I just feel the need to clarify that the boyfriend isn't winding me up or "getting off" on my reactions. I think that perception has come from me saying that he once told me about having sex in his old car. That arose from a conversation we were having about our previous sex lives, as couples sometimes do, and I asked him if he'd ever had sex in a car. He answered carefully but honestly, and that's it! :-) But again, rather than say how I later regretted asking at all, I kept it all pent-up.
So again, thanks very much! :-D
Only a couple of days later something stupid happened that previously would have had me worrying and eventually fuming, and I remembered to not hold it in but to just tell him right there and then, and lo and behold! We had a laugh about it, diffusing what would have been me getting angry and jealous and annoyed previously.
Thank you so much! :-)
Also, I just feel the need to clarify that the boyfriend isn't winding me up or "getting off" on my reactions. I think that perception has come from me saying that he once told me about having sex in his old car. That arose from a conversation we were having about our previous sex lives, as couples sometimes do, and I asked him if he'd ever had sex in a car. He answered carefully but honestly, and that's it! :-) But again, rather than say how I later regretted asking at all, I kept it all pent-up.
So again, thanks very much! :-D
My girlfriend is the same way, and the only advice i can give you is the same I tell her. Obviously your boyfriend choose you over any girl in the world. Meaning he loves you no matter what. Yiou should have nothing to worry about. If anything your jealousy is going to end up pushing him over the edge to leave you as my girlfriends is doing. I hope everything works out between you two.
and don't forget about exercise! even walking is a great way to release pent up feelings. good luck!
I always find writing a great outlet. When something is really eating at me I will sit down on the computer (easier to delete when done) and just type everything that I am feeling. The more I type the better I feel because it all comes out. Then I can look it over without all of the emotion and realize if it was something that was really silly or needs to be dealt with.
Everything is learned.......there has to be someone in your past that through these same actions got attention. I don't think you are crazy. I think you have displaced anger and it is coming out at the wrong time. It also doesn't help that he thrives off of your actions because he is still around. I would get far away from this person and find out why you have this distructive behavior. Write down anything in your past that was significant where someone you know reacted this way or you reacted this way and you were validated by these actions. This may help and establish when it started how it started and how it can be avoided in the future.
You may not have access to therapy, but you do have access to reading material, right? Understand that the root of anger is fear. Many times, it's fear of not being in control or of losing something.
Go to the library or bookstore and look at the self-help/psychology section. Now that you're aware of the problem, you can start working on it.
Go to the library or bookstore and look at the self-help/psychology section. Now that you're aware of the problem, you can start working on it.
one thing you can do is make yourself stop when feeling this way and ask yourself why are you getting upset? yes in the US therapy is pretty normal. here there are many groups you can go to to help figure it out. i guess now the only thing you can do is read up on books, however sometimes they dont exactly relate to you and you find yourself self diagnosing the wrong situation. i wish you the best of luck, you sound like you truely want to change. that is the first step.
Thanks for the ideas. Actually, I'm really relieved that you were so harsh about it, telling me to wise up. This is why I've given up telling my friends - they're too nice about it. They say things like, "It'll be fine: I'm sure you've got your reasons. Why don't you talk about it with him?" That's one reason I posted on the forum. I knew I'd get a jolly good kick up the arse.
It's me - not him. I am 100% convinced he's not cheating. Equally, I am not going to cheat on him: that's a sign the relationship's totally over, I've been there and done it and I'm not revisiting thank you very much! We had a big talk about it tonight.
I confessed to him this evening that I'd read some comments he'd made about a couple of Page 3 models (like I said) and also some horrible "blokey" remarks and deleted them. This started a big conversation, where he referred to other stuff I'd said that was bothering me from WEEKS or even MONTHS ago! He just kept saying, "You have to tell me. I love you, and if something's annoying you you can't just keep it bottled up."
The way I react to stuff I don't like is controlling and jealous. I don't know if you're posters in the USA, but therapy isn't really a "thing" over here unless you're seriously ill, like suicidal or a manic depressive or whatever, and it costs a fortune that I don't have! So therapy isn't really an option - I did have a quick look on the net. Also couldn't find any general help groups in my area, hence turning to this site.
I think I need to think about toning it down. Do you have any suggestions for outlets of pent-up anger? I'm not sure how well I'm going to do just letting it out by telling him EVERYTHING because that will just cause arguments over my petty jealousy.
I also must add that it's not ALL THE TIME I behave like this: those actions have been over the course of one year. And this behaviour has, actually, happened in other relationships.
With my last boyfriend, I found out that there was this girl he was friends with who, when he first met her, he got a crush on. So, I deleted her number from his phone.
Surely this is little brat behaviour? There's got to be something I can do to stop it. It's just crazy - in the way you said it.
It's me - not him. I am 100% convinced he's not cheating. Equally, I am not going to cheat on him: that's a sign the relationship's totally over, I've been there and done it and I'm not revisiting thank you very much! We had a big talk about it tonight.
I confessed to him this evening that I'd read some comments he'd made about a couple of Page 3 models (like I said) and also some horrible "blokey" remarks and deleted them. This started a big conversation, where he referred to other stuff I'd said that was bothering me from WEEKS or even MONTHS ago! He just kept saying, "You have to tell me. I love you, and if something's annoying you you can't just keep it bottled up."
The way I react to stuff I don't like is controlling and jealous. I don't know if you're posters in the USA, but therapy isn't really a "thing" over here unless you're seriously ill, like suicidal or a manic depressive or whatever, and it costs a fortune that I don't have! So therapy isn't really an option - I did have a quick look on the net. Also couldn't find any general help groups in my area, hence turning to this site.
I think I need to think about toning it down. Do you have any suggestions for outlets of pent-up anger? I'm not sure how well I'm going to do just letting it out by telling him EVERYTHING because that will just cause arguments over my petty jealousy.
I also must add that it's not ALL THE TIME I behave like this: those actions have been over the course of one year. And this behaviour has, actually, happened in other relationships.
With my last boyfriend, I found out that there was this girl he was friends with who, when he first met her, he got a crush on. So, I deleted her number from his phone.
Surely this is little brat behaviour? There's got to be something I can do to stop it. It's just crazy - in the way you said it.
No good will come of your relationship acting in this manner.
You both have friends of the opposite sex. So what? He hasn't given you any evidence that he has cheated on you. You have demonstrated that yes, you are in fact just a little over the top.
Could it be that you are affraid he will cheat because of your feelings for this guy friend of yours? Some people will accuse their boyfriend/girlfriend of doing things that they are doing or thinking about doing to mask their own guilt.
My advice to you is find a way to get over it either with some sort of therapy or just really trying hard. Somehow I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate knowing that you are invading his privacy much like you wouldn't appreciate it if the shoe was on the other foot. If he did know you probably wouldn't be together anymore, unless he enjoys making you jealous, in which case, like the other poster said, you're a perfect match.
You both have friends of the opposite sex. So what? He hasn't given you any evidence that he has cheated on you. You have demonstrated that yes, you are in fact just a little over the top.
Could it be that you are affraid he will cheat because of your feelings for this guy friend of yours? Some people will accuse their boyfriend/girlfriend of doing things that they are doing or thinking about doing to mask their own guilt.
My advice to you is find a way to get over it either with some sort of therapy or just really trying hard. Somehow I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate knowing that you are invading his privacy much like you wouldn't appreciate it if the shoe was on the other foot. If he did know you probably wouldn't be together anymore, unless he enjoys making you jealous, in which case, like the other poster said, you're a perfect match.
for sure its a bad relationship. you are acting in an immature and irresponsible way. you will end up either hurting him, or getting arrested when he is finally done with it. is this a pattern for you in past relationships? if it is then maybe you should consider therapy. jealousy without reason is a sign that you are insecure and have self doubt. maybe this just should end. he doesnt deserve to have his property damaged. be careful, you never know if one day he hits back!!
I don't think there is any evidence that your boyfriend is cheating on you. He has friends who just happen to be female, just as you have friends who are males.
I think what would help you is to change your way of thinking. You have to start by accepting that you cannot control your boyfriend and/or his thoughts or actions. Just as he cannot control YOUR thoughts or actions. If he wants to cheat, he will cheat. You cannot prevent this. But you can create circumstances in which he will leave you and by being so controlling, you are probably doing just that (unless he enjoys it like RockRose said.. which is not good, imho).
I think jealousy is not about how much you love that person. It is about trust, our inflated egos and control. If you work on all three of those issues, you can beat this and feel better about yourself.
Purple - it looks like there are two things going on here:
1. You are kind of crazy. I mean really, to put scratches with your keys in his CD collection because you don't care for the music is crazy behavior. (Not necessarily mentally ill, I mean "crazy" in that that's totally unacceptable and out of control behavior).
2. He's a cheater, and he's looking elsewhere and letting you know about it. Possibly because he enjoys your jealous reaction, which is also kind of crazy. He's texting his old girlfriends, he's telling you about having sex with someone else in his old car, (who tells someone this??)
The two of you are kind of hand in glove - you're acting out of control, and he's loving it.
1. You are kind of crazy. I mean really, to put scratches with your keys in his CD collection because you don't care for the music is crazy behavior. (Not necessarily mentally ill, I mean "crazy" in that that's totally unacceptable and out of control behavior).
2. He's a cheater, and he's looking elsewhere and letting you know about it. Possibly because he enjoys your jealous reaction, which is also kind of crazy. He's texting his old girlfriends, he's telling you about having sex with someone else in his old car, (who tells someone this??)
The two of you are kind of hand in glove - you're acting out of control, and he's loving it.
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