Aa
Boyfriend's relationship with his 10 yr old daughter...
I am getting close with my boyfriend - we've been dating for a year and half, taking things slow, we are both single parents, and the only issue I am having is how he deals with his oldest daughter and his discipline of all the children. We're somewhat close to becoming engaged, but there is a lot of space between us (we live separately, have separate time with and without our children), but I am unsure how to proceed because of this issue I will describe and won't get closer until I know how.
Our children are all daughters. I have two - 8 and 5 1/2, and he has three - 6, 7 1/2, and 10. All very close in age.
His younger two listen much better than his oldest, although he thinks it is the other way around because he lets her get away with disobeying his rules much more often than the younger two. As long as his oldest has her own way, there is no friction. (She is for the most part well behaved and not obnoxious, there are just some things....)
His middle daughter rebels against this. She sees that she is punished when her older sister is not for doing the same exact things, and he does not understand his middle child's behaviour. Her older sister also instigates and knows how to get a rise out of her, ultimately ending in the middle daughter getting punished.... which is usually her being the "black sheep" for the rest of the day.
His oldest likes me and my relationship with her father although often comes between us and prevents alone time or adult talk even when the other children are happily entertaining themselves. We are both very involved with our children and spend a lot of quality time with them.
His oldest also expects special treatment and anticipates when she can get special treatment the younger girls don't think to ask for or isn't age appropriate usually for any of the girls (in my opinion) although I remain open minded to what may or may not be appropriate for her since she is not biologically or maritally my daughter. I also understand that every child develops differently and matures differently despite their age.
He continues to make special circumstances for her even when it makes things more difficult for him to juggle, and alienates the other girls. Its also makes things especially difficult given that he is a single father and especially difficult to have a relationship with him when she is around.
I have bonded with her and genuinely care about her, and could be more of a positive influence and role model for her if she would allow it. I do not push for these things, I will offer to do things with her I know she likes (I offer to take runs with her, let her read poetry to me, look at her drawings, do make up and nails for fun, play board games) same as I do with the younger two. But in situations when she is involved, I find her cornering her father for sole attention, again, even though she does get quality time with him, both with her sisters and alone.
I feel she is aware these things won't go away if he becomes more involved with me and my children.
Our children are all daughters. I have two - 8 and 5 1/2, and he has three - 6, 7 1/2, and 10. All very close in age.
His younger two listen much better than his oldest, although he thinks it is the other way around because he lets her get away with disobeying his rules much more often than the younger two. As long as his oldest has her own way, there is no friction. (She is for the most part well behaved and not obnoxious, there are just some things....)
His middle daughter rebels against this. She sees that she is punished when her older sister is not for doing the same exact things, and he does not understand his middle child's behaviour. Her older sister also instigates and knows how to get a rise out of her, ultimately ending in the middle daughter getting punished.... which is usually her being the "black sheep" for the rest of the day.
His oldest likes me and my relationship with her father although often comes between us and prevents alone time or adult talk even when the other children are happily entertaining themselves. We are both very involved with our children and spend a lot of quality time with them.
His oldest also expects special treatment and anticipates when she can get special treatment the younger girls don't think to ask for or isn't age appropriate usually for any of the girls (in my opinion) although I remain open minded to what may or may not be appropriate for her since she is not biologically or maritally my daughter. I also understand that every child develops differently and matures differently despite their age.
He continues to make special circumstances for her even when it makes things more difficult for him to juggle, and alienates the other girls. Its also makes things especially difficult given that he is a single father and especially difficult to have a relationship with him when she is around.
I have bonded with her and genuinely care about her, and could be more of a positive influence and role model for her if she would allow it. I do not push for these things, I will offer to do things with her I know she likes (I offer to take runs with her, let her read poetry to me, look at her drawings, do make up and nails for fun, play board games) same as I do with the younger two. But in situations when she is involved, I find her cornering her father for sole attention, again, even though she does get quality time with him, both with her sisters and alone.
I feel she is aware these things won't go away if he becomes more involved with me and my children.
Best Answer
Amen.xo
I just wanted to update - this situation is evening out, and I think the theory of her being put into a role of emotional support and caregiver to the younger two is more apparent and accurate. The other thing is I believe the mother of the girl was emotionally less available and the father and daughter had to get emotional nurture from each other. She seems to have her own ideas of love - the innocent, harmless child-like ones, and the ones that seem to represent an adult male/female relationship as well (some she had before I came, others she seemed to mimic from me perhaps, we don't inappropriately touch in front of the kids.. a hug or quick peck, or hand holding only).
I witnessed him treating her more as a daughter and less as an equal and this seemed to take care of itself so far. He's a great father and boyfriend, and she is a great girl as well. I feel really hopeful.
I appreciate all the input and all of you helping me think this through. It has been very helpful and a good learning process for me. I didn't have much of a relationship with either of my parents growing up. My boyfriend is also a good man and has been showing me he is as committed to making this work as I am. We'll have our issues, I'm sure but I'm positive we'll work through them.
I witnessed him treating her more as a daughter and less as an equal and this seemed to take care of itself so far. He's a great father and boyfriend, and she is a great girl as well. I feel really hopeful.
I appreciate all the input and all of you helping me think this through. It has been very helpful and a good learning process for me. I didn't have much of a relationship with either of my parents growing up. My boyfriend is also a good man and has been showing me he is as committed to making this work as I am. We'll have our issues, I'm sure but I'm positive we'll work through them.
Better to worry too much than not enough. Glad things are going well.:)
Thank you! I know I tend to worry too much at times, I've mellowed out about that a lot! I spent some time with them after this post and he seems to incrementally improve on boundary issues. She is a sweet girl - they all are and I wouldn't be with a man who wasn't a good father, and he is. I am lucky and blessed.
It will be an issue if all the children are not treated fairly - both punishments and praises/special treatment. I told him I like to take mine out for one on one time with me from time to time (usually an afternoon or day, even they are at work with me) and he made special days with each of his three. (: I think it is important to make each girl feel important aside from everyone else. Sole attention (soul attention) (:
I try to give them all my undivided attention even if breifly here and there
I try to give them all my undivided attention even if breifly here and there
She certainly does approve, she has been an ice breaker for us in the beginning, telling me in front of everyone that her dad likes-likes me (we had both established it aside from the children, but hadn't yet integrated it into how we behaved in front of the children). She has also said he should marry me. (:
I think you are right in that she had more responsibilities in dealing with her younger siblings - I saw that she also had to sacrifice for them (sitting in between them in the car!!) and suggested she get her choice to sit in the back row of the new car by herself for a couple weeks to spread her legs for once. I do look for ways to allow her to be a "kid" and not have to be held or feel held responsible for her sisters, and especially not mine. Thank you for pointing this out as something to be confident about.
"The thing that concerns me is that you seem to think that the other girls may not be afforded (by your bf) the same concessions as the older girls.? I mean I'd be wanting assurances moving forward, that if you did get together that your girls will be treated the same as his own children, and that his own children will be treated the same as the oldest...a little bit confusing, but maybe worth the effort to work on this."
YES--a particular instance, the girls selected the food for their own plates at a cookout and were asked to eat a reasonable amount of it. She just blatantly ran off after being told what was acceptable and did not get punished. The other girls ate asked to go play and disposed of their plates. His middle child who ate fast, got seconds, was being asked to finish another whole hot dog before she could go play. Even after casually pointing out it was seconds (he approved of, without stipulation), he continue to retain her there, and his oldest's almost full plate of food was still sitting on the ground next to the girl! This child was politely asking and even said she was full and shouldn't have got the extra portion... she started to cry a bit, but then finally gave up listening and ran off as well.
:) Involving the girls in cooking meals is "family" past time we all enjoy!!
His special considerations aside from the not such a big deal special food requests - he allows her to sleep on the floor of his room because she shares a room, and does not like noise or light. A scenario of her getting the bottom bunk and making a "fort" to block out the light and create a private space was shot down because she does not want her bed part of the bunk. But she does like her bed next to the bunk so it is flush with the bottom bunk.
She has some lingering unwillingness to accept my two fully, but has made efforts to bond with them as well.
For the most part, all of this is going well. I just get concerned putting so much effort in if at the end it won't work. I also don't want to become more and more deeply and affectionately involved and more importantly allow my children to do the same, only to lose it all.
I think you are right in that she had more responsibilities in dealing with her younger siblings - I saw that she also had to sacrifice for them (sitting in between them in the car!!) and suggested she get her choice to sit in the back row of the new car by herself for a couple weeks to spread her legs for once. I do look for ways to allow her to be a "kid" and not have to be held or feel held responsible for her sisters, and especially not mine. Thank you for pointing this out as something to be confident about.
"The thing that concerns me is that you seem to think that the other girls may not be afforded (by your bf) the same concessions as the older girls.? I mean I'd be wanting assurances moving forward, that if you did get together that your girls will be treated the same as his own children, and that his own children will be treated the same as the oldest...a little bit confusing, but maybe worth the effort to work on this."
YES--a particular instance, the girls selected the food for their own plates at a cookout and were asked to eat a reasonable amount of it. She just blatantly ran off after being told what was acceptable and did not get punished. The other girls ate asked to go play and disposed of their plates. His middle child who ate fast, got seconds, was being asked to finish another whole hot dog before she could go play. Even after casually pointing out it was seconds (he approved of, without stipulation), he continue to retain her there, and his oldest's almost full plate of food was still sitting on the ground next to the girl! This child was politely asking and even said she was full and shouldn't have got the extra portion... she started to cry a bit, but then finally gave up listening and ran off as well.
:) Involving the girls in cooking meals is "family" past time we all enjoy!!
His special considerations aside from the not such a big deal special food requests - he allows her to sleep on the floor of his room because she shares a room, and does not like noise or light. A scenario of her getting the bottom bunk and making a "fort" to block out the light and create a private space was shot down because she does not want her bed part of the bunk. But she does like her bed next to the bunk so it is flush with the bottom bunk.
She has some lingering unwillingness to accept my two fully, but has made efforts to bond with them as well.
For the most part, all of this is going well. I just get concerned putting so much effort in if at the end it won't work. I also don't want to become more and more deeply and affectionately involved and more importantly allow my children to do the same, only to lose it all.
Group/family cooking as a rule, brings kids closer and get's them all trained to be not only be responsible but also allows them to feel inclusive in their treatment, and in their treatment of others. It's kind of like turning that frown upside down, the glass being half full.. taking an opportunity to turn something that might be considered unacceptable into a learning opportunity for all involved, course your potential partner would have to be on board, and if my guy could not see the good sense in that, i'd be looking elsewhere. YOU matter and you are a valued member whose opinions should be viewed as positive (as long as they are). And that's why you've got us, or are looking for ideas to make this work outside of yourself. This in itself proves that you should b e listened to. in my books.
You could also run it by a therapist and see what they have to say? It certainly can't hurt to have all your bases, loaded, as it were.
You could also run it by a therapist and see what they have to say? It certainly can't hurt to have all your bases, loaded, as it were.
One question, when you say "short order cook" Is it you or the dad that is having to cook a different meal for the eldest daughter. ? But my answer remains the same, anyone that wants something different, if there is ANY feelings of it being a bother, needs to cook it themselves, and may be it even if it is NO bother, it might be a good way to exercise a little responsibility. Cooking time with a parent, or step parent can be a GREAT way to open communication. IN fact, it might be a good idea to get all the girls helping out in the kitchen for meals. That would be considered fair to all the kids and would be a way to pursue actively showing all the girls that everyone is treated the same.....
So far it seems that you are doing a great job treating all his girls the same, what you are doing, and have been doing is exactly what the doctors order. As you say, she does like you and interacts with you as she would with a step mother, and that is very very positive. You got those positive results because of your actions, and I applaud you.
The beef you have, is a somewhat odd communication style, that of this girl talking to her dad while he's in the shower. And the fact, that she expects to be fed different meals than are provided and accepted by his other two girls. It seems that the dynamic that this family has been used to is one that the older child has given more adult support (looking after the younger ones) and is afforded a more adult relationship with her father. I don't think that you "need" necessarily to demand a change. I think that you are naturally showing that you are becoming your father's natural adult companion. I think that his oldest girl probably appreciates your efforts and may well be able to adapt to your taking a role of his partner, and back off feeling like she is expected to be his "companion" Naturally, the older girl will gravitate, as she should, to her own age group as being her close companions. and I think that this will happen moreso because you Are there and she can see that you and her dad Are getting close and Are doing a great job Trying to mesh this family. I would say that if she does not feel any antipathy towards you thus far, that this is a sign that she is willing to consider accepting you as being a full partner for her father. I'm going to go so far as to say it might even make her feel comfortable knowing that her dad has somebody of his own to date , at present.
I think the cross roads you are at, is to lovingly let this girl know , go so far as to sit her down alone (you and the dad) and thank her for being such an incredible help. Maybe say something like... " We are both so proud of you for always being there to help daddy with your siblings". as an approach to talking (only considering) your relationship moving to the next level. What does she think about dad and you getting engaged one day? for instance? She has always had to be involved, as the oldest child, so why not respect that role, and include her (you've prepped her for this perfectly so far). in the conversation of you and dad possibly getting engaged. ? As for her wanting to eat something different than the other kids, that will happen, and it may just happen with the other two girls as well. The thing that concerns me is that you seem to think that the other girls may not be afforded (by your bf) the same concessions as the older girls.? I mean I'd be wanting assurances moving forward, that if you did get together that your girls will be treated the same as his own children, and that his own children will be treated the same as the oldest...a little bit confusing, but maybe worth the effort to work on this. After all, it seems that you have done such a good job so far trying to get to a point, where you two may potentially have a proper jump off point to become a true partnership. But this is vital in your circumstance, imo, and that is that you both sit down and let her know that you are thankful that she was there taking on the role of mother. , and maybe at times that the dad relied too heavily upon his daughter. That he/you are glad that they have found each other because you know that ideally, this oldest child should have the benefit of having parents look after her, and help her navigate throughout high school. and onto college. Any way you look at it, this child has been your partner's mini me, so to speak,. And you're going to have to have her blessing. If it was me, and i'm a mother of a grown son. Let her eat what she likes, as long as she cooks it. If you all make one supper, and it's not good enough for the eldest, say something like, "you are getting older, and have your own tastes. If you don't want to eat what he family eats, come in the kitchen and make dinner with us, Maybe give her further responsibility, or make it fun, by saying let's cook together, maybe your sister(s) (including step one day) might like what you want to eat more than what we want to eat. I think it's key here to keep your GREAT attitude and turn anything different (food) into a positive that brings you closer. If you can.
If his oldest girl did not like you, i'd be saying, i'm sorry , unless the dad insists upon inclusion and respect for you, and across the board treatment of all the girls, i'd say walk on. (unfortunately because otherwise it seems to be a good potential match and there's been a lot of work so far getting it to this point ) good job with that.
I'm glad you posted. and hope we can help.
Liz
The beef you have, is a somewhat odd communication style, that of this girl talking to her dad while he's in the shower. And the fact, that she expects to be fed different meals than are provided and accepted by his other two girls. It seems that the dynamic that this family has been used to is one that the older child has given more adult support (looking after the younger ones) and is afforded a more adult relationship with her father. I don't think that you "need" necessarily to demand a change. I think that you are naturally showing that you are becoming your father's natural adult companion. I think that his oldest girl probably appreciates your efforts and may well be able to adapt to your taking a role of his partner, and back off feeling like she is expected to be his "companion" Naturally, the older girl will gravitate, as she should, to her own age group as being her close companions. and I think that this will happen moreso because you Are there and she can see that you and her dad Are getting close and Are doing a great job Trying to mesh this family. I would say that if she does not feel any antipathy towards you thus far, that this is a sign that she is willing to consider accepting you as being a full partner for her father. I'm going to go so far as to say it might even make her feel comfortable knowing that her dad has somebody of his own to date , at present.
I think the cross roads you are at, is to lovingly let this girl know , go so far as to sit her down alone (you and the dad) and thank her for being such an incredible help. Maybe say something like... " We are both so proud of you for always being there to help daddy with your siblings". as an approach to talking (only considering) your relationship moving to the next level. What does she think about dad and you getting engaged one day? for instance? She has always had to be involved, as the oldest child, so why not respect that role, and include her (you've prepped her for this perfectly so far). in the conversation of you and dad possibly getting engaged. ? As for her wanting to eat something different than the other kids, that will happen, and it may just happen with the other two girls as well. The thing that concerns me is that you seem to think that the other girls may not be afforded (by your bf) the same concessions as the older girls.? I mean I'd be wanting assurances moving forward, that if you did get together that your girls will be treated the same as his own children, and that his own children will be treated the same as the oldest...a little bit confusing, but maybe worth the effort to work on this. After all, it seems that you have done such a good job so far trying to get to a point, where you two may potentially have a proper jump off point to become a true partnership. But this is vital in your circumstance, imo, and that is that you both sit down and let her know that you are thankful that she was there taking on the role of mother. , and maybe at times that the dad relied too heavily upon his daughter. That he/you are glad that they have found each other because you know that ideally, this oldest child should have the benefit of having parents look after her, and help her navigate throughout high school. and onto college. Any way you look at it, this child has been your partner's mini me, so to speak,. And you're going to have to have her blessing. If it was me, and i'm a mother of a grown son. Let her eat what she likes, as long as she cooks it. If you all make one supper, and it's not good enough for the eldest, say something like, "you are getting older, and have your own tastes. If you don't want to eat what he family eats, come in the kitchen and make dinner with us, Maybe give her further responsibility, or make it fun, by saying let's cook together, maybe your sister(s) (including step one day) might like what you want to eat more than what we want to eat. I think it's key here to keep your GREAT attitude and turn anything different (food) into a positive that brings you closer. If you can.
If his oldest girl did not like you, i'd be saying, i'm sorry , unless the dad insists upon inclusion and respect for you, and across the board treatment of all the girls, i'd say walk on. (unfortunately because otherwise it seems to be a good potential match and there's been a lot of work so far getting it to this point ) good job with that.
I'm glad you posted. and hope we can help.
Liz
I've read a lot in the past about birth order as well. My oldest has some of the same qualities, but isn't allowed to manipulate or disrespect. She does manipulate her little sister to a point, but doesn't get all or more attention... I hope they both get to be astronauts! :)
Thank you, and everyone again for insight. I am still bothered/processing this. I enjoy all the different ways to look at it so that I may better feel the situation out as it mutates.
Thank you, and everyone again for insight. I am still bothered/processing this. I enjoy all the different ways to look at it so that I may better feel the situation out as it mutates.
It's so important that during the tween years, parents are very present and active. That is key to her staying on the right track too.
**I totally agree, and I am not trying to come between them, I just feel as though the boundaries are too blurred. But you are right - its almost as if he can have her fill that role or me, and not exactly both. I want to fill that role, and her the role daughter.
"If you were her bio mother, it would be less so. This is the issue when people with kids try to make a relationship work---- they don't have the same level of emotion for the other person's kids so one or all of these kids from a previous relationship pose a 'problem' to their happiness."
**I have an innate ability for love. I feel love for children I bond with as if they were my own and am able to be as objective or thoughtful with them as my own... if I were still married to their father, and saw this type of behavior, it would also be a problem IMO, but I am keeping my distance until this is something I'm comfortable with.. I don't raise the issue, I may kindly question things, or ask how he will deal with a problem that will inevitably arise if he chooses a course of action he when he is discussing options. And I don't judge his answer, I may respectfully point out facts but keep my mouth shut when he says something I don't agree with.
".....emotional reasons for the extra attention she gets."
I guess you hit the nail on the head. I do not, I Do Not agree with relying on a child emotionally as an adult. It is unfair IMO to do so. It is also incestuous. How is a child being allowed to grow emotionally at their own rate when they are forced to face adult problems? ):
"her behavior is because of the dynamic that HE allowed. And changing that is a slow process. And she may resent you for trying hon"
and " I can see this eventually wreaking havoc on Your relationship with Him AND Your relationship with Her"
I totally agree. He does mention things she does as if gauging my reaction to them. I think the shower thing seemed innocent enough to him, but it really weirded me out, and I tried to be open-minded about it... I allow my daughters in the shower with me, but we are of same gender.. I guess I keep doing what I am doing and keeping a distance and I can hope it evolves into my idea of a more proper father/daughter relationship or leave. It will be hard to explain that one if that time ever comes, but you are all right, I will never be happy in a relationship where I don't agree on this issue. Its not entirely awful, it can be a gross show of favoritism over even his other daughters.
I am even with my two, and I expect the same. I show his daughters equal treatment except when it comes to discipline, we discipline our own unless we are in charge of each other's child in certain situations, and it has only gone to a certain extent.
"My opinion - this is not a good match. It would be VERY hard to combine a Family of FIVE (FIVE !! girls !!), who were not born of the same parentage under any circumstance. I foresee much unhappiness in this union."
*I know it sounds so crazy! And at times I feel crazy for entertaining the idea, but I love him. And I feel that if we are strongly bonded and united, we can raise them together and function well. We have to be honest about potential problems that may arise and stay ahead as best as possible. I've spoken to older women who have raised 5 daughters, one blended and one natural. It can work. It may be challenging, but it can be worth it, I think. We love each other a lot.
Thank you all for the insight you have already given me, other perspectives help, and because of the nature of the issue, I can only confide in a few select people. I welcome any more insight and advice you may have to give. I may make a separate post as to what appropriate behavior for a ten year old should look like. We are both fairly conservative, and I for one, want my children to grow up to be responsible, respectful, classy, young ladies. I don't want to be a part of a household of teenagers who are not respectful of their parents--step or biological.
I do understand the nature of teenagers, and their emotions, I work in the community for a long time and have seen many different kids and parents and their coming of ages...
I won't undertake a larger role in his life if I don't feel as though I can come to terms on my own, or this favoritism/manipulation ends. I will wait it out from my safe distance until I feel as though either solution is hopeless.
**I totally agree, and I am not trying to come between them, I just feel as though the boundaries are too blurred. But you are right - its almost as if he can have her fill that role or me, and not exactly both. I want to fill that role, and her the role daughter.
"If you were her bio mother, it would be less so. This is the issue when people with kids try to make a relationship work---- they don't have the same level of emotion for the other person's kids so one or all of these kids from a previous relationship pose a 'problem' to their happiness."
**I have an innate ability for love. I feel love for children I bond with as if they were my own and am able to be as objective or thoughtful with them as my own... if I were still married to their father, and saw this type of behavior, it would also be a problem IMO, but I am keeping my distance until this is something I'm comfortable with.. I don't raise the issue, I may kindly question things, or ask how he will deal with a problem that will inevitably arise if he chooses a course of action he when he is discussing options. And I don't judge his answer, I may respectfully point out facts but keep my mouth shut when he says something I don't agree with.
".....emotional reasons for the extra attention she gets."
I guess you hit the nail on the head. I do not, I Do Not agree with relying on a child emotionally as an adult. It is unfair IMO to do so. It is also incestuous. How is a child being allowed to grow emotionally at their own rate when they are forced to face adult problems? ):
"her behavior is because of the dynamic that HE allowed. And changing that is a slow process. And she may resent you for trying hon"
and " I can see this eventually wreaking havoc on Your relationship with Him AND Your relationship with Her"
I totally agree. He does mention things she does as if gauging my reaction to them. I think the shower thing seemed innocent enough to him, but it really weirded me out, and I tried to be open-minded about it... I allow my daughters in the shower with me, but we are of same gender.. I guess I keep doing what I am doing and keeping a distance and I can hope it evolves into my idea of a more proper father/daughter relationship or leave. It will be hard to explain that one if that time ever comes, but you are all right, I will never be happy in a relationship where I don't agree on this issue. Its not entirely awful, it can be a gross show of favoritism over even his other daughters.
I am even with my two, and I expect the same. I show his daughters equal treatment except when it comes to discipline, we discipline our own unless we are in charge of each other's child in certain situations, and it has only gone to a certain extent.
"My opinion - this is not a good match. It would be VERY hard to combine a Family of FIVE (FIVE !! girls !!), who were not born of the same parentage under any circumstance. I foresee much unhappiness in this union."
*I know it sounds so crazy! And at times I feel crazy for entertaining the idea, but I love him. And I feel that if we are strongly bonded and united, we can raise them together and function well. We have to be honest about potential problems that may arise and stay ahead as best as possible. I've spoken to older women who have raised 5 daughters, one blended and one natural. It can work. It may be challenging, but it can be worth it, I think. We love each other a lot.
Thank you all for the insight you have already given me, other perspectives help, and because of the nature of the issue, I can only confide in a few select people. I welcome any more insight and advice you may have to give. I may make a separate post as to what appropriate behavior for a ten year old should look like. We are both fairly conservative, and I for one, want my children to grow up to be responsible, respectful, classy, young ladies. I don't want to be a part of a household of teenagers who are not respectful of their parents--step or biological.
I do understand the nature of teenagers, and their emotions, I work in the community for a long time and have seen many different kids and parents and their coming of ages...
I won't undertake a larger role in his life if I don't feel as though I can come to terms on my own, or this favoritism/manipulation ends. I will wait it out from my safe distance until I feel as though either solution is hopeless.
This is SUCH a common topic on these forums! I don't have many friends who are in blended families, so I don't see this much in real life, but on MedHelp in various forums I see:
Girlfriends reporting that their boyfriend's daughter treats him sexually and sees herself as an equal/above the girlfriend
or less commonly
Boyfriends of a mother who thinks her son is coddled and a brat and needs more discipline and needs to man up
Interestingly, first borns tend to suck up about 80% of the parental attention imho. All the astronauts - ALL of them - until many mission crews were chosen were all first borns. I forget the name of the first astronaut who wasn't a first born, but he was preceded by many first borns.
They have the advantage because they get the attention.
Girlfriends reporting that their boyfriend's daughter treats him sexually and sees herself as an equal/above the girlfriend
or less commonly
Boyfriends of a mother who thinks her son is coddled and a brat and needs more discipline and needs to man up
Interestingly, first borns tend to suck up about 80% of the parental attention imho. All the astronauts - ALL of them - until many mission crews were chosen were all first borns. I forget the name of the first astronaut who wasn't a first born, but he was preceded by many first borns.
They have the advantage because they get the attention.
There is nothing You can do or say to 'change' the dynamic between Him and His Daughter - but I can see this eventually wreaking havoc on Your relationship with Him AND Your relationship with Her.
I agree with SpecialMom that it is "His Business how He treats His daughter" but it will not 'set' well with You for all the reasons You list in Your post. I'm not suggesting You are 'wrong' to feel this way but I am saying that this will not be a 'happy' union for You, Him, His other Girls and Yours as well.
You will only come to resent it (it stirs You now - this will not get better, rather it will bother You more and more with time) - and They will come to resent You for 'interfering'.
My opinion - this is not a good match. It would be VERY hard to combine a Family of FIVE (FIVE !! girls !!), who were not born of the same parentage under any circumstance. I foresee much unhappiness in this union.
I too wish You GoodLuck
I agree with SpecialMom that it is "His Business how He treats His daughter" but it will not 'set' well with You for all the reasons You list in Your post. I'm not suggesting You are 'wrong' to feel this way but I am saying that this will not be a 'happy' union for You, Him, His other Girls and Yours as well.
You will only come to resent it (it stirs You now - this will not get better, rather it will bother You more and more with time) - and They will come to resent You for 'interfering'.
My opinion - this is not a good match. It would be VERY hard to combine a Family of FIVE (FIVE !! girls !!), who were not born of the same parentage under any circumstance. I foresee much unhappiness in this union.
I too wish You GoodLuck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Welcome to the forum. These questions always perplex me. First of all, with all of these little girls of that age, I'm not sure how you get or expect to have 'alone' time with your boyfriend where you sit and talk during the waking hours. :)) I'm a mom and an active mom married to the father of my kids-- so it is not novel to sit and chat with him. We make time to do that when the kids are not wanting our attention.
I would absolutely not interfere with his treatment of his oldest daughter. She's been around to see him through lots of things including the break up of the relationship with her mother. She's helped him and been the little mother as you say to the other younger kids. They are close. She really deserves her dad at this point in her life to not be super distracted. That is my honest opinion. She is 10 years old and in a few years, she will be gone emotionally from the house. Around 13, kids are taken over with the desire to be with friends, out of the house, feeling like a grown up. It's so important that during the tween years, parents are very present and active. That is key to her staying on the right track too.
I know this isn't what you want to hear. The problem is, you see his treatment of her and it irritates her. If you were her bio mother, it would be less so. This is the issue when people with kids try to make a relationship work---- they don't have the same level of emotion for the other person's kids so one or all of these kids from a previous relationship pose a 'problem' to their happiness. This is why so many marriages that involve kids from a second relationship fail really at a staggering rate.
You have to keep that in mind if you don't want to become a statistic.
Is it not his business how he treats his oldest daughter? Is it not my business how I treat mine? How you treat yours?
I would break it off immediately with someone for trying to interfere with my relationship with my son at his vulnerable tween age. I know that the time with him as WANTING to be with me is fleeting and I need to be a very big part of his life now. It would be a relationship deal breaker for me if someone made a stink about it or judged it.
So, that is just my opinion. I don't disagree with you that it might be irritating. But this is part of the package. It is inappropriate to try to make him a different dad to his daughter when you may not know the emotional reasons for the extra attention she gets.
If you plan on making this work, I would let go of your resentment of this and try to step back and realize that on this, it is really HIS business how he handles her. And if it is too much for you to deal with, then I would consider that he might not be a good match for you.
It is really hard to mesh families. I do hope it works out for you. I really do.
PS: her behavior is because of the dynamic that HE allowed. And changing that is a slow process. And she may resent you for trying hon.
good luck
I would absolutely not interfere with his treatment of his oldest daughter. She's been around to see him through lots of things including the break up of the relationship with her mother. She's helped him and been the little mother as you say to the other younger kids. They are close. She really deserves her dad at this point in her life to not be super distracted. That is my honest opinion. She is 10 years old and in a few years, she will be gone emotionally from the house. Around 13, kids are taken over with the desire to be with friends, out of the house, feeling like a grown up. It's so important that during the tween years, parents are very present and active. That is key to her staying on the right track too.
I know this isn't what you want to hear. The problem is, you see his treatment of her and it irritates her. If you were her bio mother, it would be less so. This is the issue when people with kids try to make a relationship work---- they don't have the same level of emotion for the other person's kids so one or all of these kids from a previous relationship pose a 'problem' to their happiness. This is why so many marriages that involve kids from a second relationship fail really at a staggering rate.
You have to keep that in mind if you don't want to become a statistic.
Is it not his business how he treats his oldest daughter? Is it not my business how I treat mine? How you treat yours?
I would break it off immediately with someone for trying to interfere with my relationship with my son at his vulnerable tween age. I know that the time with him as WANTING to be with me is fleeting and I need to be a very big part of his life now. It would be a relationship deal breaker for me if someone made a stink about it or judged it.
So, that is just my opinion. I don't disagree with you that it might be irritating. But this is part of the package. It is inappropriate to try to make him a different dad to his daughter when you may not know the emotional reasons for the extra attention she gets.
If you plan on making this work, I would let go of your resentment of this and try to step back and realize that on this, it is really HIS business how he handles her. And if it is too much for you to deal with, then I would consider that he might not be a good match for you.
It is really hard to mesh families. I do hope it works out for you. I really do.
PS: her behavior is because of the dynamic that HE allowed. And changing that is a slow process. And she may resent you for trying hon.
good luck
When I started dating him, this girl was 8, and was another mommy to the younger two at times, and was asked her opinion as to how to handle them.
She also insisted on talking to him while he was in the shower (by sitting in the open door - he would towel off behind the curtain and leave the bathroom covered below by a towel in the interaction I witnessed. This was early in he and I's relationship and the girl had invited me to come up while he showered with her, to which I declined, but later needed something out of the room)
She seems to feel she is an equal rather than a child of a parent. She is often disrespectful and orders him around, not asking or saying please, making special unreasonable requests (the special requests he often anticipates and makes special accommodations for her, some he has begun to let her deal with when he can't make the special accommodations for her, not always a big issue, sometimes it cause unnecessary work - along the lines of being a short order cook for one child only)
She also insisted on talking to him while he was in the shower (by sitting in the open door - he would towel off behind the curtain and leave the bathroom covered below by a towel in the interaction I witnessed. This was early in he and I's relationship and the girl had invited me to come up while he showered with her, to which I declined, but later needed something out of the room)
She seems to feel she is an equal rather than a child of a parent. She is often disrespectful and orders him around, not asking or saying please, making special unreasonable requests (the special requests he often anticipates and makes special accommodations for her, some he has begun to let her deal with when he can't make the special accommodations for her, not always a big issue, sometimes it cause unnecessary work - along the lines of being a short order cook for one child only)
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Why not just make it a point to get you and he to a marriage counselor and open up the lines of communication. It should be very informative and if its put out there as being the best way to co parent i'm sure he'd go for it. A therapist would put you both on the same page, and probably have reading material for you as well.
I think that's what I'd do in similar circumstances.
I really don't think that these small issues are anything to be overly concerned about unless they are left unchecked, so why not go and get the best professional help there is ? I'm sure the kids would appreciate it as well. Then you can include them and say something like, We do really love each other, and we are considering having out families blended. And it matters to us so much to be able to do our very best, that we went to a therapist, so that we can get a professional opinion, (like from Dr. Phil) about the little things that come up with blending a family and co parenting. Because if we get together, we need to work together as a team." Something like that. Then if you have to change anything from what's been happening to something different , the kids will feel that their views are being supported , and that you cared enough to get a second option. It will also allow them to see that it's good to reach out for professional help with anything in their lives.
I really think that would be your best bet. Instead of you worrying about the battles, you deal with the war.... with help...