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When should baby like behaviour stop in an 18 year old boy?

My fiancé has an 18 year old son. After reading at least 50 articles and tests and symptoms on Aspergers I am sure he has it. Please keep that in mind as I ask this, as this particular behaviour is not addressed in Aspergers or any development disorder I have read.
In some ways he acts like a 5 year old. He often looks up at his mom and EXACTLY like a 2 year old says, Mommy hug me or I need a hug. He often climbs on his mom and puts his face in her neck and kinda whimpers making (what I'd call) baby noises. He often stands close to her and runs his fingers up and down her arms, (IMO) the way lovers do. He often snuggles with his mom and literally acts like a baby saying thing like, mommy I'm tired or  mommy I need a snuggle. On a recent holiday (for example) we were walking around a historic area and he literally holds his moms hand the way a 5 year old does as if she is leading him around,,,, this he also does if we are in line for an amusement ride that even most 5 year old wouldn't be afraid of, that is to say anytime we approach anything that one may call scary, like a laser light show, a basic amusement ride or anything like that,,,his body language is that of a scared child holding mommy hand. On the historic tour we recently took I was not far from them and a very young boy looked at him and his mom and the boy said, why is he holding his moms hand like that? Is there something wrong with him ( this may have looked odd to that young boy also because the teen in question is 5 ft 10 and weighs about 170. ). After meals he puts his cheek against his mom and thanks her for the meal, again, like a baby, not like an 18 year old. Often he won't get up unless his mom comes to him and snuggles. When he wants something instead of asking ,,,like a man?, he says mommy can I have a cookie like a baby.

I won't go on with any more examples because you probably get the idea of what I am trying to convey. Is this normal for an 18 year old? (Again he possibly has Aspergers but this behaviour is never discussed on sites about the Autism spectrum.

To add, he does have many Aspergers systems.

To add, his mom and dad separated when he was about 5 or 6.

Hey, maybe this (in my words) extremely babyish behaviour is normal, I have no idea. To date he has shown zero interest in girls, and for me,  if he did date a girl and acted this way with his mom in front this girl,,,,,,she would head for the hills.

Any advice about this or where to research it would be much appreciated.
16 Responses
Avatar universal
No it isn't normal behavior, even if your self-diagnosis is incorrect and he doesn't have Asp.
He may just have childish communication skills though it seems like much more than that. Perhaps she encouraged and raised him to think this was normal, so try to be open about solutions.

Did he graduate from high school and what are his plans? Has he ever worked and is he working now?

How long have you known her? Have you 2 interacted with others in your social circle, and was he involved then or did you plan it so he wouldn't be around?
Does he have friends, and what are they like?

Can you talk to your fiancee about what you have observed and ask her what she thinks? This must have been on your mind for a while, so it needs to be brought out in the open, because it is going to be easier now than later to come to a solution after you marry.

Does he talk to you or her (other than the child talk you mentioned)?
1 Comments
To answer each of you as I can. Graduated with honours. Known her 5 years. He's very passionate about history but his dad, the university prof said, no, you can't make good money as a history teacher. Never worked. He has only one or two friends. rarely spends time with them. I have not brought this up yet with finance.

And I shall repeat. As if I am him, I have answered about twenty "do you have Aspergers" tests,,,,, based on the scores, it said, if you scored 30 to 35, there is an 85% chance you have Aspergers. He rarely talks to us, is in his room all day other than eating and maybe once every two weeks he hangs out with friends. I mean all day,,,,,,from the moment he wakes up till sleep time. He wakes up,,,,,reads,,,,,,,comes down for breakfast, back to room,,,,,,,comes down for lunch,,,,back to room,,,,,,same for dinner.

3060903 tn?1398565123
What did your fiance say about his son's behavior patterns? Surely he must have discussed in length these behaviors with his fiance? I'm a little confused. Are you saying here (by not saying it) that your fiance doesn't believe or has ever discussed with you , that his boy is obviously slow? Has your fiance discussed his education and whether or not his child has been held back?
2 Comments
sorry i meant "her... son" etc.
Rarely his mom will say,,,,he hasn't matured like a normal teen,,,,,,rarely she acknowledges there are things he does that are just not normal for his age. For the most part discussing her son's possible issues, is a no no.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, why are you trying to diagnose him?  Are these things bothering his mother?  In general, we can put the name of a disorder to lots of things but the real test is if someone is functioning.  We ALL have quirks and oddities and it boils down to if those things interfere in someone's life.  Is he going to graduate high school?  Does he do anything outside of school?  Does he function as an individual or does he just have these quirks that you find odd?  

Some kids call their parents babyish names . . .  my sister's kids (one graduated college and one in college, a boy and a girl) call their dad Papa.  Always have and always probably will.  I still have one who calls me mama at 12 years old . . .  gosh, I hope he still does that at 18.  It's his name for me.  Society dictates that it is manly to say Mom?  And perhaps it is SHE who said he has to ask for a snack before taking it.

I don't know.  I don't know their dynamics.  But I do know that you will absolutely mess up your relationship with HER if you continue down the path of trying to diagnose and judge her son.  If he is leaving the nest soon, revisit a relationship with her then and stay out of her relationship with her kid.  If he doesn't plan to leave the house (her house)---  then it's time to decide if you want to be in a relationship with HER>

Remember, kids are often the product of their parents and perhaps if you don't like the way he is, it's his mom who is responsible.  

This post is meant to help give you a different perspective for how your post reads to a stranger.  good luck
3 Comments
I think this all bounces back to mother and/or father and the parenting style.  
Trying to diagnose because when I feel something is wrong in life, anything, I research and try to solve /  help,,,,,,if friends or family have problems,,I always try to help,,,,,and I am never ever ever one who feels there is a problem,,,,looks it up on one web site,,,,,and starts pontificating ... I always search and research,,,,,I even find out who is posting such research and what their agenda may be. (for example if someone is wondering is potato chips are good for you,,,,,and I see many papers written on the subject ,,,,I OBVIOUSLY pay no attention to research posted by or funded by potato chips companies).

He rarely does anything but do internet stuff or reads in his room.
I commented in above post about how well he does in school. He just started university.

Does he function as an individual?? In my opinion,,,,no. Other than in school that is.

In this regard, if you look up how people with Aspergers behave,,the signs describe him,,,,,,missing social cues,,,,,,has no idea if what he says hurts anyones feeling,,,,,has no idea that if two people are talking or listening to music or watching TV,,,,,you don't just barge in,,,assume everyone must hear what you have to say with no regard for what they are involved in,,,and starts talking about what he wants to talk about. I may also add he never,,,,,ever,,,,talks about anything other than history and or political figures past or present,,,,,anytime a conversation is not about the two things he tunes out,,,,,maybe he will talk about a movie or comedy show here or there,,,but as soon as he has said what he wants to say,,,he for the most part has no interest on other peoples opinions. An example of this,,,,,,if he and I and his finance are alone he will barge in and say,,,,for example,,,,which U.S. president do you think was the most environmentally minded? He asks these questions even when we are with friends or fairly or out for dinner. No matter what anyone says about anything,,,,he always insists on brings the conversation back to figures in history or politics,,,,,nothing else,,,,,FYI,,,,he can name more historical and political facts than a computer,,,,,I mean in these few subjects he is interested in he remembers all data,,,,like which U.S. presidential candidates who lost the election have a dog,,,,this is a silly example but his obsession with the 2 subjects is huge. He most assuredly has many other traits that Aspergers people have.


Oh, and Special Mom. Hi again.

Leaving the nest soon?

As I mentioned somewhere on this thread. He has a "why would I get my own place and live on my own" attitude. It comes from his dad. I often feel like saying to his dad,,,,,"hey buddy, here are a pair of surgical scissors,,,,you were supposed to cut the umbilical cord just after he was born".

Another regular occurrence is the way his mom is wanting him to "do stuff" and his dad is always trying to keep him at home, where it is safe.

Mom wanted to pay for and send the 18 year old to France for Canada's 150th at Vimy Ridge. A - it is a big event and B the teen loves history.

Dad said "I don't think he should go, it is too expensive (his dad never spends any of his 100$K a year prof job on the boy) ,,and as I said his mom was gonna pay for it,,,,,there might be a terrorist attack,,,,,What happens if he gets lost over there,,,,what if he picks up a food borne illness."  

Me: Ya,,,,and what if Batman didn't really kill the Joker and the Joker is sitting in wait for this 18 year old boy to show up in France at the 150th of Canada.



20691887 tn?1504691993
What's normal for one isn't always normal for another.  Maybe there is something wrong with him or maybe not.

Well, if his mother doesn't have a problem with it then what can you do?  No one here can confirm any diagnosis or diagnoses for this child.  It seems to be ok and normal for this child and mother.  I think some people go into a relationship hoping to change this and that situation with the other person when they should just accept the situation as is.  If they can't deal with it as is then it's probably best that they find a more suitable relationship/partner.  You are struggling to accept the situation whereas mother and son are fine with it.  Plus, you are feeling uncomfortable with them in public and noticing others' reactions when it's not a big deal for her and her son.  Instead of trying to give the problem as you see it a diagnosis you should probably reevaluate the relationship.

I would be careful talking to his mother about this.  It could give the impression that you are criticizing her parenting skills and her child and in turn she could become defensive.  

It's really her problem to figure out; that's if she sees it as a problem.

3 Comments
ZonnyC all true except this part because she may be trying to shield the son from getting help which isn't the same as it being normal. "It seems to be ok and normal for this child and mother."
Until MikeDonofrio elaborates on the situation there isn't enough information.
There are only opinions here and I am by no means a professional.  Everyone can have different opinions.  I am only responding to the info that has been presented.  Hopefully he can shed more light on his situation.  I said it seems to be normal for this child and mother because he mentioned nothing about the mother feeling uncomfortable in public with her child's behavior or uncomfortable about the child's behavior period.  If he had said he and his fiancée see this as a problem then yes my answer would have been different.  This is problem for the mother and this has to do with her parenting style.  If the mother chooses to see it as a problem then it's up to the mother to get help for the problem.  If the mother doesn't see it as a problem then this may become a serious issue between him and his fiancée/the mother.  I can understand his concern, but if mother isn't concern then he can't really do much about it.
I do agree with Zonny C and Anxious no more. In no way would I let this interfere with her and my relationship. I know if she won't or doesn't see a problem then there is little I can do about. AGAIN. Maybe there is no problem here.

Though I will say,,,the mother does often comment on issues the teenagers father has that are reason why she left him in the first place, that the son also displays,,,,,,for example ,,,,,*the boys name" seems to act this way,,,just like his father, When he has a family I hope he doesn't act this way". Kinda thing.
3060903 tn?1398565123
It would be really helpful if you came back and answered some of the questions asked of you. ie. has he been held back in school, does he have friends, do you go out as a family and socialize with others, and how do the mother's friends seem to think or not think , about her son's behavior.. etc.
2 Comments
friends have very little to say about the 18 year old's behaviour,,then again,,,,other than possibly hearing what the boys peers at school say about him,,,,they never spend any time with him because he is always in his room.

To add a little to this being in the room business?
When it is suggested to go to a huge fireworks or light show display, or out to hear music, or to come sit by the campfire at a cottage, or let's go to an amusement park, or let's go play mini golf,,,,his answer 95% of the time is,,,,QUOTE,,,"why would I go and do those things when I can sit in my room and watch TV or read or play video games".
The only comments by other adults as he was growing up (that I know of) are This 18 year old boy won't play soccer unless he plays goal, refuses to run with the others and participate,,,,,or,,,,,took the boys to n amusement park,,,,the 18 year old was afraid to go an any rides,,,,,or,,,,we suggested to take the kids to hit pails of golf balls and the boy said,,,,why would I want to do that.

These are just examples of other adults  comments about him.

I HAVE TO SAY!

Other adults,,,,his teachers all say he is a great kid and is polite and friendly.
3060903 tn?1398565123
PS, i have to add, unless the child was diagnosed as being slow, I would not be comfortable  being with a person who led their children to be so needy or infantile as exhibited by this 18 year old. especially if this was in addition to this child not keeping up with his peers. That's just me. I very much value creating an atmosphere of independence for teen age children, certainly not the the exclusion of being close to their parents, but not so much that it would ick out their peers, which what your describing would almost certainly ick out his peers. You  have to own who you are and make a break to be free to pursue a relationship with a person whose parenting style better reflects what you feel is normal. There are other fish in the sea. Don't feel guilty if this is a deal breaker. I think you have to really think about how you feel about it. And if this is a deal breaker and you feel that the mother has created an overly obsessed with his mother young man, I say speak up and tell her what you think (but first you have to be sure about how you feel (not asking others if it's normal). I've brought up my concerns with my husband the way that he parents his daughter, he was overcompensating for the loss of the young girls mother and she was a shut in and he was enabling her to be so. I had to insist the young lady wen t o college (peferably) or work or see a therapist, But she must deal with herself never leaving the house. As my husband's partner, and in name only this girl's step mother, (she still won't talk to me directly) It was part of our commitment to one another to help each other in our role of parent (we both have one child). So find where and how you fit it,n Is there a way you think you could help? Could you help to guide this young man to open his horizons.? Again, you've said nothing about his young man outside of his relationship with his mom, If he is an average person outside of the mother son relationship, you're looking at a closed system that the mother has created. Is she willing to accept your ideas and consider that what you might have to say is worth considering.? It's hard to say with the little info you've given but i hope our collective advice will help you.
2 Comments
Nighthawk, I do appreciate everyones input and they have taken the time to respond. Again. I will try to respond to everyones comments or concerns as I can.

I may have addressed some of your above thoughts when I answered other comments.

I will add,,,as far as his father goes,,,,it is perfectly normal to wake up and read for a few hours,,,,,have breakfast and go back to ones room to do stuff alone,,,,,,then have lunch,,,,,,go back to ones room and do stuff alone,,,,,,,same in the evening. This is in fact what his dad does. This is of the main reasons the boys mom left the boys dad. Always alone in room doing work related stuff or reading or internet stuff.

Maybe more insight to the babying issue. The boys dad didn't leave home til the parents bought him a house,,,at which point the dad never cleaned the house because his parents paid for a cleaner. The boys dad essentially was with is parents till he was about 40.

The son? The teenager I am talking about? If asked,,,so,,,,when will you be ready to get out on your own, have your own place?,,,,,,,The answer?? Why would i want to get a place and live on my own???

More to come.
Is this a problem for you?  I think this is at the heart of the matter as my hunch and I'm not judging.  This teenager is a packaged deal with his mother.  And by the way, IF he is diagnosed based on the criteria you've read about . . .   that will make it more likely that his mother will go into protective mode.  I think you have to look at this like a man who is deciding if this is the right relationship for you verses you analyzing her son and his problems.  good luck and I DO really wish you all the best.  
3060903 tn?1398565123
Another possible explanation might be that this young man had no father figure, or grew up without a lot of male bonding or support. It could be that his mother is his whole world, and his actions are the result of being overly coddled or being over compensated for losses in other areas of his life. It could be that he is dramatically showing his love and dependence to his mother as a way of emphasizing his closeness with his mother, to you and to her, because he is jealous of you being in the picture. He could be trying to scare you off or even cause problems in your relationship knowing that his mother would defend all of his actions.
2 Comments
All very great points Nighthawk.  This could stem from a number of things.  
Thanks Zonny :)
20691887 tn?1504691993
Mike, have you ever had a discussion with your fiancée about all this?  I am getting the impression you either haven't or you have and she isn't open to discussing this.  You can also try consulting a professional on your own about this and they can help guide you in a better direction.  It's difficult to put everything pen to paper or in this case typing everything out in regards to your situation.  They reason I am recommending professional help is because this woman is your fiancée, so you are serious about the relationship.

I have a sister who has a child like your soon-to-be stepson.  My sister's fiancé was constantly coming to her taking about the child in a negative way and wanting him to change and then it really started to erode the relationship between my sister and her child.  They got married anyway knowing this was a big issue between them and then they ended up divorced because the relationship between sis and him totally eroded because of the situation with her son.  
Avatar universal
WOW,,,,thanks to all for making the time to respond. Later today I will re read each of your comments and respond as best I can.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are very polite and well spoken.  I sure hope you don't take offense to what I am trying to tell you but I don't get it.  Why are you so bent on proving he's not normal?  What is normal?  If you have a problem with this person being permanently in your life because of dating his mom, then leave the mom.  Don't expect to come into the mix, cause a whirlwind demanding there is something wrong with him and expect things to drastically change.  This sounds very much to me like you are overstepping.  I have one quirky kid.  Maybe this is hitting a nerve with me. But it makes me honestly so glad I don't have a man that is a stranger to the situation coming into our life with judgment and expectations such as you seem to have.  And just about EVERY therapist, whether psychological or occupational or psychiatrist or a neurologist will tell you that it isn't always cut and dry for diagnosing.  It's a process. And one of the hallmark issues of diagnosing is how it impacts someone's life.  He's not too impacted other than irritating you.  

He's a straight A honors student.  Wow, that's awesome.  I hope he finds his path in life and that he has a cheering section rather than a group who want to tell him he's not alright, needs to be diagnosed with a neurological developmental delay such as autism, etc.  Not everyone has a ton of friends and not everyone is super social.  It's who he is.  Isn't okay for him to be who he is?  I just don't get it.  
1 Comments
Hi Special  Mom. LOL. Me? Take offence? I am the last person to take offence from anything,,,especially *words*,,let alone in a case like this where out of the kindness of their hearts people are taking the time to write in their thoughts and opinions.

I hear you re "And one of the hallmark issues of diagnosing is how it impacts someone's life.".

If I may say. A few things.

First, the 18 year old and I have  great relationship. Lots of joking and sometimes ganging up on his mom and making fun of her,,,,all in jest of course. I have taken the "manly guy friend role" ,,,,I often joke about him and his friends going out and drinking and causing trouble,,,,,which never happens,,,,,the opposite happens,,,,,,but,,,,,as his mom and dad both coddle him,,,,I know he likes the "guy, buddy, tough guy,,,being a trouble maker" kind of talk. When he and his friends go out,,,,,which rarely ever happens,,,,when he comes home I will ask him,,,for example,,,,So were you guys out picking up chicks??? Again,,it never happens but he enjoys the *male* talk,,,I am sure.

Secondly.
I care about him,,,,,and I especially care and am concerned about the fact that he has two modes of movement. Sleeping and sitting. If you read the most recent science data,,,the catch phrase is "sitting is the new smoking",,,,experts are saying,,,no one should be sitting for more than 6 hours a day,,,our bodies are designed for movement", and when we don't move,,,,,health problems are sure to follow. So in this case his sedentary life style is most assuredly impacting his life. (his dad is the same way in this regard.

Thirdly,,,,I am concerned about him and future relationships,,,,,,whether he meets a girl or a guy or an alien or a creature from the black lagoon and he falls in love with this person,,,or if he starts a relationship with this person,, I am concerned about some of his selfish (taught by his father) ways. Some also may be Aspegers related.

Thats all for now SpecialMom,,,more to come. Trying to address everyones input here.


Avatar universal
A few more points I would to express.

And please read some of the above comments that show I do care about this 18 year old.

This is a teenager who never lifts a finger to help his mom.
Me? Growing up? If I came home and my mom was raking the leaves my dad would always say,,,go do that for your mom,,,,don't make her have to rake the leaves. Even though my mom would say I don't mind. Or. If it was night time and snowing a lot. Dad would always say. Make sure you get up and shovel the snow for your mom so she can walk down the front porch and get her car out okay.

This 18 year old. An actual example of how he acts?

Last winter. 3 feet of snow. Car covered in snow. Windy. Snowing like mad. Time to take the 18 year old to school.
His mom and I grab the shovels and brooms and get at it,,,,the 18 year old walks out to the car,,,opens the door and sits n the car,,,,,for a half an hour ,,,,reading,,,,as his mom and I dealt with the snow. This I don't find normal. Whether or not his mom should or shouldn't say anything to him about this,,,,,I just don't get it. How can an 18 year old just sit there watching his mom work in the bitter cold. He made sure the car was started so he could be warm inside I might add.

More to come and thank you all for being here.

I am the type who questions everything,,,even at 60 years of age,,,,from what we eat and why,,,,,to what will happen if light a fire and aim a spray can of wd 40 into the fire. LOL?

My friends? Those who have known me since I was wee? Most who are typical Italians? All of them will say the same thing about me. Which is this. "He can be the most annoying irritating prick on the planet but you always know where he stands,,,and we love him".

6 Comments
I'll check back in the morning.

And will leave you with my two fave sayings.

Every day above ground is a good day.

And.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. (especially when it comes to what we eat.

Ciao Ciao,,,and Rock N Roll!!!!!
It is quite possible that he doesn't have Aspegers and is just a person who likes being lazy in his comfort zone. You would need a professional diagnosis before you try any more to slot him because there are so many things it can be and no one here can diagnose him. If I were you, I wouldn't try to do any more self-diagnosis of him, even if you end up pushing for a diagnosis and think the mother might accept there is a problem. I'm saying you can point out the abnormal behavior if you think it has a purpose, but stay away from diagnosis claims to her.

His strong points seem to be politeness, kidding with the family, good intelligence, ultra strong interest in 2 subjects. With those 2 interests, it is at least possible that he might find a niche and do well in his own way in a career someday.

The childish mannerisms around his mother are concerning as you say because any girl would run at the sight of it. I presume you 2 never entertain others, otherwise they would stop the  behavior or an outsider might make a comment that they wouldn't like.  Perhaps inviting a guest over is how you can get the ball rolling, but if so, you need to plan it out in advance by perhaps privately tipping the visitor off in advance that you would prefer if they don't make any rude remarks at any strange behavior they see.

Anxious note, we are on the same page,,,,the mom's older brother has mentioned to me,,,,though we live 4 hours away and don't hook up that often,,,,,,why does he come down in the morning and ask him mom to make his breakfast,,,,can't he do it himself,,,,,or,,,,,recently,,,the boy wanted to open a DVD,,,,,and couldn't figuree out how to use a knife to open it,,,,Really???   ,,,,,,,,,the uncle look at me and whispered,,,"WHAT THE F___?

he and I may do something along the lines of what you are suggesting.
He has never worked at a part time job, so that would be a good start as well when school ends. It doesn't look like she is going to cut the apron strings anytime soon, so be prepared for the worst which could be a permanent adult living in your home.
The child refuses to do anything.. he doesn't have to. Why not suggest that he take a bus to school ? not to be cruel, but so that he can develop some independence? Don't assume that he has a mental illness, at this point. At least test him to see if he's capable of taking a bus and making his way in public.
This would mean that his mother would have to understand that you can kill a kid with kindness. This boy is acting out "learned helplessness" Maybe grab a good title and read it at night in bed, and discuss this with the fiance? So i have to say, i do believe that your agenda, that your intentions are more than honourable and you do care about this 18 years old's quality of life. And, you may be the only person capable of bringing about the change that will create an atmosphere of progress for this kid to have other relationships outside of his mother. So, good for you buddy. I appreciate all that you're doing trying to help.
20691887 tn?1504691993
Well, if he was able to get into a University that's a GREAT accomplishment.  If he isn't into the partying, girls and loads of socializing then he will have little to no interference with his studies.  Perfect!  

Mike, my question is why are you wanting to change him into you or what suits you?  This is what I thought the situation was.  Why can't you accept who he is?  What if the situation was turned around and you were the young man and your mother's partner was jabbing at your weak points or just taking jabs at you?  Maybe you should try to look at things from this child's point of view.  Instead of jabbing at him why not jab at the mother and father because they have LOADS to do with this.  If you cannot accept this woman's child as is should you marry her?

If he isn't lifting a finger to help it is because he has be conditioned to do so.  If he hangs out all day in his room he has been allowed to do so, etc.  I get the concern about some of his behaviors, but as an outsider, which you are even though you are his mother's partner, you cannot and will not change him.  Back to your original question......"Is this normal?"  It is normal for this family.  If the parents aren't seeking Dr. Google for help or professional help then you shouldn't either.  I understand you like to help people, but why not help people who actually want the help?  These folks aren't asking you for your help and in my opinion you are meddeling where you weren't asked.  Then you go on about the father-influence behaviors.  Well, you definitely aren't going to change those either.  

It's as if you want to rearrange the dynamics of this family; almost like you want to fix the situation.  Instead of focusing on this child, etc., why not do some deep soul searching about why you need to fix this?  Why can't the situation be as it is and you accept it? Why are you so rigid in your thinking?

I don't know about you, but I definitely don't believe in wasting time on things I can't change.  It's a waste of time and your life.  To be honest, your post should be aimed at the parents; not this child.  He is the product of his environment; upbringing.  

Get up in the mornings and be glad you've been given another day and use the time in the day focusing more on the positives then the negatives in others.  Try to be more understanding that everyone isn't like you and can't be like you.  Embrace the idea that everyone is unique, flaws and all.  Enjoy and praise the good bits of the relationship with this child.  I don't know if this mindset has to do with your upbringing, i.e. a criticizing mother or father?  Overbearing mother or father?

Like I stated, I have a nephew like this kid.  I also remember I wasn't in the "popular" groups either when I was young.  I was pretty much a loner.  I loved reading my books and my "me" time.  I was social, but it wasn't necesssary for me.  I am still somewhat that way.  I was teased and bullied for being different throughout my life and occasionally it still happens because I don't fit into someone's box of how I should be.  I signed up for a class and I am pretty much to myself and quiet and then this woman yapping a mile a minute comes to me and asked me "Are you always so quiet?"  Geesh!  LOL!  What's wrong with being quiet?  Why do some feel the need to find something wrong with someone when there is nothing wrong?



5 Comments
Zonny C,,,,hi,,,thanks for this comment, I have to ready for work now and will address this later,,,,,,,,,small note,,,,,,I am not an I Told You So guy.

Fact: If nothing is done about the fact that the 18 year old is getting bigger and lazier,,,,refuses to do anything to exert himself in any way,,,,,based on the scientific "one should be active not inactive,,,,,sit no more than 6 hours a day " leading to obesity and health issues ",,,,,,,problem.

He is most assuredly going to have health issues.

If you are unaware,,,,,this (only) 3 minute video may look cartoonish but I have researched and researched,,,,,,this is a medical science peer group reviewed fact.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiKg6JfS658
FACT Of NATURE,,,,,AND TRUE.

A body at rest stays at rest, a body in motion stays in motion

Little research is required to understand how unhealthy i is to have two states of motion,,,,sleeping and sitting.
Mike, I am not debating these facts, but if no one asked you for your knowlegde or help in this matter or any matter I consider that interfering where you shouldn't.  That's the problem.  A lot of things aren't healthy or good, BUT choices people make is their business.  Anyone and everyone knows smoking, drinking, no activity, etc. aren't good choices, but it is their choice to do what they like with their body.  I just think you are totally missing the point.  I really think you should look within and figure out why you need to point out the flaws or what you see as flaws and correct.  I can understand your concern, but you need to respect that it's this young man's choice to sit, to stand, etc. all day.  I think you really need to reevaluate staying in this situation.  I think you will get more and more upset/miffed by this young man's behavior.   Don't forget he has TWO parents already who need to address what they think needs to be addressed.  
I don't dare click on hyperlinks.  Not safe.
I clicked, worthwhile view. Thanks. I'll watch it before i hit the gym this winter. Help to get me off my butt.
Avatar universal
To all. An example. he (the 18 year old) had very very severe acne. He and his mom and dad for two years were stumped as to why such a serious acne problem.

Did I sit and say nothing because it is not my place or my business to say anything? No. I knew what the problem was all along and never said, is all. The boy was drinking about 2 litres of the breast milk of a mommy cow every day. I had read many articles about it before. There was some resistance from the boy and the mom but as soon as he stopped drinking cow milk his face cleared up. And has stayed that way. Had I said nothing the boy would not have gotten better.

Maybe my point is this. For the most part I could say, hey, not my problem and say nothing. I would be very happy, as I have been for some years now with the mom and 18 year old (again he is with us for 2 weeks then to his dads for 2 weeks).

I am not even sure if I somehow found out that there is problem that I would say anything about it. Repetition again. Some of his problems could be Aspergers, and the babying thing, and acting like a baby may be normal. I am not necessarily trying to push my values on him.

Frig,,,,here,,,,,,when it turned out he may have Aspergers I became more gentle with him, more understanding, less likely to think "why does he always interrupt, thats rude",,,,,now I just remind myself,,,it may just be Aspergers. Do I make sense? When you know someone has a disorder,,,,understanding that his behaviours are just crossed brain wire issues and not selfish or rude traits.

It is easier to understand people if you understand they may have a minor disorder.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF HIS BABY LIKE BEHAVIOUR SEEMS NORMAL OR NOT. If not normal then I am sure science has an explanation for it.

SO No. I am not necessarily trying to push my values on him or them. I just want to understand.

Cheers to all, please feel free to comment if you feel to do so.

1 Comments
Mike That is a very good point that you would like a professional diagnosis so it will be easier to understand what you are dealing with. That would also be better than you and fiance just guessing ideas that neither agrees with.
Another uncle visit might be useful as a lead in for you propositioning her to get him diagnosed.
3060903 tn?1398565123
So you've cleared up most questions i had now.

The mother has shown concern that this boy has been raised to be exactly like his father. The mistake that she is making with her son is to enable his lazy behavior by not having him contribute to the running of the house. He should have a list of chores, daily weekly and monthly that he must adhere to. She is doing him no favours teaching him that it's okay for him to sit in warmth and comfort while a women cleans the car off to drive him to his next appointment. Her enabling him to be selfish is the main problem this kid has. Unless she sees the folly of her ways, and puts into effect a new way of doing business in the house for this kid, he'll likely never have a partner, or he'll end up divorced like his dad. Honestly, it would be better for him to get away from both his mom and dad , it wold be far better for him to live in the dorms at the university where and get away from the family dynamic that allows him to be consistently indulged to the point of him never bothering to try anything new.

I think the best thing you could do is to make waves. I think you should discuss how you grew up, what helped to make you into the man you are today. The fact that you did clear the driveway for your mom, took the groceries into the house, raked the leaves , took out the garbage, cleaned the windows etc That you were taught "There's no free lunch, if you don't work you don't eat" mentality to your finance, and to the boy , and to the Uncle. I think the Uncle should come over and help to question some of what's been happening, and be part of a new way of doing business in the house.

Your fiance should be open for you and her to get to a therapist and open the lines of communication between the two of you, prior to your marriage, and start a new way of life, particularly having the son contribute to the household in a meaningful way.

You've said that the boy lives 2 weeks with you and 2 weeks with his dad... and that when he lives with you, he spends the majority of time in his room. So whether he changes or not, you still have a good relationship with his mother. You've said that you like to help people and that is your incentive with this boy. IMO, you should try to get your fiance to see that she is enabling he son to be the type of man his dad is. If she doesn't want that for her son, there is a way to change that still, IF SHE IS WILLING to talk to a family therapist.  I don't agree that you should stay on the outside of this mother and son's relationship. You are engaged to be married. You are a part of this family if you choose to be. You are fast becoming a step dad to this young man, and how you grew up, and what you have to say may be the most valuable advice he's had thus far from any adult. If your fiance is unwilling for you and her to talk to a therapist about how to get her son more involved in the day to day life, and away from his sources of entertainment schedule,  you can't do much about anything i'm afraid. If there is to be ANY change in the boys life, it MUST begin with his mother acceptance that she has enabled him to be Lazy and Entitled around the house and Selfish in his interpersonal relationships. IF she is able to see that she has done her son no favours by allowing him to hide in his room and not participate in life, , then, and only then, will the boy have a chance at learning that living with honour (towards oneself and others) is a worthwhile way of life. He needs his mother to be capable of looking at the bigger picture. ie. that the body needs exercise for the body to be fit, and the mind to be well. She needs to be humble enough to accept that she has made mistakes with this boy, and that with help ,she can learn a new way of working with him, so that he may start to embrace dmore of life than one get's from an entertainment center. She needs to be asked the question, if you were hurting you child in any way, would you a) want to know about it, or b) be happiest not knowing. If the answer is A, you have a chance for change, if it's b), you might as well say what's on your mind, to the kid. This little wolf pack needs new blood to shake things up. Do what you reel is right. You've shown great restraint, and caring for this young man. Trust yourself to speak up and tryi to make some significant changes. Don't be afraid to show that you have expectations of your step son, ie.if your job is to cook and your wife's job is to do the dishes, his job should be equal always. Tell them both you care enough to try to help him become able to be in a loving long term relationship that lasts.

13167 tn?1327194124
I've read most of this thread,  and haven't seen anyone mention this - this isn't "him".  It's "them". She is encouraging this behavior by her behavior - this is their dance.  She got divorced when he was 5 or 6,  and at that time,  she encouraged him to remain her little boy of that age.  And now he's a great big strange child who says mommy.  Inadvertently or on purpose,  she has caused this,  IMHO.  
4 Comments
I've mentioned that as well.
If she sees no problem there is no problem.  Like I stated it has to do with the parenting style/parent (s)
There are many people that enable their children to be addicts? Is that okay too? or in that case, is it okay to educate? I think that the problem with "kids today..." lack of exercise, stuck to tv's and computers is becoming very well documented and the consensus is to try to help our youth, yes, young adults too, to become more active and accountable to their own health and welfare. The opposite to that is what's created the epidemic of obesity that plagues families of every class. There are changes that can be made, but not likely without the few that step out there and try to peak a young person's interest, or realign family expectations of having their kid's tune in, rather than continue to be coddled and entitled, and tuning out. It's never too late to adopt a healthy lifestyle and it could be that Mike is the first and only person that will lead the charge by way of his new family. As i said before, this young man may change with some prodding from the mother, uncle and Mike, and it could be that the change is something that he will most appreciate in his life. Mike , from my vantage point , is trying to give this boy freedom. and all that goes with it. Pride, accomplishment, change, spontaneity, etc. I applaud any effort he makes.  I get that it would not be good to have Mike find fault in everything that he says, but i don't get that. I think , by getting through to the fiance, that Mike can turn this around by having his fiance tell her son that she' made mistakes, that are harming (her son), that all along she should have been teaching him to really be part of a loving family (and not in a room shut off from helping with dinner) The mom can kill a kid with kindness. and by thinking that you are doing your kid a favour by not have him actively involved in every aspect of family living, is a disservice. How is he to function in a family if he's never been taught. But, it's not too little too late. Not yet. There's a chance this mother can turn things around still for her son. I've never made dinner for my adult son that he doesn't get up, come out to the kitchen and ask what he can do to help. Kid's want to be involved, if they know enough that it's fun to be involved actually communicating with their parents.  No one here I don't think, has ever said that this is the kids' problem, I think Mike is stopping short of saying that the mother needs his help, but i hope after all this, he does realize that the mom does need help to get her son into a healthier lifestyle. I also don't believe that family is a closed system between blood relatives the way some do. I'm a 2nd wife, my step daughter's mother is no longer with her, and i do believe that without my passionate response to the same types of issues Mike's having my step daughter would not be in her 3rd and final year of college. Step Parent's are so a much needed part of the family.  (thank you very much) lol haha, Love is love, whether it comes from your 3rd grade teacher, the principal who talked to you about your transgressions, the priest who said nothing. It's a big world full of lots and lots of loving people and friends and family. When you teach a child that it's only important what a parent says, you are teaching nothing about all the love, and respectful interactions  in the world available to them and narrowing their perspective. This mother is probably a great mother in some sense, in others, she is very much lacking. SHE NEEDS MIKE'S HELP. and the subject is so important, that it would definitely be worth the effort and time to seek professional help to find out how to CHANGE  some of the past habits, and CREATE  a new type of family living, where there is lot's of time together for laughter when doing the dishes, comradery when shovelling the snow.., I learn all my best stuff about my son while we're working together in the garden, making dinner.   The only thing sad about Mikes' interest in helping the mother to help her son, is that it didn't happen sooner. In my humble opinion. Thanks for listening.
My biggest regret was to let my step daughter stay in her room, for two years (in my house) without insisting she start her college course. Had i not, this coming spring we'd be celebrating her buying a house, not getting her first job. Why? cuz she would have been a homeowner two years earlier, cuz she would have contributed to her RRSP, two years earler, her pension fund, etc.

"There comes a time when silence is  betrayal".  Martin Luther King Jr.
3060903 tn?1398565123
Hey Mike, when your soon to be step son says, "Why (go do this or that) when i can watch tv" do you tell him to combat obesity? Have you followed through and showed him the link you put here (which i really am going to watch before my day beings hopefully at the gym this winter). ?

As i said very early on, that the first change should happen immediately to set the ball rolling, by the mother insisting the child helps out around the house. That will help this situation out a lot. It Should get real old having a prima donna in the house.

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