Aa
Worried that my husband is still in love with his ex girlfriend
I think my husband of 2 months, is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. They have a child together that is 10 months old. The child lives with the ex full time, and my husband only gets to see her every other Saturday. He hasn't pushed her for more time with the child, hasn't gotten any solo visitation at all. He tells me that he is working on her in little steps, that he doesn't want to **** her off. He doesn't want to risk not being able to see the child at all, so he keeps the peace. But in doing this, he allows the ex to call all the shots regarding the baby, when he can see the baby, etc. Also, when he does go down there to see the baby, he will take the ex shopping, to the bank, out to lunch, wherever she needs to go. They go and see friends that they have together and meets them at places or visits them in their home.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling. I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child. But his actions tell me otherwise. He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe. He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise. I don't know what to do.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling. I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child. But his actions tell me otherwise. He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe. He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise. I don't know what to do.
if he was the one to break it off with his ex, I think you would be okay. but he wasnt, she was. this is not good, and you will probably have to deal with this for a very long time. if you leave and get a divorce, the hurt over the betrayal will stop NOW. anything that's hurting you will stop now. I know it's sh!tty, but bad decisions will have bad consequences, and you have to deal with them. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but if you decide to do what's best for you and end it, you will get over it, and you will be incredibly empowered.
I think he needs to make your marriage a priority --- both of you do if you want to save this marriage. He should consider taking time off from work or changing his schedule so that he can make time for counseling.
Oh yes, we would be willing to go to counseling. The problem there is that he is out of town working during the week and only home on the weekends, so we are 75 miles apart during the week.
I think my biggest hurdle is to actually get him to admit to me that he is still in love with her. He hasn't done that, and when I directly ask him, he tells me he is appalled that I would even say that to him. And then he never actually told me that he doesn't love her, but he didn't tell me that he does either, except that he loves her because she is the mother of his child. He will bring up how things were with her and how much she hurt him and all the things she did to him. I guess he is trying to throw all this out so I would think how could he still love her after all she has done. But just because someone does something that bad to another person, doesn't mean that they still don't love each other. It takes a lot for things to heal, and I don't think he completely has. He continuously lets her use him, and won't stand up to her. Sometimes I feel like he wants to live these two different lives. He always defends her, no matter what the situation is, which will lead to an argument. And it has gotten to the point where he becomes defensive when things come up regarding her. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and it is getting to where I don't even ask him about his visits to the child.
I think my biggest hurdle is to actually get him to admit to me that he is still in love with her. He hasn't done that, and when I directly ask him, he tells me he is appalled that I would even say that to him. And then he never actually told me that he doesn't love her, but he didn't tell me that he does either, except that he loves her because she is the mother of his child. He will bring up how things were with her and how much she hurt him and all the things she did to him. I guess he is trying to throw all this out so I would think how could he still love her after all she has done. But just because someone does something that bad to another person, doesn't mean that they still don't love each other. It takes a lot for things to heal, and I don't think he completely has. He continuously lets her use him, and won't stand up to her. Sometimes I feel like he wants to live these two different lives. He always defends her, no matter what the situation is, which will lead to an argument. And it has gotten to the point where he becomes defensive when things come up regarding her. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and it is getting to where I don't even ask him about his visits to the child.
"I truly feel he loves me, that is written in his journal as well, but I don't think he is over this ex-girlfriend."
This is a very difficult situation and from what you've stated, it sounds like he does love you. But like you said, it also sounds like that he still loves his ex-girlfriend.
Are you and your husband both willing to get counseling ?
This is a very difficult situation and from what you've stated, it sounds like he does love you. But like you said, it also sounds like that he still loves his ex-girlfriend.
Are you and your husband both willing to get counseling ?
Yes, I consider getting a divorce each and every day. I have two children from a previous marriage, ages 9 and 10, and they are already attached to him. I don't want to mess them up, and I don't quite know how to handle everything that is going on. I can't physically have any more children, so there are no concerns there. When we first met, I was very careful to inquire and dig into his feelings about his ex and the baby situation, whether he was over her and had put closure on the relationship. He assured me that he was and I took him at his word. I guess I saw some very good things within him and could see a good future there. He is a very good person, has a good job and a good provider. He has a good head on his shoulders. We are able to talk about everything, we have very good communication. We do communicate about this situation each and every day. I just don't see it ever being in a good way because of how he handles things. But we do express ourselves. But I have come across several things, like the journal, phone records and now this note, and it just seems like the lies and secrets keep servicing. I truly feel he loves me, that is written in his journal as well, but I don't think he is over this ex-girlfriend. I feel I was a good settle for him to try to move forward. But now looking back, I wish I would have walked away from him the minute I found out about the baby. But I didn't and I fell in love with him. So now it is really hard to walk away and I don't want my children to be hurt.
Julieanne, have you given much consideration to getting a divorce? There is no shame in admitting once you realize you've made a big mistake, fixing it. The shame is in sitting there and knowing you've made a mistake, and waiting and waiting and God forbid getting pregnant and bringing a child into this.
It certainly sounds like he's still in love with her, and this baby needs a father.
Best wishes. This is way, way too quickly to marry a man who was in a major depression over losing a girl who has his newborn.
It certainly sounds like he's still in love with her, and this baby needs a father.
Best wishes. This is way, way too quickly to marry a man who was in a major depression over losing a girl who has his newborn.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
