Worried that my husband is still in love with his ex girlfriend

[Julianne65]

I think my husband of 2 months, is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.  They have a child together that is 10 months old.  The child lives with the ex full time, and my husband only gets to see her every other Saturday.  He hasn't pushed her for more time with the child, hasn't gotten any solo visitation at all.  He tells me that he is working on her in little steps, that he doesn't want to **** her off.  He doesn't want to risk not being able to see the child at all, so he keeps the peace.  But in doing this, he allows the ex to call all the shots regarding the baby, when he can see the baby, etc.  Also, when he does go down there to see the baby, he will take the ex shopping, to the bank, out to lunch, wherever she needs to go.  They go and see friends that they have together and meets them at places or visits them in their home.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling.  I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child.  But his actions tell me otherwise.  He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe.  He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise.  I don't know what to do.

[mami1323]

I don't want to sound too harsh but he's still got feelings for her.  You've only been married to him for 2 months and their baby is only 10 months old.  How long did you date before you got married?  Their baby isn't even a year old yet so it seems that they just sort of broke up.  How long were they together for?  He is not making any efforts to change the situation and it doesn't seem to bother him.  There is no need to take her places or to even see her.  If he wants more visitation than he needs to go to court.  He can demand more time and he can basically take his child anywhere he wants.  He could also get overnight visits.  He doesn't have to be controlled by her yet I feel that he doesn't mind spending this time with her.  Going to mutual friend's houses is completely unexceptable, they are acting like they are still a couple.  Where do you stand in this situation?  You are his wife right?  He seems to care more about this woman's feelings than yours.  Do you think that he rushed into marriage with you in order to try and let go of his ex?  You need to put your foot down, either he changes the visitation situation and only see this woman during pick ups or drop offs of the child or you need to leave him.  You can not be set aside, and don't let him think that he is playing you for a fool.

[Julianne65]

Don't worry about sounding too harsh.  I know that he still has feelings for her and I guess I'm having such a hard time because he continues to deny that he does as well.  They were together for 10 months when they broke up in Feb 2006 when she was still pregnant.  We met 3 days before the baby was born in July 2006, and we were married in Feb 2007, so we dated for 7 months.  She doesn't own a car, and he says he doesn't like to stay at the apartment for his whole visit, as her mother and sister are there as well.  So he doesn't mind taking her here or there, because it gets him away from them and their place.  He pushed her into mediation even to get every other Saturday down for visitation, but he won't push her anymore.  He said that he promised her and her mother that he would keep the peace, but all that seems to me is that he is shutting his mouth and letting her walk all over him like a pansie.  He says he is working on the solo visitation, but won't push for it, and only makes little steps here or there.  He has only had one hour solo in the 10 months, and that was only when he dropped the mother off at the store and came back an hour later to pick her up.  The only arguments that we have ever had is this situation and the way he handles everything.  He totally knows how I feel and that I think he handles it completely wrong.  He says that I just need to trust him enough and let him handle it his way.  But for me, when I see him messing up a situation that affects me and my family, I can't keep quiet about it.  So we continuously fight about this.  And yes, sometimes I do think he jumped into our relationship to get over her, and to get himself in a relationship that would get him to move down here closer to the baby.  I have expressed all these things to him, time and time again.

[RockRose]

Julieanne,  have you given much consideration to getting a divorce?  There is no shame in admitting once you realize you've made a big mistake,  fixing it.  The shame is in sitting there and knowing you've made a mistake,  and waiting and waiting and God forbid getting pregnant and bringing a child into this.

It certainly sounds like he's still in love with her,  and this baby needs a father.  

Best wishes.  This is way,  way too quickly to marry a man who was in a major depression over losing a girl who has his newborn.  

[Julianne65]

Yes, I consider getting a divorce each and every day.  I have two children from a previous marriage, ages 9 and 10, and they are already attached to him.  I don't want to mess them up, and I don't quite know how to handle everything that is going on.  I can't physically have any more children, so there are no concerns there.  When we first met, I was very careful to inquire and dig into his feelings about his ex and the baby situation, whether he was over her and had put closure on the relationship.  He assured me that he was and I took him at his word.  I guess I saw some very good things within him and could see a good future there.  He is a very good person, has a good job and a good provider.  He has a good head on his shoulders.  We are able to talk about everything, we have very good communication.  We do communicate about this situation each and every day.  I just don't see it ever being in a good way because of how he handles things.  But we do express ourselves.  But I have come across several things, like the journal, phone records and now this note, and it just seems like the lies and secrets keep servicing.  I truly feel he loves me, that is written in his journal as well, but I don't think he is over this ex-girlfriend.  I feel I was a good settle for him to try to move forward.  But now looking back, I wish I would have walked away from him the minute I found out about the baby.  But I didn't and I fell in love with him.  So now it is really hard to walk away and I don't want my children to be hurt.

[PlateletGal]

"I truly feel he loves me, that is written in his journal as well, but I don't think he is over this ex-girlfriend."


This is a very difficult situation and from what you've stated, it sounds like he does love you. But like you said, it also sounds like that he still loves his ex-girlfriend.

Are you and your husband both willing to get counseling ?

[Julianne65]

Oh yes, we would be willing to go to counseling.  The problem there is that he is out of town working during the week and only home on the weekends, so we are 75 miles apart during the week.
I think my biggest hurdle is to actually get him to admit to me that he is still in love with her.  He hasn't done that, and when I directly ask him, he tells me he is appalled that I would even say that to him.  And then he never actually told me that he doesn't love her, but he didn't tell me that he does either, except that he loves her because she is the mother of his child.  He will bring up how things were with her and how much she hurt him and all the things she did to him.  I guess he is trying to throw all this out so I would think how could he still love her after all she has done.  But just because someone does something that bad to another person, doesn't mean that they still don't love each other.  It takes a lot for things to heal, and I don't think he completely has.  He continuously lets her use him, and won't stand up to her.  Sometimes I feel like he wants to live these two different lives.  He always defends her, no matter what the situation is, which will lead to an argument.  And it has gotten to the point where he becomes defensive when things come up regarding her.  He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, and it is getting to where I don't even ask him about his visits to the child.

[PlateletGal]

I think he needs to make your marriage a priority --- both of you do if you want to save this marriage. He should consider taking time off from work or changing his schedule so that he can make time for counseling.

[shygirl1981]

if he was the one to break it off with his ex, I think you would be okay. but he wasnt, she was. this is not good, and you will probably have to deal with this for a very long time.  if you leave and get a divorce, the hurt over the betrayal will stop NOW. anything that's hurting you will stop now.  I know it's sh!tty, but bad decisions will have bad consequences, and you have to deal with them. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but if you decide to do what's best for you and end it, you will get over it, and you will be incredibly empowered.

[RockRose]

Julianne - I'm sorry you're in such a difficult spot.  I really think the best lesson you could teach your pre-teen daughters at this time is that you don't marry a man who has a teeny baby by someone else.   That's a mistake.  Even if he didn't want his ex-girlfriend and baby,  that's a mistake too.  You don't want to marry a man who's still in a deep depression because his girlfriend and baby aren't with him,  nor do you want a man who will walk away from them without hurting.   You don't want a man who has a baby by someone else.  

When I first read your post,  I thought you were maybe 18 years old.  You're too old to have made this fundamental mistake,  and I wish you well in correcting it before your girls get even more hurt.

[RockRose]

I totally disagree that his priority should be on his 2 month marriage.

His first priority (and actually,  only priority) should be on his baby.

[PlateletGal]

IMO.... it doesn't matter how long they've been married.... they both took their vows. And this decision he will make will affect his happiness, which in turn will have an effect on his baby. Obviously I'm not saying that he should take away time from his baby --- only put in the extra time it takes to seek counseling --- if he and the poster wants to save their marriage.

[pertykitty]

i feel bad for this poor gal. how long did you know him before you married him? if he has a 2 month old baby it couldnt have been very long. and you knew that a baby was on the way right? did he seem totally in love with you  and was there contact with the ex? look i will be straight with you. you have been married for 2 months. the age of the baby. so in the least im guessing you knew each other and got married all within the minimun of 9 months. that is oftly quick. i was a divorced mom with a child, i understand not wanting to hurt them by leaving. but to fall that quickly and knowing he had a baby on the way, you really put yourself in a pickle. i dont care if my dh had a child by another, he better not spend the day with the mom taking her shopping or having lunch as a family with old friends. you are being totally disrespected. i know you love him, but it sounds like his head is for his other family. i would probably tell him to go be with his other famiily and file. better to get out early on than to wait 3 years when everyone is really going to get hurt.

[Julianne65]

I do want to thank all of you so much for all your thoughts and good points.  It has helped me see a lot of different sides.  But I think the main side is that I am being totally taken for granted by his expecting me to just sit back and allow him to do all that he is doing.  He should be able to put full closure on these feelings he has for his ex girlfriend, and if he can't, then he needs to be with her and not with me.  And if he really and truly wants to be with me, then he needs to change his ways and prove to me that he really wants me.  
All of your kind or harsh words have really hit me in a good way and is now going to give me to courage to really do something about all of this, as I know I can't let it keep going on this way and letting him continue to do what he is doing.  He needs to shape up or he needs to ship out.  And I now have the courage to tell him just that.  I have been afraid to force him to tell me the truth, but now I know that I have to really know the truth, and I'm not afraid of the end result, which could be that it might dissolve my marriage.  But I know I can't keep going on the way I have been.  
Thanks so much to all of you.

[PlateletGal]

Good luck ! I do hope that your husband is able to stick by his decision and that you get the closure that you seek. Just a though.... if you husband sticks around, it may be a good idea to set up boundaries when it comes to his ex. He should decide whether or not it is acceptable for him to be used by her.

If you can, please let us know what happens. We do care.

[PlateletGal]

I meant --- just a thought. I've been doing this all week --- not feeling too good here. = (

[RockRose]

Platelet - I know I do sound very judgemental on this forum,  and it's because I really care about kids and I'm kind of sick up to here with kids who don't have both parents with them.

I know sometimes that's unavoidable - things happen.  But we as a society have sort of decided that it's not that important that kids have parents,  and in this thread it seems obvious that most think the brand new marriage commitment is much more important than the commitment a father has to his baby.

We're all supposed to judge - how else would we have a society,  and have rules that people have to follow?  Of course we judge.

I'm sorry if my judgement seems harsh,  and when I post and disclose things that I'm doing in my family,  if someone honestly thinks I'm doing something harmful,  and making a mistake,  I truly hope they speak up.

Best wishes.

[PlateletGal]

I always believe in giving honest answers. To be dishonest, is certainly not going to help any person who needs advice.

I admire the fact that you give your honest opinions, but telling the poster that her marriage was a "mistake" is a judgment. The fact is this poster's husband loves her and she loves him. The fact is, you & I don't know these people, their history and we could not even possibly make a judgment --- even if we wanted to. Only the poster can decide this for herself and to be honest with you, she married this man after he had told her that he had no feelings for his ex.

IMO... it is especially wrong to give advice based on our own fears or beliefs about how society should be.

[RockRose]

Maybe we should just agree to disagree.   ;D

In my opinion,  it's especially wrong to water down your opinions because you think people will be unwilling to try to reach high standards.  

So there you have it.  Peace.

[Julianne65]

My husband and I talked and this time he actually said that he loves only me, he doesn't love her.  He wants a life and future with me, and that we need to focus on our marriage.  He said that whatever he does during his visitations is for the baby onlyand the ex is attached to the baby.  I asked him that when things come up that he is at least open to discussing what bothers me and at least meet me halfway and compromise on a solution.  This affects me and I should be allowed to be a part of the decisions regarding it, and not to just sit back and have to accept what he decides to do.  He didn't seem to want to bend here, and that he wants to stick to the fact that he will handle things his way, and if I have a problem with something she has done, then I need to pick up the phone and talk to her about it.  That totally bothers me, because why would he not be willing to compromise with me and risk my being angry and picking up the phone and calling her, with the chance of messing things up with his visitation.  Then he throws in my face that I better make sure to not **** her off and mess up his visitations.  Why would he be so unwilling or scared to talk to her himself at the risk of my messing things up for him?  Why should I talk to her? It is clearly written in his journal that he loves her.  My big dilemma now is that I haven't had the courage to tell him that I read this in his journal, or that I have seen the love note in the safe, or that I have seen phone calls with her on the phone bill.  I don't want him to try to worm his way out of anything by turning this all on me and throw in my face that I was snooping and invading his privacy.

[pertykitty]

one thing im confused on is why is he nervous about visitation? dont they have a court order? why doesnt he get the baby on some weekends? why only is visitation with the baby and her? does she have some dirt on him? did he use drugs? has he been arrested? just because he is the father doesnt mean he is entitled to less rights or visitation if the answers are no. im sorry but id be unwilling to allow him to do what he needs to for the baby and the mother attached. no. he needs to be a father to this child and love it and care for it. but he needs to make you a priority as well. if he loves this baby why doesnt he take her to court for more visitation or partial custody?

[Julianne65]

Since he was never married to her, he feels that she is allowed to call all the shots because they only have mediation paperwork where they agreed to every other Sat visitation.  At the time of this, he lived 80 miles away from her, so that is what he agreed to.  But they apparently had a verbal agreement that once he was closer to the baby, he could see the baby more often.  This has only happened a few times though.  This is why sometimes I feel I was convenient to him because I lived only 20 miles away from the baby.  But she does tell him that he can go and see the baby as much as he wants, but he doesn't do it, perhaps because right now he is only home on the weekends, or because he doesnt want to have to run her around, who knows.  Sometimes I wonder if she has something on him and that is why he won't stand up to him, but why wouldn't he care if I called her or not.  I just feel that there are things that I don't fully know about, that he has all these secrets.  He won't take her to court because he feels he would have to get an expensive lawyer, and doesn't want to put the money out for one, so he wants to work on her slowly, to keep the peace and not cause any arguments.  So basically he gets what she allows him to have right now.

[pertykitty]

i think its time you suggest (as a very supporting wife) that the visitation, and all be made legal. im sure she tells him if he doesnt do what she says he cant see the baby, and might very well believe her. she holds no control if done through the courts. they will set up visitation, child support, who pays for what ect. i think it will be the best so that way she cant use it against him if that is what she is doing. now if she has something on him, she would have to be able to prove it. if he did drugs at one point, well they could follicle test him. it goes back i think 7 months to a year. but if he is clean now he has nothing to worry about. that is IF that were a concern. if he only sees the baby on occation then what difference does it make? i mean what if the courts said you can see the baby once a month? or you have to have supervised visitation (ok im being way on the edge but to prove a point) he is anyway. i hope im making sense. there is no judge that will tell him he cant be a part of his childs life unless he is doing things that could cause harm. you have children from a previous marriage (as do i ) so you should see what im talking about. i dont want to be this way but should he say he doesnt want to go through the courts, and he has nothing to hide, then maybe he likes things the way they are. seriously id be worried. if my husband of only a few months was off with the other gal. he sounds sneaky. be careful.

[PlateletGal]

I agree with mami. I was going to ask about the baby and mention that it sounds like your husband could be terrified of losing any rights to his child and giving into his ex because of this. Or is he doing it because he still has feelings for her ? And is it okay with you that he is taking his ex shopping and out to lunch when he sees her ?

As far as finding the note and reading the baby's journal... I think you need to tell him and just lay it on the line. If you don't, you may tell him when you are angry at him and that would make things worse. You are his wife and this man has given you some reasons not to trust him completely and you have every right to know what is going on.

[waitingwithhope]

Here is my take on it--he still loves his ex. He is not with her, though, because there is something there between them that he already recognizes didn't work. He loves you too because he married you. He has a responsibility to both relationships now- not to the other woman but to their child together (he financially and emotionally must support this child and help facilitate the best upbringing for the child as possible) and he has committed to you too--he must provide for you and love you and look out for you too. I think that he may have to work out some sort of visitation or custody schedule that includes having the child over to your place or that at least involves him being alone with the child in a public place (i.e. a park) without her around. It is an uncomfortable situation, but since you knew going into it that there would be challenges, this is one that you must face--but together. If he is brushing things off, then he is not balancing out his responsibilities and that is unfair to you. He needs to also understand that him being with his ex, even if he says it is for his child, makes you feel threatened. It does not matter if he is not doing anything wrong--if you feel it, he must work with you to find a plan for this that makes you feel more at ease. In the end, he must help to raise his child and he will be a part of the child's life always and in some ways, that will involve staying in contact with his ex. Get some boundaries established and then you will feel at peace.