Aa
advice please....
well, hello all...this is more than a question and we are all adults on here so I will be very detailed and ask that it is not made fun of and those who answer please give me serious advice....now my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and this has been an issue from the start but I thought after some getting used to things would change....anyway everything between us is great!!!! communication, he accepts my kids from my previous marriage and everything. I've been divorced since 2003...but the sex, now granted its good but I have to initiate it before he gets involved, he never makes the first move, when I say never I mean NEVER...I can count on one hand in 3 years how many times he has. im always on top and now its getting annoying to say the least we'll be hugging, kissing and he will get all aroused but he waits for me to go all the way and the other day took the cake...I got him all aroused and then I was just laying there waiting for him to make the move ...waiting and he did nothing....NOTHING so I turned my back to him huffin and puffin making it obvious that I was pissed and he says to me "what are you cooking for dinner?" as if I wasn't just playing with his soldier lol and clearly wanted to have sex. I have observed that he is not as sexually expressive if that's the way to put it, as I am but im confused I've talked to him about it before and he said he isn't used to showing emotions but he will work on it but that's not his issue cause he shows them just fine but I have to start it and he never gets on top and takes control....I don't want to be in control all the time! please someone take me serious and give me some adult advice I don't want to cheat but if he doesn't step up and take some control im gonna do something I don't want to do...he is a great man and we get along great like we haven't had problems with cheating or disrespect or anything bad. This is the ONLY complaint I have about him...he cooks, cleans, helps with the kids,bills,anything we need and sometimes our wants when he can afford it. I know he loves me, I know he is attracted to me... what should I do.....? help please.....
I know I'm young and all, but have you thought about sex therapy? My BF and I are looking into couples' counselling b/c we argue a lot and don't communicate well sometimes. Therapy can help with a lot of different things, especially with a third-party who's unbiased. Just a thought.
i do that to. i say....nope i'm making HIM make the first move....yeah it never lasts. i cave. since having the kids my sex drive is through the roof. i figured he'd love it....but he's the opposite. since i had the kids his when down the crapper. it ***** big time.
thanks girl....it really *****...now we are not really talking, I guess I have a bit of a attitude, being horny can do that to ya ....LOL along with other added stress, I think he knows why im upset too becuz this topic is nothing new and he knows me well, so last night before he went to work, he said he don't care about my little attitude.....stubborn IS a good description ..... who knows when we will have sex again becuz I have promised myself that I will not come on to him again until he does it first...and that will be when hell freezes over :(
mine never initiates either. and is RARELY on top. it does get annoying. i hint that he can take charge. i even ASK him. and i get...whatever you want whatever you want. which at first was GREAT....3 1/2 years later....him being the manly man i know he is and taking control would be nice.....so don't worry....you are most definately not alone. i feel your pain on stubborn men.
sammy.....you are awesome! thank you. you said some really good possibilities as what his problem could be...I have spoken to him and he said he would work on it that was 6 months ago. I think its a little bit of ALL that you mentioned to be honest....I guess I just have to accept the flaw :(......... and butterfly ..good advice too! thanks .... and teko....if you figure something out before I do you let me know too ...lol..I really appreciate all your responses..im guess this is what that sayin " stuck between a rock and a hard place." means huh?......ugh!!!!
My husband lets me know by saying the following : "You gonna be good to me woman!" Then we take our positions, alwys the same one of course, then its over?
You talk about a turn off, just thought I would let you know your not alone. I guess if everything else is good, there has to be a flaw somewhere. (shking head in utter disgust just thinking about it). If you find the answer, let me know will ya?
You talk about a turn off, just thought I would let you know your not alone. I guess if everything else is good, there has to be a flaw somewhere. (shking head in utter disgust just thinking about it). If you find the answer, let me know will ya?
Some people have walls... emotional barriers that inhibit one's ability to express feelings and display affection. And, there could be a variety of reasons for this including shyness, cultural upbringing, religious influences; or, as sammy73 in the above post wisely pointed out, he may simply not be that "into sex" and isn't as comfortable and open with it as you are. For whatever reason, it is doubtful that your boyfriend can change as sexual inhibition may, indeed, be a part of his personality makeup. The sexual scenario that you described would be considered to be a deal breaker in many relationships. So, is it a deal breaker for you? Perhaps, not now. Will it become a deal breaker for you in the future? Possibly, so. Is the significance and importance of sexual expression something that you can compromise on? And, should you compromise? Only you know how you feel and what want in an intimate relationship. Above all else, be true to yourself.
A couple of thoughts come to mind - could be either or both of these (or neither, and something else completely):
He may be reluctant to initiate sex because he is (conciously or subconciously) scared of rejection - he doesn't want to initiate something for you then to say no, you don't want it. This might be a learned behaviour from a previous relationship, where he gave up initiating sex because his partner might say no, now it's a habit and he's just used to doing it.
The other thought is that different people have different sexual personalities, and often their sexual personalities can be very different to their normal personality (it's surprising how many people who are powerful or leaders in normal life like to be dominated during sex!). This may be how he likes sex - he likes to be controlled, he likes you to be in charge, or it could be that he enjoys having you do all the work while he is a passive partner.
Oh, or a third thought: maybe he's just not as into sex as you are, he's happy to do it from time to time but perfectly happy to go without too. The frequency with which you initiate sex is plenty enough to keep him happy, so he doesn't bother initiating it any more often.
I don't know you or your boyfriend, so I know very little about you. Just from the occasion you gave an example of, I'd guess my hunch is it's more likely to be the second thing, or possibly the third - after all, if you've already been playing with him and got him aroused, it's pretty clear you are up for it so there's not much danger of rejection there! But it is possible that he interpreted you moving back and lying there waiting for him as meaning that you'd lost the mood and no longer felt like sex, so he just moved on.
In any case, you need to talk to him about it, and make it clear that this is a really serious issue for you. If it's the second thing I mentioned, he needs to be aware that some compromise is necessary. Occasionally two people meet whose sexual personalities are perfectly compatible with each other; more often each person will have specific things that they are into, specific ways they like behaving, that the other person doesn't share so much. Compromise is called for, which can mean sometimes doing it the way one person likes it, sometimes doing it the way the other does (as long as one person's "thing" isn't objectionable to the other!). Or it can mean having a bit of what you both want. Like so much else in a relationship, it works best if each person's aim is to make the other person happy. You need to let your husband know, it the gentlest way you can while still being completely clear, that what he's doing now is not meeting your needs or desires.
Good luck, I hope this works out for you!!
He may be reluctant to initiate sex because he is (conciously or subconciously) scared of rejection - he doesn't want to initiate something for you then to say no, you don't want it. This might be a learned behaviour from a previous relationship, where he gave up initiating sex because his partner might say no, now it's a habit and he's just used to doing it.
The other thought is that different people have different sexual personalities, and often their sexual personalities can be very different to their normal personality (it's surprising how many people who are powerful or leaders in normal life like to be dominated during sex!). This may be how he likes sex - he likes to be controlled, he likes you to be in charge, or it could be that he enjoys having you do all the work while he is a passive partner.
Oh, or a third thought: maybe he's just not as into sex as you are, he's happy to do it from time to time but perfectly happy to go without too. The frequency with which you initiate sex is plenty enough to keep him happy, so he doesn't bother initiating it any more often.
I don't know you or your boyfriend, so I know very little about you. Just from the occasion you gave an example of, I'd guess my hunch is it's more likely to be the second thing, or possibly the third - after all, if you've already been playing with him and got him aroused, it's pretty clear you are up for it so there's not much danger of rejection there! But it is possible that he interpreted you moving back and lying there waiting for him as meaning that you'd lost the mood and no longer felt like sex, so he just moved on.
In any case, you need to talk to him about it, and make it clear that this is a really serious issue for you. If it's the second thing I mentioned, he needs to be aware that some compromise is necessary. Occasionally two people meet whose sexual personalities are perfectly compatible with each other; more often each person will have specific things that they are into, specific ways they like behaving, that the other person doesn't share so much. Compromise is called for, which can mean sometimes doing it the way one person likes it, sometimes doing it the way the other does (as long as one person's "thing" isn't objectionable to the other!). Or it can mean having a bit of what you both want. Like so much else in a relationship, it works best if each person's aim is to make the other person happy. You need to let your husband know, it the gentlest way you can while still being completely clear, that what he's doing now is not meeting your needs or desires.
Good luck, I hope this works out for you!!
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