Fiance's family

[jojo24]

My fiance's mother and brother hit him up for money all the time.  This has been going on since he was able to work.  His mom and brother know exactly the day when he gets paid and call and send emails that day asking for money.  This bothers me.  I wouldn't mind giving them money as long as they paid us back but they never do, nor do they offer.  When we first got together before we got engaged, I really couldn't believe it.  My mom has never asked me for money and I don't think she ever would, not that I wouldn't give it to her if she did.  But this is an almost-every week occurence, and he always told them that he would give them his last and he would go hungry so they could eat.  Well, when I stepped into the picture and accepted his proposal, I told him this has got to stop and it led to an argument.  He said I couldn't stop him from giving them money and I said it's my money too.  Well, as time went on, they called more and more and he finally came to me and asked me if it was okay.  Reluctantly I told him it was okay as long as they paid us back, but we're not going to see that money until after the new year, if ever at all.  We didn't eat that week but his family got to.  He said that he thought about it and decided that if they were down to their last they wouldn't give it to us so we could eat.  The last straw was last week when his mom called and asked for him to co-sign on a loan for him and he refused (he's done it before and she's even had credit cards in his name).  well, then she asked for the title to his car as collateral for the loan!  he said no, of cour

[JoAnnaRF]

Oh YAY!! I am so happy you like the idea.
You HAVE to update this after because I will be dying to know how your gifts are received;)
Good luck and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
-Jo

[jojo24]

Coupons and gift cards are a wonderful idea!!  Thanks for the Christmas gift idea!! Heck yeah!  I think he would go for that too!  They each get gift cards to go Krogering this Christmas!  Good thing you can't get alcohol and tobacco cuz his dad drinks like a fish and his mom smokes like a chimney!  That's probably one of the things all their money goes to.  They need to quit those habits if they can't afford them.  Thank you everyone for all of the advise, you guys are great!! :D

[JoAnnaRF]

Coupons are a great idea! Oh and you can also buy gift cards from the grocery store and I believe they CAN'T be used to buy alcohol or tobacco. So IF they REALLY need food, and since they live too far away to have them for dinner, this could be a nice solution. And if they really don't NEED food, they will probably stop asking after getting a $25.00 gift card to Publix, Kroger, Albertsons etc..
It sounds like you two are paying for the Big Screen T.V.'s and nice cars that you gain no benefit from. I really love the idea that you could control what YOUR money is spent on.
Hope this is a useful idea;)
--J

[oceans3]

i agree with you joanna! and YES jojo, this situation will prove to be a difficult one. they will place the blame upon you because they were receiving $ up until you came in the picture. i have no idea what your financial situation is like but your finance should say to his brother that he simply cannot send $ anymore and give a couple reasons as to why not. he doesnt have to be mean about it but just explain that now he has a woman in his life and so on... i am wondering... and this would ONLY be to keep the peace with his parents and yourself, if he did send them some $? is that feasiable? i know my dad (in his 60's) mails his mom (my grandmother) a check (i dont know if its every week or month)but he still sends it to her because he knows she needs it. my dad is retired (moms a nurse) and certainly are not well off by any means but i guess it's just something he does. i am sure she has asked for $ and that's how it turned out.  
i don't know jojo? i just feel no matter what happens its a no win situation. i do not see sending his brother $ justified so that should be out. i wonder if you could help either one or both get on some type of aid? clip coupons and mail them? LOL!

[JoAnnaRF]

Sounds like his Mom has the Ole Apron strings tied in a knot around his neck (and wallet).
Time for JoJo to get out a Big Ole pair of scissors. LOL
Seriously though, it's a tough situation and I doubt there will be a simple solution. You probably had a lot of frustration ahead of you, but it will all work out eventually and be worth it since it sounds like you have "A Keeper".
Good Luck!
--Jo

[jojo24]

I appreciate everyone's comments.  Sorry it took me so long to respond, I've been sick.  Anyway, I told my fiance that he should suggest them selling their nice things or pawning them or whatever.  The truth is, his dad is disabled and never leaves the house, yet he has a car that is paid off! But he doesn't want to sell it.  And his brother and sister in law had a car that needed repairs that they couldn't afford so they left it at the shop and bought a new car and stopped making payments on the old car!!!  I would invite them to dinner if it weren't for a teeny tiny little problem... they all live out of state!! His parents are closer they probably live about 70 miles away, but his brother lives about 500! So the dinner thing is out, and what sucks is we really don't know where the money's going.  It's not like we can just go over there and look through their fridge to see if they really have food.  They could be using the money for anything.  I'm just sick of feeling bad, but everyone is right, they need to get their priorities straight.

[jojo24]

He is a noble guy, by the way.  He helped me when I had nothing too, but I also helped myself and now I am helping him.  I am working very hard to give him back everything he's given to me and he said that no one in his life has ever done that for him.  He's always been the giver.  But I'm making it my duty to end those days.  His family avoids talking about money around me because they already know that I have a problem with it.  And they really are starting not to like me because "before JoJo came around he always said yes, she must be controlling him." well, that's what I assume they will say because they are like that.

[TheToken]

There comes a point when you have to stop providing for people and forcing them to go out and provide for themselves.  The more money you give to someone, the more accustomed they get to recieving it - the more likely they will call back for more...the cycle feeds itself.

Your Fiance is a noble guy, but if he's letting his mamma leash him like that, you look forward to this for the rest of your life.  Do you really want this?

[tinaet]

not to sound mean or any thing, but if their having this hard of time buying food and have children then why don;t they try to get food stamps, unless your brother-in-law makes too much money. My mother in-law works for the state and deals with this all the time. Their are a lot of people who blows their money on stupid junk instead of buying food. when you have kids you buy food first. Ask them about food stamps. Some people don't like to get them, i guess pride.

[siren of the sea]

i cant imagine telling my son he owes me. that is wrong for a mother to say. sounds like she is lazy and will use any excuse to get what she wants. if she has summers off she could get a summer job. there isnt any reason for her not to. we all do what we have to , and she needs to be responsible. what happens when you have children? the bear analogy was perfect. i am all for helping family when they need it, but not supporting them. when i worked in a dental office people would come in and need a treatment that might add up to $800. they would say they couldnt afford that and let it go, they also then talked about the cruise they were going to take, the new plasma tv they just bought and the fancy car out in the parking lot. people have different priorities.

[JoAnnaRF]

If you feed the bears, they get lazy and expect you to keep feeding them eventually forgetting how to feed themselves!
I loved some of the ideas given, especially the invite to dinner. If they call and use the "We have no food" excuse then offer to have them over for dinner. Kind of like the Homeless guy on the corner with his hand out, if you hand him a dollar then you have no idea how it is spent, if you hand him a sandwich then you know he has been fed. Not that it is our job to necessarily be the Moral Police, but if it is YOUR money then you should have a say in how it is spent.
Your story scares me because I see this happening to my daughter. SHe is dating and plans to marry a hardworking guy. She is almost 18 and he is 19. He works 2 jobs. And he is ALWAYS broke! Sadly it isn't because he is buying her nice things, it is because he is always giving it to his mother. I have told her that she needs to put a stop to that BEFORE she even thinks about marrying him. My husband and I have always had the mentality that in our marriage, ALL money is OUR money. No seperate accounts and such, but I DO see why people would do taht because if he doesn't start telling his mother no then HER money will be going to HIS mother before long. He can't afford to take her to the movies most of the time because he had to take his mom grocery shopping! And yes, his mother works, his dad works, and blows a LOT of money on the Lottery and gambling.
I think I'll show this thread to my daughter so she can see just how bad it can be and how she isn't alone.
All I can say is you are TOTALLY in the right and Please, Don't Feed The Bears!!

[sk2006a]

nice cars and big screen televisions?  maybe a suggestion to sell off the nice cars for inexpensive models would get them thinking.  i like the previous suggestion of turning around and occasionally asking THEM for loans!  and, how about inviting them over for dinner now and then - it would surely be cheaper than just handing them the money.

his mother sounds awfully manipulative.  you definitely need to set some boundaries set before you actually get married.  otherwise, you're never going to be free from the loan requests.  

good luck.

[PlateletGal]

"But then she made him feel guilty by saying that she's his mother and she raised him and he owes her for all of the money she ever bpent on him"

Yikes! I think you & your fiance need to set boundaries with his family. Of course it is tricky because this is his family and you are about to marry him and become a part of this. Just handle it like you would handle a baby... very carefully!

[jen023]

I don't blame you - I would definitely put a stop to it. You are right when you say that it's not just his money, it's yours too - and you have a right to be upset about it and do something about it. It also sounds like your fiance (sorry, I called him your hubby earlier - I shouldn't read so fast :) is starting to agree with you, so maybe between the two of you, you can figure out a way to get it to stop. Helping out your family is one thing - but when they aren't trying to help themselves than I don't think they deserve your help. You'll have to keep me posted as to what happens...

[jojo24]

Yes, his mom has a job, but it doesn't pay much and she doesn't want to get a different one because her job gives her paid summers off.  His brother has a job, but his sister-in-law can't keep a job.  she's the type of person who will quit a job after a month just because she doesn't like working there.  But I work my A$$ off everyday and I have 2 jobs and my fiance works his butt off too.  I only get one day a week off, if that I don't think it's fair that I have to bust my A$$ everyday only to have my money go to people who haven't earned it.  I don't have any problem paying bills and providing for my family, because that's the life I chose.  I didn't however choose to provide for 2 other families as well!

[jen023]

This is strictly my opinion, but... I don't think you are wrong at all - in fact, I think it's awful that his family is using him that way. And using you too. Do any of them have jobs? I can't believe that they expect you to suffer just so that they can live comfortably - off of your money! I would definitely put a complete stop to it right away. Maybe your hubby can try talking to them - explain that you can't afford to help them out anymore... that you are in turn suffering. If that doesn't work - than just be blunt about it - whenever they ask - just tell them you don't have it. Or turn the tables and say "actually, I was thinking of asking you if I could borrow some money"

I don't know - it's a tough situation - but you two have to think of yourselves first...

[jojo24]

e.  But then she made him feel guilty by saying that she's his mother and she raised him and he owes her for all of the money she ever bpent on him and I told him that it was her job as a mother to do that!  But since then she's still been hitting us up for money and I feel bad because they don't have any food in the house and no gas, but I don't really see how that's my problem.  I have to eat too, and so does my fiance and we thought about that when we budgeted on our bills and such.  we don't live beyond our means or anything, but we can't afford to feed his family.  By the way, we are 24 and his brother is 31, married, has a baby, and another one on the way.  I'm like, if you can't afford to eat why are you having more babies?  They all have filed bankruptcy and they are all in so much debt it's ridiculous.  But they all have big screen TV's, nice cars, etc.  But my fiance and I are trying to be smart about it and not have those things till we can really afford it.  Sorry this is so long, but I need to know if I'm wrong for denying his family or are they wrong for not having any shame?  Thanks for your response and you may use this as an open forum.