relationship of control and emotional abuse

[etoile2030]

Hi!
I'll try to make this short. My boyfriend is a control freak. Because of his control I don't have any friends, my relations with my familly are weak, I don't wear anything but old T-shirts and jeans because other stuff is to revealing, I haven't finished my studies, I have no money, I have been insulted and have no selfesteam, I have been hit and constantly yelled at. For the last 16 moths we have been arguing every single day. There is this vicious circle - fight&love. He loves me in his twisted way, but I can not bear this anymore. I've gotten emotionaly sick. I have an anxiety disorder now, I'm always afraid of everything, mostly people because he forbid me to talk to anyone and certainly not to touch anyone (hand shake, to bump into somebody accidentaly, hug, stand to close). He is always threatening me if I leave - "you will never see me again", "you don't want to be my ennemi", "you will never find happiness alone", "you are a woman, you should obey", "I always get revenge".
So one day I couldn't do it no more, I was loosing my mind and I left. We were seeing each other even after that and he showed a bit of his soft side and it was better. I offered friendship but I saw that this will not change all the "rules". In his head it would be like before except that we wouldn't sleep together. This doesn't work for me. I need to take my own choices in life and think with my own head, not with his. But the thing is that I?m emotionaly dependent only on him, I miss him, nobody knows me like him, I feel I can't live without him.
So he said today if I wanted freedom, that we will never ever see each other and he left.
I'm now left alone, but the anxiety is here. I'm afraid to be alone, I have no friends, my parents have no clue about my feelings (they think we had a little fight), I'm afraid of his revenge, I'm afraid to see him on the street, it's horrible. I'm completly stuck and I have to deal with the brake up and the anxiety disorder at the same time.
I'm going crazy!
I just wanted to ask if there is someone who has been in the same position and can tell me his/her story to reassure me a bit because my hope is at zero level. Even some advice from ppl who didn't llive this thru would be helpful. Thank you very much!

[etoile2030]

Hi!
Thank you for your answers.
To give you an update:
I think this relationship finally ended. I hope so. The last time we saw each other was simply horrible. We got in an argument, it's always the same one. I shouldn't have friends, my family doesn't matter. All that matters is him and I should focus only on him and his life and I should help and nurture him while he is working. And all of that should be considered as normal and not as a service or my goodwill. He shouldn't feel any gratitude because it's completely normal for me (because I'm a woman) to take care of him and forget my needs and opinions. In the meanwhile I should understand all of his anger and frustration and support all the mistreating from him. He should be like a God to me! I was strongly against this kind of thinking and I told him that he could at least show some respect for all that I've done for him and he was still acting superior and arogant. Then he started to insult the people he knows I care about deeply in my life and I snaped. I didn't want to get into a fight so I left saying I never want to see him again and he attacked me, he hit me and it got ugly. There was so much agression that I can't even describe. So that was it. I left in pain (emotional and physical).
I'm at my parents house now and I'm trying really hard to live normaly, but it's very very hard. I've been brainwashed for 18 moths and real life seems so odd. I wonder if I'll be "normal" again. I'm always hearing his "rules" everywhere I go and I get paranoid when I do something he wouldn't agree on. It's horribe to live like that. I told one friend about all of this because I couldn't take it no more. Her reaction was of course that I should forget about him and try to do stuff I love and try to advance in life. And as it was a great relief to talk to her it's still my own battle and I'm alone in it. It's very hard. But I have hope and I understand much better how most of the people are. I won't trust so easily from now on. The thing that scares me the most is seeing him somewhere on the street. What will I be wearing? With whom will I be? How will he react? I'm afraid, but I hope time will heal me and give me the courage to face him and stand tall.
If there is anyone who is in the same position as I was/am, please take care of yourself first. All that your controlling partner wants is to be saved from his/her own demons and sadly it can't be done by anyone but themselfs. It's very sad to leave them when they plea for help (in the end, when you are halfway thru the door) but you are not the one to save them. Save yourself. Do it now because one day it can be too late. I'm so ashamed to be one of the people who are so easily fooled (and I thought that I wasn't like that) but this experience is going to be a very hard but valuable lesson in life. Try to look at something good you can take out of it. I'm suffering very very bad but at least I don't feel that suffocating feeling of someone taking over my soul and spirit. If I make a mistake at least it will be my own!!!!!
Thank you again for the response.
Much love.

[perch101]

Thanks for giving us an update. You are so right that the truth can hurt to hear (or read as is the case here!) Some of the best advice I have received in my life hurt and was confronting when I first heard it. it means it has hit a nerve because some part of you probably already knows it...

It's good you're staying at your parents, and also good you are starting to figure out  what made you put up with the emotional abuse. This will help you break the cycle and when you are ready for a relationship again you will know what red flags too look out for and get out if you see them.

It would be a great idea to talk to your girlfriend. Telling somone will probably be a big relief. Professional advice from a therapist/counsellor/psychologist or even a womens group would be so beneficial. It will help you break the cycle and not end up in another situation like this..... as statistics unfortuately indicate does often (not always though) happen. Where do you live? Anywhere in the western world (and lots in the non-western) will have good profesionals to speak too. I live in Australia and and there are many programs that help woman who have been in your position and can give referrals to professionals who specialise in this area, and I think more countries than not are the same.... You could do a google search.

Also, although it is sad that your ex had a bad childhood, remember other people have bad childhoods and don't go on to be abusers. So although its unfortunate that he had the experience, it dosen't pardon him to abuse, or mean you have to live your life in misery because of it.

Also, it is normal that you miss him in some ways. As you said, you two shared a life together. And I'm sure you don't miss the abuse, but no I don't think your crazy for missing some aspects of him. The only thing that helps heal the pain of a break up, as I have found...... is time. As more time goes on it will get easier. You may find as this happens you get more angry because as time goes on, you'll see how much c*ap you put up with. But it WILL get easier.

Again, thanks for the update and I'm glad your not in danger.

Best wishes,
Perch.

[etoile2030]

Thank you so much for all your response and the time you put into answering me. I think what you have said is very true. I have a reason why I stayed - I'm a pleaser, I have always been one, it's certainly connected to my childhood. And he has a reason for beeing controlling - sad and hard childhood. I understand this. But what women who never experienced abusive relationship have to understand is that you don't even know how you got there. You think you're doing the right thing, honestly you do. Everything was fine in the beginning, more than fine actually. He is smart, charming, interested in me and we know each other for so long it's easy to trust him. But because of his past he has this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome and it's unbearable. I'm a smart, intelligent and a very stubborn person. I have strong opinions and I was always against abuse and I couldn't understand the women who stayed. Now I understand perfectly. It's a vicious cicle and you are blind for the truth. Your inner voice is telling you it's wrong but your emotions smother it.
Thank you for your advice really. For now I think I'm not in any physical danger so the restraining order is not necessary. I have moved out and I live with my parents. It would really be a good idea to tell someone. I don't think it will be my mother because it will hurt her to much for me to bear. I have a girlfriend in mind that would understand and I will try to open up to her. The professional help about my state of mind would be great but you have to understand that I don't live in the USA or in Great Britain and our health system is very bad. They give you antidepressants and send you home. I will wait a bit and try to see how I will adapt to the new life and if my condition gets worse I'll go to the doctor. I will concentrate on books and exams and I will try to finish my diploma so that I can be independent one day. I feel like I'm buried inside myself and that I can hear the thoughts of this person I used to be but that I can't react on them. I have to take it step by step. It's gonna be a loooong proces I think.
I have to be honest and say that I miss this guy. I must sound crazy but I've spent so much time with him that I miss his voice and his presence. When he's not going all crazy about control, he really is the greatest man I have ever met. But I realize now that I will never change or heal the ugly side of him. I think that I thought so in the beginning and that attracted me to him. But I see now that it's planted deep inside of him, it protects him to never feel the same pain he felt as a child. It's so sad. I'm really struggling with a sense of guilt for leaving him all alone... Crazy how we can just forget about our pain and see only others. That's a person who just thinks about pleasing. This urge is so strong that it makes me forget about myself.
Thank you again for your words. Truthfully I was surprised that some of your words actualy hurt me but then I saw that it's just the truth that I don't want to see. Truth hurts.
Much love to all of you and I'll write some more of my development.

[specialmom]

Hi.  In an abusive and controlling relationship . . .there is a reason those two people have found each other.  I agree wholeheartedly that not every woman would stay for that.  It is actually a studied pattern of abusers and abused.  There is a way that they fit together and became a pair.  

Your side that is emotionally healthy knows better and has allowed you to find your voice and speak up.  You do not want to live that way.  I think this is brave of you.

My recommendation is to start some type of therapy right away.  You should explore how you ended up with this type of man to be sure that you break all patterns for the next relationship you enter.  

But do not feel you are alone.  Many woman leave bad men-----------  you've done the best thing for yourself.  And men who control like your ex boyfriend can escalate over time into physical abuse.  At the very least, the controlling gets even worse.  You got out and my strongest hope for you is that you STAY out.  Loneliness is much better than living with an abusive partner.

Can you reconnect with your family?  Please try.  Your friends too.  Perhaps a support group---------  call a woman's shelter and ask for references.  And please consider counseling.  good luck and stay strong!!

[AHP84]

I have been in a similar situation in my past. Like Teko said, oftentimes the onset of emotional abuse and control is gradual and you don't recognize it happening until you're in so deep that you have no clue how to get out. But there is hope and a way out--if I did it (and Teko), then you can too.
First of all, you NEED to get someone involved who you trust, such as your parents or a church pastor/counselor immediately, and be completely truthful; don't withhold anything about your situation thinking they won't understand, or downplay your story of your life. You have described in your post that you recognize the abuse and want out, but at the same time, you defend his "good" behavior and have an emotional bond with him because he's all you think you have--this is called Stockholm syndrome and you need psychiatric intervention to cope with this, along with your anxiety. You cannot overcome these problems in your own strength right now; you NEED help and in order to get the full benefit of help, you need to tell the whole story and not withhold any truth.
Secondly, once you are in a safe place, AWAY from this jerk (preferably your parents' home), you need to get a restraining order against him because he has made verbal and physical threats to you.
Thirdly, you need to tell yourself that it's okay for you to set boundaries in your life to keep him out--he's a grown, adult man and he can take care of himself. Forget this fear of seeing him on the street. He can fend for and take care of himself as an adult. He is capable of making his own decisions. If he begins to guilt you with threats against himself ("if you don't take me back, I can't live without you. I will kill myself")--trust me, he is bluffing. I have lived through this. He will not kill himself and he will not be homeless on the street. He's too much of an insecure coward to do that to himself, okay? Let me say this again, because I have a strong feeling he will behave this way towards you if you set boundaries--*he WILL NOT kill himself*. I cannot tell you how many times that tactic worked on me for years with my ex. With a lot of family/friend intervention (after breaking the relationship with him) and psychological professional counsel, I wised up. The last time he begged me in hysterics of sobs to take him back because he had a gun in the room with him and he'd kill himself if I didn't, I was strong enough to say NO without fear or anxiety, and told him that if he did that to himself, it wouldn't be my problem, but his choice. Did he do it? Nope. To this day, he's fine and healthy and still a pain in my butt because we share a child together, so I still have to deal with his nonsense from time to time.
Next, do not hesitate to call authorities if he breaks the restraining order, and please, for the love of all things holy, DO NOT be afraid to press charges against him. Be tough and do it. Send him to jail--he'll get the message. I sent my ex to jail about three or four times, and the last time I had to do it, he was so beligerant that the cops tazered him a few times. Did he take me seriously after that? You bet he did. If I ever told him, back off or I'm calling the cops, he did. He hasn't pushed me to the point of calling the cops ever since then, nor have I had him sent back to jail since then.
Within a few months or so, you'll start regaining your strength. Eventually, you'll look back on this time and be grateful it's over and that you built the strength to end it. It'll be the best thing you've ever done, and you'll be able to move on into healthy relationships. I did. Today, I'm married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen and spoils me rotten and has basically adopted my son. We also have our own baby together now. I couldn't be happpier with my life. You have this hope too. If I could do it, anyone can.
You just need to start by gathering what little bit of strength you have now and finding someone to confide in, tell them the whole truth, get away from that guy, file for a restraining order, and get an appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist to get much needed help for your anxiety and Stockholm syndrome.
You CAN do it.
Best wishes to you, and please keep us updated. We are here to help you in whatever way we can.

[teko]

I have been in a similar situation, and I am a very strong woman so if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. This is something that is a gradual onset and sometimes you cannot see it coming. Here is the problem, once you see it you must act and not tolerate or enable the situation. He has got you so beaten down and convinced of your lack of worth that you will cling to him like nobodys business. He is sick and so are you. You cannot heal this arsehole and he can not heal you. First of all you confide in your parents, secondly get yourself to a doctor for some emotional help and probably some anti anxiety meds, thirdly relocate yourself and do not make yourself available by phone or otherwise, and if he makes contact get a restraining order to keep him away. Can you do this? No because you are emotionally broken and if no intervention takes place you will return to what is normal feeling to you. Go to your parents and hopefully your mother will help you. The feelings of fear of harm tell me this jerk has done a thorough job on you. You need to get mad and get gone from this life or you will die in it. That simple.

[perch101]

RockRose has hit the nail on the head and given you excellent advice.

And, this guy has done you a HUGE favour by getting out of your life.

I also have never been in this situation - but that’s because I'd never allow myself to be treated like this, even for one minute. One sign of this behaviour and I'd be out the door. (I was actually seeing a guy who early on pulled the 'are you wearing that out - It's kinda revealing and guys will be looking at you' - I didn't continue the relationship and broke off with him.)

You only live once - why do you want to live like this?? This guy is a loser. Sorry to sound so harsh, but a guy who feels he needs to control his girlfriend that much due to his own insecurities IS a loser).  He's done you a huge favour by leaving. Spend some time on your own getting to know yourself and be independent for a bit. Then in the future when the times right you'll meet someone - but if he shows even one sign of this controlling behaviour - show him the door.

I can tell by your post you're a bit scared of what this guys next move will be. If he threatens you in ANY way - get a restraining order. If he doesn’t want a criminal record, he'll probably honour it. If you're really scared - move in with your parents for a bit, and have friends or acquaintance that you trust walk you to your car.

Your life will be so much better without this guy in it - as you said yourself he's given you an anxiety disorder.

Good luck.

[RockRose]

I haven't been through this either,  and honestly,  I don't think you would be best served by women who have been in your situation.

I think you will be best served by healthy women who wouldn't allow their lives to become this hell.

Most women won't allow this to kind of relationship - it doesn't just "happen to anyone".  There was some need you had,  some inability to draw back when he became abusive,  that most women don't experience.  Most women would have been gone a long time ago,  good riddance,  get out of here bud.

That's what you need to figure out,  for yourself,  for your healing.  Why you were willing to stay in this relationship and still are unwilling to leave.  Someone in your past (before your boyfriend) gave you the mindset that you aren't capable of running your life or worthy of attracting a normal partner.  You need to go back to THAT experience,  the relationship in your childhood that told you you are too weak and unworthy to run your own life,  and unable to attract and hold a healthy man,  to understand why you are in this situation right now.  

Best wishes.

[Katona1700s]

I havent been through abuse, or at least not from my boyfriend. Dont be afraid of him, if you show fear then he knows he has control over you. Ask yourself "What is my name?" and you answer. It helps. Think about all the good things you've done with your own life (skills and stuff). I went through a little "seperation" problem, or "miss him" when i didnt see him once a day. But i forced myself to put space between my bf and i, made friends, spent time with family and things worked out. If just chilling with people doesnt work, then go out. Go to the movies with family, park, or just do some home activities.
If you want a friend, im here! Although, most people dont like teenagers for friends...i admit we can get annoying sometimes.
<3 Katona1700s