anyone have success story for spouse's porn addiction?

[jazzyben]

Does anyone have any success stories regarding porn/ masturbation issues with their spouse?? I am ready to bail and i really could use some positive words. I love him and I know he wants to stop but gets frustrated and caves. I am getting so tired of it all tho. I told him last night that I wanted to postpone our wedding and he was very upset- I'm not sure what will happen from here.

[Lentini]

Yes I did.   I don't think I over-reacted at all.  Every time I left the house, he engaged into looking, writing to women, and putting himself on porn sites to solicit a cyber or possibly real solicitation.  In counseling sessions he became verbally abusive towards me for "finding out his secret."  He had abandonment issues with his mother, so he objectified and abused women to feel a sense of power to overcome his sense of esteem.  So this is a bit more information for you to reassess your judgment of me.  

If you feel rejected by women, are you approaching them as a potential sexual conquest?  Most healthy-minded attractive women would reject you, as they want honest communication, love and a sense of being protected.  They don't want to become a conquest, they want a partner. Try approaching a woman as a friend and someone you admire, and in time, they would accept you on an intimate level in time.  You don't have to resort to the omnipresence of porn to feel loved.  

[abester]

Hopefully no other guy has to suffer ur over-reacting ways ever again. You seriously divorced your husband because of porn ?....Think about that for a second. Not because he cheated on you. Not because he abused you. Because he watched porn. Over-reacted much? I wasn't there so maybe there were (at least I certainly hope there were) other reasons for this. Also don't pretend like you know how males work. Most guys out there currently do or have watched porn throughout their life time. It can certainly be addicting, but it certainly isn't do to any lack of love as a child or low self esteem. Its because of the concept. All day long guys walk around looking at woman and possibly attempting to make a move only to get a slight look back, a head nod, but most of the time with the snobby uptight girls here in the US (speaking in general terms, I know this isn't everyone), they simply ignore you. Then you get home and there is tons of porn on the net where you can see girls who are probably 5 times hotter than the ones you were just ignored by getting naked and having sex. Its like getting a free peek, and more. This is a male's perspective. I tried to be as open and blunt as I could without being offensive...but I probably was. Either way this is something you probably don't want to hear.

[Lentini]

I've known two people who have had porn addictions (my husband and a boyfriend). This addiction, which only worsens in time, isolates the addict from his family and lover.  It is not a "man's thing" as much as the result of that man (or, in lesser cases) a woman who did not feel love as a child.  Porn is a way to feel in control and accepted by a "partner" who will not judge you.  It is a coping mechanism for men of low self esteem, and women who do not stand up to this addiction (and ask for serious counseling for him) or leave this person, are deemed as "codependents" (the reciprocal partner who also feels low esteem). Quite often, addicts and codependents are products of parents who have ignored or abandoned both types of addicts.  

As a personal survivor twice, I was at first confused by my husband's actions and thought it was my fault.  I actually experienced a kind of grieving process as those who lose people to death.  In this type of addiction, which is compared to being as worse as a heroin addiction, the neglected partner does feel as though they have "lost" their partners, much like the experience of death.  Yet, there is no closure, as the cycles of promises and lies to change this addictive pattern repeat themselves over and over.  For those women who are determined to stay in a relationship like this, you should look into a program called COSA which is for codependents of addicts and use a paradigm of a twelve step program much like AA.

As for me, it took me two years---inclusive of attempts at marriage counseling---to realize that this addiction carried far more importance than my feelings. I, teary-eyed and demeaned, just like the rest of you, filed for a divorce and suffered much verbal abuse which was another proof of his denial and pain. When I recently realized my boyfriend had this disease as well, I read the book "Out of the Shadows' by Dr. Patrick Carnes, which put this addictive behavior in clear terms.  I remained to try to help him for nearly two years, and when I realized he was pretending to get help while not giving up porn, I got out of the relationship as well.  

As women, we need to understand why we got in these relationships in the first place.  Did your father give you the love you need?  If not, you need to go to counseling to understand yourself and retrain your brains to understand, and hence, accept what it normal and healthy love for you.  We are victims of a patriarchal and "male gaze" visual literacy culture, which forces women to objectify themselves in order to be loved.  Don't do it with plastic surgery or otherwise.  Pornography is for the male gaze, and for women, it's a behavioral lesson in how to act like a porn star (most of whom were abused as children and feel unloved as well).  Get smart, look at this sad phenomenon as just that, a non-healthy way for humans to show love towards one another.  Get smarter, refuse to participate.

[abester]

Its interesting to see a woman's perspective on this situation. I think not talking to your husband about the porn is a bad move. Personally, I myself look at porn and part of the reason is because it helps me last longer in bed. My current girlfriend is gorgeous and I wouldn't choose any of the stupid slutty airheads in porn to her. I'm sure your husband feels the same way. Most guys watch porn to masturbate, because there is no effort involved, and its a safe easy way to pleasure yourself, without having to worry about satisfying a partner. He was probably embarrassed when you saw the picture on his computer and is too ashamed to approach you about it.  You have to take the initiative and talk o him. Also about the sex drive thing....You most certainly can have an orgasm during sex if you can have one with oral sex, so if you find sex "boring" there is definitely something your husband is doing wrong. Its up to you two to find out what that is, and if not, go to a sex counselor. I also understand that you two don't have sex very often. I speak for every man when I say the more sex the better. TELL HIM that he should take the initiative more. I am sure he would like more sex. He probably won't take the initiative because hes to afraid of being rejected, and feels insecure about his "condition". I'm sure its not made any better by the fact that he can't seem to satisfy you in bed. One more thing: LOOKING AT PORN IS NOT CHEATING!! I have no idea why woman view this as cheating but it certainly is not. How can I be so sure it isn't? He isn't bringing home any diseases, he isn't kissing another woman, and you aren't leaving him. I'm sure if it really was cheating you would divorce him. Take my advice and seek a sex counselor....It will save your marriage.

[mami1323]

I think you need to seek counseling asap.  I understand going through emotional turmoil, I have been there and done that but no where in all my drama did I ever think that it was worth taking my own life.  He isn't worth myself respect and my self dignity.  You need to find some strength somewhere deep down inside and go get yourself some help.  As far as the women who are in porn.  Well they make their own decisions in life and don't feel like they are being degrated, so you need to focus on yourself here and not worry about those women.  

[Judy246]

Value and respect life, because it is a precious gift and it is not yours take!  Porn bring in an evil to life and marriage. For people who have become addicted to it, it will eventually catchup to you and it has a force that in the long run be destructive.

Healing begins when we not accept this behavior and if necessary seek a conselor, but when someone is contemplating suicide over porn, it means that do not have the necessary coping skills to move out of this and forward with their life.

Counseling will help, but suicide is the cowardly way out and not the answer and it doesn't mean that the suffering will end there.