Aa
appropriate father daughter boundaries
i am dating a man who has a 13 yr old daughter. he has always been close with her as the mother was emotionally absent. i am the first person he has had a relationship with that he introduced to his daughter. i am concerned because while she seems to like me and we get along. I feel as though she trys to compete for his attention. she through a fit wen she found out he was dating. and would call me HER like a jeolous gf. when i am there she will climb all over him while we are sitting together. she straddles him and lays across him. she even jumped in our bed one time while i was getting ready for bed. she also will call him at crazy hours and tell him she has innappropriate thoughts....like having sex with him... she says things that are shocking. when she doesnt get her way she acts out. he gives her plenty of attention and spends time with his daughter....my concern is the mother i believe had innapropriate relationship with her father and the pattern seems to be the same with his daughter. he has tried to set boundaries but is afraid she will resent me.. she is physically mature and he has explained this to her on several ocassions. She has a therapist but he has not brought this up to the therapist. i am concerned that as she gets older she will use her sexuality to gain a boys attention. she even dresses like me. she gets angry on the rare occasion that he and i go out on a date and will call and text him non stop when we r together. what gives? he has told me this makes him uncomfortable but when she doesnt get her way she guilts him
Hello!
If I can ask, how old are you and your BF? How long have you been dating and when in relation to that did you get introduced to his daughter and start coming around regularly? Does your BF have partial custody? How often is she with him and do you live with him also? Do you have any children, and does he have any other kids? (Sorry for all the questions, lol, just trying to get a better feel for the situation).
I think there are disturbing signs here that either she's SO desperate for his attention that she's willing to do and say very shocking things, or there is or was some kind of abuse going on.
Her telling you both that she has thoughts of having sex with him, asking him to shave his chest hair, and putting her phone down her pants saying "I dare you" are NOT acceptable things for her to be doing or saying.
From what you describe, it SOUNDS like your BF's reaction is pretty normal, that he's disturbed and concerned by her behavior (as he should be), but it sounds like he's not sure what to do, so as a result he isn't doing much of anything yet.
If indeed there is no abuse going on, the things she's saying and doing could land the adults around her in a BAD situation. She's already been bold enough to do those things, who's to say she won't make an outrageous accusation against her dad (or you) to either gain attention, or as a way to punish people? It happens.
I hate to say it, but I knew a few girls in Jr HS/HS who used to tell the guys they were dating that their fathers had sexually abused them (for attention), or that they were raped. It was sick, and that kind of thing, if heard by the wrong person, can land someone in a BAD situation. These girls admitted that these were lies to their friends. Kind of scary. I think those things (making up outrageous stories) are more common in children of that age than people want to think.
I think your husband maybe has been afraid to get tough with her, and I think that's exactly what he needs to do. He needs to set some serious boundaries, and explain very clearly that the things she has been doing and saying are NOT acceptable. He needs to be 100% honest with her that those kinds of things could EASILY be misconstrued by others and land him in some serious trouble. She needs to know there are potential consequences for that kind of thing.
He then needs to make sure he is spending enough time with her, making sure she knows that she's #1 and always will be, despite if he is dating or getting remarried. Of course it's normal for a child to feel threatened and jealous when a new partner enters the picture. ALL of the adults in that child's life need to be sure they are reassuring the child and making them understand that just because Mom or Dad finds a new partner, doesn't mean that takes away from the love they feel for that child.
I think she's old enough for you to maybe sit her down and have a girl talk also. Just be gentle, tell her that you're very glad to be getting to know her better, and that you respect her relationship with dad. Come right out and say that you would never try to vie for his attention, or take him away from her, and be sure to acknowledge that she is justified in feeling a little jealous or territorial with you being around more now. Tell her you're interested in cultivating their father-daughter relationship however you can, and that you would like to have your own relationship with her. Mention that you would like to have a girl's day out with her, and offer to take her somewhere she would enjoy. Then, occasionally, make a gesture like buying 2 tickets for just THEM to go to a movie, or a play, something they can do together....a little "daddy-daughter time", on you! I think gestures and actions make a much bigger impact than just words.
All of this advice is given under the assumption that indeed there is nothing going on where your BF may be abusing her in some way. I'm not at all saying he is (and just from what you've written I don't get that feeling), but it's certainly something to keep in the back of your mind, her behavior is pretty shocking and not unlike something you would see in a sexually abused child. Obviously, it goes without saying that if there are signs or concerns about something like going on, you would need to report it immediately. JUST throwing that in there, kind of a disclaimer.
I think this situation can be handled with some kid gloves and some reassurance, and most importantly, some firm boundaries and limit setting from Dad (has to come from him). She's looking for ANY kind of attention, good or bad. Your BF (and the other adults in her life) need to learn to be reactive only to the good, desirable behaviors. When she's acting out or saying inappropriate things, it needs to be shut down, but not made a huge deal of, or it's reinforcing that she's getting attention for it, and for a child seeking ANY attention, it won't matter to them which kind it is.
I certainly hope things can improve. Most definitely continue therapy, and if her dad doesn't think the therapist is doing enough, find another. I think family therapy would be helpful too...maybe with her and her mom and dad, with you sitting in on a session from time to time with her (or her and Dad). I cannot stress the importance of keeping that resource, and utilizing it as much as possible to help you all through this transition. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist yourself if you need to, to help you work through this, and get some ideas.
Good luck!
If I can ask, how old are you and your BF? How long have you been dating and when in relation to that did you get introduced to his daughter and start coming around regularly? Does your BF have partial custody? How often is she with him and do you live with him also? Do you have any children, and does he have any other kids? (Sorry for all the questions, lol, just trying to get a better feel for the situation).
I think there are disturbing signs here that either she's SO desperate for his attention that she's willing to do and say very shocking things, or there is or was some kind of abuse going on.
Her telling you both that she has thoughts of having sex with him, asking him to shave his chest hair, and putting her phone down her pants saying "I dare you" are NOT acceptable things for her to be doing or saying.
From what you describe, it SOUNDS like your BF's reaction is pretty normal, that he's disturbed and concerned by her behavior (as he should be), but it sounds like he's not sure what to do, so as a result he isn't doing much of anything yet.
If indeed there is no abuse going on, the things she's saying and doing could land the adults around her in a BAD situation. She's already been bold enough to do those things, who's to say she won't make an outrageous accusation against her dad (or you) to either gain attention, or as a way to punish people? It happens.
I hate to say it, but I knew a few girls in Jr HS/HS who used to tell the guys they were dating that their fathers had sexually abused them (for attention), or that they were raped. It was sick, and that kind of thing, if heard by the wrong person, can land someone in a BAD situation. These girls admitted that these were lies to their friends. Kind of scary. I think those things (making up outrageous stories) are more common in children of that age than people want to think.
I think your husband maybe has been afraid to get tough with her, and I think that's exactly what he needs to do. He needs to set some serious boundaries, and explain very clearly that the things she has been doing and saying are NOT acceptable. He needs to be 100% honest with her that those kinds of things could EASILY be misconstrued by others and land him in some serious trouble. She needs to know there are potential consequences for that kind of thing.
He then needs to make sure he is spending enough time with her, making sure she knows that she's #1 and always will be, despite if he is dating or getting remarried. Of course it's normal for a child to feel threatened and jealous when a new partner enters the picture. ALL of the adults in that child's life need to be sure they are reassuring the child and making them understand that just because Mom or Dad finds a new partner, doesn't mean that takes away from the love they feel for that child.
I think she's old enough for you to maybe sit her down and have a girl talk also. Just be gentle, tell her that you're very glad to be getting to know her better, and that you respect her relationship with dad. Come right out and say that you would never try to vie for his attention, or take him away from her, and be sure to acknowledge that she is justified in feeling a little jealous or territorial with you being around more now. Tell her you're interested in cultivating their father-daughter relationship however you can, and that you would like to have your own relationship with her. Mention that you would like to have a girl's day out with her, and offer to take her somewhere she would enjoy. Then, occasionally, make a gesture like buying 2 tickets for just THEM to go to a movie, or a play, something they can do together....a little "daddy-daughter time", on you! I think gestures and actions make a much bigger impact than just words.
All of this advice is given under the assumption that indeed there is nothing going on where your BF may be abusing her in some way. I'm not at all saying he is (and just from what you've written I don't get that feeling), but it's certainly something to keep in the back of your mind, her behavior is pretty shocking and not unlike something you would see in a sexually abused child. Obviously, it goes without saying that if there are signs or concerns about something like going on, you would need to report it immediately. JUST throwing that in there, kind of a disclaimer.
I think this situation can be handled with some kid gloves and some reassurance, and most importantly, some firm boundaries and limit setting from Dad (has to come from him). She's looking for ANY kind of attention, good or bad. Your BF (and the other adults in her life) need to learn to be reactive only to the good, desirable behaviors. When she's acting out or saying inappropriate things, it needs to be shut down, but not made a huge deal of, or it's reinforcing that she's getting attention for it, and for a child seeking ANY attention, it won't matter to them which kind it is.
I certainly hope things can improve. Most definitely continue therapy, and if her dad doesn't think the therapist is doing enough, find another. I think family therapy would be helpful too...maybe with her and her mom and dad, with you sitting in on a session from time to time with her (or her and Dad). I cannot stress the importance of keeping that resource, and utilizing it as much as possible to help you all through this transition. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist yourself if you need to, to help you work through this, and get some ideas.
Good luck!
Well I think one thing that is pretty clear here is that she resents another woman (you) taking up any of the time that she perceives in her immature mind as being hers with her dad. She doesn't like it and she is acting out because she doesn't have the mental capacity to see the big picture.
This is why I don't get involved with men who already have kids. It's way too much of a hassle, as you can see. Unless the guy was like totally awesome and perfect in every possible way, but even then having this huge problem would put me off right quick.
The bottom line is that they're a package deal. That's how it works with single dads. If you choose to date him, she will always be a factor, always and forever. Personally I think all of this sounds like way more trouble than it's worth for a pretty uncertain future. I would rethink whether he's the right person to be with since he can't seem to take control of the situation and resolve it somehow.
This is why I don't get involved with men who already have kids. It's way too much of a hassle, as you can see. Unless the guy was like totally awesome and perfect in every possible way, but even then having this huge problem would put me off right quick.
The bottom line is that they're a package deal. That's how it works with single dads. If you choose to date him, she will always be a factor, always and forever. Personally I think all of this sounds like way more trouble than it's worth for a pretty uncertain future. I would rethink whether he's the right person to be with since he can't seem to take control of the situation and resolve it somehow.
thank you... I am aware of the package deal and i have been in her life as well as he in my childrens lives for quite some time. Innappropriate behavior on the moms part with her dad....well she has a "tatoo on her private parts that says daddy...the kids all get along well and her mom is in picture with shared custody... this guy and his daughter are keepers...and he is in agreement on the boundary issues. we are working on it together and work hard to reassure her. i guess he and i r just trying to figure out how to draw the line with her without her feeling put aside...because we both love her. Shes a good kid whose dealt with alot of crap. i dont believe on giving up on people i love
I don't know that anything 'odd' is going on here but I do think She doesn't want to "share" Her Daddy - Very typical when Mommy and Daddy don't live together. Yes, She feels in competion with You for His attention(typical) and She may be taking it to a sexual level 'cuz She realizes You appeal to Him sexually.
That being said, if I were You, I would choose not to take this on. She may forever see You as interference. This is a huge Red Flag. You don't "just" marry the Man but You "marry" the Family as well, most especially the prior Children. If this IS a "troubled" Girl, You must remember She is forever His Daughter and She's part of the package.
Good Luck
That being said, if I were You, I would choose not to take this on. She may forever see You as interference. This is a huge Red Flag. You don't "just" marry the Man but You "marry" the Family as well, most especially the prior Children. If this IS a "troubled" Girl, You must remember She is forever His Daughter and She's part of the package.
Good Luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, here is the deal. She and her father have a special relationship. I feel badly for the girl because she is clearly clinging to her only parent. (real parent). That is really quite sad if you think about it. My hope would be that she feels less threatened in the future that you won't disrupt her time/relationship with her dad. Or that you could even play positive role in her life.
So, obviously it is really really troubling that she says things like she thinks about having sex with him. That the then tells you is also a bit disturbing. What does HE say about this? I do think that is extreme. I agree.
Anyway, the only thing you can do is talk to him. See if he agrees but remember, he loves his child. She does and should always be his number ONE priority. She came before you and she really only has him it sounds like. He will need to be the one to see that a boundary needs to be put in place and he is the one who will have to set it up and enforce it. Your role is confidant to him behind closed doors as well as just a friendly, supportive person to her.
BTW, I find it kind of odd that you say that the mother had an inappropriate relationship with her own father. You do realize who is in control of those situations, right? THE PARENT. so, if it is repeating, take a hard look at your boyfriend.
In fact, I'll just say it. If you find this daughter trouble, I encourage you to consider that this might not be the best relationship for you. I don't think it is easy to come into a situation of a step child and especially one that might have some emotional issues due to poor parenting on one or both parents part. Not every person we date are we supposed to end up with permanently and it is good to realize this. We should walk away from people when things in their life will aggravate us greatly. That is what dating is for. To discern if someone is a good match or not. This guy and his daughter (they are a package) may not be a good match for you.
good luck
So, obviously it is really really troubling that she says things like she thinks about having sex with him. That the then tells you is also a bit disturbing. What does HE say about this? I do think that is extreme. I agree.
Anyway, the only thing you can do is talk to him. See if he agrees but remember, he loves his child. She does and should always be his number ONE priority. She came before you and she really only has him it sounds like. He will need to be the one to see that a boundary needs to be put in place and he is the one who will have to set it up and enforce it. Your role is confidant to him behind closed doors as well as just a friendly, supportive person to her.
BTW, I find it kind of odd that you say that the mother had an inappropriate relationship with her own father. You do realize who is in control of those situations, right? THE PARENT. so, if it is repeating, take a hard look at your boyfriend.
In fact, I'll just say it. If you find this daughter trouble, I encourage you to consider that this might not be the best relationship for you. I don't think it is easy to come into a situation of a step child and especially one that might have some emotional issues due to poor parenting on one or both parents part. Not every person we date are we supposed to end up with permanently and it is good to realize this. We should walk away from people when things in their life will aggravate us greatly. That is what dating is for. To discern if someone is a good match or not. This guy and his daughter (they are a package) may not be a good match for you.
good luck
thank you. I think my concern stems from the fact that her comments have ranged and seem to escalate.. she tells him these things over the phone wen she is at her moms...so i believe she feels left out wen she is not with us. as i said her and i have probably a better relationship than her and her mom and i do feel she is torn. My problem is that her behaviors are not things learned from watching her dad and i... for example she will climb on him and straddle him, or climb on him when there is a full open couch to sit on. she will tell him to shave or "manscape" his chest hair. once he asked her for her phone so she would go to bed because she will stay up all night online and she put it down her pants and said i dare you...wen he walks away she tells him you dont love me. Is this something she will outgrow? The therapist i dont think knows everything but seems to feel based on meeting the mom and knowing the moms history that this is learned behavior
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