best friends relationship is a problem for all!

[jparish04]

My best friend has been married for about 2 years now.  Both her and her husband are in their mid 20's.  They have 2 kids, and he is divorced.  He is also a complete axx!!!  He left her when she was 5 months pregnant with their second child for a 19 year old girl who lived at home with her parents!  They actually lived together.  I get sick just thinking about it.  Anyway, she takes him back.  He has been cheating in one form or another ever since.  Mainly through the internet. I don't think he has done anything physical with anyone, but secret emails and phone calls are just as bad if you ask me.  Now, it's her marriage, not mine and I understand that, so like a good friend, I listen.  When they have a good week, I'm happy with her, when they have a bad week, I'm angry with her.  Now he has started getting physical with her.  I HATE THIS "MAN"!  I have gotten to the point where I have told her "leave him, what is it going to take for you to wake up?"  Our husbands work together, and it's nice to do the whole couple thing, or get our kids together, but this man makes me sick!  Would I be out of line to confront him?  I don't want to hurt our friendship, and I want her to confide in me, but enough is enough.  Anyone have a similar situation?  

[jojo24]

I agree with all of the other posters.  I don't want to say stay out of it, but stay out of it.  My best friend was going through the exact same thing and I absolutely HATE her husband with a passion.  He is rude, obnoxious, abusive, mean, degrating, etc.  A real douche.  But my best friend and I have always had an unwritten policy ever since high school that we don't offer up our opinions unless asked.  She never asked me for my opinion on her husband, but she was alway b*tching about what he did to her.  As much as it killed me inside to not say anything, I knew that she didn't want to hear it, 1. Because she already knew what kind of guy he was, she just wasn't ready to give up on him, and 2. Because she doesn't like being told what to do and she doesn't want anyone in her face saying "I told you so."  Besides, I knew she would come around anyway.  But I ALWAYS let her know I was there for her no matter what and whatever decision she made (no matter how much I thought it was wrong) I supported it because I love her and she's my best friend.  And anyway, it's her life, not mine, and whatever decisions she makes with HER LIFE don't affect me.  They affect her.  And she finally wised up and left him like I knew she would.  Your friend is not stupid, and she knows what's going on.  There's this thing we call love that makes us ignore others' faults, but eventually when the infatuation part goes away, we see things for what they really are.  She'll come around.

[PJ565]

I too was married to someone controling and abusive, mentally, emotionally and physically.  I had friends that were there to listen and they did their best to convince me to leave long before I did.  Unfortunetely for me it took ending up badly beaten in the emergency room to make a decision.  My husband did not want me talking to my close friends about our marriage and if one of them had even let on that I said anything or if they had said something to him I would have paid a price for it.  Just be there, listen, try to offer help and encouragement.  Is there a Woman's Crisis center where you live?  I was fortunate to have counseling through the one in my area.  Your friend will reach her limit one day and when she does also be there to help break the cycle. I am re-married now to a very wonderful loving man who treats me with great respect and love.  It took me taking time just for me and evaluating things and learning what red flags are.  The physical scars heal, but the emotional ones sometimes don't mend as easily.
Best of luck.  

[misscloey]

Sorry for your situation. As a friend I know it hurts like hell and makes you soooooo mad to watch this take place. But, the best thing you can do is mind your own business, as hard as it may be. I am not saying you have to tolerate him or his behavior(especially in your home or around your children) but you need to let your friend know that you will alwyas be there for her, and if she asks for your advice give it in truth, no point in beating around the bush, she asked. She will not do anything about this until SHE is ready. I have seen it so many times unfortunately. Just be her friend and sit on the sidelines for now. If the abuse escalates to physical violence towards her or especially her children I would have NO PROBLEM telling her that you have every intention of intervening, if she wont. Best of luck.  

[pertykitty]

you know my sis is like this. she complains and complains about her dh one week, ready to leave, then will praise him as though he is god because he cleaned the kitchen floor. i get tired of hearing about it like you do! really i guess you have  a few choices, but confronting him is not one of them. you can stand by her side and listen with a loving ear. biting your tongue and being a "friend". or you can tell her to make up her mind. give her the strength to see she doesnt need him to take care of her. maybe its financial why she doesnt leave, or she is one of those women who believe they did something to deserve this treatment, or they stay for the kids (worst reason ever!!)> only you can decide which is the right way to go. i think if it was a friend i was that close to, id tell her she needs to get herself and the kids to a safe place, you say he is getting physical with her. its sad that she will subject the kids to that. trust me they know what is going on. just because they are in their rooms and you think they are sleeping, they know. and staying in this role as the "abused" wife, she will create problems with the kids in their future relationships. keep us posted here, i am curious how this turns out. maybe bip can give her some encouragement!!

[shadowsting]

As a best friend I would suggest you stay supportive of whatever decision she makes. I have the same problem with my sisters husband. Unfortunaly the more you harp on him the more she will defend him and untimaly you'll lose a friend. I would also put a stop to the couples activities and if he is such a bad influence I wouldn't have him around your kids. Make this clear to her. The kids can still play but not if he is around. You two can chat but you won't put up with him. Your there for her but he is not welcome and this is why. Make sure you put it in a polite way but firm. Don't call him names but site examples of behavior you disapprove of and let her come to her own senses. You can't think for her you can just love her through the process and if he is being physically abusive to the kids you should call the police and let them handle it.

[mami1323]

I don't think that it is your place to confront him.  Even though I know exactly where you're coming from.  I hated one of my friend's boyfriends.  He would verbally and mentally abuse her and I would constantly tell her to leave him.  Eventually she did it on her own and appreciated the support that I gave her.  It really is up to your friend to make the change in her relationship, whether it be stay or leave.  No matter what you say to him, it has to come from her.  She may also resent you for getting involved.  You don't want to jeopardize your relationship by stepping out of your bounds.  As much as you want to I'm sure.  The best thing to do is be there for her as much as you can.  She has to get the strength to leave him.  Plus if you do confront him and she stays with him, it's basically wasting your breath.  Just be a good friend.

[jenstam]

I was in an abusive marriage for years before I left. I had friends and family that I would vent to, one week he was a mean, angry and abusive man and I didn't think I could tolerate it any longer and the next he was a wonderful man. I would cry to my Mom, friends, coworkers. Most of them got tired of it and quit listening, telling me they just couldn't listen anymore if I was going to stay. I was sick too, in a different way because I was caught in a cycle of abuse, power, control. I had one friend out of all of them that listened through all of it. I respect her so much for being there for me and not telling me what to do. I found out years after he and I split that she would go to her family and friends and just want to scream because she couldn't stand how badly my girls and I were being treated but never once did she tell me that. She was given some good advice by them-just listen. But I left when I was ready and not a minute sooner. My Mother, friends, coworkers...none of them telling me to leave was enough. As sad and hard as it is to see a friend live this way, please try to listen and support her and not tell her what to do. I know it's so hard. It was the hardest thing my friend could do but she was there for me through it all. Good luck. I hope she chooses to get out soon. And of course, if she or the kids are in danger, take matters into your own hands and contact someone to intervene. But let your friend know you are doing it.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I agree, stay out of it.  Listen and be supportive.  Hopefully she will see the light and she will need you then.

[jparish04]

lol, I figured everyone would suggest to stay out of it!  It's just that I've been listening and giving advice for nearly 2 years now...on the same thing...her crappy husband!  Part of me wants to tell her that I don't want to hear about it anymore because it just makes it that more difficult to tolerate this person.  You know how certain people air out their dirty laundry all the time, then wonder why everyone has an opinion on what they should do?  This is her!  I'm just fed up I guess.  

[koukla29]

I agree it's not your place to confront him - it will not help her, and instead could create a lot more problems.  Women who are in abusive situations are victims of a pattern within their relationship that makes it very difficult for them to understand how abnormal their relationship truly is.  Check out this sites to get more information on the cycle of abuse:

http://www.safehome-ks.org/abuse/edu/dviolence/cycle.htm
http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/cycle.php

The only thing you can do is keep the door open.  Let her know that you are willing to help her get out of her situation.  When she is upset again, sit down and help her come up with a emergency plan.    You can also look up the local women's shelter number for her.  They usually have free counseling and can offer her and her children servies including shelter, cell phone, and counseling services.  However, you can only do so much because it has to be her choice to leave the relationship.  Best of luck to your friend - and to you for standing by her side.  

[confused1031]

i know exactly how you feel, as a matter of fact my friend called me last night hysterical that she had caught her boyfriend that she lives with in bed with her best friend, oh and also by the way he beats the **** out of her everynight, everytime i see her she has black eyes and bruises its so sad. she won't leave him she says she loves him, it hurts me so bad to see all of this happening to her but she wont wake up! i have reached my end with her i think it is a lost cause, i told her i will be there for her always because i am her friend but i will no longer give her advice because she knows what it will be. even me telling her she is going to wake up dead one day from this boy(not man) she still wont leave for good! So your friend has to make her own decisions i have learned that nothing anyone says will change her mind she has to be ready to make that decision. good luck!

[bip]

Ya, I would stay out of it but listen what they have to say.

[pertykitty]

if you do choose to be supportive and just listen, if she is being hit and abused, you must take action to convince her to get out. a best friend knows when to lend the ear, and when to give her the strength she needs. id rather **** my friend off and save her live (should he get that violent) then to have her be at peace with me and broken bones.