bun in the oven

[thenextRonaldinho]

I am turning 21 and have a baby on the way
this is no laghing matter let me tell you

abortion is out of the question..and i dont have a problem with that...the problem is money
she has no income..currently schooling..im currently in university..awaiting my time to study abroad coming this summer

im leaving for europe to persue an athletic dream (about 2 months before shes due.
heres the problem ..she wants me to give up something i've worked for my whole life..knowing its going to be extremtly tough on her alone.

at the same time i feel guilty thus debating a change in plans.
our relationship is heading down dramaticly spirtually..and if you did the math...you know we are not sexually active.
.shes developing a passionate Hate towards me..assuming im never gonna return

its coome down to if i leave ...were finished...and i dont want this..thus torn between the life with her here...or a career iv'e dreamed about for decades.

my question----what would you do.?

[thenextRonaldinho]

the last thing i would want to do is abandon her
i love her, i cant imagine my life with out her,forever that is, i actually believe i care for her more then she does me at this point.but i cant imagine my life with out football.(soccer if your north american)
here arre some tthings to consider;

she has many friends and support from her family
im going for one year(which i know is really harsh)
but its part of my program, if i dont go i wont graduate period
i already told my big brother to send her a fair amount of money every month or so untill i return

the actuall chance of becoming pro while having to study european studies as a back up plan is pretty daym hard..so there is a risk factor here..id say about 50 % chance
i kno if i could make it, money wont be a problem, and id come running back to her fatster then you can say BABY.

heres where my family and I see the problem about her >>>><<<<<
even if i wansn't persuing a dream i would need these credits over seas to graduate, she knows this, and yet still cant let me go without despising me
furthermore, shell be lonely for ten months..God knows what she'll do

lissen...i think i deserve to go...if not persue a dream..at least finish my school so i can come back and get a decent job to support the two of us
other then this option...i really dont see how WE would make it
i know my first priority is her and the little one cumming.
but if she can pull through for only one year, i know we can have a decent, normal life togeather...if she doesnt cheat on me that is..with some dude sub-consciously for support instead of love.

Thanks for the support and opinions...they are putting me in perspective

[waitingwithhope]

You hinted and mentioned more than once of the possibility of her cheating on you should you leave and go away for the year. And, in the tone of your post, it does not sound as if you are completely in love with her. It sounds like you feel that you made mistake by creating this baby, that you feel that the relationship is not on solid ground already (so why stay if it is not solid and a 100% for sure?) and that you are thinking there is a good chance that if you leave--she will find someone else to support her emotionally (does that mean you already know deep down you can't do this? or does this mean you don't trust her at all?)

A year is a long time to be away. If you leave, she most likely will feel hurt, rejected and that she and the baby were not worthy enough of your time and attention. While it sounds like you will support her financially, the mother of your child is probably more concerned right now about the possibility of raising a child alone, being a single mother and being the one to crawl out of bed every night for hours at a time to look after a baby you both created while tears roll down her cheeks because she misses you and is hopelessly alone and scared all by herself with this baby that reminds her of you every time she looks at him/her.

This baby is your legacy. Your child. Your flesh and blood. Your decisions now may alter the course of his/her life and the way he/she views you. Yes, your relationship may not last--I sense by the tone of your post that you sense it won't and that it is probably over with. However, you can't go back in time and recreate moments with your child- their first smile, first word and all the bonding that could go on--happens once. The longer you are gone and out of the picture, the more likely it is someone will step in and take your place. She will need someone--it is difficult to raise a child on your own. And are you comfortable with someone else being called daddy and not you and reaching their chubby baby arms into the air to be picked up and fathered by some other man?

You can be the hero in this situation. It sucks what is happening--but it is happening. I think I would suggest you still look into other options for staying. That does not mean saving the relationship. If it is gone, it is. But maybe you could coach? Maybe you can ask for them to hold off this for a year or more until you have more time to decide. Being a father is more than financial, it is more than a few brief appearances and he/she won't care as much that you are a great athlete. They will be proud you stayed by their side.

Please know that this woman can not raise a child on her own, even with family help, without this causing great strain and anxiety on her. You can walk away and leave, but she can't. A child is a lifelong commitment. I really hope you explore other options for staying around. If the relationship is not to be, be honest with her. But, for the sake of your child--the one who will have your eyes and who will reach for you when he/she takes his/her first steps--be there. Time can't go backwards....honor the commitment and you will see that life will reward you too in ways you didn't think possible.

[jenstam]

I honestly do not understand where you are coming from still. Maybe this doesn't seem real to you yet...I don't know. But you seem very selfish. MANY of us have had plans for our lives and our priorities changed once we had a child. If your football was SO important then you shouldn't have participated in unprotected sex. Period. I do not suggest running off to a different country now, unless the Mother of your unborn child is along with you and you are involved in the pregnancy and birth of your child together. Being a parent is the most unselfish role in the world if you take it seriously. There are people who take their responsibilities seriously when it comes to parenting and there are others who choose to continue to live their lives selfishly for themselves. I guess I don't even see why taking off when you have a child on the way is even an OPTION. But that is just my opinion. You seem to come up with lots of excuses as to why you need to leave, sounds like you're trying to convince yourself and others. Supporting your child financially is only a very small part of your responsibility. Your child will someday have his or own opinion of you. It's up to you to shape that opinion.

[PlateletGal]

Do you really want to miss the birth of your baby ?

[thenextRonaldinho]

obviously i dont want to miss the birth...

im going to assumm that ya'll are mothers who literally live for their children.
what about a perspective from a dude.

[RockRose]

There are a lot of things to consider here.  

Men who are in the military do exactly what you are hoping to do - they go off for a year,  because of career demands.  Men who are in med school when their wives or girlfriends accidentally become pregnant don't suddenly free up all their time,  they are basically absent.  

So I can see the perspective that you should continue your plans,  but can you do that while maintaining a family  commitment.   It seems like you have ENORMOUS plans,  and you have had those plans all along.

SO.  What kind of commitment do you have to her?    Would she feel differently if you married her,  and then went on to fulfill your other dreams?  

Is there a possibility she could come live with you after the baby is born?

I'm kind of curious how this pregnancy happened - (not the nitty gritty details,  obviously).  You seem very very focused,  and it's kind of hard to believe in this day with the morning after pill,  a pregnancy would be an accident like this for two educated people.  

I really sense your yearning to reach your very high goals,   and I hope somehow you are able to compromise and still not abandon your child.

Best wishes.