Aa
confused...?
i just found out im pregnant and im still a teenager. it was completley accident and protection was used. my family supports me completley and none of us believe in abortion/ adoption. my boyfriend on the other hand, the father, he is twenty one. he says hes too young for a child and that he wants to have nothing to do with the child. weve been together for a year and now hes telling me that hes not in love with me anymore and he doesnt want to see our child. im hurt. and i dont know what to do. my family and firends say that he just needs to get used to the idea but i dont know. i dont think he';ll ever except it. and i cant do this alone. before this happened he used to say that he would never leave me even if something like this were to happen and now that it has hes vanished. what do i do ?
I am all for father's rights--actually:)
RockRose--Thanks for your comments PM. I made up with BabyHardiman. It was the right thing to do. I was being an A$$. It happens sometimes.
RockRose--Thanks for your comments PM. I made up with BabyHardiman. It was the right thing to do. I was being an A$$. It happens sometimes.
In the reverse situation, I feel no differently. If the egg donor gives birth and then says, "I don't want the kid or anything to do with it. Let it's father take care of it," well then, why not if he wants to step up to the plate and take on all the duties? And the heck with the mother--she wants to walk away from her child and the father because of whatever reason, then what gives her the right to just drop into their lives whenever she feels like it, just because she says it's her child too, but other than having biological "rights" to the child, doesn't do anything to take responsibilities for it?
Now take out the biological "rights" and make her legally pursue them, it's a different story. She will have to put forth the effort to earn the money to have the biological rights officially and legally recognized. Then she will be obligated to provide child support, which she should. She will also get her court-appointed visitation with the child however it's legally worked out due to the situation. Not only is she now legally responsible for her own child by law and gets the visitation she wants, but she also sees the kind of effort and sacrifice it takes to gain those rights.
Is that horrible and dispicable? Not in my opinion.
Also, I'm not saying that the father or mother is disposable. What I'm saying is that the parents should face the consequences of their actions and be held responsible. It's their choice if they don't want to face the consequences or responsibilities and count *themselves* as disposable.
I'm all for parents being involved in their children's lives AND taking the responsibility of being a parent. I think both involvement and responsibility should be required, not just one. That's why when an uninvolved parent legally pursues biological rights to be recognized, the legal system provides this--involvement through visitation and responsibility through child support.
Now take out the biological "rights" and make her legally pursue them, it's a different story. She will have to put forth the effort to earn the money to have the biological rights officially and legally recognized. Then she will be obligated to provide child support, which she should. She will also get her court-appointed visitation with the child however it's legally worked out due to the situation. Not only is she now legally responsible for her own child by law and gets the visitation she wants, but she also sees the kind of effort and sacrifice it takes to gain those rights.
Is that horrible and dispicable? Not in my opinion.
Also, I'm not saying that the father or mother is disposable. What I'm saying is that the parents should face the consequences of their actions and be held responsible. It's their choice if they don't want to face the consequences or responsibilities and count *themselves* as disposable.
I'm all for parents being involved in their children's lives AND taking the responsibility of being a parent. I think both involvement and responsibility should be required, not just one. That's why when an uninvolved parent legally pursues biological rights to be recognized, the legal system provides this--involvement through visitation and responsibility through child support.
Reverse what you said and see what it sounds like to you.
Should just cut the mom out completely! The child doesn't need the egg donor and if she doesn't want to have anything to do with your child just go after the money and screw everything else!
After all children raised in single father homes usually grow up to be more stable and are more likely to go to college, and less likely to be juvenile delinquents. (double check the stats on this)
The true heart of the matter is that kids who have both birth parents are more likely even if those parents don't get along to be well adjusted (or as much as they can be.)
I do find one thing funny. Some of the same people are quick to ask on these relationship forums if the father has introduced girlfriends to their kids but some of the quickest to say men should be yanked out of a child's life.
Think about it. There is a very real reason why women are more likely to get involved with a partner, than men are, that will be physically abusive to the kids.
Then tie that into the fact that over 80% of women think that when they end a marriage the father is disposable? I think we have one very sick matriarchal society.
Should just cut the mom out completely! The child doesn't need the egg donor and if she doesn't want to have anything to do with your child just go after the money and screw everything else!
After all children raised in single father homes usually grow up to be more stable and are more likely to go to college, and less likely to be juvenile delinquents. (double check the stats on this)
The true heart of the matter is that kids who have both birth parents are more likely even if those parents don't get along to be well adjusted (or as much as they can be.)
I do find one thing funny. Some of the same people are quick to ask on these relationship forums if the father has introduced girlfriends to their kids but some of the quickest to say men should be yanked out of a child's life.
Think about it. There is a very real reason why women are more likely to get involved with a partner, than men are, that will be physically abusive to the kids.
Then tie that into the fact that over 80% of women think that when they end a marriage the father is disposable? I think we have one very sick matriarchal society.
I couldn't help it. I told her off on her posts on the maternal and child forum as well as the step-parenting forum.
If I get kicked off MedHelp--I don't care.
I just think it is an abuse of editing to take off a thread because someone is OFFENDED. I never used profanities or insulted her--she insulted me--
So I just told her off.
I actually feel so much better now:)
If I get kicked off MedHelp--I don't care.
I just think it is an abuse of editing to take off a thread because someone is OFFENDED. I never used profanities or insulted her--she insulted me--
So I just told her off.
I actually feel so much better now:)
BabyHardimon - in my opinion, no one is entitled to respect. It's not an entitlement.
People are free to give or withhold respect.
People are free to give or withhold respect.
Moral obligation is different than legal and financial--since you are unaware. If you don't think so--go read some court cases.
Go write some more posts about how your ex is doing everything wrong and how you are so wonderful.
If you are in a relationship where morality is not the focus then there is no liability.
Or can you not read my post?
You going to have this one removed too because you don't like my OPINION?
I really wish you would take your pregnant sensitivities and shove it in all the places you called me:)
If you are in a relationship where morality is not the focus then there is no liability.
Or can you not read my post?
You going to have this one removed too because you don't like my OPINION?
I really wish you would take your pregnant sensitivities and shove it in all the places you called me:)
The whole fact is, he is the father and he needs to financially support your child. He help make this child and now he must support it. I think you are very lucky that your family are supporting you alot of girls don't get that. Right now all you need to do is focus on you and your baby. What you decided to do about him can come after the baby arrives.
I agree fully with AJ. The boyfriend has clearly stated his intentions to remain uninvolved with the baby, and even his girlfriend. I don't believe he is lying - he appears to be bluntly honest about his position on this issue. I'll give him credit for that even though he's acting like a spoiled little selfish baby in doing so.
Sam, AJ isn't saying that all men deserve to be cut off from their out-of-wedlock children. What I got from the post is that he needs to make a choice of being a real, involved Daddy, or not one at all. Allowing him to be a Daddy on a "when I feel like it" basis is going to be nothing but confusing and eventually painful for this poor child as he/she grows up. "Who is this casual visitor who just happens to be my Daddy? Is a Daddy someone who shows up once in a blue moon and then leaves again?" No, it's time for this guy to either sh*t or get off the pot.
I absolutely agree with you on the issue of Father's Rights - I know several single men who got custody of their children, and they are fabulous parents. Having the ability to bear children doesn't automatically make a woman the "best" parent of a child. In this case, the sperm donor sounds like terrible parent material, so why force the issue? If he won't man up and take responsibility, why torture the child with a part-time, resentful, bad example of a Daddy?
Lerin - you sound like a far more mature young lady than your older boyfriend. I know you're heartbroken and confused right now, but you are stepping up to the plate and dealing with your situation. You made a grown-up decision to have sex, tried to protect yourself, and now you're making more grownup decisions with the results of your actions. Good for you! I know the situation seems awful right now, but you have some real blessings in your life with your supportive parents. I'm certain your baby will be another blessing as well. You can't force a man to be a good daddy - particularly an unwilling one, so just focus on being the best mommy you can. I suspect you both will come through just fine. :-)
Sam, AJ isn't saying that all men deserve to be cut off from their out-of-wedlock children. What I got from the post is that he needs to make a choice of being a real, involved Daddy, or not one at all. Allowing him to be a Daddy on a "when I feel like it" basis is going to be nothing but confusing and eventually painful for this poor child as he/she grows up. "Who is this casual visitor who just happens to be my Daddy? Is a Daddy someone who shows up once in a blue moon and then leaves again?" No, it's time for this guy to either sh*t or get off the pot.
I absolutely agree with you on the issue of Father's Rights - I know several single men who got custody of their children, and they are fabulous parents. Having the ability to bear children doesn't automatically make a woman the "best" parent of a child. In this case, the sperm donor sounds like terrible parent material, so why force the issue? If he won't man up and take responsibility, why torture the child with a part-time, resentful, bad example of a Daddy?
Lerin - you sound like a far more mature young lady than your older boyfriend. I know you're heartbroken and confused right now, but you are stepping up to the plate and dealing with your situation. You made a grown-up decision to have sex, tried to protect yourself, and now you're making more grownup decisions with the results of your actions. Good for you! I know the situation seems awful right now, but you have some real blessings in your life with your supportive parents. I'm certain your baby will be another blessing as well. You can't force a man to be a good daddy - particularly an unwilling one, so just focus on being the best mommy you can. I suspect you both will come through just fine. :-)
I do not agree that he has no "moral" obligations to you. Funny how people these days think that if you become pregnant out of wedlock that you are not entitled to respect.
AJH84 ... you make a lot of really good points. I grew up in a home with a step-father who HATED me, I lived a miserable life. It took my mom almost losing her life to leave him. My biological father died when I was 2 years old. I have heard he was an awesome man and I would have LOVED to have my father in my life. My mom remarried the father of my younger siblings thinking he was the answer to all of our prayers, but once the vows were said he turned in to a total animal. For my entire childhood and the childhood of my siblings we have many TERRIBLE memories that we can never erase. It is much healthier to be without a father than be with a father who would rather abuse and neglect his family. I am not saying that this is how the OP's BF is at all. My step-dad had alot of resentment towards me and my older brother and later for his own children... he said he was forced into being a father. My life and the lives of my siblings changed for the better once he was OUT of our lives. He never paid a DIME of childsupport. He would rather spend months in jail!
AJH84 ... you make a lot of really good points. I grew up in a home with a step-father who HATED me, I lived a miserable life. It took my mom almost losing her life to leave him. My biological father died when I was 2 years old. I have heard he was an awesome man and I would have LOVED to have my father in my life. My mom remarried the father of my younger siblings thinking he was the answer to all of our prayers, but once the vows were said he turned in to a total animal. For my entire childhood and the childhood of my siblings we have many TERRIBLE memories that we can never erase. It is much healthier to be without a father than be with a father who would rather abuse and neglect his family. I am not saying that this is how the OP's BF is at all. My step-dad had alot of resentment towards me and my older brother and later for his own children... he said he was forced into being a father. My life and the lives of my siblings changed for the better once he was OUT of our lives. He never paid a DIME of childsupport. He would rather spend months in jail!
Yes, I do think it's okay to either cut all contact or pursue paternity legally. What part is horrible and despicable? Not forcing a man to be involved if he doesn't want to be and the mother can take care of things on her own? That's not horrible and despicable. Or forcing a grown man who impregnated a woman, whether by accident or not, to be responsible for a part of himself that is in this world? What's horrible and despicable about that?
If you're old enough to have sex and are aware that no birth control is 100% dependable except abstinance, then you're old enough to face the consequences of your actions and be held responsible for the other people involved with you. One way or the other, there is nothing horrible and/or despicable about that.
Fathers (and mothers in some cases) don't do their children any good by just "being involved." From my standpoint, if the father of the child wants to voluntarily walk away and have nothing to do with the mother and child, as the OP has stated her boyfriend is telling her, then let him. He will either stay away permanently, or perhaps come around in a few years and finally want to be the dad. I only say completely cut contact and make him do the work if he wants to get involved later (with or without getting involved with the mother again) because MOST fathers who "come around" just want to say they're a father and "play daddy," but balk at the responsibilities it really takes to be one. In MOST cases, that builds resentment and more resentment between the mother and father, which carries over to the child. Parents end up badmouthing each other, the child gets behavioral problems because of instability between this home and that, and as the child grows up faces a greater risk of legal troubles and/or relationship problems themselves. Just check out the Child Behavior forum and search situations that involve children in broken homes.
This is a good many cases, undeniably. So yes, the father should be *encouraged* to be involved in the child's life, but not made to feel compelled to be involved. Forcing a situation of such fragility is never a good idea, in my opinion.
But I really hope the OP's boyfriend comes around and steps up the plate with sincerity. All children deserve to have loving, stable, two-parent homes.
If you're old enough to have sex and are aware that no birth control is 100% dependable except abstinance, then you're old enough to face the consequences of your actions and be held responsible for the other people involved with you. One way or the other, there is nothing horrible and/or despicable about that.
Fathers (and mothers in some cases) don't do their children any good by just "being involved." From my standpoint, if the father of the child wants to voluntarily walk away and have nothing to do with the mother and child, as the OP has stated her boyfriend is telling her, then let him. He will either stay away permanently, or perhaps come around in a few years and finally want to be the dad. I only say completely cut contact and make him do the work if he wants to get involved later (with or without getting involved with the mother again) because MOST fathers who "come around" just want to say they're a father and "play daddy," but balk at the responsibilities it really takes to be one. In MOST cases, that builds resentment and more resentment between the mother and father, which carries over to the child. Parents end up badmouthing each other, the child gets behavioral problems because of instability between this home and that, and as the child grows up faces a greater risk of legal troubles and/or relationship problems themselves. Just check out the Child Behavior forum and search situations that involve children in broken homes.
This is a good many cases, undeniably. So yes, the father should be *encouraged* to be involved in the child's life, but not made to feel compelled to be involved. Forcing a situation of such fragility is never a good idea, in my opinion.
But I really hope the OP's boyfriend comes around and steps up the plate with sincerity. All children deserve to have loving, stable, two-parent homes.
"completely cut him off. Don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't pursue paternity, visitation, or child support. 2) When the baby's born, if he's still completely uninvolved but you need financial support from him, take him to court for a paternity test and to make him pay child support (this will also give him visitation rights if he wants them)."
This is horrible and really represents some of the more horrible aspects of our court system and I find it despicable that you even think that's ok! The babies father needs to be encouraged to be involved with the child from day one, even if he doesn't want to be involved with the mother. THe child's life chances tend to be much greater the more both parents are involved in the child's life plus non-custodial parents are more likely to be more supportive financially and fiscally to the mother.
Honestly fathers are a lot disposable to a child's success than you make them sound,
This is horrible and really represents some of the more horrible aspects of our court system and I find it despicable that you even think that's ok! The babies father needs to be encouraged to be involved with the child from day one, even if he doesn't want to be involved with the mother. THe child's life chances tend to be much greater the more both parents are involved in the child's life plus non-custodial parents are more likely to be more supportive financially and fiscally to the mother.
Honestly fathers are a lot disposable to a child's success than you make them sound,
You are lucky to have your family's support, and I think it is wonderful that you are mature and responsible regarding abortion and adoption. However, you have to accept that you were in a physical relationship out of wedlock so your actions mean that your significant other has no real moral obligations to you. He does have legal obligations since this is his child. You will have to work out the details with him. If I were you, I would lean on the family that is helping and be grateful for them. I would try not to depend on your boyfriend ever contributing financially or emotionally. If he ever does, it will be a blessing in both you and your child's lives.
I hope you take care. A lot of people have babies at your age and end up having a good life so hang in there.
I hope you take care. A lot of people have babies at your age and end up having a good life so hang in there.
many people find themselves in this situation now days. you are lucky to have the support of your family and you sound very young even if he marrys you he will have done so bnecause he had to and these feeling maty last with him and what good is a marriage to someone that is forced to many people live together now and do not exchange the vows of marriage and the commitments of love and honor when one lives or goes together one feels single and many men i dont say all will say anything to get there way now guys dont jump on me but you do know some do until no vows are exchanged each can do as they please i do feel for you but it happens every day just wake up forget him go on with your life and make the right choice and be happy i do hope things work out jo
You are way better off without him if he is goin to act like this, just remember you have your family and friends to help you out. He is just being a butt and is chicken dont worry about him. You need to worry about you and that baby that will be here in a few months. Take Care if you need someone to talk to just message me!
How old are you? You mentioned he is 21 and not ready, nobody is actually ready to be parents at some point. I do congratulate you on not believing in adoption/abortion thats a good start, you have your family and friends to support your decision. your not alone your better off without someone who is already telling you they dont want part of you and of your wonderful baby! good luck!
I'm really sorry to hear he's wimping out on you like this. I know how hard it is to be in your shoes. My situation wasn't quite like yours, but it had similarities.
Focus on the good news right now--you won't be doing this alone. You said you family and friends support you. This is a HUGE benefit, especially the family part. You won't be in this alone if you have them to guide you through this emotionally and financially.
That said, I'd suggest you set up a final conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him he's got two choices: He can either man up and support you, stay with you and be a father and face the hardships and the joys alongside you, or he can walk away and stay away.
Now, if he chooses to walk away, be strong and move on with your life. Your baby is going to need you to be strong and not fall apart and fail to move on with your life. You're still young and have a lot of potential to get somewhere in life and be really successful. So don't get into the mindset that you can only be a good parent and get somewhere in life if you have the baby's father there--that's not true. If this is the choice he makes, what you need to do is either 1) completely cut him off. Don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't pursue paternity, visitation, or child support. 2) When the baby's born, if he's still completely uninvolved but you need financial support from him, take him to court for a paternity test and to make him pay child support (this will also give him visitation rights if he wants them).
At this point, you need to make your choice if he walks away. If you completely cut him off, keep it that way--don't let him have any contact with you or the baby unless HE pursues it legally. This will make him realize what it takes to be a father emotionally and financially, rather than you just giving in to him saying, "Will you let me see my baby?" and then letting him play daddy from then on and not have any true responsibilities or obligations otherwise.
If you take him to court because you know you're going to need the child support, then just know that he will be permanently involved in your life, legally and physically through the child. His paternity will be official, and a portion of his finances will go to you. So he will therefore have father's rights if he acts on them.
If he comes to his senses and decides to stay with you and be a father, then just make sure that he's sincere about it. If you realize that he's not putting any effort into parenthood or helping you in ways you'll depend on him for, then don't hesitate to dump him (as harsh as that sounds). What I've learned as a single parent is that there are two people in your life that will come before anyone else when the baby is born: the baby and yourself. You need to be in stable emotional, physical, and financial conditions to properly support and care for your child. You can't let anything get in the way of that, because your baby needs and depends on you. Therefore, you have to be ready to face any situation with the mindset, "How is this going to affect me, or how is it affecting me, in a way that will benefit my child?" If your answer is that it's not benefitting your child, you've got to change it. You're responsible for your own life now more than ever.
Hopefully your boyfriend will realize this too. Babies are so wonderful, and being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. I don't understand how some people just don't care about their kids or walk away from them. They don't know what they're missing, and it's really very sad.
If you end up a single parent, just know you're not alone, and you won't be doing this alone either, as I said above, with your family's help. Also, look into govenment aid. Since you're still a student, you and your child should qualify for Medicaid, WIC, and daycare programs. Check with your local Social Services or Health Department to get more details.
You can do this. Be strong. You'll do just fine. :-)
God bless.
Focus on the good news right now--you won't be doing this alone. You said you family and friends support you. This is a HUGE benefit, especially the family part. You won't be in this alone if you have them to guide you through this emotionally and financially.
That said, I'd suggest you set up a final conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him he's got two choices: He can either man up and support you, stay with you and be a father and face the hardships and the joys alongside you, or he can walk away and stay away.
Now, if he chooses to walk away, be strong and move on with your life. Your baby is going to need you to be strong and not fall apart and fail to move on with your life. You're still young and have a lot of potential to get somewhere in life and be really successful. So don't get into the mindset that you can only be a good parent and get somewhere in life if you have the baby's father there--that's not true. If this is the choice he makes, what you need to do is either 1) completely cut him off. Don't put his name on the birth certificate and don't pursue paternity, visitation, or child support. 2) When the baby's born, if he's still completely uninvolved but you need financial support from him, take him to court for a paternity test and to make him pay child support (this will also give him visitation rights if he wants them).
At this point, you need to make your choice if he walks away. If you completely cut him off, keep it that way--don't let him have any contact with you or the baby unless HE pursues it legally. This will make him realize what it takes to be a father emotionally and financially, rather than you just giving in to him saying, "Will you let me see my baby?" and then letting him play daddy from then on and not have any true responsibilities or obligations otherwise.
If you take him to court because you know you're going to need the child support, then just know that he will be permanently involved in your life, legally and physically through the child. His paternity will be official, and a portion of his finances will go to you. So he will therefore have father's rights if he acts on them.
If he comes to his senses and decides to stay with you and be a father, then just make sure that he's sincere about it. If you realize that he's not putting any effort into parenthood or helping you in ways you'll depend on him for, then don't hesitate to dump him (as harsh as that sounds). What I've learned as a single parent is that there are two people in your life that will come before anyone else when the baby is born: the baby and yourself. You need to be in stable emotional, physical, and financial conditions to properly support and care for your child. You can't let anything get in the way of that, because your baby needs and depends on you. Therefore, you have to be ready to face any situation with the mindset, "How is this going to affect me, or how is it affecting me, in a way that will benefit my child?" If your answer is that it's not benefitting your child, you've got to change it. You're responsible for your own life now more than ever.
Hopefully your boyfriend will realize this too. Babies are so wonderful, and being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. I don't understand how some people just don't care about their kids or walk away from them. They don't know what they're missing, and it's really very sad.
If you end up a single parent, just know you're not alone, and you won't be doing this alone either, as I said above, with your family's help. Also, look into govenment aid. Since you're still a student, you and your child should qualify for Medicaid, WIC, and daycare programs. Check with your local Social Services or Health Department to get more details.
You can do this. Be strong. You'll do just fine. :-)
God bless.
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