Not my DH's "type"?

[KrissyH]

I am trying my best to trust my DH ever since the incidents where he a girl twice last year and then kept in contact with her until I found out (long story that I posted about before..  she is the 23 year old daughter of a woman he previously dated a while ago). As I am struggling through trusting him again (he said he has ended the relationship), he has admitted he still has feelings for a an ex-fiancee from quite some time ago. She was a beautiful, highly intelligent girl who was (as he said) "his type" of look. He has since admitted that I am not quite his type although he says he loves me. I asked him how I could become his type and he said for me to grow my hair longer, dye it darker and not have bangs (general things that the two girls have in common and the type of girls he comments are are beautiful when we are out or he sees them on the TV).

Has anyone else had their DH tell them that they are not exactly his type? I would love to finally hear that I am his type and I do worry that since I am not he will find someone else who is that whole package. He still claims that he loves me and that not for me to worry about it. He also has a lot of girls from the past (some that he has dated) recently come back into his life on his profile on facebook and writing him and he did suggest that a couple of them were his type "back in the day."

Please let me know how I handle this situation while I am in the midst of trying to rebuild trust and try and heal our relationship.

[mami1323]

It seems as if his love is conditional on your appearance.  If you gain weight he turns to other women.  As long as you keep yourself the way he likes you, he's content.  How much stress and pressure is that on you to continually stay a certain way.  People gain weight, lose weight and change all the time.  It's life.  Women get pregnant and they change, unless of course you are Heidi Klum and have a personal trainer and chef come straight to your at home gym.  My point is that, in time you will get wrinkles, you will get grey hairs, we grow older and what will he do then, leave you for a younger woman?  Does he not love you for anything but your looks?  What made him want to marry you?  Krissy, this sounds like a really bad situation and I'm so sorry that now there is a baby involved.  He needs to really grow up and quick.  That baby is going to put so much more stress on this relationship and it seems like it's not the most stable to begin with.  

[DLG5]

What a total Jerk!   He's very immature I think.   He can't get a grip on the reality of things, and was probably never ready to get married in the first place.

Get counseling before it's too late.   He needs to be forced to "see himself" before he really screws up bigtime.

Donald

[KrissyH]

Yes, I have communicated my feelings to him and he always answers with a pat answer of "of course I think you are beautiful." Here is the thing, I don't think I should have to ask how I look in order to get an answer because then the answer is a forced one. It would be great if I could just get the answer without asking. I don't think I am ugly or anything, but I do admit that pregnancy does change my body in such a way that I am not skinny or as beautiful as I was to begin with and that is just reality. And, I do want to look good for myself too and I do try very hard to do so, despite my demanding job and hours.

The other underlying thing is that he met this other girl twice when I was my heaviest due to a medical condition (that got resolved and I quickly lost 40 pounds within less than two months!). I tried so hard during that time period to work out daily and to eat right but nothing I was doing at that time helped. He tried to be supportive but he has admitted that he found me less attractive during that time and I know he was frustrated by my efforts (which it turned out I could not do anything about it more than I was doing until the medical condition got resolved).

Sometimes I really feel like he is stuck in his past, in those teenage and young twenty years where women he was hanging out with did not have responsibilities, were fun, exciting and had those young bodies. It is unrealistic to think that at my age that I would have the same body and I have a lot of other responsibilities in my life that demand my time and attention and therefore he sees me as less fun (even though I do try and plan fun dates, etc.). That was one of the other reasons he admitted to being attracted to that other girl--she was playful, flirty and fun....

[KrissyH]

Yes, I have communicated my feelings to him and he always answers with a pat answer of "of course I think you are beautiful." Here is the thing, I don't think I should have to ask how I look in order to get an answer because then the answer is a forced one. It would be great if I could just get the answer without asking. I don't think I am ugly or anything, but I do admit that pregnancy does change my body in such a way that I am not skinny or as beautiful as I was to begin with and that is just reality. And, I do want to look good for myself too and I do try very hard to do so, despite my demanding job and hours.

The other underlying thing is that he met this other girl twice when I was my heaviest due to a medical condition (that got resolved and I quickly lost 40 pounds within less than two months!). I tried so hard during that time period to work out daily and to eat right but nothing I was doing at that time helped. He tried to be supportive but he has admitted that he found me less attractive during that time and I know he was frustrated by my efforts (which it turned out I could not do anything about it more than I was doing until the medical condition got resolved).

Sometimes I really feel like he is stuck in his past, in those teenage and young twenty years where women he was hanging out with did not have responsibilities, were fun, exciting and had those young bodies. It is unrealistic to think that at my age that I would have the same body and I have a lot of other responsibilities in my life that demand my time and attention and therefore he sees me as less fun (even though I do try and plan fun dates, etc.). That was one of the other reasons he admitted to being attracted to that other girl--she was playful, flirty and fun....

[mami1323]

This is where you go wrong...which most women do.  Stop putting yourself down.  Pregnancy makes every woman insecure.  I was 60 lbs extra with my ds and still have 25 more lbs to lose.  My son is almost 4 months old.  I was extremely unhappy with my pregnancy weight and still am unhappy about the way I look now.  I have a saggy, loose belly.  My fiance is a body builder and personal trainer so you know I feel so unattractive next to him.  However, I do my best to still dress nice, to do my hair and makeup and to try to keep myself looking good.  This is not for him but for myself.  Granted that last month of pregnancy I didn't even have much energy to shower let alone do my hair and makeup.  But you need to think about looking good for yourself, not for him.  After the baby you are going to be even more tired and the last thing on your mind will be hitting the gym.  You have to start being comfortable in your own skin because your insecurities seem to be stemming from you.  However, if he is making comments and putting pressure on you to stay a certain weight or to look a certain way, then it is him who is making your self-worth hit rock bottom.  Even with the weight gain during pregnancy and with my saggy belly, my fiance still says I'm beautiful.  There is nothing wrong with wanting your husband to think that of you either.  Have you tried communicating your feelings to him?

[KrissyH]

babyhardiman and jaybay:

Thanks for your comments. I do agree that checking others out but not actually "placing an order" is ok. And the weird thing is I was ok with this for a long time and it never bothered me. We are both older in age and I realize that it is only natural that you will find others attractive. It has only been after he saw that other girl a couple of times and was attracted to her that I have felt insecure. And, the fact that I know that I am not his type of look. Maybe I am his type of person overall but he does say a lot that I should be happier because it affects his mood. I am a professional who works full time and now that I am pregnant I am exhausted. I guess I just think I don't have time to do anything drastic to get his attention and I shouldn't need to do that either. And, yes, the focus should be on the baby due in May. I have really tried to pour my energy into that lately and get my mind off of what he is up to or who he loves (i.e. the ex fiancee) etc.
To answer your questions about the baby--he appears to be happy about it and has told his friends he is excited. I do think he is anxious about it too but nothing out of the ordinary. He went out and bought the baby an outfit for Christmas and he has helped set up the nursery so it is not that he is not taking part in it.
I am concerned, though, that my weight gain (which is normal at the moment for where I am at) and the fact that I won't lose weight immediately after the pregnancy is going to bother him. He works out a lot and when I met him he was working out constantly--we have a home gym system but he also lately mentioned he is going to be joining a gym and he just joined with a group of guys to play sports because he wants to stay fit. I don't want to compare myself to the two other girls, but the young one he met is in perfect shape (I saw her facebook profile) but then again, she is very young. The ex fiancee has had a child so he has not seen her after that but it appears she too is back in shape (again, another facebook profile). I have always known that this is important to him but while dating and first married, he said that he loved me no matter what and would only be put out if I gained 50 pounds or more because it would show I was not taking care of my body in a healthy way. Anyway, that is my fear as far as this pregnancy--that I won't regain my shape.
I realize that my focus is constantly on physical things and I don't know how to get beyond that. I think I have a good personality, I work hard and I am a good wife. These are things that I am sure he would agree to too. But, physically, while I think I am average, I feel like I can not be whatever it is that he would love me to be. And, every woman wants her husband to think that they are the most beautiful woman in the world to them (even if they know that there are more beautiful creatures out there). Or, at least I think every woman wants to feel that way???

[Jaybay]

Babyhardiman, I got a chuckle out of your comment about your fiance commenting on other women.  I like the way you put it: enjoying the beauty of those around you.  I've pointed out beautiful people to my husband on numerous occasions, and vice versa.  It's not a sex thing; it's just what you said - an appreciation of beauty.  Hubby can read the menu all he likes as long as he doesn't place an order.  :-)

I also agree with you that it's time for both parties to grow up and focus on being parents.  Yeah, hubby is a big fat baby trying to live out a fantasy.  Krissy is turning herself inside out trying to please him and adjust to his constantly changing rules.  Those problems can be dealt with over time.  The most important person right now is the baby.

[BabyHardiman]

Is he anxious about the baby?  Is he happy, and excited?  I am due in May as well, and there are SOOOOO many other things to focus on right now.  You do realize that May is right around the corner, right?  Tell him to get off his lil Facebook sight and start preparing for his baby that you are carrying.  I agree with redneckmom, those sites are for singles, and teenagers!  This relationship sounds soo unhealthy.

With all that being said, I just wanted to add that life is not perfect for anyone.  My Fiancee' has an ex-girlfriend that continues to resurface even though she has been told to get lost over and over.  Some people just can't comprehend the meaning of a loving, committed, family oriented relationship.  It is my opinion that you two need to focus on creating a happy environment for your child... screw all the baggage that comes along with being jealous, or being insecure, or worrying yourself to DEATH about what he's doing, where he's at, who he is attracted to.  You need to get your head right before the baby gets here.  Both of you do!  

I am not going to tell you to leave him, but you need to work on revamping this relationship... don't change yourself UNLESS you feel the change will suit you as well.  There have been times that my Fiancee' has commented on other women, how they dress, or their hairstyle and it has not bothered me... most of the time I am thinking that same thing as he is.  It's a wondeful thing to be able to enjoy the beauty of those around you, IF you do not end up feeling insecure about yourself.  You commented on how beautiful one of his ex's are.. and that is perfectly fine and it shows that you are OK with allowing others to be beautiful and that you are not "me-centric".  Only change if you feel you WANT to change.  But hey, don't forget about those pregnancy hormones and how they can effect your hair color.. if you do decide to dye your hair.  =)

[snippets69]

He's telling you to "get over it"...that it's just a "fantasy thing"... Yet it keeps coming up...

It is geared towards making you feel self conscious, and less than, and making him the powerful one in the relationship.  It's possible this is all through his own insecurities and partially to keep you from leaving him.

Move on Krissy.  You sound sweet, educated, and intelligent. There are 1 billion other men on the planet looking for you.

  

[mami1323]

KrissyH - Here is the post and my comments.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/288589

[mami1323]

He's an a-hole and you should run to the hills.  What he's saying to you is so cruel.  Basically, telling you, to change the way you look so that you can look more like his ex-girlfriends.  How do you tolerate that?  Of course you feel insecure, he makes you feel that way.  He doesn't deserve your love.  You should be with a man who builds you up not tears you down.  I just had a baby and my fiance tells me I'm beautiful.  He tells me this and right now I am 30 lbs. heavier than I used to be, and have a sagging, loose belly.  If your husband truly loved you, he wouldn't say things like that.

I think I remember you, you had written saying that your husband was still in love with his ex and couldn't get over her.  I think my advice then was get away from him.  You will do whatever you choose to do, but I really don't think this relationship is going to go anywhere.  

[KrissyH]

Thanks everyone!!

Agiesmom- what you had to say made me laugh.

Here's the thing, he IS my type. While I am sure that there are things that I would love to improve, he really is the type of guy I am attracted to.

When we first were dating and married, he treated me like a princess--I never felt unloved or unwanted and he never commented about my hair or anything. The whole "my type" subject came up when I noticed he was commenting more or looking more at women who were the opposite to my features--the long dark hair, dark eyes and perfect bodies.  

We talked again and he said it is all just a fantasy thing and for me to get over it because he wouldn't have married me if I were not his type.

On an ordinary day, he is a sweet guy but the princess treatment and me feeling secure and loved is gone. I don't know if that is because my perspective has changed (since I found out he met that other girl twice--although he swears it really was only for coffee and then he realized he had feelings and cut it off with her).

He also clings to everyone in his life that has been in his past. While I have met some of the girls and they seem grounded and into their own lives, there are others I feel threatened by. I never felt this way before I found out he met that other girl. I totally trusted him and where I stood in the relationship. I actually thought it was funny when we went out to a restaurant and the waitress flirted with him. Now, I feel uncomfortable and I am jealous when I see the amount of women on his profile on facebook.

He thinks that what I am feeling is my own insecurities and that he told me he is trying to do everything to assure me he loves me, including deleting that other girl form his profile and telling her he can't talk to her anymore. He assured me he would tell me about any email he writes or if anyone writes him but I am worried that he will just delete it or carry on things without me knowing all to protect me from the info (or to protect himself from having to end a relationship).

He is going to see a new counselor  and I think the issues he has been addressing has mainly been his inability to move on from past relationships. At some point too, the counselor wants to help us both as a couple, so I guess I am hanging in to see the results of this. I don't want to hastily end a marriage, especially when we both are parents to this baby and I want to make this work if it is possible.

It still stings and will always sting that I am not his type. That is something that he can't take back or make me see it differently. He is attracted to that look and I am not that look. Coincidently, his ex-fiancee was closest to that look I have ever seen. And, he regrets breaking up with her although he says I am a better wife than she would be anyway. I guess that is the only encouragement I get--that I am a good wife and he said the other night he thinks we are meant to be together.

I am often confused though as to whether this is my hormones, whether it is normal to want to be seen as someone's type or if that is just a fantasy and unrealistic thing and whether or not, deep down, he truly loves me....I honestly do love him so I want it to work but I don't want to feel so insecure all the time because I know I need more than that....

[snippets69]

Sounds like this guy is trying to keep you down.  Keep you feeling insecure.

People usually don't change.  If you can find it within yourself... Move on

[Agiesmom]

Pardon my typos:  I meant well-endowed and lengthen.

[Agiesmom]

Tell him he's not exactly your type either--that you usually like taller, well-endowned men, but you're not out looking for one because you love him despite his shortcomings.

Also tell him that unless he wants to have some sort of surgeries to lenthen him in various places, he should focus on your wonderful qualities and remain faithful without expecting you to become his "type" either.

[redneckmom]

Wowee.  Your husband sounds like a 14 year old boy.  Why does this grown MARRIED man have a facebook profile?  I apologize to people who disagree but I thought those were for singles and young people.  Not for married men to get in contact with chicks.  You and your husband need counseling desperately.  Can you all move?  A change of scenery and a change of pace sound like maybe they would help here.  There seems to be a lot of bad blood wherever you are at.  Your hubby has a lot of growing up to do, but so do you.  The two of you could really enjoy doing it together with your baby(whom does need a man baybeethick you wierdo) and the aid of a counselor you both like.  It is important you BOTH like this person.  You can try several, and you need to go several times.  

On the comment that a baby doesn't need a man; what kind of drugs are people doing who really think that?????  Babies need parents and grandparents and towns and friends and men and women to grow into functional, smart, happy adults.  Thats all I have to say about that.  SHEEESH

[baybeethick]

You don't need a man to have a baby (even physically nowadays!). If you are unhappy your baby will be unhappy. A baby is not a reason to stay in a relationship. You shouldn't have to do something to win him over BECAUSE he is your husband. Like you say...its been so hard for you..can you really say the same about him?

[KrissyH]

I feel the same way as you all do...that I should be his type because he married me and I should not have to change a thing to get him to love me more or be more attracted to me. He says that his type is a fantasy type anyway..but because of what we went through (which he still says was minor and he thinks I should be over it by now) I am insecure enough where I do want to do something to win him over. Then again, I don't think I should have to. To complicate matters, those of you who have read my other post already know that we are expecting in May. I never would have gotten pregnant knowing all I know. This whole thing has been so hard on me.

[baybeethick]

Sorry to be blunt, but your husband sounds like a jerk. Im sure you wake up somedays and wonder what in the world can he really do for you? If a man tells you to your face that you can change anything about yourself then he really might not love you for you. Lets be real...its cheaper to keep her. We as women have to stop being so mushy and beating ourselves up over these men when half the time they don't think twice about you once they are done feeding you the BS>>>>>>> tell him he's not your type...you don't like selfish losers that make you feel sad all the time (because let's not front youre probably thinking about this most of the day.....), that you are better than any woman out there and if he doesn't recognize that then he's the one that needs some "adjustments"!  But in the end you are what matters. Stop worrying about what he wants and focus on what you want...it just might not be him!

[girliegrl1723]

yes. i agree with you. but its clear from her post that what he is trying to do is a little more than, "i think you would look hot with long hair". not to mention the fact he has strayed in the past.

[RockRose]

He does sound kind of cruel and callous,  to say you're not his "type".

On the other hand,  I think a husband has every right to say I'd really love it if you'd grow your hair and bangs out for me - I'd adore that hairstyle on you.  I think that would be fair,  and what most husbands do.  Tactfully,  and not like they're all after making you over.

[mayflowers]

Ditto on what girlgirl said.  This guy sounds a little bit mean in my opinion.  

[girliegrl1723]

if you try to conform to what he is saying is his "type" by changing your hair or anything else about you, you are crazy. as your husband, he is suppose to love you for you, not try to make you something your not.

[KrissyH]

The first lineshould read "where he met a girl" oops...